Tongue Fu!

by Sam Horn

  Charles Darwin observed, “The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts.” Why dwell on exasperating situations when you can choose instead to focus on other, more pleasant aspects of life?

  And if you’re wondering, “How do I do this; remember what you learned earlier in this book about “not” and “stop” being ghost words. It will do no good to say, “I won’t let that doctor get to me” or “I will stop being so angry at that surgeon” or “I will not let him ruin my evening.”

  Instead, fill your mind with what you do want to dwell on. “That’s in the past, and now I will enjoy Skyping my daughter and asking her to hold up our new grandbaby so I can revel in this newest addition to our family.” Tell yourself, “It’s too bad that doctor feels the need to make other people small so he can feel tall. Oh well. Let’s turn on Modern Family and enjoy our favorite TV program.”

  Psychologists posit that you become what you think about, or as Jose Ortega y Gasset phrased it, “Tell me to what you pay attention, and I will tell you who you are.”

  If you obsess about the hateful people in your life, you will become a hateful person. That’s not an option. Keep reading for specific ways to pay attention to what you do want - instead of what you don’t - so you’re in charge of your state of mind.

  Surround Yourself With A “Serenity Shield”

  “I am a light person. I think of myself with a shield, a protective shield around me. I see bad things bouncing off it. Boom, boom, boom ba-boom, ba-boom!" - Kelly Brooks, English Actress

  A young woman volunteered, “I worked for someone like that neurosurgeon. I got a summer job at a factory while I was in college and our floor supervisor did everything she could to make our lives miserable. She’d purposely cut us down with a caustic remark, and if we protested, she’d play innocent and say, ‘Can’t you take a joke?’ or ‘I was just kidding.’

  “I used to take that woman with me wherever I went. I griped about her to friends, coworkers, anyone who would listen. She was right there beside me on my days off; I even took her along on weekends. Now I see that she wasn’t making me miserable ... I was making myself and everyone around me miserable. I was like that cartoon character, was it Pigpen, from the comic strip Peanuts who always has a cloud of dust following him—except I had a cloud of disgust following me.

  “My dad told me I might as well learn early that it’s not realistic to expect to like everyone you work with. He asked if there was anything I could do about her behavior, and I told him it didn’t look like it. Several coworkers on my shift had filed complaints, but they weren’t given any credence because we were just temporary hires.

  “My dad told me it was time to put up or shut up—which is just another way of saying choose your battles. I realized I wasn’t going to be able to change her behavior. The union protected her because she had so much seniority. I wasn’t willing to quit my job because I needed the money for tuition. So I decided to change my approach.”

  “I put up what I called a serenity shield whenever I was around her. No matter what she said or did, her jabs just bounced harmlessly off that armor. That decision to detach from her cruelty and just do my work as best as I could helped me make the most of that summer instead of moping around.”

  Are you Squandering Time or Savoring It?

  “Time is the coin of your life. Be careful lest you let other people squander it for you.” – Carl Sandburg

  A workshop participant named Al wrote to report how he had taken action on this idea. “My wife and I used to take our highly stressful jobs home with us every night. Your workshop helped me realize we weren’t enjoying our evenings because all we ever did was gripe about work. We decided to use a modified version of Eleanor Roosevelt’s idea to make our home a haven.

  “When we get home, we each have fifteen minutes to talk about our day. Then that’s it. No more vindictive venting of who did what to whom. We’re both in the office and on the road ten-twelve hours a day. That’s enough. Why perpetuate the psychic pain? There are lots of other things we can talk about that are infinitely more interesting. We look forward to our evenings now that we’ve reclaimed them.”

  Peace Is An Inside Job

  “Haters never win. Negative energy always costs in the end.” - Tom Hiddleston, English Actor

  I’ll be eternally grateful to a wise tennis coach who opened my eyes to this philosophy. Our team was driving back in our school station wagon from a match in which we had been soundly trounced by our opponents. My fellow players were exchanging war stories about the other team’s psych tactics. Our rivals had pulled out all the stops in their efforts to bear us: stalling, calling balls out that were clearly in, talking during crucial points.

  All of a sudden our coach veered off the highway into a rest stop, brought the car to a halt, and told us in no uncertain terms to get out. She sat us down on a bench and let us have it. “I’ve been listening to you ladies moan and groan for the last hour, and I’m sick of it. Stop blaming everybody else for what happened to you. Yes, their players were unfair ... so is life. You can go around whining and be chumps, or you can grow up, and act like champions.

  “From now on, no matter what your opponents do, I want you to behave in a way you can be proud. Those teams can’t psych you out unless you let them. You lose only if they succeed in pulling you down to their level. Now let’s get back in the car, and the only thing I want to hear is how you’re going to win your next match, and win it like good sports.”

  “The question is this,” says psychologist B. F. Skinner, “Are we to be controlled by accidents, by tyrants, or by ourselves?” Stop giving accidents and tyrants the power to make you unhappy, and stop blaming other people or life when things go wrong.

  Are you thinking, “That’s easy to say and tough to do?” You’re right. This has always been and will continue to be one of mankind’s eternal challenges. That’s why our next chapter explores a variety of attitude-adjusting philosophies from some of our greatest thinkers. By adopting their wise beliefs or by developing your own, you will be better able to handle life’s injustices with grace instead of gripes.

  Action Plan - Take Charge Of Your Emotions

  Your girlfriend dumped you. You can’t believe that after two years of dating, she walked away from all you had together. You keep wondering what went wrong, why you didn’t see the signals sooner. You’re having a hard time putting this behind you, and your self-esteem is almost nonexistent. What do you do?

  Words To Lose

  You allow yourself to dwell on what happened and how miserable she made you.

  “Didn’t she mean all those things she said to me? Was the whole thing a lie? I am so depressed.”

  You think how much you miss her and how your life is empty without her.

  “What am I going to do Friday night? We always went out someplace special. How could she do this to me?"

  You continue to obsess about the relationship and find yourself feeling more and more isolated.

  “This would have been our anniversary. I wonder what she’s doing tonight.”

  Words To Use

  You tell yourself you control your feelings. She can’t make you unhappy unless you let her.

  “I will focus my attention on all that’s right with my world, instead of what’s wrong.”

  You choose to think about more constructive aspects of your life.

  "I’m going to call my college roommate and see if he wants to get together. We always had a good time together.”

  You decide to fill your mind and life with more positive activities.

  “I’m glad I’m healthy, that I have a good job and the freedom to do as I please.”

  CHAPTER 28: 8 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE

  “We’ve got to follow through on our ideas or we betray something at the heart of who we are.” - Bono

  I imagine we all agree with Bono. The question is, how can we follow through on o
ur ideals if we’re dealing with people who are betraying us, undermining us or mistreating us?

  How can we continue to care – even when other people don’t? How can we be the quality of person we want to be – even when other people aren’t?

  A government official gave a great answer to this. I was contracted to conduct training for a state agency. The director of the understaffed and overworked division said they were eighteen months behind in the recording and filing of some forms. Every weekday, dozens of people with documents would line up outside, hours before their agency doors even opened. I asked the director how she kept going in the face of such depressing conditions.

  She said, “You’ve got to have a philosophy!”

  Wise woman. Ever since I had the pleasure of meeting that dedicated manager, I like to ask people, “What’s your philosophy?” because I’ve learned it is a key to the way they experience life. My audiences have contributed dozens of different philosophies that have helped them handle adversity with courage and love.

  A fellow trainer reacts to disappointments with a lilting “Oh well,” and she’s off to other activities. One woman whose parents operated a deli said her mother taught her to pity rude customers (“Isn’t it too bad they didn’t have parents who taught them better manners?”) rather than punish them (“They’re not going to like what I’m going to do to their sandwich in the back room”).

  For many people, the guideline that governs their actions is the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Some people have evolved that into the Silver Rule, “Do unto others how they would like to be done to.”

  In her book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers recommends we repeat the words “I can handle it” whenever we encounter adversity. This phrase works as a mantra you can use to calm yourself in the face of threatening circumstances. Those four words create a feeling of optimistic confidence (“I can”) rather than pessimistic cynicism (“I can’t”).

  Ann Landers advised her readers to “Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all: This, too, shall pass.” Despair is defined as the “utter loss of hope.” Instead of wallowing in despair when things go wrong, remember that your trials are temporary and you have plenty of reasons to hope for better tomorrows.

  What’s Your Philosophy?

  “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

  What is your why? You especially need a philosophy to help you deal positively with trying people and tough times. It’s important to reprogram your emotional reflexes so they support rather than sabotage you. When something negative happens, your constructive philosophy kicks in and helps you handle challenges with equanimity rather than irritation.

  Victor Frankl survived the Holocaust and wrote about his experiences in the book Man’s Search for Meaning. This slim volume was selected by the American Library Association as one of the ten most significant books ever written.

  In it, Frankl concludes, “You can’t always choose or control what happens to you; you can choose how to respond to it.” He certainly didn’t choose to be held prisoner in a concentration camp, and he couldn’t control what was done to him; he did choose the attitude he took away from that horrific experience. He opted not to harbor hatred. He decided to get on with his life and to dedicate himself to making a positive difference for his fellow human beings. He created a philosophy called Logotherapy which is based on the belief that striving to find meaning is the most primary, powerful, motivating, driving force in our life.

  I introduce Frankl’s philosophy in every single Tongue Fu!® workshop because I think it’s the cornerstone of a mentally healthy lifestyle. He’s right. We can’t always select what happens to us—we might be injured in an automobile accident, a flood could take our home, our job might be eliminated, we can be bullied by our boss or spouse—but we can select how to respond.

  The following 10 philosophies can help you find meaning in challenging times. If you are going through a tough time or dealing with someone who is out to run and ruin your life; these ways of interpreting and responding to what’s happening may help you maintain a positive perspective – no matter what.

  Philosophy #1: Know that Good Things Can Come Out of Bad Things

  “Of one thing we can be sure. The quality of our life is determined by the quality of our thinking.” – author Edward De Bono

  Little did I know a frightening yet ultimately moving demonstration of Frankl’s Logotherapy philosophy in action would come from our son, Tom.

  When Tom was ten, he had the game of a lifetime. He hit and drove home 11 runs in one game. We went across the street to celebrate at a local restaurant. We were enjoying the boys’ debriefing of their at-bats when the waiter reached across our table to refill my coffee. His feet slipped out from underneath him on the wet floor and he spilled the pot of boiling black liquid all over us.

  I started screaming because I didn’t know anything could be that hot. Tom was wailing in pain because the coffee had saturated his baseball pants and was scalding his body.

  We quickly removed Tom’s clothes, but not before the hot coffee had stripped the skin off his legs and caused second-degree burns.

  On the ambulance ride to the hospital, Tom was crying, “Why me? I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Why did this happen?” All we could do was comfort him while the emergency room doctors administered medication and dressed his burns.

  The day after this unfortunate incident, Andrew stayed home from school (big sacrifice) and spent hours solicitously bringing out games and patiently catering to Tom’s every need. The following day Tom received a marvelous packet of letters and drawings from school saying, “We miss you.” “Hurry back.” “It’s no fun without you.” Fortunately, after two weeks of healing, Tom recovered fully with no scars.

  Now, Tom certainly didn’t want to be burned and he wouldn’t voluntarily go through that experience again. Yet, it meant so much to him to receive that unexpected, welcome affirmation from his classmates that he was well liked. Plus, he knows from firsthand experience that positive things can come out of painful experiences. He will carry that wisdom with him the rest of his years.

  Has something “bad” happened to you? Please reflect on it. Was it not all bad? Did good things come out of it? If you know from personal experience this is a possibility; then, when something goes wrong, immediately look for the meaning. All experiences serve a purpose, if we can just find it.

  When things go wrong, the universal almost automatic reaction is “Why me?” If you continue to lament your fate with, “I don’t deserve this,” “This isn’t fair;” you will continue to feel victimized. You will see the world as a dark place where innocent people are besieged and beleaguered by bad things.

  You can play a “poor hand of cards” more positively by asking, “Where’s the good?” One of life’s most important insights is to know with your heart and soul, as Tom does, that good things can come out of bad. This is not to say that bad things are good. You may have been presented with bleak circumstances that are in no way positive, but you can reap positive things as a result of them. The good may not always be apparent at the time. If you search for it, it will emerge.

  Philosophy #2: Remember Your Mortality

  “You better live every day like it’s your last; because some day you’re going to be right.” – Frank Sinatra

  In his thought-provoking book, No Ordinary Moments, Dan Millman shares his belief that the issues we face are spiritual weights we lift to strengthen ourselves. He believes our task is to shine through the petty details of our life, not become preoccupied with them or defeated by them.

  He says, “At the moment of your death, your whole life will pass before you. In a few fractions of a second—because time no longer applies—you will see many incidents from your life in order to learn. You will review your life with two questions in your consciousness: Could I have shown a
little more courage in these moments? Could I have shown a little more love?”

  Reminding ourselves of our mortality is not morbid; it is motivating.

  Sometimes we act as if we have all the time in the world. We don’t. As mentioned earlier, we never know when our precious health might be at risk. Keeping that top of mind can help us put what (or who) is bothering us in perspective This is especially important if we are dwelling on this challenging person or situation and becoming so discouraged and depressed it is preventing us from appreciating our life. We don’t casually take things for granted when we stop to realize how fragile they are.

  Years ago, I spoke at a convention in Waikiki about how to make the most of our life by concentrating on what really matters. I suggested the group take advantage of their trip to the islands by getting up early the next morning to watch a Hawaiian sunrise. This was the first and only time many of them would be visiting the fiftieth state, and I thought it would be worth their while to set their alarms for 6 am so they could have the “chicken skin” (Hawaiian slang for goose bumps) experience of seeing the sun peek over Diamond Head and color the sky in shades of pink, yellow and orange. I mentioned they could make the morning even more memorable by watching the sun come up while bobbing in the gentle ocean waves off-shore.

  Human nature being what it is, I warned them that when their alarm rudely woke them the next day, they’d be sorely tempted to turn the darn thing off, curse me for proposing the idea, and roll over and go back to sleep. At that instant of temptations, they were to ask themselves, “What will matter a year from now?”