It Takes a Village: Finding the Right Support System in Addiction Recovery

by Alexandrea Holder

Understand the pros and cons of romance during recovery.

  Learn healthy guidelines for creating and maintaining any relationship.

  Recognize the signs of unhealthy attachment to a romantic relationship.

  The emotional intensity associated with love captivates some and terrifies others. There are those who love freely and often, and others who give their love only to a select few. Love itself is a complex emotion which drives some to madness and can lead to people acting in unanticipated ways. The topic of love and substance abuse recovery is controversial in that romantic entanglement can be the catalyst for relapse, or it can be the most valuable recovery tool in one’s arsenal. Specialists in the field of addiction recovery tend to fall on one side of the debate or the other: either one should avoid romantic relationships at all costs during the recovery process, or forming such relationships is fine, given the relationship is healthy for both parties.

  So if you are a person recovering from substance abuse, does that mean love and romance are off the table for you? Well, not necessarily.

  Therapists and addiction counselors who are against romantic entanglements throughout the recovery process warn the emotional impacts and strains associated with forming and maintaining a relationship may prove too much for people in early recovery. People living with substance abuse disorders are often told they should avoid becoming romantically involved with anyone for at least the first year of sobriety. The fear that falling in love will somehow derail the recovery process is not entirely unfounded: people with low self-esteem or mental disorders including the tendency to form intense emotional attachments are warned against forming new romantic entanglements or even continuing with current relationships as such devotion to someone else in a time meant for healing one’s self is counterproductive.

  Others will note an unfortunate lingering side effect of substance abuse- those who have used intravenous drugs or drank heavily may be prone to risky behaviors which can result in contracting sexually transmitted diseases. While STD/STIs do not dictate some moral shortcoming and not all people living with a substance abuse disorder contract these infections, certain diseases such as HIV can be transmitted by sharing needles. Research shows that ten percent of HIV cases occur due to needle sharing (AIDS.gov 2014). Herpes and Syphilis are also common in the active use community. Unfortunately, recovery cannot erase the past, or the ill effects that liger. A disturbing trend among co-ed rehabilitation facilities is unprotected sex between people in recovery which can lead to the spread of STDs, even with precautions taken by the facility’s management.

  While of course not everyone with a history of substance abuse is also carrying STDs, and those who are should not be stigmatized, it is not a reality we can afford to ignore. Even still, this is not a precise reason to abstain from forming romantic relationship.

  Addiction recovery professionals that support the formation of romantic relationships recognize the benefits of the potential bond. In fact, most of these specialists would agree that recovery is all about relationships: the one you formed with alcohol or drugs, the ones strained by the disease, the relationships formed because of addiction, and the most important relationship with one’s self. In recovery, it is important to recognize and nourish those relationships that best serve your goals and nullify those without a place in your new life.

  Why it’s Okay to Fall in Love

  You are absolutely worthy of love. Understanding this truth is vital to all romantic relationships, during recovery and beyond. No matter your past indiscretions or mistakes, redemption always lies within your reach. Dalliances incited by the demanding, oppressive nature of a substance abuse disorder, possibly coupled with mental illness, are forgivable and do not dictate what the future may hold. Loving, healthy, happy relationships help both partners grow and improve themselves. Together, a couple learns to be open to new views and experiences; they learn compassion, empathy, and selflessness. When in early recovery, a healthy relationship can help heal past disappointment and wounds. Therapy and counseling teach one how to designate and enforce healthy boundaries, recognize positive traits and rectify negative traits in each relationship, and effective communication. Using these tools helps to form strong, mutually beneficial relationships that can endure the trials of the reformation process.

  Forming unhealthy dependence on another for one’s own happiness or a sense of completion may set back the restoration put into motion by one’s efforts during rehab. That being said, viewing a new or even existing relationship as motivation to live a sober life is not as bad as one may be lead to believe. The encouragement of someone one feels strong romantic feelings for can be the driving force which pushes one through the low points in the recovery process. The dark days of self-doubt and lacking motivation are dangerous, especially if one does not have a sufficient and effective support network in place. But for those who have the support of loved ones and friends, those days are much easier to face.

  Romantic relationships formed and maintained during the recovery process and into sober living are a double-edged sword; one you need to be careful when holding. They have the power to change the course of one’s rehabilitation: for the better or the worse. When a romantic relationship is truly nurturing and sustaining, one can draw strength from it without feelings of obligation or required repayment. Support stemming from a place of love is grounding, allowing one to safely and securely explore life without addiction.

  When the Love is Not Okay

  From the outside looking in, it is easy to identify the classic signs of a risky and damaging relationship. However, love, desperation, and even fear can cloud one’s judgement, causing one to ignore warning signs and pardon serious trespasses. Even when friends and family members voice their concerns, one may react negatively, perhaps even dissociating with others in order to preserve the self-delusions necessary to justify the continuation of such a toxic relationship. Learning to recognize the signs of a destructive relationship is part of the path to building a brighter, better future for yourself and those around you.

  Abuse, rather emotional, mental, or physical, cause many to submit themselves to a noxious relationships. Through continuous reinforcement of worthlessness and inadequacy, the abuse victims begins to believe themselves deserving of the mistreatment. They are taught that the abuse is punishment for mistakes on their own part, even if there one has not been made. Abusers turn on their victims as an outlet of their rage and frustrations with the outside world; they feel unable to confront the actual cause of their anguish and thus turn on the nearest person with whom they believe they can not only get away with the abuse, but also who they can manipulate into silence.

  While it is possible for an abusive partner to turn over a new leaf, expecting to be the one who promotes this change is a dangerous game to play. According to the Huffington Post, on average three women are killed due to domestic violence each day; one in seven men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime (Huffington Post 2015). Being in such a situation while working through the deep-rooted causes of addiction opens the door to complications which may cripple one’s growth and result in relapse as well as other potential complications associated with abusive treatment. If you find yourself in an abusive situation, speak out, create a plan, and follow through. Stick to your plan and recognizing that nothing you do or have done warrants any type of physical, mental or emotional abuse.

  If your lover is also afflicted with a substance abuse disorder, and continues to actively participate in using with no intention of stopping, there is little chance the relationship will be helpful to either participant. Just as you have likely experienced, attempting to force or persuade someone who is not ready to leave behind the substance abuse lifestyle rarely works; it more often leads to resentment and rebellion, which subsequently can drive one further into substance abuse and denial. This definitely isn’t healthy for the person actively using, but it also isn’t helpful for you in your journey to live a clean, sober life.
Even if your lover isn’t using the same illicit drugs or alcohol you partook in, the exposure could be enough to trigger your relapse, bringing you back to square one.

  On the same note, a relationship which is causing more stress and anxiety than happiness and contentment isn’t favorable, either. While your partner is entitled to living their own lives and pursuing their goals and interests, if these things have a negative impact on you and your recovery, it may be time to walk away. Selfish coercion into situations with which you are not comfortable or inconsideration for your feelings is a sign that perhaps your partner is not as committed to you as they portray themselves to be. Do not compromise your success in sobriety to please another; it will only end in hostility and exasperation when not returned.

  People in recovery who find themselves seeking out romantic relationships are encouraged to take a moment to understand why they want to pursue such an entanglement. Should the base reason be loneliness or a need for companionship, it’s best to avoid dating or commitment for the time being. Those feelings are products of the vulnerability caused by opening up and acknowledging the hidden emotions and traumas that caused your substance abuse disorder; they should be handled by calling on friends and family member you can trust rather than jumping into a relationship. Loneliness leads one to overlook important signs one is not actually ready for a relationship. Realizing that late into the relationship can lead to awkwardness and attempts to rectify why a relationship should continue.

  If you have any reason to question the effects of your relationship on your recovery, or you are unsure if now is the right time to pursue romantic endeavors, it is okay to put things on hold until you figure out your standing. You do not need a lover in order to feel supported or gratified. Friends and family members in your support system can provide the emotional comfort and companionship you need. Additional companionship can be found in support groups, sober meetup clubs, and public events.

  Picking up old, forgotten hobbies such as reading, scrapbooking, art, or music can alleviate feelings of boredom or restlessness. Early recovery is also an excellent opportunity to explore and try out new interests. Here are a few suggestions for new hobbies to try out as you’re exploring your new, sober life:

  Dance classes

  A new gym routine

  Art classes

  Writing

  Travel

  Baking/Cooking

  Blogging

  Photography

  Martial arts classes

  Volunteer work

  Caring for a pet

  Learn a new language or musical instrument