Occupied

by Janet Preece

  ‘Mrs. Summers, thank you for waiting. I’m afraid we had to put Tommy in time-out today.’ She looked down at him. ‘Tommy, would you like to tell your mother what you were doing in school?’

  Tommy looked at the floor, his eyes welling with tears and lip trembling. Surely, she could see he wasn’t likely to respond? Just spit it out so we can all go home, she thought.

  The teacher crouched down to Tommy’s eye level and waited for him to lift his face before speaking. ‘I’m afraid you were swearing in school, weren’t you, Tommy?’

  Seriously? Okay, how do I respond to this one? Hmm… Julie took a deep breath and tried not to smile. ‘Oh! I’m surprised. He never swears at home! What did he say?’

  The teacher slowly stood to face Julie head-on, pausing for effect like some evil nanny in a lame kid’s horror movie, then, eye-to-eye, spelled out in a slow, precise manner, ‘Penis.’

  It took a while for Julie to put the word together because of the length of the teacher’s pauses between each letter, but when she did, Julie let a snort of laughter. Is that really a swear word or is it a body part? The teacher’s face held deadly serious, and Julie felt the required response would be for her to look shocked and offer to reprimand him when she got home. She just couldn’t be bothered with all that shit today. Life’s too short! So what if he said fucking bollocks? He’s a kid!

  ‘I believe you’re mistaken in thinking that’s a swear word. Perhaps a lesson is needed in class to help all the children accurately name their body parts if that was reported by another child as inappropriate language.’ With that, she grabbed Tommy’s hand and turned to leave, not waiting for a response. She had no doubt he’d been using the word inappropriately, but what the hell? You only live once. ‘Don’t worry, darling, you’ve done nothing wrong. The teacher made a mistake.’

  Tommy’s eyes were wide, the teacher dumbstruck, as Julie smiled and led him away.

  ‘Fancy an ice-cream, Tommy?’ she asked.

  His big smile was reward enough.

  I am strong, I am brave, I am powerful, she repeated the mantra in her head as they walked away. A few steps from the school, she bent down to Tommy to give him a hug, wanting him to know, repeating the same to him. ‘You are strong, you are brave, you are powerful, and you are loved.’ She squeezed him, and he tried to shrug her off.

  ‘Mum, get off me! You’re squeezing me to death!’

  Oh, seriously, child? Forget it then.

  Back at the house, Julie noticed her older boys had beat them home. It had taken her and Tommy a while to finish their ice-creams, and the ridiculous interlude with Tommy’s teacher had held them back later than usual. Thankfully they had the car waiting for them round the corner, but she didn’t dare eat the ice-creams inside. Dan would be mad if he found out and she couldn’t trust Tommy to keep a secret. If it had been Jack, now that’s a different matter. He was reliable when it came to deception.

  ‘Hi, guys! Did you have a good day? Jack? William?’ Julie shouted. ‘Come down, get some snacks! Who wants what for dinner?’ She knew how to get their attention.

  The boys came running downstairs, taking advantage of Mum’s good mood.

  ‘Snacks? Before dinner? Is this a trick?’ asked Jack.

  Tommy went running off, stripping his shoes, bag, then coat en route to the goodies cupboard in the kitchen.

  ‘I think we need to be a bit more relaxed after school, chill out a bit. Life is only shit if you make it shit.’

  ‘Why are you swearing?’ Jack asked concerned. ‘What’s going on? Are you and dad getting a divorce?’

  Julie hesitated a bit too long, wondering why he’d thought that, why the notion had never entered her head, yet dripped off the tongue of her son as if it was inevitable. For a moment she felt chilled, had Dan said something? Implied it even? He was much closer to the older boys than her, she couldn’t help but feel jealous but couldn’t do much about it as Tommy took up so much of her time.

  She looked at Jack and William, both waiting expectantly.

  ‘Of course not, darling. Why would you think that?’

  ‘You’re acting odd,’ Jack mumbled, losing interest and following Tommy off to find the crisps.

  William seized on the opportunity. ‘Did you ask us what we want for dinner?’ Taking her nod for affirmation, ‘In that case, I would like pizza!’ He knew the others didn’t like it, so that would mean Mum making more than one dinner, which she swore she never would. I’m making one meal for everyone, and if you don’t like it, you can go hungry. The daily repetition was grating, but tonight was different.

  ‘Yes, of course. What about you, Jack – what would you like?’

  They both stared back sceptically.

  ‘Anything I can eat in my bedroom!’ he replied.

  Rules were made to be broken.

  Mum smiled back. ‘Go and play on your electronics. I’ll shout you when it’s ready. Life doesn’t have to be a constant argument, you know?’ She smiled at their backs as they galloped off upstairs.

  Julie walked over to the sofa and slumped down next to Tommy, watching him on the iPad. She relaxed, knowing she would only have to throw some oven food in a bit later, and the kids would be happy to wait since they had free reign until then.

  ‘Look at the world I’m building on Minecraft, Mum.’

  ‘Okay, Tommy, show me.’ She smiled back, cuddling up close. Julie was sick of always saying no to the kids. She wanted to enjoy them while they were still little. How had Tommy got to seven so quickly? She leaned over to ruffle his hair and kiss him on the head, remembering him as a baby and how soft that hair had been.

  My babies are growing up, and I’m going to embrace every moment, she thought. And as for Dan? Well, if he doesn’t like my new way of life, I’ll be happy to oblige with that divorce.

  Chapter Twelve

  ‘Hi Julie, take a seat.’ Kate gestured to the sofa, and Julie started plumping the cushions before getting settled.

  ‘So, how are you?’

  Julie smiled back, crossed and uncrossed her legs. She looked over at Kate, tried to mirror her body language – so relaxed yet in command, leaning back in her chair. It made her think of super-nanny shows on TV, the techniques for speaking to a child to get them to respond in the right way. It all seemed like a pretence. She thought through Kate’s question and what answer she should give. Pretty fantastic, actually! Proper chilled out, rejuvenated, full of adrenaline and rearing to go! No fucker is going to mess with me, or they’ll get their bloody head bashed in!

  Did she say that out loud? She looked over for Kate’s response and saw her fixed smile, unflinching body.

  ‘I’m fine. How are you, Kate?’

  ‘Okay, let’s think about progress since our last session. We ended with some goal-setting, and I wanted to find out if you ticked off any of those targets. I know it’s only been a week, but I want you to set lots of small goals so you can frequently reward yourself. So, have you done anything for yourself this week, no matter how small? It all counts!’

  ‘Well, I’ve spent more time with my kids, I’ve spent more time on myself. I’ve started writing film reviews and uploading them to the internet, and I’m walking back and forth to the cinema for exercise. Sorry, am I talking too fast?’

  ‘Not at all! This is all great stuff. Well done! Please, continue.’

  ‘The fresh air is invigorating, and it gives me a real rush to do things for me for a change. It’s surprising how much time I actually have now I’ve started to plan things in.’ And I’m not feeling anxious or scared of every moving thing. ‘I’m feeling much more confident because I’ve stopped caring what people think. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?’ She thought back to the cinema. I could start murdering people and feel no remorse? Even find I enjoy it?

  Kate had moved on already. ‘Exactly,’ she said enthusiastic
ally. ‘We all make mistakes – that’s just part of being human. You need to keep trying new things and see what you enjoy most.’

  Julie was surprised Kate hadn’t picked up on her comments. She was still smiling – madness! Her assessment and advice seemed uncanny, as if she could hear Julie’s thoughts and was in agreement that the attack was…what, a rite of passage?

  Julie looked around the room, not sure what to say next, hoping Kate would fill the silence. There was a huge oak coat stand next to the door – one coat, one umbrella slightly open with raindrops still visible. Kate’s. What was her life like? There were no family pictures as Julie glanced around the room. It felt stagnant, clinical, impotent. Julie wasn’t used to being in an office space and wondered if they were all like this or whether it was purely a reflection of Kate’s personality. If it was, how was she qualified to dish out life advice to others? Was she working this job because she was unhappy in her own life? Did the life coach need a life coach?

  She stared at the umbrella, willing it to open indoors, wondering if it would bring bad luck to them both or just to Kate. It hadn’t rained since about six a.m. that morning – was that when Kate had reached work? Julie wanted to welcome the unlucky omens into the room, ready to try her luck against everything and anything. She wondered how it would smell: damp, stale, like decay? Was that the smell of decomposing flesh? Was that how the cinema would smell now, if she were to revisit the scene of the incident?

  Kate’s desk was positioned in front of the window, her back towards it as she sat, light gleaming through her blonde hair. It made her look ethereal, ghostly yet not scary, a golden aura surrounding her. She didn’t seem concerned about the Feng Shui of the room’s layout, or the door to the left behind her, which anybody could walk through without her knowledge. She hadn’t got it right with the window either. Yay for natural light, but at this angle, it would be streaming itself all over her computer screen – if she ever used one. And if not, why have the desk at all? Did Kate invite clients in here for other purposes? Throw herself across the desk, an offering, as alternative therapy? Julie would love to know what was going on in Kate’s world. There were no other chairs in the room, so it was a case of sit at the desk, stand, or try to cosy up on the sofa with her clients. Julie wondered how often that had happened. How many people tried to get out of paying cash by offering payment-in-kind as an alternative? Poor, disturbed suckers.

  She looked around at the white walls. They made her feel uncomfortable. Julie started to question whether they were simply white when they could be a host of other colours: “Chantilly Lace”, “Snow Day”, “Cloud White”, “Whisper White”, “Vivid White”… the list was endless yet all the same. She wondered if Kate had taken hours to decide on the final colour choice. If she was that kind of person. Why can’t white just be white? Nothing was clear anymore. Had Kate chosen a colour because of its name, hoping it would inspire her clients to expose their innermost thoughts? Or was she trying to prove something, positioning herself as more observant than the rest of us, able to notice the difference.

  Kate looked over at her, probably wondering why they were both sitting in silence. Was she waiting for Julie to speak, open up? She’d have a long wait if she was.

  Julie purposely turned and looked to her left, breaking eye contact with Kate. There was a series of three images on the wall, which looked like attempts Julie’s children might well have contributed to the décor, although she suspected they were likely worth thousands. She had never understood modern art. It just looked like a swirling pattern; a magic eye drawing you in to a paint-splatter oblivion. Oh, maybe that’s the purpose? No doubt Kate would be able to explain the significance of each colour and pattern; what made it art.

  She stared for ages at the pictures. Maybe they were hypnotic? Was that part of the service, hypnotising clients to get her wicked way? She couldn’t’ be bothered with pointless chatter now that she was the master of her own destiny, but maybe Kate could still help…

  ‘Kate, are you going to hypnotise me?’ Julie blurted out, her brain taking a while to catch up with the words that had left her mouth without consent. Think, Julie. Process, then speak.

  ‘Why? Would you like me to?’ Kate was serious, her eyes piercing Julie’s, already reading deeper into her world than Julie wanted her to see.

  Great, a question answered with another question. Argh. That is so aggravating. It’s right up there with answering, ‘No, no, no, yes!’ She hated that too. Why bother if you’re not going to be clear? Work out what you want to say, then say it. She must have paused too long, either that or Kate was looking for an excuse to change the subject.

  ‘Let’s move on,’ Kate said, pacing back and forth in the room, but ensuring enough distance to not encroach on Julie’s personal space. ‘Tell me, do you feel happier now?’

  Julie paused, looked at the clock to work out the maths, the value of each second, how much the empty space was costing her. Therapy. It was about silence. About thought.

  If Kate had fifty pounds and a Honeycomb Latte Macchiato Primo costs two pounds ninety-five, how many drinks could Julie buy with the money?

  ‘Julie? Do you feel you’ve taken control of your life back and can see a way forward to contentment and personal growth?’

  Great, she was still talking.

  ‘I’ve made a good start,’ she responded. ‘I’m feeling quite excited for the future, whatever happens. I just feel like this massive stress has been taken away and made me much more relaxed.’

  ‘That’s fabulous! I’m so glad our sessions are helping. So, would you say these changes are mainly down to the regular walks and fresh air you’ve introduced into your life? And your new focus on building your career?’

  Perhaps, but more likely the fact my whole life, I’ve been living in fear, waiting for the worst to happen, and then it did. And I dealt with it. And I survived. Damn it, I won! The buzz of smashing someone’s head in! Taking control of life…and death.

  She smiled back at Kate and replied, ‘Yes, that must be it.’

  ‘It looks like the only area you haven’t tackled is your personal relationship with your husband. Are you avoiding it for a reason?’

  Julie paused again, listened to the ticking clock. ‘I just don’t care enough,’ she said finally. ‘I know I should be organising date nights like you said, but that’s about us, and at the moment, I’m enjoying it being about me.’

  Kate nodded. ‘Maybe that’s something you can work on for our next session? Can you think of any progress you’ve made as a couple with each other, no matter how small? A move in the right direction?’

  Julie was silent, wondering how her new freedom was affecting their relationship. Dan had been working a lot of late nights, and with more fresh air and a little exercise, she’d been falling asleep before he came home from work. But there’d been no argument as a result, and his practical jokes weren’t upsetting her in the way they used to.

  ‘I’m quite surprised, to be honest, how far you’ve progressed in just one week! Usually, we don’t get a change this extreme unless a major life event happens – a wedding, a divorce, a death in the family.’

  She looked up at Kate and smiled. ‘No deaths in our family, thankfully.’

  Julie wondered if she would ever open up about the cinema incident to the therapist. What were the rules about sharing private information? Was she totally protected, or would Kate go to the police? She recalled the rules of confession and how she didn’t trust the priest when she was a child; didn’t think he’d keep her words to himself. She’d been a sceptic, not understanding how three Hail Mary’s and two Our Fathers would make up for stealing the school Blu Tack or nicking money from her dad’s pockets while he was passed out drunk in the other room.

  ‘Well, Julie, you’ve been working really hard and doing wonderfully. I’m afraid time’s up for today, but I’d say you’ve had a really produc
tive start and should be very proud of yourself. For the next session, I’d like you to focus on one thing in your life you would like to change – the thing most likely to have the biggest impact. Remember, what we think determines how we feel.’

  Julie thought of her father, her sister, her mother – relationships gone sour over the years. The ruination, the anxiety, the abusive mental torture from Albert and the release when he had finally died. And now, Dan. History repeating itself. The feeling of abandonment, of worthlessness, of being used as a Cinderella to her now family. She visualised them all, made them into one huge bubble of black smoke obscuring her view, preventing her from reaching her goals. She took a deep breath in through her nose and blew out of her mouth, watched the cloud disperse and with it – her pain, her anxiety, the barriers to her progression lifted. She looked at Kate, grateful to have had the opportunity, for someone to finally listen to her, let her speak her thoughts – some of them, at least – out loud, so she could hear herself think. She knew it was all within herself to change her life for the better, and now, she knew how to make those changes.

  ‘You have successfully started to put things into action, so well done! Keep up the good work!’ Kate stepped towards Julie, helped her off the sofa, escorted her to the door. Pushy. ‘If you could see Elaine at the front desk, she’ll book you in for another appointment. I’m afraid I’m away on holiday for a few weeks, so it will be in about a month, if that’s okay with you?’

  Julie smiled as she left the office, head held high. Getting out her notebook, she wrote down her new mantra for the week: Think power, feel powerful. Think confidence, feel confident. Think fear, kill fear.

  ◆ ◆ ◆

  The wind outside blew fresh into her face as she exited the modern, clinical office. Out in the wild of nature, Julie pulled her snuggly coat around her body and her hood down over her ears, ignoring her mobile phone as it buzzed. Whoever it was could wait for her to make time for them. She was sick of putting other people first. She would be her own first priority from this point on.