Tongue Fu!

by Sam Horn

  CHAPTER 9: DON’T FIND FAULT; FIND A SOLUTION

  “I believe that if you show people the problems and you show them the solutions they will be moved to act.” Bill Gates, CEO Microsoft

  Have you ever been part of a meeting that deteriorated into name-calling and faultfinding? Not pleasant, is it?

  A woman said she had been in the middle of a blaming free-for-all the day before. “We were in a staff meeting and our boss asked for our budget reports. Our accountant grimaced and reluctantly confessed he didn’t have them. Our CEO demanded to know why.

  “The accountant claimed it wasn’t his fault; the marketing division hadn’t submitted their final figures. The marketing director objected that he wasn’t the one who had held things up; he’d been waiting for the forecasts and they’d been sitting in data processing for a week. The DP rep said she had just received the paperwork a couple of days before, and hadn’t been able to sign off on the numbers because her supervisor was out of town . . . and back and forth they went.”

  Halt Hostilities With This Hand Gesture (No, Not That One!)

  “”Our task is not to fix blame for the past; it’s to fix the course for the future.” – John F. Kennedy

  From this day forward, understand that arguments have no constructive value. If you find yourself in a war of words, hold your hand out (with fingers pointing skyward, palm facing forward) and interrupt the argument with the sentence, “Let’s not do this.”

  Why use a hand gesture? It is the most effective way to get attention.

  Think about it. If people are arguing and you try to talk over them, what happens? Everyone talks louder. The voice of reason gets drowned out in the commotion.

  Holding your hand up, as a police officer would to stop traffic, is a universally understood signal to cease and desist. Athletes can probably think of an alternate hand gesture used in the sports world to stop unruly behavior. The T sign coaches and referees use to call for a time-out is another way to stop the action.

  Move the group onto higher ground by focusing on solutions, not fault. Say, “We could spend the rest of the afternoon arguing about why this wasn’t completed, but that won’t help us get the budget reports done on time. Instead, let’s focus on how we’re going to finish these today.”

  A city councilman said, “Normally I agree with this, but aren’t there times you have to assess blame? Our county recently went through an embarrassing financial scandal. If we don’t indicate who is responsible for embezzling the funds, we’ll all take the fall.”

  This public official had brought up an important point. In some litigious professions, you need to be cautious about indirectly accepting blame so you don’t open yourself to lawsuits (Tongue Sue!).

  If you’re in this situation, be sure to indicate that you are being forced to point the finger and that it is not your normal style. You can say, “I wish I didn’t have to do this because I don’t like to operate this way. Yet these unfortunate circumstances demand that we name the individual responsible for these illegal deeds so he will be held accountable for his actions. Then, let’s move on and focus on how we can keep this from happening again so we can reestablish a reputation of integrity.”

  Don’t Punish The Past; Profit From It

  “Some people cling to pains, real and imagined, to excuse what they have become.” – Lillian Hellman

  Some people cling to problems, to excuse what they haven’t done.

  From this day forward, as soon as people start bringing up the past, put your hand up and say, “This won’t help.” Halt the hostilities before they produce casualties. Point out that finger pointing serves no good purpose. A more productive use of time is to focus on how to accomplish the original objective or keep that problem from happening again. Move the group from a “Who did it?” frame of mind to an action-oriented “What can we do about it?” attitude.

  A former program attendee reported she’d put this idea into practice with great results. When she and her family walked into their home after returning from spring vacation, the place smelled to high heaven. They finally discovered the source of the smell in the kitchen. Someone had left the refrigerator door wide open and all the food had spoiled.

  Her husband demanded, “Who was the last person in the refrigerator?” The blaming began. “You were the one who fixed a sandwich for the road.” “That was before we even left. You were the one who came back in for a soda.” “It wasn’t me. I wasn’t the last one out of the house.” Everyone was accusing someone else of being the guilty party.

  “Finally,” the woman said, “I remembered your technique for putting the past in the past. I raised my hand and said, ‘Time out!’ Then I calmly stated, ‘This doesn’t help. We could argue until the cows come home about who left the door open, and it won’t get this kitchen cleaned up. Instead, let’s all pitch in and take care of this mess. When we’re finished, we’ll figure out a system so when we leave for a trip, someone’s in charge of going around to make sure everything is closed up and shut off.’ ”

  Use The Word “We” To Turn Adversaries Into Allies

  “The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which they were created.” – Albert Einstein

  A participant added this suggestion: “It sounds as if we should change our thinking about this and understand that if people are getting into it, it’s in everyone’s best interests to intervene.”

  That’s true. When a discussion has deteriorated into blaming and shaming, participants are headed for hurt. You may be an innocent bystander; however, everyone benefits if you speak up and focus the group on finding solutions instead of fault.

  The key to doing this diplomatically—so that you don’t offend anyone—is to use the words us or we. Using the word you (“You guys cut this out” or “Why don’t you stop passing the buck?”) might embarrass the participants in front of their peers and give the impression you are arrogantly holding yourself above them.

  By using such collective words as Let’s or We’ll, as in “Let’s focus on how we can apologize to this VIP client and regain their account,” or “We’ll have a better chance of solving this if we work together to get this done on time,” you are acting in the obvious best interests of the group. They will appreciate you for intervening on their behalf and helping them treat each other as allies, not adversaries.

  Move From Reasons To Results

  “At the moment of truth, there are either reasons or results.” Chuck Yeager, Aviation Pioneer

  Glenda, my sons’ wise preschool teacher, taught me that my well-intentioned efforts to resolve their squabbles were instead rewarding them. The more often I mediated their disagreements, the more quarrels they had. Why? Their altercations received a lot of attention from Mom. My sons had done a very good job of teaching me how to behave!

  Glenda helped me realize that my attempts to find out who started a fight were backfiring by setting up a victim-and-tattletale syndrome. Digging for details encouraged rather than eliminated their bickering.

  Glenda had a better way. If kids started fighting, she held her hand up and asked the kids involved to “Make silence.” “Make silence” is a much more effective command than “Stop fighting” because it clearly indicates and imprints the desired (vs. dreaded) behavior. Glenda then separated the children who were getting into it, told them their behavior was not appropriate, and asked them to play by themselves until they were ready to treat each other with respect.

  Many parents in my Tongue Fu!® for Parents workshops say, “I have to say things three or four times before my kids listen to me.”

  Hmm. Parents can reverse the sad state of affairs by not repeating themselves. Say, “Give me your eyes,” which is more compelling and specific than “Are you listening to me?” Pause until everyone is quiet and looking at you, and then state in a firm voice, “I will say this once. Share the toys or they will be put away.”

  Continue with, “Now, what’s our agreement
?” Don’t continue until your kids say, “Share the toys or they’ll be put away.” Then, compliment them and say, “Great. Now, give each other some space and play like friends.”

  If a child pipes up with, “But that’s not fair” raise your eyebrows, not your voice. Do not repeat yourself. If you do, you are teaching your kids to ignore you until you get really mad. Simply put your hand up and arch your eyebrows as if to say, “You really don’t want to do this, do you?” That is usually enough to let children know you’re not kidding and they better take you seriously. Your refusal to dwell on why a fight started shows you value actions, not excuses.

  When working with kids (and to be honest, adults as well) the most important part of your intervention is consistency. If you say the consequence is no toys, stick to it. If the consequence to be in late to work is being written up, follow up. Never declare a consequence that you are not willing to carry out. Being seen as inconsistent or malleable only serves to teach others that you don’t mean what you say, or say what you mean. Say it once, mean it, and back it up with the exact action when necessary; no more and no less.

  Turn Sibling Rivalry Into Sibling Revelry

  “We have not begun to use kind words in such abundance as they ought to be used.” – Blaise Pascal

  One happy mother wrote to say she had used this technique to turn her daughters’ sibling rivalry into sibling revelry. She said, “My girls used to snipe at each other constantly. I tried to referee their cat-fights, but instead of making things better, they would get mad at me for taking the other one’s side.

  “The day after your workshop I called a family conference and announced I would no longer tolerate their senseless squabbles. I used your quote about finding solutions instead of fault, and explained that any time they started in on each other, I was going to intervene and hold them accountable for being kinder to each other. At that point, they would have a choice: they could go to their rooms, or they could ask for what they wanted instead of fighting.

  “Of course they tested me. The next day, my youngest daughter, Launa, threw a fit because Amy had worn her skirt without asking. Amy accused Launa of taking her favorite sweater to school, and they were off to the verbal races.

  “I put my hand up and said, ‘Girls.’ Do you know I didn’t even have to say anything else? Without further prompting, they abandoned their bickering and set up rules about when it was okay to borrow clothes. Holding my hand up was all it took to remind them of our commitment to focus on results, not reasons.”

  Are you thinking, “I don’t have children, so this doesn’t apply to me?” A variation of this technique works with people of all ages. Understand that if you try to mediate between two friends who are on the outs, you may end up between the proverbial rock and hard place. Rather than getting drawn into who did what to whom, do everyone a favor and help them shelve the squabble. Put your hand up and say, “Hey, it’s over. Let’s not spoil our time together by rehashing old news.” If you can, get everyone up and out of that room so they can literally and figuratively move on and put it behind them.

  Action Plan - Don’t Find Fault; Find Solutions

  You are at the store buying groceries. After ringing up your cartload of purchases, the cashier says your credit card has been refused. You didn’t bring any cash so you have to abandon the cart and leave in front of everyone standing in line and watching. You are angry at your spouse for not paying the credit card bill as promised and for putting you in this embarrassing position. What do you do?

  Words To Lose

  You focus on the past and what went wrong, which serves no good purpose.

  “Why didn’t you pay the bills like you said you were going to?"

  You dwell on excuses: why didn’t he pay the bills?

  “What do you mean, you didn’t have time? You should have mailed that last week.”

  You bicker back and forth about who is to blame.

  “It’s your fault I was humiliated in front of everyone at the store. How can you say I should have checked with you first? How was I supposed to know?"

  You argue about the reasons for the misbehavior.

  “It doesn’t matter if you’ve been busy at work. That’s no excuse.”

  Words To Use

  You focus on the future and how to make it right—which has constructive value.

  “Can you pay our Visa account today so I can use our card?"

  You turn your attention to what can be done from now on.

  “In the future, if we ’re going to be late paying bills, could you tell me so I don’t use our credit card?”

  You halt hostilities by putting a hand up and saying, “Let’s not do this.”

  “Blaming each other won’t help. Instead, let’s focus on how we can make sure nothing like this happens again.”

  You discuss the results and desired behavior you both want.

  “We’re on the same side. We both want to keep our account up-to-date.”

  CHAPTER 10: ARE YOU JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS?

  “People who jump to conclusions often make bad landings.” – saying on church marquee

  Are there certain disagreeable people in your life, and the mere mention of their name is enough to make you want to turn tail and head the other direction? (Run Fu?)

  The following example shows what happens when we have reached a conclusion about someone. Sir Laurence Olivier, renowned for his eloquence, received an honorary award at the Oscars years ago. During his acceptance speech, the TV cameras fanned the audience and showed many teary-eyed people, obviously moved by Olivier’s words.

  After the ceremony, fellow Academy Award winner Jon Voight complimented Olivier on his speech. Olivier demurred with, “That speech didn’t make any sense. I forgot what I was going to say. Voight disagreed, saying again that it was brilliant. Only when they replayed his remarks on the video monitor did Voight finally see for himself that Olivier had been all over the verbal map.

  What happened? Voight and the audience hadn’t really been listening. If they had, they would have been scratching their heads, wondering what the heck he was talking about.

  Transcend Stereotypes To Give People A Fair Chance

  "We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain. It’s one thing to feel you are on the right path, it’s another to think that yours is the only path.” Paulo Coelho, Brazilian Novelist

  This may be one of the most challenging aspects of communication—to overcome our natural urge to judge people based on their appearance, outward behavior, our experience of them, and any preconceptions or stereotypes we have about this “type” of person. As the story about Olivier illustrates, when we come to a conclusion about someone, we stop paying attention to what that person is actually saying.

  Benjamin Franklin wisely concluded, “He that would live in peace and at ease must not speak all he knows, nor judge all he sees.”

  One supervisor admitted he had fallen into the judgment trap. He said, “I’m guilty. I’ve labeled my employees the Troublemaker, the Problem Child, the Whiner, the Witch. If the Troublemaker walks into my office, I’m already prepared for a fight. If there’s a phone message from the Problem Child, I’m already steeling myself for a catastrophe. I can see that it is not fair to write them off this way, however I didn’t make up those nicknames out of the blue, they’ve earned them over time. How can I transcend stereotypes when they repeat the same behavior again and again?”

  Give ’Em A Chance

  “Without an open mind, you can never be a success.” Martha Stewart

  Edna Ferber contributed a variation on this theme when she said, “A closed mind is a dying mind.” I’m not saying it’s easy, however the goal is to approach each situation with an open mind. How can we do that? By reminding ourselves, “I don’t know what they’re going to say until after they’ve finished talking.”

  This is really the only way we can be sure we’re evaluating what they’re actually sayi
ng instead of half-hearing them through because we’ve already made up our mind.

  Want another way to prevent pre-judging? Repeat these four words to yourself whenever you’re on the verge of jumping to a conclusion, “Give them a chance.”

  If you find yourself shutting someone off because you don’t like him or her, this four-word phrase can help you form accurate assessments of the value of what they’re saying.

  Instead of mentally dismissing troublemakers, give them a chance. They may surprise you and behave in an unexpected way. If you hadn’t given them a fresh start, you wouldn’t have registered this different behavior. If “The Whiner” does indeed whine, then at least you can respond to his comments based on their merit instead of rejecting them outright.

  A woman in one of my workshops spoke up: “I know this makes sense, but I’ve been married to the same man for twenty-five years. How many chances are we supposed to give ’em?” Everyone laughed, and she went on to say, “When my husband comes home from work, I usually ask about his day. Ten seconds later, I’m thinking, 'Here we go again . . .’ or ‘I’ve heard this before.’ ”

  She had a good point. It may be idealistic to suggest we give people a chance … forever. The truth is, this woman probably has heard her husband’s complaints before. She has to ask herself if, on this specific occasion, she can muster enough interest and energy to listen with renewed interest.

  Over the course of a marriage, face it, some days you can, some days you can’t. Some days you might be too burned out yourself to listen to the latest in a long line of work-related insults. If that’s the case, say something instead of simmering in resentment. Say, “Hon, I know you had a bad day. And I had a bad day myself. Let’s put it behind us so we can enjoy our evening.”