by Sam Horn
How so? For many of us, our breathing reflects our mental state. When we’re upset, our breathing speeds up. Allowing our surroundings to dictate our breathing pattern poses a problem; because it means we’re at the mercy of our circumstances. If things are going well, wonderful. But if things go wrong, our breathing quickens and becomes shallow; we feel short of breath. This reinforces our sense of risk, which adds to our panic and pressure, which makes our breathing even more rapid, and so on.
Our goal is to reverse this automatic process so our breathing directs our mental state instead of reflects it. In other words, this 5-20 minute practice can help you control your breathing so you can control your state of mind. By purposely breathing slowly and deeply, you can slow a racing mind and heart.
Most of us only use the top third of our lungs. This practice also helps you use all three parts of your lungs. It will reacquaint you with how wonderful it feels to have a satisfyingly full exchange of oxygen and will also demonstrate the power you have to quiet your mind in even the most chaotic circumstances.
Note: please stop if at any time you feel dizzy or light-headed, and don’t stand up until you feel steady on your feet.
1. The keys to effective deep-breathing are posture and focus. Your back needs to be straight without being overly tense. No arching, slouching or leaning forward. Remember our earlier discussion of body language? Whether you’re sitting on a chair, cushion or floor, be sure to tower instead of cower. Shoulders back, head up, and chest open. Your goal is to maximize your lung capacity.
2. Give your mind an intention or gentle order and set a timer so you don’t get distracted by wondering how much time has gone by or how much time you have left. “For the next 5, 10, 20 minutes (it’s up to you); I will focus solely on my breathing and on my mantra. I will put other thoughts aside for now. I can think about them when I’m finished. For now, I will concentrate completely on belly-breathing.”
3. When we breathe in general, we often move our chest up and down and nothing else. This uses only the top part of our lungs. To calm yourself, you want to belly-breathe and inhale from the bottom up. Visualize your lungs as having three parts; a lower space located in your abdomen, a middle space just above your navel, and an upper space higher in your chest.
4. As you breathe in through your mouth, picture the lower space filling first. Then imagine your middle space filing with energy and air. Feel your waist line expand and push out. Finally, feel your chest and upper back open up as air enters the area. The inhalation should take about 6 seconds, whatever length feels comfortable for you.
5. It sometimes helps to place your palm on your abdomen so you can feel it expanding and contracting with each breath. Many of us have programmed ourselves to suck in our gut and keep it tucked in. That may be appropriate for other times, but not for this exercise. Go ahead and relax those tight muscles. It’s even okay to pooch your tummy out. Focus, for the next few minutes, on filling that area with air, not on maintaining a flat stomach.
6. When your lungs feel comfortably full (don’t force it) stop the intake of air. Then exhale in a smooth, continuous movement (not a whoosh) with the air streaming steadily out of your mouth. Feel your chest and stomach contract. You may even feel your belly move closer to your back.
7. When you make a complete inhalation and exhalation, pause for a couple of seconds, and start again.
8. You may want to help yourself stay focused by counting, “One, two, three, four, five, six” as you breathe in and “One, two, three, four, five, six” as you breathe out.
9. Or, you may select a mantra. The mantra you select is up to you, but it usually works best if it’s one syllable, pleasing to the ear and personally meaningful. You can use the same mantra breathing in and out, or you can use one mantra for the inhalation and one for the exhalation. I like to pick a word that represents a characteristic I want to own on the inhalation and a word that reflects a quality I want to exude on the exhalation. I particularly like to use the word “calm” because it has the traditional meditation “om” sound and serves as an affirmation.
10.If you are going through a particularly trying time, you may select a variety of values you want to keep top of mind and use them. I’ve created a variety of combinations I choose from depending on what’s going on in my life right then. These are just a few samples of what I want to breathe into my life and breathe out into my life. Feel free to create you own
•See …. Be.
•Heal … Real.
•Health … Wealth
•Flow … Glow.
•Love … Listen.
•Receive … Breathe.
11.Take a few minutes to try this now. Create a rhythm that feels comfortable for you; mine is breathing in for a count of eight and out for a count of eight. Start with whatever works for you and then slowly increase your count over time. The slower and deeper your breathing, the better.
12.The next time you feel yourself stressed, score your discomfort on a scale of 1 to 10 (one being Zen-like calm and 10 being major freak-out).
13.Do your deep-breathing exercise for a minimum of three minutes; then rate your feelings again. It is a realistic expectation to feel one or two points better. Small change. Big difference.
There are several other types of deep breathing exercises explained in the Now and Zen section of my ConZentrate book, including step-by-step instructions on how to inhale and exhale through alternating nostrils. Yoga practitioners have found that many people favor one side of their nose when breathing. This may be due to a head cold, sinus problems, deviated septum or simple clogging. Whatever the case, it creates an incomplete exchange of air that can aggravate the panicked “can’t catch my breath” feeling when stressed.
I’m speaking from experience. Years ago, a friend gifted me with a certificate for a birthday massage. When I walked into the spa, the massage therapist took one look at me and said, “I can tell you’re not breathing fully.”
She went on to say, “The opposite of breath is death. When we’re not breathing fully, we’re not living fully. When we hold our breath, it’s often because we’re holding back painful emotions. We don’t breathe deeply because we’re afraid of feeling deeply. Breathing shallowly is a way to live on the surface.”
Amazed, (I had come in for a back massage and was getting psycho-analyzed), I asked her to continue.
She said, “The opposite of breathe is seethe. Exhaling deeply is a way to release what’s toxic and stale inside us. Inhaling is a way to bring in fresh air and perspective. When we don’t breathe, we’re not letting go of past hurts. We’re not airing out, our emotions. As a result, they back up and poison our mind and body.”
This modern day Yoda said, “I’m going to give you a back massage, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to make a conscious effort to take deeeep breaths throughout the day.” I did and could never have guessed such a little thing could result in such a major transformation.
Are you stressed and under a lot of pressure? Air out those toxic emotions with deep-breathing.
Action Plan – 8 Ways to Maintain a Positive Perspective
A cranky lady in your building seems perpetually mad at the world. You avoid her whenever possible, but she occasionally corners you on the elevator. Her negativity is affecting your ability to enjoy being at home. How do you keep your cool, stay centered, and continue to be a quality person?
Words To Lose
You talk with the other neighbors about her and everyone piles on in a gossip session.
“What a witch. She could make a rabbit bite. Yeah, did you hear what she did yesterday?”
You give in to the stress and give her a piece of your mind.
“Lady, you are the most unpleasant person I’ve ever met. Why don’t you get a life and stop taking your...”
You let her griping affect your mood and you grow increasingly resentful.
“I can’t stop thinking about what she said today. Why can’t she just ke
ep her complaints to herself?”
Words To Use
You choose to treat her with courtesy even if she doesn’t return it.
“It sounds like things aren’t going the way you want them to and it’s time for a change.”
You take charge of your stress and give yourself peace of mind.
“I am going to put on my favorite music and do a few moments of deep breathing.”
You take responsibility for your mood and create a sense of gratitude by filling out your calendar.
“I will switch to wide-angle lens focus and think about all that’s right with my world.”
ACTION PLAN: TURN INTENTIONS INTO ACTIONS
“Let us then, be up and doing.” – poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Have you ever finished a book all fired up, ready to go out and change the world, and two weeks later everything was back to “same old same old”? Please don’t let that happen with this book.
Are you thinking, “I don’t know where to start?” Confusion immobilizes. Clarity leads to action. The purpose of this last section is to help you clarify your priorities so you can put them into action.
Identify Your Top Priorities
“I learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything…at least not at the same time.” - Dan Millman, American Author and Speaker
Certainly you can’t master all these suggestions all at once. A more reasonable goal is to select two of the most important concepts, write exactly how you plan to use them, and post this reminder in a prominent place so you are frequently reminded of your commitment to adopt new communication customs.
As Henry Ford, the father of the assembly line, observed, “Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it up.” You can become a Tongue Fu!® black belt if you incorporate these techniques into your daily life in small increments.
Please review this book. Skim through the pages and pick two ideas particularly timely and relevant for you. Write why you like the idea (e.g., “I like the idea about reflecting rather than refuting because it will help me be a better listener to my kids”). Create your own action plan on the inside front cover of your Tongue Fu!® calendar.
Turn Knowledge Into Power
“The chief condition on which life, health and vigor depend on, is action It is by action that we develop our faculties, increase our energy, and attain the fulfillment of our destiny." - Colin Powell, American Politician
Now write exactly how you’re going to put these principles into practice. For example, “I’m going to say ‘What do you mean?’ when I don’t know what to say so I don’t say something I regret.” Or “Instead of explaining what went wrong, I’m going to take the AAA Train when someone’s complaining.” Or “I’m going to adopt as a philosophy, ‘I will keep my sense of humor—no matter what!—so people don’t have the power to ruin my day.’ ”
Be sure to include all the Ws (Who, What, When, Why and Where). The more specific you are in outlining your action plan, the more likely you will implement it.
Yes, You Can Change Years Of Habit
“We can do anything we want if we stick to it long enough.” – Helen Keller
Are you thinking, “I’m not sure I can change my habits? They’re kind of locked in by now.”
I’ll always remember the time I was presenting a workshop and we had just finished discussing Words to Lose/Use. A man shakily raised his hand as we completed the list of trigger words and said, “I use those words all the time! I used ’em all in one sentence this morning!”
He elaborated, “I told my head engineer he had to work overtime this weekend to repair some electrical problems. He said he couldn’t because his parents were arriving from out of town and they had made plans. I told him, “Well, I’m sorry you’ve got a problem with working this weekend, but you’re going to have to because you’re the only one who knows the system. You should have told me earlier you couldn’t come in. There’s nothing I can do about it now. I can’t ask anyone else because they’re not familiar with the system.”
He shook his head remorsefully. “We really got into it. What am I supposed to do though, write these words on my palm? I can’t remember all these dos and don’ts.”
He’s right: it can be a challenge to change deeply ingrained habits. I asked the class if they’d be willing to try an exercise that demonstrates the three-step process to picking up new skills. If you will take thirty seconds to complete this simple assignment, you too can overcome any skepticism you might have.
The Three “A’s” To Acquiring Skills
"There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” – Aldous Huxley
Please write, using your best handwriting, the sentence “I’m good at Tongue Fu!®”
Now write the same sentence with your other hand.
How did it feel to write with your other hand?
How does that second sentence look?
Most people agree that writing with the non-dominant hand is time-consuming and uncomfortable.
What’s the point? Would you agree handwriting is a skill? How about basketball? Driving a car? Sure, they all are. We aren’t born knowing how to do these things. We have to learn them step by step.
In the mastery of any skill, people go through three stages. While you were writing that second sentence, you experienced firsthand the initial stage of adopting new habits. Interestingly, the three stages of learning all start with the letter A.
A= Awkward. When you try something new or different, you usually don’t do it very well. Remember the first time you drove a car with a gearshift? Did you give yourself a mild case of whiplash from starting, stopping, and stalling? Instead of giving up in frustration (“I’ll never do that again”), you reassured yourself that poor performance was to be expected (“Of course I didn’t drive very well. I’d never done it before”). You wanted to acquire this skill, so you kept practicing, which advanced you to the next stage of learning.
A= Applying. At this stage, you are applying the techniques you’ve been taught and getting improved results. You’re coordinating the gas pedal, brake, and clutch while smoothly moving the stick shift. You’re able to get through an intersection and turn corners without causing an accident. You want to become an even better driver, so you continue to practice the fundamentals.
A= Automatic. At this point, you don’t even have to think about what you’re doing because it comes so naturally. You’re an experienced driver who gets from Point A to Point B while having conversations and playing the radio—all safely and without a moment’s thought as to the process that’s producing your performance. The fundamentals are performed unconsciously and effectively.
Practice Pays Off
“In every childhood, there is a moment where a door opens and lets the future in.” - author Graham Greene
Are you wondering, “What’s this got to do with Tongue Fu®?”
Would you agree that Tongue Fu!® is a skill? It is. And, as with any skill, it takes time to master.
It may feel awkward using and at first instead of but. You may feel uncomfortable speaking up for what you want because you’ve got a history of going along to get along. You may occasionally lose your temper and forget your good intentions to use the Empathy Phrase. You may react to an untrue accusation instead of saying, “What do you mean?”
That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. That doesn’t mean Tongue Fu!® doesn’t work or that you can’t learn it. It just means you’re in the natural first stages of changing old habits and acquiring new ones.
Satchel Paige quipped, “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes you get rained out.” Don’t give up in those initial awkward stages if you get “rained out” when you try these techniques and receive less-than-perfect results. Persevere. Be patient with yourself and continue to apply the approaches you’ve discovered in this book. You’ll find yourself becoming more confident when dealing with challenging people. You’ll fin
d yourself focusing on solutions instead of finding fault. You’ll find yourself using “I wish” instead of “There’s nothing I can do" and people choosing to respond in kind.
You’ll get to the point where your Tongue Fu!® skills automatically switch on in stressful situations. And when they do; they’ll open the door to a better future for you and everyone you deal with.
Tongue Fu!® Is A By-Product
“I want compassion to be the new black.” – musician Steve Tyler
Tongue Fu!® isn’t a goal, it’s a by-product of following up and using the ideas covered in this book. I realize there’s a lot to digest, so I’ve created an acronym to help you remember eight crucial concepts that can help you turn conflicts into cooperation.
T = Therapist’s tool. Paraphrase. Listen, don’t lecture.
O= Open mind: Give people a chance and a fresh start.
N = Needs: Keeps the scale in balance and say no.
G = Gracefully exit: End arguments with “Let’s not do this. This won’t help.”
U = Understand: Turn anger and impatience into empathy with “How would I feel?”
E = End complaints? Don’t explain; take the AAA Train.
F = Friendly phrases: Prevent conflicts in the first place with Words to Use.
U = Use your philosophy: Maintain a positive perspective – no matter what.
