All Your Love

by K T Grant

  “Great. I’m putting you to work.” A smile crossed her face as she stood.

  I joined her in the back, happy to help her close up the café just because I could be near her.

  ***

  Freddie left the door to her apartment open while she turned on the lights. I remained in the doorway, watching her move around the living room. Two bay windows overlooked the street. The drapes were open, showing a murky gray sky.

  “We may get snow overnight,” she said and waved me over. “Come in and make yourself at home.”

  I entered, shutting the door behind me. The snick of the lock made me jerk. Freddie didn’t seem to notice. She grabbed a glass ashtray and a pack of cigarettes from the breakfast nook separating the walk-in kitchen from the living room.

  “I haven’t smoked all day, so don’t mind me.” She opened the window a quarter of the way and she sat on the window seat.

  I kept my coat on and joined her, settling into the far corner.

  She lit her cigarette and took a deep inhale. “Don’t you want to take your coat off?”

  “I’m fine for now.” Down below, streetlamps cast a glow on the sidewalk, and the slim branches from the tiny trees lining the curbs swayed in the breeze.

  Freddie exhaled smoke toward the ceiling.

  “You’ll probably laugh, but I’ve never smoked, not a cigarette or even pot.” The smoke curled over my head until it vanished into nothing.

  “I’m not surprised. The students at Boston U don’t seem the type who would do something illegal like smoking pot.” Freddie smirked and took another drag of her clove.

  “You’d be surprised by what I witnessed in college.” I started to get warm even with the window cracked open and took off my coat. “I went to my share of fraternity and sorority parties and drank some interesting concoctions.” I leaned forward, as if to share a secret. “Before I was twenty-one.”

  “You’re such a rebel.” Freddie finished her clove and snuffed it out in the ashtray. “But you never joined a sorority, even though Bianca did.”

  I shrugged. “Pledging wasn’t for me. I rushed first semester sophomore year, but I didn’t enjoy it like I thought I would.” I had rushed at Bianca’s urging because she did our second semester freshman year. When I realized Greek life wasn’t for me, I thought Bianca would understand my reason. But, like most times when I went against her wishes, she got upset and gave me the cold shoulder for weeks. It wasn’t until I practically begged her to forgive me that she welcomed me back like nothing had happened.

  “But you were her roommate at the sorority house even though you weren’t a sister.”

  My stomach tumbled down to my knees at her announcement. “How do you know? Grandma or Aunt Lorraine told you?”

  She rolled her lighter in between her palms and stared out the window. “I found out when I visited Boston over winter break our sophomore year. Your grandmother and aunt were devastated you didn’t come home for the holidays. I got pissed off at you for being so heartless. I had a feeling the bit—Bianca was responsible, and I thought I’d talk some sense into you.”

  “But you didn’t come.” She had been right about Bianca. I stayed in Boston for the holidays at Bianca’s urging. I had celebrated with her family and then joined Bianca and her friends to Vermont on a ski trip to celebrate the New Year. One of the reasons was because I didn’t want to face Freddie again. Not enough time had passed since the summer of our horrible fight.

  “I did. I went on the campus and then to the sorority house. My plan was to confront you and…I don’t know, maybe even make up.” She snorted and rolled her eyes. “I was ready to forgive you, hoping we could at least be friends again. I got one hell of a shock when I rang the doorbell and Bianca answered. She said you were out with some of the sisters and wouldn’t be back for a few hours. Instead of inviting me in, she told me I wasn’t welcome and you didn’t want me in your life anymore.”

  “Why didn’t you call me to tell me you were visiting?” I asked, stunned Bianca never told me about Freddie coming to see me.

  “I wanted it to be a surprise. After Bianca and I had our little chat, I thought it was better if I cut all ties with you. I hopped on the train back to Delpoint and erased your phone number from my cell and went on with my life.” She concentrated on her lighter as she spun it around in her hand.

  My bottom becoming numb from sitting on the hard wood, I stood and moved over to the sofa and sat in the far corner facing Freddie. “She never told me about your visit. What did she say to you?”

  “I can’t remember everything she said because it’s been a long time, but she basically said I was trash and not good enough for you. She could help you become a big success because of her family’s connections in Boston.” Freddie no longer relaxed against the wall and was stiff and tense, much like me. “She said if I didn’t leave you alone and stop being your friend, she would figure out a way to ruin not only me, but my parents. Her father was a bigwig in the government, so instead of fighting with her like I wanted to, I left, shaken by the encounter.”

  A sickening chill spread through my body. I’d had no idea back then how vicious Bianca could be. I tucked my knees to my chest and burrowed my head in them, trying to catch my breath.

  Freddie joined me on the couch, curling her hands around mine. “Your hands are so cold.”

  “It’s because I’m sick and disgusted she would do such a thing. I don’t understand why.” I groaned, unable to look at Freddie, afraid of the resentment on her face. “What’s so great about me that someone would threaten and scorn the people I love?”

  “Bianca has issues, apparently. But she must have found something special in you to make her so territorial and jealous.” She stared at our hands and pulled on my fingers. “Has she acted like this with anyone else you were friends with, or other women you dated?”

  I let out a hard laugh. “Since I’ve been with Bianca, there hasn’t been anyone else. She’s the only one I’ve been with other than you. The small group of friends I have are ones she introduced me to, and approved of because they bring something important to the friendship. Most of their parents are rich, and support Bianca’s father and her mother’s charities.”

  “You’ve been fine with her running your life for so long?” Freddie shook her head in disbelief.

  I tore my hands out of her hold and folded them behind my stiff neck. My entire back was a slab of tension. “When I first met Bianca, she had a larger-than-life personality and a way of convincing people to do what she wanted. I was so attracted to her, but never believed she would return my feelings because I thought she was straight. But the for some reason, she trusted me. She told me her darkest secrets, and that if they got out, she would be ruined socially and maybe even disowned by her family.”

  “She used you as a crutch.”

  “She shows the world a different face than the one in private.” I squeezed my nape, closing my eyes as the ache rushed up the back of my head and in between my eyes. “I thought I could help her by keeping silent and letting her use me so she could feel good about herself.” I banged my forehead on my knees. “I’m such an idiot.”

  Freddie clutched my shoulders and gave me a light shake. “You’re not an idiot. You loved her and thought you were doing the right thing.”

  “But I’m an idiot. I let you go because of her. It was so wrong of me.” I lifted my face, burning with mortification. “Please forgive me for being so stupid and selfish and destroying our friendship.”

  “You fell in love.” She cupped my cheek, slowly circling her thumb. “People do dumb things when they’re in love.”

  “I never did anything dumb when I was with you.” I didn’t wipe away the tear falling from the corner of my eye.

  But she caught it while she continued swiping her thumb over my cheek. She then did something that made a fresh wave of tears, but happy ones this time, fill my eyes. She kissed my forehead.

  “Why are you being so nice? I don�
�t deserve it.” I shuddered with the need to capture her mouth with mine.

  She released a breathy laugh and then moved back. “I hate seeing you beat yourself up over the mistakes you made.” She set her palm on my chest near my heart. “I do forgive you, but I don’t think it’s going to help you forgive yourself. Until you let go of all the guilt and emotional crap you’ve bottled up, you’ll remain in the same place, and end up back with Bianca, who doesn’t deserve your love and certainly doesn’t have the right the treat you like she has for this long.” She clasped my chin, making me look right at her face. “Let her go, and you can be truly free.”

  Free to be with you? I bit my tongue to keep from blurting the question.

  Freddie rose from the couch and stretched her arms over her head. “I still think we have a lot to talk about, but first you need to help me eat the pint of chocolate chip ice cream wasting away in my freezer.”

  “You made me eat ice cream when I was stressed or upset about something.” She was the one who got me to leave my bedroom after my parents’ death. She broke open her piggy bank in order to pay for our ice cream sundaes at the Creamery where her mother or Aunt Lorraine took us after some school event. We continued to go there until we graduated from high school.

  “Too bad The Creamery isn’t open. We could have gone there,” I said.

  “You remembered.” Her pleased expression made my stomach settle and the knots in my back loosen.

  “I never forgot.”

  I followed her in the kitchen, eager to cement our reconnection over a bowl of ice cream.

  Chapter Nine

  A loud beeping woke me up. I tried opening my eyes, but I was as comfortable, as one could be on a couch, half lying on someone. I was covered in a blanket, my entire body cocooned in its warmth, and my arms and legs twined with another’s—Freddie’s.

  As awareness took over, I blinked away the sleep and drew the blanket down from my head. Freddie still slept, her mouth open, snoring softly. There was a milk stain in a corner of her lips from the ice cream we’d shared. We’d sat on the couch, eating bowls of ice cream, and talked late into the night. I fell asleep on her in the literal sense.

  The intrusive beeping, followed by a squeal of tires and voices outside the window broke the silence. Freddie groaned and lifted her arm over her head, a loud yawn escaping her mouth.

  I giggled and grabbed the top of the sofa to move off the sleeping beauty. But her hand on my back pressed down. She opened her eyes and studied me with a drowsy stare.

  “Hey, you.” Her hand slipped up to play with the back of my head.

  I lowered my gaze, inspecting the middle of her throat and the lovely indentation that nudged me to kiss or lick. I also wouldn’t have minded licking away the leftover chocolate on her lips.

  “What time is it?” I blocked a yawn with the side of my hand so I didn’t blast her with my stale chocolate breath.

  “Around seven-thirty based on the garbage truck I heard.” She swiped her finger down the bridge of my nose, leaving a pleasant prickling behind.

  “Don’t you have to open the café?” I rested my cheek on the sofa cushion.

  “Glory opens the café on Mondays. I’m not due until noon. We have the whole morning to ourselves.” The drowsy look in her eyes vanished and a warm look aimed at me appeared.

  “I should call Aunt Lorraine and tell her I’m here. I forgot to last night. She must be worried.” Suddenly shy, I moved to sit up.

  “Hmm.…” She stretched her arms over her head, and the middle of her throat I had become obsessed with mocked me.

  “I can’t help it,” I whispered. When she said my name and clutched my shoulders, I shifted over to set my lips on that section of skin I’d wanted to taste ever since I woke up.

  She arched back and lowered her right leg to the floor, allowing me to sink into her soft body. When she said my name again, I flicked the tip of my tongue along the top of her chest uncovered by her shirt. Her fingers tightened in my hair.

  “I want you to kiss me,” she commanded.

  “That’s what I’m doing,” I teased and licked further.

  She brought my mouth to hers, sealing our lips in a tight suction. I sighed, and her tongue slipped inside my mouth to play with mine. Our chocolate breaths mingled, and we swallowed our moans while we kissed hello, becoming reacquainted again. Her arms came around my head in a protective clasp. I returned the favor by capturing her face in my palms and rocking forward, enjoying her gasp of pleasure.

  With our mouths still fused together, Freddie turned on her side, taking my leg and wrapping it around her hip. I murmured some type of approval, encouragement, hoping she would take the lead so I wouldn’t have to.

  A ringing phone penetrated my muddy brain. I ignored the annoying sound, concentrating on Freddie’s kisses and her fiddling with the zipper to my slacks. Finally, the ringing stopped, and the click of the answering machine came on.

  “Freddie, it’s Lorraine. I hope Cassie is there. I’m on the way to the hospital. Her grandmother went into cardiac arrest an hour ago and she may not make it. If you’re there, please pick up.”

  Freddie broke off the kiss and dashed to answer the phone. I sat up, trying to catch myself and ignore my physical upheaval. My stomach bottomed out and my heart drummed in my chest while Freddie talked to my aunt about my grandmother’s status.

  She finally came over and handed me the phone, linking out fingers together. When I finished the call with a promise to go to the hospital as soon as possible, Freddie enfolded me in her embrace while I cried.

  ***

  The small chapel smelled of lemon and smoke. A strange combination, but one that didn’t really bother me. I was bothered in other ways, or rather I should say sick, my insides gutted and torn apart.

  My grandmother was dead, and I had arrived too late to say good-bye. I was ten minutes too late. But it didn’t matter. She’d never regained consciousness after her heart stopped. The doctors said her final moments were peaceful.

  After Dr. Trepman announced the time of death, Aunt Lorraine and I were allowed to see her. But it was just Grandma’s body, her shell and not her soul. Finding the chief in the hallway with Freddie, I told him he should be with my aunt. He stepped into the room immediately. Freddie reached out to hug me. I stopped her and said I needed to be alone. Without waiting for her response, I found the chapel and sat in the front row staring at the small altar in front of a stained glass window with doves.

  I mourned the loss of a wonderful woman, finding myself smiling through my tears at precious memories. I scrolled through my phone, trying to find any voice messages I’d kept from Grandma and instead read the hateful texts Bianca had sent me last night. I erased them all except for one, which I responded to with three words. “My grandmother died.” I then deleted Bianca’s number from my cell.

  I felt an incredible sense of loss but also peace. I would like to think Grandma was in a better place, free of pain and sadness. I was lucky to have the last few days with her, to feel her love and acceptance. I would cherish that time with her always.

  Eventually, Freddie sat down next to me.

  “It’s beautiful here,” she said, peering at the stained glass windows.

  “Also very peaceful.” I studied the wooden cross at the front of the room surrounded by electric candles. I would light one of the candles in Grandma’s honor.

  “Cassie, I’m so sorry.” Freddie curled her arm around my shoulder, and I settled into her side.

  I kept my hands in my lap instead of clutching her. If I did, I would break down in tears again. “I wish I’d had a chance to say good-bye. That’s something I’ll always regret. But she’s in a better place now, right?”

  “I’d like to think when the people we love die, they end up someplace wonderful. I guess it would be Heaven.”

  I was on the fence as to whether or not there was an actual Heaven. I also didn’t feel God’s presence as I should. But at least I had my au
nt, and, for the time being, Freddie to turn to for emotional support.

  She set her hand on both of mine. The way she curled her fingers around my stiff ones, offering me such a simple comfort, helped pushed aside the numbness spreading through my body. Then there was a click near the front of the room, and one of the electronic candles lit up. It was the one I would have chosen to turn on.

  That candle was the brightest. It didn’t make sense that a candle would turn on without human intervention, or that specific candle outshone all the others there. I also swore Freddie and I weren’t alone. There was a shift in the air, but it didn’t frighten me.

  “Do you feel anything different?” I asked while slowly taking in the room, searching for any other strange occurrences.

  “I’m much warmer than I was a second ago. I think the heat came on.” She pressed her lips to mine, gifting me a tender kiss. I smiled, receiving her kiss with pleasure.

  Freddie had finally forgiven me for the past. She proved by actions rather than words. I shuddered as euphoria burst inside my chest and carried across my arms and down my fingers.

  “I’ve came to some conclusions about things.” I barely kept my voice controlled, wincing at my squeaking tone. It had been so long since I felt so energized. “And it’s all good.”

  “Tell me about these things,” she directed, her face bright with anticipation.

  “Before you found me here, my pain over Grandma’s death was unlike anything I ever felt before. I had an incredible sense of loss, which I guess most people experience when someone they love dies. But then my grief lessened and I found peace inside of me.” I drew one of my hands away from her and set my palm on my stomach. “It was the strangest thing. And then you appeared and all my anguish and sadness left. You wrapped your arm around me and kissed me because you wanted to offer comfort and didn’t expect anything in return.”

  “Why would you think I would want something in return?” Her forehead pinched in confusion.