All Your Love

by K T Grant

  “I want you to move back to Delpoint and live with me. I’ll need someone to lean on after”—she cleared her throat and held up her finger as she blinked and exhaled through her mouth—“Mommy leaves us for a better place where she can finally be at peace and no longer in pain. Now, before you argue and say it’s too difficult for you to come back, your grandmother is leaving us this house and all her assets. Plus, the insurance money from your parents’ death has been waiting in a savings account for you. A portion of it paid your college tuition. Now, you can take the rest and put it to good use. You can open your own business if you want. Why not start your own graphic arts firm? You can tap into the market in Delpoint and the other outlying towns for those businesses looking to connect with their customers online.”

  “You make it sound so easy.” I shuddered at the idea I would reap such rewards because of Grandma’s death.

  “Haven’t you been alone for too long? Come back to us.” She kissed my forehead.

  “But I have baggage. Bianca isn’t going to let me go that easily, and then there’s Freddie. We’re not on the best of terms.” I would continue to let Aunt Lorraine think the reason Freddie was so angry at me was because of the events from a decade ago, and not because of our recent altercation.

  “We all have some type of baggage.”

  I snorted. My aunt was as close to perfect as one could get. No one ever had a bad thing to say about her. “You have a deep dark secret to reveal?”

  She rose, her signal to change the topic of conversation. “I better check on our dinner so it doesn’t burn.”

  “Oh no, wait a minute. If I can share, you can also.” I wagged my finger at her. “Confession is good for the soul. Tell me something you regret or you did that you’re still guilty about. And it can’t be something silly like calling in sick to work because you wanted to sleep in late or just stay in the house in your pajamas and watch television.”

  She laughed and fiddled with her cross. “I’ve actually never called in sick to work. You must think I’m a goody-goody.”

  “You’re someone I admire because you’re everything I strive to be.”

  “I have my faults like anyone else.” Red colored her cheeks.

  “Make me feel better, then. Tell me one of your faults.”

  She tilted her head to the side, her eyes glazing over like she was lost in a memory. “Like you, I once hurt someone I loved. I made him hate me, or I thought he did. For years, I lived with the guilt and all those regrets of what might have been. But then he came back in my life and forgave me.”

  I leaned forward, digesting what she said. “Do you mean Gerald?”

  She nodded.

  Whoa, some revelation. “What did you do to make him hate you? It can’t be as bad as what I did to Freddie.”

  “I told him I didn’t love him because he wasn’t good enough for me. There’s a good reason why I did what I did. But now it doesn’t matter because he’s back and wants us to be together. So, it all worked out in the end.” Her lips trembled as she smiled, her eyes bright with tears.

  “You don’t think you deserve him because of what you did?” She wasn’t as forthcoming as I thought she would be. Seeing her suffer wasn’t my goal. Even though I was still curious as to why she pushed away a wonderful man like the chief, I let it slide and concentrated on my own problems.

  “Time will tell, I guess.” She let go of her necklace and clapped. “On that note, I’ll be in the kitchen. When you’re ready, you can set the table.”

  “Okay, sounds good to me. I appreciate the talk. I have a lot to think about.”

  “Remember, I love you no matter what you decide.” She blew me a kiss then left.

  It had been a long time since she’d blown me a kiss. She used to do that a lot the first year after my parents died, usually at bedtime. I would wrap my hand around that pretend kiss and tuck it to my chest, imagining it was my parents kissing me as they watched me from Heaven.

  I held that kiss locked in my fist. I then did something I hadn’t done in a very long time. I prayed to Mom and Dad for help.

  Chapter Six

  I got off the elevator and walked down the hall to Grandma’s room. I had come alone, first dropping Aunt Lorraine off at Sacred Heart. She was setting up for the singles meet and greet. I wanted to stop by the hospital before I went to the event. Aunt Lorraine had come to visit Grandma earlier in the day, but I had stayed at home, using the excuse to catch up on work. Not a total fraud, I did work on some projects, but I ended up typing a long letter to Bianca, which I’d emailed her an hour before. It was the longest thing I’d ever written, next to my college term papers. I was brutally honest about her, and my feelings about her lies and keeping our relationship, or rather, I should say, our affair a secret for so long. She would be livid. I expected her to come see me at one point this week. I was ready for the confrontation. I was sick of the games and hiding.

  That’s why I stopped by tonight to visit Grandma instead of tomorrow. Since I had been honest with Aunt Lorraine, Grandma deserved the same from me. There had been many times I’d wanted to tell her the truth, but fear and the possibility of rejection stopped me.

  I stopped in the open doorway. Grandma was awake and watching television. The sounds of the oxygen tank filled the room but didn’t drown out the pounding in my ears. I swallowed and knocked on the door.

  She turned in my direction and smiled. “This is a surprise! I thought you would be with Lorraine at the church. You look nice in red.”

  I bent down to kiss her on the cheek, pleased she approved of my knee-length sweater dress and brown leather boots. But she didn’t comment about my bare neck. “I’m going to the mixer at the church after I visit with you. I wanted to see you because I didn’t come earlier in the day.”

  “Lorraine mentioned you had work to do for your job.” She pushed a button on the remote to raise the bed.

  I sat in the chair next to her. “I had some important things to take care of that couldn’t wait.”

  “You’ve always been responsible.” She grabbed my hand. “I’m so glad you took time off to see me.”

  I folded both my hands over hers and bent down to kiss her knuckles.

  “You have something on your mind.”

  I lifted my face, keeping her palm on my cheek. “How do you know?”

  “I can tell.” She shut off the television and turned on her side, facing me. “Whenever you have something uncomfortable to talk about, you look down.”

  I stared at the blanket covering her hip. I didn’t even realize I had. I glanced up, right at her face. “I do have something uncomfortable to say, well, more like admitting to something you might not be happy to hear.”

  “And you wanted to tell me because I’m about to meet my maker?”

  “Grandma!” I gasped and dropped her hand as I lurched back in my seat.

  She released a hacking cough as she laughed. “I’m teasing.”

  “But it’s not really teasing because it’s true,” I said, my voice suddenly thick with strain.

  She sobered and inhaled sharply through her nose. The oxygen from her tube made a rushing sound, almost like a whistle. “Lorraine also hates when I joke about my impending death.” She snatched a tissue from her tray and wiped the spittle off her mouth. “What do you need to tell me?”

  I clutched the arms of the chair and concentrated on keeping my gaze on Grandma’s face. Licking my lips, I expelled a long breath, which didn’t stop the fluttering in my stomach. “Last night when I told Aunt Lorraine, she wasn’t surprised.”

  “What did you tell her?”

  “I’m gay, Grandma. I thought you would like to know.” There. I said it.

  Her eyes widened, and she hacked in her tissue. I started to rise with the excuse to find her something to drink in order to leave the room as fast as I could, but she held up a hand.

  “Sit down,” she ordered through a choppy breath.

  I froze in my seat, clasping
the chair’s arms so tightly that my knuckles whitened.

  “Are you angry with me?”

  She stopped coughing. “Why would I be angry with you?”

  “Because I’m gay and you’re Catholic, so—”

  “Oh, child, you really thought I would reject you because you’re gay?” She stared at me in disappointment.

  “It crossed my mind,” I said, squirming in my seat.

  “In all the years you’ve known me, have you ever heard me say anything derogatory about homosexuals?” She arched an eyebrow.

  “No.” I flexed my fingers and deposited them on my lap. The stiffness in my shoulders, and the butterflies in my stomach vanished.

  “I loved you the moment you entered this world, and I still do. Nothing will ever change that. You’re my pride and joy.” She shot me a disgruntled glare. “I had a good idea you preferred girls when I spied you and Freddie kissing on the front porch one night around the time you graduated high school. I didn’t care then and I don’t care now.”

  I blinked away those annoying tears of mine blurring my vision. “Why didn’t you have the talk with me, then?”

  “The talk? About the birds and the bees? Lorraine had that discussion when you first got your period.”

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me what you saw that night?” I swallowed a lump forming in my throat. I remember clearly kissing Freddie on my front porch the Saturday after high school graduation. We had gone to some house party, and after a few drinks, I told her how much I loved her. She felt the same, and we ended up making out in an empty bedroom until the cops shut the party down.

  “I knew you were responsible, and I trusted you with Freddie. I had hoped you would tell me in your own time, but it took you longer than I had anticipated. Better late than never, hmm?

  I held back a sob. “You really don’t care I’m gay?”

  Grandma held out her hand and I took it. She rubbed her thumb over my knuckles. “I didn’t care when you were seventeen, and I don’t care now that you’re twenty-nine. It’s your own business who you invite to your bed.”

  “Grandma,” I groaned, my face heating up. I would never be comfortable talking about sex with her.

  “Now that you’re back, are you thinking of picking up where you left off with Freddie?”

  Her sly look wasn’t lost on me. She had commented a few times that she wondered why Freddie and I had stopped talking. All I had told her was that the distance made it difficult to remain friends, and I had wanted a new start away from Delpoint. I didn’t think she believed me. I guess Freddie never told her what happened either.

  “Grams, I’m only back for a visit. I still have my life in Boston,” I said, hoping my reason would appease her.

  “Your aunt and I had a talk about you today. She tells me things are not all peachy for you in Boston.”

  Wonderful. I wonder how much Aunt Lorraine told Grandma about our conversation from last night. “What did she tell you?”

  Grandma’s eyes drooped and she yawned. “She said you’ve been unhappy and fighting with that snobby girlfriend of yours from college. What’s her name?”

  “Bianca. Remember her father is the new governor of Massachusetts? She’s also recently engaged.” My mouth soured at the mention.

  Grandma’s mouth opened slightly and the wrinkles in her forehead deepened. “But I thought you and she—”

  “We are. I mean, we were, but she wants to be traditionally married, meaning to a man” I tried ignoring the grief that wanted to take hold in its unrelenting clench. Dammit. Would I ever get over Bianca and the way she used me?

  Grandma drew her lips together in a hard line. “I’ve never liked that girl and her influence over you. I never understood why you were so enamored of her.”

  I didn’t have an excuse about my behavior with Bianca, and how she had dominated my life to the point I almost didn’t know who I was. I had only myself to blame when it came to her controlling my life and convincing me to distance myself from my family so I would rely on only her for love and affection.

  “You’ll be happy to know her power over me has declined rapidly. I think I’m pretty much done with her after all the—”

  “The bullshit she’s put you through?” Grandma took a big inhale of oxygen through her nose. “I’m glad you finally have wised up. Now, if you can just get Freddie to forgive you, I can meet God with a smile.”

  I rubbed the middle of my forehead, hoping to relieve the pressure there. Grandma had no shame, but I guess at her age, and under her circumstances, it was understandable. But it was still irritating.

  “Why are you so fascinated with me and Freddie? She’s no longer in my life.”

  Now Grandma was the one to get annoyed. Her eyes fell into slits but it wasn’t because she was ready to fall asleep. “She was your best friend all through middle school and high school. You two were attached at the hip, and a day didn’t go by where you didn’t mention her by name. I don’t want you to make the same mistake Lorraine did.”

  “What mistake did she make?”

  She shut her eyes. Her chest moved under her hospital gown as she breathed. “She broke Gerald’s heart in order to protect him and sacrifice her own happiness with a man who would have made her life miserable. God can strike me down for saying this, but I was glad the day that bastard died from a brain aneurysm.”

  “You mean the man Aunt Lorraine planned on marrying?” She had never mentioned him to me, but from what I knew, they had known each other growing up, and then decided to get married. His father had been some bigwig in Delpoint, owning most of the land and buildings, but then sold most of it off after his son died.

  “All these years later, she finally has her shot at happiness with Gerald, whom she should have married and had children with. I don’t want you to end up in the same situation twenty years from now, losing out on something special.” Grandma opened her eyes and her lips quivered. “Lorraine has someone to help her after I’m gone. I want the same for you. You should move back here and live in the house you grew up in, the one that sheltered you after your parents died. I promised your mother on the day you were born I would look out for you. I’ve tried to keep my promise and will continue to do so after I’m dead. I want you to come back where you belong, surrounded by people who love you.”

  Grandma had always been outspoken and direct, but this was the first time I’d heard her so emotional. She was heavy with praise but not one to say, “I love you.” But it had never mattered because I knew she loved me. She showed how much with every smile and touch, including how she helped me feel safe and protected after my parents died. She was my biggest supporter and fan. I couldn’t have asked for a better caregiver.

  “What if I think long and hard about returning home?” I had been going through the various scenarios of staying in Delpoint permanently, ever since Aunt Lorraine had mentioned it last night.

  She gifted me with a blinding smile. “That’s all I can hope for. But don’t sit on your decision too long. I would like to know before I’m dead and buried.”

  “Grandma.” A laugh tickled my throat. I would miss her brazen opinions and ideas, wishing I had as much gumption as she did.

  “You’re such a good girl.” She held my hand to her cheek and her eyes drifted downward and then closed. Soon her heavy breathing, aided by her oxygen, broke the silence in the room.

  As I watched her sleep, I memorized her face, every wrinkle and line, until the clock stuck the top of the hour. With a kiss on her brow, I left Grandma with her love and words of advice embracing me in a warm hug.

  Chapter Seven

  I took a moment before I walked down the stairs to the lower level of Sacred Heart. I stared up at the large brick structure and the stained glass windows I once every Sunday morning until I stopped going to mass. The last time I was inside the church was Christmas my freshman year of college. When I returned to school for my second year, I stopped going to mass because of my own crisis of faith an
d my guilt at lying to Freddie as I became involved with Bianca.

  My phone had been silent all day. No calls or texts from anyone, including Bianca. Perhaps she finally got the message and was giving me the space I wanted? The quiet on her end eased my current state of tension. Now I would concentrate on more important things, such as getting through the next few hours surrounded by people, most likely strangers who I had nothing in common with other than my roots in this town. That might all change if I did return to stay, which was ironic since I had deserted this place with the idea a fresh start would give me a better quality of life.

  How wrong I had been with that assumption.

  Two women passed me and walked down the stairs. They opened the door and a blast of music and conversation carried upward. Tired of overanalyzing myself, I joined the party, hoping I wasn’t struck down by God as punishment for rejecting my religion because of my sexuality.

  I entered the main area without being struck by fire and brimstone. Religious classes took place in the lower level, as well as meetings for various groups. Flyers and postcards hung on a bulletin boards attached to the walls. A sign pointed in the direction of the large room where the music came from.

  Standing in the doorway, I scoped out the action. Round tables and chairs were positioned near the walls, leaving enough space in the middle for a dance floor. Bottles of soda and other drinks, as well as an array of desserts covered long tables. People hovered near the tables with their plates piled high with tasty selections.

  Aunt Lorraine chatted with an older woman. Her face brightened when she saw me, and she waved. I lifted my hand in a greeting and walked over to her. She met me halfway and gave me a hug.

  “How’s Mom doing?” she asked as she pulled away.

  “The same as yesterday. We had a nice talk.” I tucked my hair behind my ears and scuffed the toe of my boot across the floor. “I told her about me being you know what.”

  Her lips twitched, and her eyes lit up in humor. “You can say the word gay here. Trust me. No one will judge you.”