It Takes a Village: Finding the Right Support System in Addiction Recovery
Page 5
Manipulators, Enablers, and Supporters
That recovery requires one to completely isolate themselves from family and friends is a common myth and misconception. The misplaced anxiety of being alone in the world while vulnerable causes some to hesitate in seeking treatment. The odyssey of self-reflection, discovery, and metamorphosis is deeply personal and success in obtaining sobriety is entirely reliant on the dedication and will of the affected person. However, external support is also essential, so long as it comes from a legitimate source. When carefully selecting the members of your support team, be aware of the different types of people who negatively influence your life.
The Manipulator
During active substance abuse one is exposed to the threat of emotional and mental manipulation. Though a common cause of drug dependence is to suppress and avoid memories of trauma and emotional vulnerability, by indulging in self-medication you may be inviting the wrong people into your life, opening the possibility of additional damage. Manipulative people prey on others they perceive as weak. Rather through passive emotional coercion or cruel physical punishment, manipulators will find a means of getting their way. When dealing with a person living with a substance abuse disorder, manipulative people will act on perceived weaknesses: kindness, insecurity, and submissiveness. By using these aspects of one’s personality against them, these conspirators control their victims.
When one thinks about manipulative relationships, the typical example which arises is that of an emotionally or psychologically manipulative romantic entanglement; we think of controlling spouses, jealous girlfriends or possessive boyfriends. While there is a certain danger of being manipulated by these people, romantic entanglements are not the only source of exploitation. Parents, friends, siblings, and even one’s own children may be the origin of a toxic, manipulative relationship.
Recognizing manipulative signs and actions is paramount to avoiding a potentially dangerous situation. Not all negative influencers will resort to physical violence, but that risk, compounded with the undeniable emotional and psychological damage caused by allowing a manipulative relationship to go unchecked is never worth it.
The Watershed details the five basic types of manipulators, each with their own methods and mannerisms (2014):
The Helper: This is the person who is all too ready to help anyone in need without hesitation… then hold it over their heads whenever convenient. They use their helpfulness as leverage to get their own way in future situations. This type of manipulator uses a veil of kindness to make others feel obligated to serve their purposes, even if they aren’t comfortable with participating.
It is easy for a ‘helpful’ manipulator to sneak their way into one’s support system; after all, they’re greatest asset is appearing to have one’s best interest at heart. However, the truth is revealed when they begin to use their aid as a tool against you.
The Passive-Aggressive: Most people know someone who would rather avoid conflict than address problems directly- or even at all. However, making subtle hurtful comments or engaging in indirect retaliation is a type of manipulation as well. People who use passive-aggressive means of control are skilled at turning situations in their favor with a few choice words and calculated actions.
When dealing with someone active in their addiction, passive-aggressive tactics of exploitation may include comments bringing someone’s worth into question due to their substance abuse disorder, or diverting attention from their own flaws and mistakes by drawing attention to those of another.
The Guilt-Giver: Manipulation via guilt is especially difficult to overcome, as the manipulator stages themselves as feeble and helpless. Through guilting others and garnering sympathy, they compel others to do as they wish in order to improve their “plight”. Through embellishments and flat-out lies, these people use empathy and sympathy to mold people to their wills.
Anyone who blames their troubles and woes on your substance abuse disorder does not belong in your support system. While understanding that addiction has far outreaching effects outside of yourself is important, blaming and guilt-tripping should not be part of that. Dwelling on past circumstances not only hinders the recovery process, it also inhibits personal growth on both sides.
The Victim: Similar to the guilt-giver, the victim uses one’s empathic nature to their advantage. However people who influence others by playing the role of the victim deflect all accountability for their actions. They use the sympathy of others to dismantle one’s defenses, leaving one vulnerable and susceptible to the will of the manipulator.
Addiction victimizes everyone; however, using someone else’s substance abuse disorder- or one’s own- as an excuse to act recklessly and without consideration for consequences does nothing but cause tension and undue harm. Evading the truth, even when it is difficult to face, cripples one’s maturation.
The Fighter: Some people are gifted with using words to sooth, and to cause injury. Manipulators who simply must fight and win- in fact, the only time they concede victory is if it is beneficial to them. Often quick tempered and combative, these overpowering personalities find timidness to exploit in order to get their way. Overly aggressive people use fear and intimidation tactics to make themselves feel superior and in control.
Fear is the strongest motivator for many who stay in an unsavory situation- some find relief from their hopelessness in substance abuse. People who use hostility as a means to an end do not care about the consequences. Verbal abuse and bullying should not be tolerated, as it can quite easily lead to physical abuse.
People becoming the victims of manipulation can easily be attributed to stupidity or weakness; it’s how we convince ourselves we are above such influences. But skilled conspirators are nothing if not sneaky; they go undetected and unchecked until the damage is already done. With the inclusion of substance abuse and the susceptibility caused by lowered awareness and inhibitions, and the job becomes even easier.
Leaving behind a baneful relationship is never an easy task; emotional, financial, and other difficult to sever ties often cause a destructive situation to fester on much longer than is healthy. Adding the stress and difficulty of comprehending and amending the roots of substance abuse makes it overwhelming; it may even seem more beneficial to just accept the treatment one is receiving. However, if you find yourself making excuses as to why a caustic connection is still intact- especially if those excuses are to convince yourself- that is a definitive sign that it is time to cut your losses.