The Broken Hearts Honeymoon

by Lucy Dickens

  ‘What’s hill walking like in that kimono?’ I call to Flo, up ahead of me.

  ‘It’s fine,’ Flo calls back. ‘As long as I don’t take massive strides.’

  We’re walking up to Kiyomizu-dera Temple, one of over 1,600 temples in this city, which sits on a hill to the side of Kyoto. On the way here, Kaori told us that it’s a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Its name means ‘Pure Water Temple’ and it was built in the year 780 on the site of the Otowa Waterfall. So there you have it.

  ‘You can taste the water near the bottom of the temple,’ Kaori explains. ‘It has been channelled into three streams and you can pick one and fill up a cup and you will get luck that relates to that stream, such as love or success.’

  ‘Can you chuck back all three?’ asks Lucas and I pretend to laugh along with the others but actually that’s a bloody good question.

  But Kaori shakes her head. ‘No, the gods think that is greedy and it invalidates your wishes.’

  And then there it is – in bright, vermillion red stands one of the many buildings that make up this temple. I’m learning that most temple gateways – torii – are painted in this reddish orange colour to ward off evil and symbolise vitality. One day, when I have my own home, maybe I’ll paint my front door this colour.

  Kaori has arranged a private tour led by an English-speaking priest, so we head to the main building to meet him. He greets us each by name and with a bow, his long black robes soft-looking, like his face, and his voice is as calm and as soothing as an ASMR video.

  As he walks with us to the Otowa Waterfall streams, he explains a little about the temple.

  ‘Here we worship the deity Kannon, who is known for her compassion for all people. We believe she can appear in many forms to help those that suffer. You will visit her a little later, but first …’ He claps his hands together and we’re here, standing below three crystal clear streams of water that run over the top of a thick, stone archway. He hands us each a tin cup on the end of a long ladle. ‘You can choose which healing water you would like to drink from. School, good health and longevity, or romantic relationships. The water will purify your senses and help your wishes come true.’

  He smiles and steps back. Lucas and Flo cutely both go for the romantic stream, and then have a snuggly, coupley moment. Cliff and Jack both opt for the longevity stream, and Jack rests his head on Cliff’s shoulder in contentment. Kaori chooses ‘school’ because, she tells us, she’s studying languages on the side and hopes to travel and work abroad one day if she is successful.

  ‘Which will you choose?’ the monk asks me while the others are chatting among themselves.

  ‘I’m not sure. I just had my heart broken so I suppose I should drink from the romantic relationships stream …’

  ‘Why do you suppose that? Would you like to find a new love?’

  ‘No,’ I declare.

  ‘Would you like to be in love with the person that broke your heart again?’

  This time I answer with less speed. “No … I don’t know if I’m out of love with him yet. But I think I want to be.’

  ‘What would your wish be for yourself, right now?’

  ‘To get to know who I am.’ It sounds a little corny out loud, but I also know it to be true. ‘He and I were together for a long time and it’s so hard to unpick the fabric of the two of us and figure out, of what’s left, what threads are mine.’ I look at the view beyond the streams. I probably shouldn’t be boring this monk with my tales of woe, but he stands quietly beside me for as long as I need. ‘I don’t suppose Kannan can help with creativity, can she?’ I ask.

  ‘She can, but the goddess Benzaiten might also be able to help with that, as she is goddess of the arts.’

  ‘Hmm. Thank you. There’s a part of my life that I need to go well, creatively, and it all feels a bit out of reach at the moment.’

  Eventually, I hold out my pole and dangle the cup under one of the streams. I drink it with my eyes closed, focusing on the cool of the water, the sounds of the birds, the feel of the cold metal against my lower lip, and I make a wish.

  From there we move to the lookout points and to inner sanctuaries, and he teaches us about the temple and about Buddhism. We visit Kannon’s sculpture in the main hall, with her many arms to envelop anybody going through difficulty, and we’re encouraged to offer her a prayer if we want to. The hall is dark and candle-lit, with incense lightly scenting the air and a warmth and stillness like a hug when you really need one.

  Finally, our monk leads us to a private veranda overlooking the ‘moon garden’ for some meditation or prayer, and I sit quietly and close my eyes.

  At first all I hear is the plinky-plunky trickle of the water feature, a never-ending background soundscape that is both relaxing and slightly makes me want to pee. But the longer we sit in silence, my eyes remaining shut, the more my ears seem to open out to other sounds.

  A nearby bird chirps loudly and monotonously, moments of silence between each one as if waiting for the other. The song of another bird further away starts to filter in, a rhythmic brrrr. The wind whispers between the leaves of the trees and branches creak in the quiet. A small splash causes me to open one eyelid, and I see the orange and white flash of a koi fish dive back under water in the pond in front of the veranda.

  Beside me I hear Cliff breathing, slow and steady. On my other side, Kaori rolls her shoulders and the fabric of her kimono rustles.

  Would you like to find a new love? the monk had asked me earlier, and I’d said no. But I do, one day. I can’t picture myself ever finding the closeness that Matt and I had with anyone else. But just because I can’t envisage it now, doesn’t mean it won’t happen, I suppose, one day.

  I’m exhausted, I realise. Ever since calling off the wedding I’ve been on the go, cancelling plans, rearranging other plans, explaining things, trying to forget things. I’m not sure I have the strength to keep sightseeing. I wonder if I could stay here for the next three weeks; just do this.

  But that’s not on the itinerary, so the temple tour must come to an end, something we all look a little blue about, having had such a special time.

  We bid goodbye to the priest, and thank him, and walk back towards the crowds.

  We round the corner, finding ourselves in a small yet busy courtyard behind the main hall, where people seem to be taking it in turns to walk with their eyes closed while their friends cheer and take photos.

  Kaori laughs in delight. ‘Now this is a very special place to see on a tour dedicated to finding your true partner – this is the shrine to the god of matchmaking and love!’

  ‘Where?’ Jack asks, looking at the various little wooden huts decorated in calligraphy and wondering what we should be looking at.

  ‘There, I think,’ I say, pointing down. On the ground is a rock, maybe knee-height, decorated with rope and gold ribbon, and a plaque. About twenty metres away is an identical one. ‘Are people walking between the two stones?’

  ‘Yes,’ nods Kaori. ‘The legend says that if you can walk from one love stone to the other with your eyes closed you will be lucky and find true love, very soon.’

  Cliff pondered this. ‘It’d be kind of awkward on our other halves if one of us walked that and made the trip successfully.’

  Kaori laughs. ‘Maybe those of you already in love stick to praying for successful and long marriages using the luck charms,’ she smiles, then adds, ‘which you can buy at the end.’

  ‘Charlotte, you should try it,’ pipes up Lucas and, to be honest, I was dreading that someone was bound to suggest this.

  ‘No, thank you,’ I brush him away.

  ‘Yessss, go on girl,’ Flo joins in, quickly followed by Jack.

  ‘No, really, I don’t need to find a new love any time soon.’ I can’t even imagine kissing anyone else at the moment. The photo of Matt with Katie rolls into my consciousness.

  ‘We’ll all help ya!’ Lucas cries.

  Kaori waves her hands. ‘Actually, you can help her b
ut if you do it will mean that Charlotte will need a matchmaker to help her. She will only find love on her own if she can do it by herself.’

  ‘Can we at least jump in if she’s about to fall off the side of the hill?’ asks Jack.

  ‘Well, yes, because if she is dead she will not find love on her own anyway,’ Kaori answers completely seriously.

  And then they’re all back at it again, egging me on, thinking this will fix me and I feel like a big single show-pony. When Cliff says, in his deep voice, ‘You never know, kid, this could be good for you,’ I give in. I’ll play along to get this spotlight off me because it’s too much.

  ‘Okay, okay, okay,’ I say, and take my position.

  ‘Do you want help or do you want to be left alone?’ Kaori asks.

  I close my eyes. ‘I want to be alone.’

  I do want to be alone. I don’t want to be praying to the gods for a new great love. I don’t want everyone and everything reminding me of my heartache.

  The closing of my eyelids gives me the sensation of a black cloud rolling in, and I’m unable to keep it at bay any longer. My feet walk forwards, and I keep my eyes squeezed shut, not because I’m desperate to complete the challenge successfully but because I’m afraid of them spilling over if they’re open. I hear the others walking beside me, whispering to each other and trying to stay silent. They mean well. If I can’t figure out what I need or don’t need, I can’t expect them to know.

  I wobble on the spot and stop, feeling like I could crumble. I can’t do it. I can’t do this, I’m not ready.

  Just get through it, get to the end, put on a brave face and then go for a walk. I step forward again, carefully, trying to keep in a straight line and I hear Flo whisper, ‘yay!’

  On I shuffle, this never-ending walk that seems to fill everyone else here with hope and laughter, and my hands are outstretched, praying not for a new man but for the end of all this.

  And suddenly, bump. My shin hits the second love stone and I open my eyes, and everyone cheers and hugs me and it does make me laugh a little, which helps me disguise that I’m mopping away a couple of tears.

  ‘How much longer do we have here?’ I turn to Kaori.

  ‘We have about another hour so you can look around on your own, go back and take photos, and then we’ll meet back near the entrance.’

  ‘Great, thanks everyone, I’ll see you in a bit!’ I flash them a smile that drops the minute I walk away.

  I walk fast, my heart pumping, away from the crowds and following a path up into the gardens of the temple. I walk past water features and ponds, past squat, mossy bushes, over a bridge that reflects in the still stream and I find a spot with a stone to sit on, cherry blossoms above me, and a view of Kyoto poking through the pink petals and green leaves. It’s deathly quiet, and I sit down and breathe, and pull out my phone. Is anyone free for a chat? I type to my sisters and brothers. Need some help.

  Mara answers almost immediately. Group call?

  Marissa replies, I have Benny with me, we can dial in.

  Yep, says Gray.

  No matter how busy they all are, they’ll drop everything for me, and I don’t think I can do this without them any more.

  Mara starts a video call, dialling us all in, and their wonderful, familiar faces fill my screen. I don’t even realise how obvious my tears are until Gray gets close to the camera on his phone and says, on full alert, ‘What’s happened, Charlie?’

  ‘I think I need to come home.’

  ‘Why?’ Marissa and Benny ask in perfect unison.

  ‘I can’t be here any more, on this trip, I can’t do it. What the hell was I thinking, coming to the place we planned our honeymoon on my own? I’m coming home.’

  ‘Charlie, it’s okay, tell us what happened,’ says Mara.

  ‘How did I ever imagine I’d breeze around Japan like everything was fine?’ I plough on. ‘I’m in these beautiful places with these lovely people, but my heart is just a big pile of shit and who wants to be around a big pile of shit?’

  ‘Where are you right now?’ asks Marissa.

  ‘I’m at a temple in Kyoto, in the gardens.’ I turn the camera around so she and the rest of them can see.

  ‘Wow,’ Marissa continues. ‘It looks gorgeous.’

  ‘It is, and I want to enjoy it, but there’s always this black cloud over me and—’ I sniff in a lungful of snot. ‘They made me do a love stone walk because I’m the only unmarried.’

  Gray looks very confused but says nothing.

  ‘Well, they didn’t make me but I felt embarrassed and on the spot so I did it and I only went and bloody completed it and now if it comes true I’ll be lucky in love.’ This causes me to choke a sob out and I see Gray’s confusion triple. ‘I don’t want to fall in love with someone else, I want to be left alone. I want to come home. I can’t do this.’

  Mara adjusts her glasses on her nose. Uh-oh. ‘Sorry, why can’t you do it?’

  ‘Because it’s too hard?’ I ask, hoping that’s the correct answer.

  ‘And the only possible solution is packing it in and coming home? To do what? Are you planning to just mope around Mum’s?’

  ‘Mara, you’re such a hardarse sometimes,’ Marissa scolds. ‘I think she should come home if she isn’t having a nice time. Come and stay with me, Charlie, you can sleep in my room and I’ll accidentally make loads of extra petit fours to bring home for you every day.’

  ‘What about if I came out there?’ pipes up Benny.

  ‘You what?’ I sniff.

  He leans closer to the camera. ‘I could come there and join you for the rest of the tour. I could be on the next flight out. Don’t tell any of my mates I’m on a honeymoon tour with my sister though.’

  ‘Excuse me,’ says Marissa. ‘You’re supposed to be staying with me for a couple of days, we have plans, I’ve booked time off work.’

  Gray snorts. ‘Japan versus Marissa’s flatshare, tricky one.’

  ‘Benny, you’re in the middle of revising for your exams, you can’t fuck off to Japan,’ says Mara.

  ‘No, I can, it’ll be fine, I really want to. What do you reckon, Charlie?’

  ‘That’s really sweet but I don’t want more company; I want to come home and lie face down on a carpet for a while.’ He looks a little deflated, and I feel bad. ‘Gray, what do you think I should do?’

  ‘Wouldn’t you be wasting a load of money if you quit now? Isn’t that why you went in the first place?’

  Marissa jumps in. ‘Yes, but she’d also be saving money because they said some of the hotels might refund her, plus she’d save on all the food and drink and activities.’

  I would miss the food if I went home. Have I mentioned how much I’m enjoying the food?

  ‘I think she should do whatever she wants to do,’ says Benny. ‘If she wants to come home, she should do that, and if she stays I should go out and keep her company.’

  ‘What do you want to do, Charlie, or what would you like us to advise you to do?’ Mara asks.

  ‘I want to come home.’ I say it quieter this time, feeling a little less sure of myself, my heart a little less poundy.

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Mara raises her eyebrows. ‘Interesting …’

  ‘What?’ I ask, taking her bait.

  ‘Nothing, I just never realised that all this time you were with Matt was partly because you can’t handle being in the world without a man.’

  Marissa and Benny erupt into a loyalty-filled tirade and Gray laughs his head off.

  ‘Don’t bloody reverse-psychology me,’ I scoff to Mara. ‘You know that’s not true at all! It’s not that I can’t do this on my own, it’s that I don’t want to.’

  Mara tilts her head and I know she’s deliberately being extra-patronising to push my buttons. ‘I think you were the one who said you “can’t”.’

  ‘Well, I can.’ God damn my big sister; she’s winning and it’s a train I can’t stop. Checkmate.

 
I see an elderly couple strolling across the bridge, enjoying the peace, and I know I need to hang up. ‘I have to go, thank you for all your help,’ then I whisper to Mara, ‘Except you.’

  ‘You’re welcome!’ she sings. ‘Call us when you’re at the airport in case you need me to find a man to come and pick you up.’

  I hang up, fuming. But as I look at the view with the tiniest trickle of the stream my only soundscape, and breathe in Japan, I realise I have a little more thinking to do before hauling my arse to the airport.

  I know it’s an awful thing to think when you’re on the site of a holy ground, but deep down I say this with love, I promise: God damn my big sister.

  I’m still all scrunched up and tangle-headed when I get back to the pod hotel later. Thoughts are whizzing through me like all the bullet trains in Japan are going at once, only I don’t know where any of them are going. I need to take back some control. I need to jump off these trains.

  I’ve got to do it now and then it’s one less thing to think about. I need to write to Amanda and tell her I can’t possibly take up the internship. It’s just too overwhelming. And if I’m not going to rush back and try and impress Adventure Awaits then I might as well call it a day with Japan as well. I’ve seen some of it, more than many people who visit here, probably. And I consider myself lucky for that. But it’s time to jump.

  I tap through to the Adventure Awaits website, buying time before I rip the plaster off, telling myself I’ll find a recent article by Amanda herself to compliment her on within my sucky email.

  An advert to the side of the homepage catches my eye. ‘Looking for your next adventure? Click here for latest job opportunities with the Adventure Awaits group’. I do as I’m told and click here, and see three words that make my mind suddenly become very sharp and focused indeed. I sit up.

  ‘Junior Travel Writer’.