Tongue Fu!

by Sam Horn

  I have retold this man’s story many times, and it never fails to get a reaction. Many people have been there. One woman told me afterward: “That was our family. The same thing happened to us. Our father rented a motor home to drive through New England so we could see the fall foliage. Unfortunately for my dad, the van had a TV and Luke and Laura’s wedding on General Hospital was infinitely more interesting to us than a bunch of trees. I’ll always remember my dad roaring at us from the front seat, ‘I did not pay two thousand bucks so you could watch soap operas. Now turn that thing off and get up here and look at the leaves.”

  Have you, like the parents in these stories, ever put a lot of time and effort into organizing something, and instead of gratitude, all you got was complaints? People will often be ungrateful if you take and keep control of the situation. If you share control instead of insisting on being in control, people will feel it’s their vacation.

  Being in charge of a situation doesn’t mean it is your job to make all decisions yourself. When resolving controversial issues, research the situation, outline fair guidelines, pose reasonable options, and let those affected pick from the available options. Some may not like the final outcome, but they’ll be more willing to accept it because they were part of the process that helped produce it. They’ll have found out for themselves that in that set of circumstances it was the best decision possible.

  Avoid Top-Down Relationships

  “Some of us seek to remain on top in an encounter. If we succeed in outwitting the other person and our viewpoint prevails, then we feel strong rather than weak and we receive a psychological boost.” - James Redfield, The Celestine Prophecy

  Please re-read James Redfield’s quote. If you are in a relationship with someone who needs to “top” you to feel better about him/herself, head the other direction. A need to feel superior – and to make you feel inferior – is unhealthy and toxic. And if you feel a destructive desire to outwit another person, please understand that any psychological boost you may get from winning at their expense is purely temporary.

  A premise of Tongue Fu! is that it is in everyone’s best interest to view fellow human beings as cohorts, not competitors. Instead of adopting a toxic top-down approach, seek collaborative solutions. Instead of striving to outsmart other people, dedicate yourself to generating mutually rewarding resolutions.

  How To Summon The Courage To Be More Assertive

  A woman in one of my sessions said, “Sam, I agree with everything you’re saying, but a therapist once told me I’m one of those 'don’t rock the boat’ people who are ‘conflict-averse.’ Many of the techniques you’re suggesting demand a certain kind of confidence I just don’t have. How can we hold people accountable for their behavior if we’re not comfortable speaking up?”

  Wonderful question. In the next section, we talk about how you can get more comfortable standing up and speaking up for what you want need and deserve.

  Action Plan – Don’t Fight For Control; Share Control

  You and a friend head up to the mountains for a weekend of skiing. He’s much better than you are and soon is ready for the more difficult slopes. You feel you need a lot more practice before you tackle the advanced runs but your friend pressures you to accompany him. How do you resolve this?

  Words To Lose

  You don’t appreciate him taking charge of the situation.

  “Mark, you're not going to pressure me into going down something I’m not ready for.”

  Mark insists that he’ll watch out for you and says to stop being such a chicken.

  “How can you say I don’t have anything to worry about? Have you seen the size of those moguls up there?"

  Your friend continues to see it as an either-or situation.

  “Stop trying to force me to do something I’m not comfortable with. I didn’t come all this way to spend the day fighting.”

  Words To Use

  You know you can work things out so you both win.

  “Let’s see if we can figure out how to work this so both of us can enjoy the skiing.”

  You seek a resolution that will allow both of you a measure of control.

  “It’s fair you don’t want to ski the bunny hill, and it’s fair that I don’t want to risk breaking a leg.”

  You pose a couple of options that let both of you get what you want.

  “How about you explore the Black Diamond slopes and I’ll practice on the easier runs? We can swap notes at lunch.

  PART IV

  Confidently Speak Up For What You Want, Need, And Deserve

  Part of Tongue Fu! is learning how to be more confident so you have the courage needed to address vs. ignore inappropriate behavior.

  You’ll also learn how to be more effective and assertive in asking people to treat you with the respect you want, need and deserve.

  And finally, you’ll learn how to be more persuasive so you get your needs met.

  CHAPTER 20: CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES

  “Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.” - Jonathan Kozol, American Writer

  How can you determine when something is sufficiently significant to address instead of ignore?

  To confront or not to confront, that is the question.

  Just because you don’t like how someone is treating you doesn’t mean it’s smart to speak up in that moment. What is smart is to consider all the possible consequences before you open your mouth, pick up the phone or send that email.

  Therese, director of patient care for a large medical facility, finally succeeded in getting pregnant after many years of trying. She had a difficult nine months and spent the last trimester at home. She gave birth to a healthy son, but needed more time to recover before returning to work. Her employer was generous with her maternity leave, held her position open, and paid her full salary for the months she was not at work.

  Therese was grateful for that, but shortly after resuming her duties, she learned her salary was almost $10,000 a year less than those of the other department heads. She felt this discrepancy was unfair because her credentials, responsibilities, and seniority were the equivalent of her peers.

  Therese and I had lunch the day she found out this disturbing fact. She was determined to march into her CEO’s office and demand that this inequity be rectified.

  I asked her one question: “Therese, is it good timing?”

  When she thought about the situation from her CEO’s perspective, she realized they had made major concessions to her over the last few months. If she confronted him right then about her compensation, her boss wouldn’t be in a mood to agree to a pay raise. He’d probably be in a mood to say, “You’re high maintenance and more trouble than you’re worth.”

  She realized that instead of getting angry and reacting to this, it would be smarter to re-prove her worth to the company with several months of stellar work performance. If she approached the CEO about this issue after she had reestablished her ROI value to the company, he’d be much more likely to consider her request in a favorable light.

  Use These “CYB Criteria” To Choose The Best Course Of Action

  “If you’re trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I’ve had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” - Michael Jordan, NBA Hall of Famer

  Think of a person or a situation that is bothering you. Use these CYB (Choose Your Battles) criteria to figure out whether it’s wise or risky to speak up. Ask yourself:

  1. Is it trivial? Is it a one-time annoyance? Maybe a salesclerk called you “honey,” and you don’t like being addressed this way. Ask yourself, “Am I ever going to see this person again?” Admittedly, this issue does not affect world peace. You can afford to let it roll off your back.

  2. Is it a persistent concern? What if you’re working with a salesclerk who’s calling you “honey” twenty times a day? Now the stakes are higher.
This is not a one-time irritation. It may matter enough at this point to have a talk with the clerk.

  3. What’s the history of the situation? Evaluate the extenuating circumstances. Maybe this is your first week on the job, while the woman who calls you honey has been employed at the store for twenty years. Have you worn out your welcome by complaining about other issues recently? Do you have “goodwill credit,” or is your account tapped out? Are other people bothered by this, or only you?

  4. Is the behavior intentional or innocent? Do you think she’s doing this on purpose to antagonize you, or is it meant as an affectionate endearment?

  5. Can or will it change? Is the person capable of changing her behavior? Is she motivated to treat you differently? Maybe this woman could call you by your given name (after all, you wear a name tag), but she’s been calling women honey her whole adult life and sees no reason to change now. Maybe her attitude is “This is the way I am. If you don’t like it, tough!” I once saw some graffiti that advised, “Never try to teach a pig to sing. It’s a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig.” You may conclude that trying to get this person to stop calling people honey is the equivalent of teaching a pig to sing.

  6. Is it a short-term win and a long-term loss? Ask yourself, “If I go to the mat over this issue, what will happen? Could I win the battle and lose the war? Would it be better to overlook this minor issue in favor of a larger goal?”

  General George S. Patton suggested, “Take calculated risks. This is quite different from being rash.” Maybe the toll for crossing this particular bridge could be a strained working relationship, and you’re not willing to pay the price.

  Put Your Mind In Gear Before You Put Your Mouth In Motion

  “I never regretted a single thing I didn’t say.” – Calvin Coolidge

  Running through this checklist can help you decide whether to speak now or forever hold your peace. After taking these factors into account and testing the water, you may decide the issue is too petty to pursue. Or you may decide you’re not willing to turn the other cheek, and it’s important enough to bring to the other person’s attention. Either way, you’ll be acting with thought, instead of putting your mouth in motion while your mind is in park.

  A friend of mine used these Choose Your Battles (CYB) criteria to handle a minor issue that had bothered him for years. He likes his full name, Robert, and used to smolder silently whenever strangers shortened it to Bob or Rob. Now, if someone takes it upon himself to call my friend by a nickname, he asks himself if he’s ever going to see the person again. If not, Robert lets it go. If he is going to be spending time with the person, he now smiles and says, “I prefer to be called Robert.” Situation solved.

  To Nag Or Not To Nag

  “I dated this girl for two years. Then the nagging starts: I wanna know your name!" - Mike Binder, American Producer and Actor

  In Tongue Fu!® workshops for couples, I ask participants to think of one thing they don’t like about their spouse/partner. (A smart aleck once cracked, “Just one?”) I then ask them to use the six criteria to evaluate the behavior that bothers them so they can decide once and for all whether it’s worth pursuing.

  If the undesirable trait is never going to change and their partner has other saving graces, maybe it’s time to focus on all their partner is instead of all he or she is not.

  One woman told me this idea saved her marriage. “My husband loves to play golf. In fact he lives to play golf. Every Saturday, he’s out there, rain or shine, with his buddies from seven a.m. to two p.m. He misses most of our kids’ athletic events. I’m always the one chauffeuring them around and trying to explain why he doesn’t come watch them play.

  “No matter how much I told him this was hurting his children (and me!), golf was basically a nonnegotiable item for him. He felt he worked hard all week and deserved to have half a day to spend as he pleased. I had accumulated so much resentment over this, I had almost decided to give him an ultimatum: if golf was more important than his family, we’d be better off without him.”

  Is It Time To Put Up Or Shut Up?

  “Resentment isn’t a magnetic personal style.” – speechwriter Peggy Noonan

  The golf widow said she went through each of the CYB criteria to decide whether or not to give him an ultimatum. “I realized he wasn’t going to stop playing golf. He’d already told me flat out that golf keeps him sane, and that he intends to play until they have to prop him up to tee off.

  “Then I asked myself the important question ‘Is this issue worth jeopardizing our marriage?’ I started thinking about all the things Austin is instead of this one thing he’s not.

  "I concluded, on balance, that this issue had grown out of proportion for me and that it was not worth letting my accumulated resentment over it ruin our twenty-year relationship.

  “I decided that instead of driving myself crazy over his hobby, I would change my attitude about it. Instead of getting mad, I would be glad he was skilled at a sport that gave him a chance to be outdoors with friends. I decided to help the kids focus on all the things their father did for them instead of this one thing he didn’t. And I decided to meet my best friend on Sundays for a morning walk/talk so I wasn’t getting shortchanged on weekends. I chose not to fight this losing battle, and as a result, we’ve all won.”

  What Are You Unhappy With?

  Instead of seeking new landscapes; develop new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

  What’s a situation you’re unhappy with? There are basically three things you can do about it. You can:

  1. Change the other person. Not likely.

  2. Change the situation.

  Before you take some drastic action (i.e., quit your job, get a divorce, or drop out of school), first ask yourself, “Is the change I’m contemplating a trade up?” If not, walking out is rash rather than wise. In your haste to get out of a situation that makes you unhappy, you may end up in another that makes you equally unhappy.

  As Dorothea Dix said, “So many persons who think divorce a panacea for every ill find out, when they try it, that the remedy is worse than the disease.” In other words, make sure the grass on the other side of the fence really is greener before you hop over.

  3. Change yourself.

  This is always an option, and it comes with good news. In the process of changing yourself (whether you become more assertive or whether you choose to focus your attention on the positive aspects of the relationship), you often influence how the other person treats you, which improves your circumstances. By changing yourself, you can change your world for the better. Just make sure that the person you change into is someone you like and respect.

  If the consequences for taking action are not worth it, it may be time to develop new eyes. Choosing to see your present landscape with a fresh perspective could improve your view. If you decide that enough is enough, the next few chapters provide additional ways to speak up for what you want, need and deserve.

  Action Plan - Choose Your Battles

  Your neighbors have a teenage son who loves to play rock and roll loudly. It’s eleven o’clock at night and you’re trying to get to sleep. You’ve had enough of the noise and are ready to call and say, “Turn off that blasted music.” What do you do?

  Words To Lose

  You call without considering the consequences and tell your neighbor exactly how you feel.

  “Do you know what time it is? Either you shut off that noise or I’m going to come over and do it myself.”

  You continue to nag them about the disruptive music.

  “How do you expect anyone to get any peace and quiet with that garbage blaring.”

  You issue a threat.

  “I’m going to call the cops unless that stereo is turned off now.”

  Words To Use

  You choose your battles.

  “Is this a trivial matter? Is it a persistent concern? It may be petty, but it happens three nights a week.”

  You continue to evaluate whether it
’s worth going to the mat over this issue.

  “Are they doing it innocently or intentionally? Can or will it change? What’s the history? Is it good timing?"

  You decide it’s important enough to address.

  “Jerry, could you ask your son to turn his music down, please.”

  CHAPTER 21: HOW AND WHEN TO SAY NO

  “I can’t give you the formula for success; I can for failure: try to please everyone.” - Bill Cosby, American Actor

  Would you like to learn how to say no without risking your job and friendships?

  A big part of Tongue Fu!® is learning how to honor your rights and others’ rights at the same time.

  This can be a challenge. When do you put other people first; when do you put yourself first?

  If you constantly give in to and say yes to other people, your relationships will not be very healthy.

  Your relationships will be equally unhealthy if you consider only how you feel, what you want.

  The key to creating and maintaining successful relationships is to keep the needs being met in balance. This is easier said than done, so I’ve developed a visual tool to help you clarify when it’s appropriate to go along with what people want and say yay, and when it’s appropriate to assert yourself and say nay.