Beautiful Pain

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  She found her nail clippers and lifted her shaking hand. She felt the blood that was pulsing through her veins, demanding to bring back the beautiful pain. Then she saw Harry in front of her and she broke down in tears remembering her promise to him. She threw the clippers across the room, howling as the fear slipped into her bloodstream, attacking her cells.

  She wasn’t sure how she managed to finish packing, but when she was out of the room she was empty. Her heart broke into pieces and death ate away the last parts of her soul. She couldn’t explain to him that she was leaving forever and they were never going to see each other again. Her father was waiting for her in the corridor, and Mason had disappeared.

  “Right, let’s go then,” her father barked, seeing her emerging from the room.

  “Sophia,” shouted Vanessa, embracing her in a tight hug. Sophia swallowed her tears; she couldn’t break in front of her.

  “Call me please,” whispered Vanessa before Sophia left the apartment

  “There is Mason,” her father stated when a brand new Mercedes pulled up on the main street once they stepped outside. Sophia got inside.

  ‘Dad I am an adult now, you can’t do this!‘ she screamed through gritted teeth. Her father turned around narrowing his eyes.

  ‘You are not wasting your life! Not here‘ he pressed.

  ‘At least take me to him, let me explain‘

  Her father laughed and shook his head.

  ‘You won’t see him again, just forget that you have ever met him’

  ***

  She didn’t even remember getting to the airport. She must have dozed off because her father’s voice woke her up. They had half an hour until departure. She kept whispering to herself that this wasn’t really happening, until people started to turn around to look at her. Mason pushed her, but she jerked away, feeling sick just looking at him. Her father went to deal with the tickets, leaving her alone with Mason. Anger radiated from her skin, and she cracked her knuckles menacingly, imagining his death.

  “Sophia.”

  She felt as though a volcano was pounding behind her eyes; hot rage burned in her veins when he called out her name.

  “Don’t you dare talk to me you scum,” she snarled.

  “I understand that you’re furious with me, but you need to understand that I didn’t know your father’s plans.”

  “You pretended all this time that you wanted me,” she bellowed. “I let you into my life and you used me and manipulated me, all because of the money.”

  “I was only doing my job at first. My boss called, ordering me to keep an eye on you. Then you came to that bar and I decided to talk to you.”

  “I don’t want to listen to this anymore!”

  “I didn’t plan to get close to you, Sophe, but you bewitched me. I didn’t want to carry on with the orders. I didn’t know that it was your father that wanted me to keep an eye on you.”

  “You make me sick, Mason. I wish that I would never met you in that bar. I wish you were dead,” she whispered. Mason’s face contracted with disappointment, and he ran his hand through his dark hair, looking at her with desperation.

  “I understand why you are saying these things, but if you hadn’t broken up with me for him things would have been different. I was angry, so I called my boss and told him that you’d started seeing that criminal. If I would have known then ...”

  His voice rang in her mind. She rushed to him and slapped him. Her hand burned, but the soaring sensation in her stomach didn’t disappear.

  “You are dead to me, Mason. I hate you!”

  She started to walk away but he was still talking.

  “You are special Sophia, and I have fallen for you. I can’t take what I’ve done back. I just want you to know that.”

  When she turned around, the tears were streaming down her cheeks. Maybe there was still a chance. Maybe Mason wasn’t bad after all.

  “Then destroy those pictures, Mason. Please, I am begging you. If you love me then do one decent thing and get rid of those pictures.”

  Mason drew a breath and his sorrow-filled gaze lingered on her face. Sophia searched his eyes and she waited, not breathing.

  “If I get rid of the pictures, will you give me another chance?” he asked in a husky whisper. Sophia’s cheek itched with heat, she wanted to gain some distance. Uneasiness whipped through her and she stepped forward.

  “I am in love with Harry, and this would never work between us,” she exhaled. She couldn’t pretend that there was something between them. Mason watched her for a long moment, then he shook his head and walked away as her father approached. She knew that Mason wasn’t going to do anything for her; he might love her, but he wasn’t going to let her be happy with someone else. She was going home and no one was going to stop her father.

  Chapter Thirty Seven

  Harry arrived at Sophia’s apartment in a good mood. His mother enjoyed herself last night and Aunt Claire was going to visit her more and help Harry out with her care. Caroline called him this morning and ordered him to speak to Sophia about how he felt about her. Their conversation was short but intense. Caroline was always straight to the point and she adored Sophia.

  Harry smiled standing in front of Vanessa’s door thinking about tonight. He was planning to take Sophia out for dinner and then bring her back to the hotel. He wanted to tell her how much he was in love with her weeks ago but he was scared, and today he knew that he didn’t want to wait any longer.

  “Are you all right? You look a bit pale,” muttered Harry walking through the door as Vanessa opened it.

  “Harry, I need to tell you something,” Vanessa said, standing by him.

  “Is she in the bedroom?” he asked.

  “No, she isn’t here.”

  Harry didn’t get what she was saying, but he noticed her eyes were red.

  “What do you mean she isn’t here, did she go out to get something?”

  “Harry, listen to me. Sophia’s father arrived a few hours ago. Something happened and she told me that she had to go back home with him. She asked me to give you this.”

  Harry was staring at Vanessa, only partly comprehending what she was saying. He looked at the envelope that she was holding. He took it and peered inside.

  “What the hell is this?” he asked, feeling a cold sweat run through his body.

  “She said that it’s money for your mother’s operation and I had to give it to you. She was really upset, Harry, but she didn’t want to tell me anything. She kept saying that she had to go,” Vanessa mumbled with a breaking voice, pacing around the room.

  “Where is she?” he whispered.

  “Her father took her away to London. Her plane left an hour ago.”

  Harry paced around the room, feeling like his head was about to explode. Sophia wouldn’t just leave him without talking to him first.

  “Talk me through exactly what happened when I left her this morning,” Harry demanded, shouting.

  Vanessa sucked the corner of her mouth and wiped her streaming eyes.

  “Her father knocked on the door and she went to get it. He was with Mason, that guy that she briefly dated—”.

  “Hold on. Mason, that dark haired prick, what the hell he was doing up here?”

  “Mate, just let her finish,” Tim said, stepping towards Vanessa.

  “I didn’t understand this either, but her father asked us to leave. Then I went to her room and she was already packing. She said that her father was making her go back, and if she didn’t obey something bad was going to happen. Then she gave me the money and begged me to give it to you.”

  “Let me call her, she’s bound to pick up. Maybe this is whole thing is a huge misunderstanding,” roared Harry, slowly losing control as he pulled out his phone.

  “Harry, she must have dropped her phone or something because I found it on the floor in her room. The screen was smashed.”

  Harry bellowed with anger and tossed his mobile on the floor, crushing it to pieces. He didn
’t understand anything. Sophia wouldn’t just leave. Something must have happened.

  “Call her at home in London, talk to her mother. I need to know what is going on,” he demanded.

  Vanessa glanced at Timothy with desperation and swallowed hard.

  “I haven’t got her other number; this is the only one that she used. Oh, Harry, I have a bad feeling about this. Her father has a lot of money, and she kept telling me that her parents never wanted her to come here.”

  “What about email or Facebook? There must be a way that I can’t get through to her for fuck’s sake,” he shouted, clenching his fists. “I don’t like that this other guy was here. Did she not try to pass any message to me?”

  “I am sorry, Harry, but no she didn’t.”

  His heart ached for her, and panic filled his stomach. Sophia never behaved that way, she would have called him if she was in trouble. She wouldn’t just leave her job without giving notice. He thought that this wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t leave her this morning. Now she was gone. Harry felt painful tendrils of fear burrowing through his stomach. He was afraid that he lost her.

  ***

  Sophia tried to talk to her father on the way home, but he didn’t want to listen. His decision was final and nothing was going to make him change his mind. Sophia couldn’t disobey; she had to do whatever her father wanted, otherwise Harry’s life was in danger. She couldn’t let Harry go back to prison; she couldn’t let his mother suffer because of what she felt for her son.

  Her skin itched for his touch and the warmth of his body. She couldn’t imagine seeing Harry when he finally realised that she was gone forever. Mason was going back to London with her father. She stopped acknowledging him, imagining that he wasn’t sitting behind her.

  A few hours later, when Sophia got out of the car in gloomy, rainy weather, reality hit her like an avalanche of snow. She was back in London, back to her miserable life. The rain was pouring from the sky and she hoped that she could just fade away. Her street looked daunting, and the anxiety crumbled through her, crushing down the life that was left inside of her. Michelle had run to her when she stepped through the door, hugging her tightly. Her father was still talking to Mason in the car.

  “Sophia, darling, I am so glad that you are back. I missed you,” cried her mother.

  “Did you send Dad to bring me back from Belfast? Did you know about the pictures?” She pulled away, gazing into her mother’s eyes and searching for understanding, but there was none.

  “We were both concerned about your safety, darling. This romance was just a summer fling. Soon you will forget about him.”

  Sophia tensed every muscle in her body and clenched her fists, stepping away from her mother.

  “I can’t believe that you let him ruin my life like this. I truly despise both of you,” she hissed and ran into the house, not looking back. Maybe she was pushing it further than she should, but she was unhappy and disappointed. Everyone betrayed her. Her parent’s minds were poisoned with over exaggerated ambition. They couldn’t tell their friends that Sophia was going out with a deprived member of society, with her offender that she was supposed to work with.

  That night Sophia couldn’t sleep; she received at least ten emails from Harry and Vanessa. She didn’t even say that she was leaving her job. She let down the agency and Susan. She was going to call in the morning and explain herself. She was supposed to stay in work for another two weeks. For the first time in years she heard her parents screaming at each other. She could hear them quite clearly. Obviously her mother was blaming her father that Sophia didn’t want to talk to her, that she hated them. Their arguments went on for hours, but Sophia didn’t listen. She switched on the TV and increased the volume, blocking out the voices that she couldn’t stand. She hated her life and her parents, thinking that they were manipulative liars. People that apparently wanted the best for her.

  ***

  Soon the empty days turned into weeks. The time slowed down for Sophia, and the hole in her heart grew wider and deeper. Her new life was suffocating her. Every day was filled with tears, screams, and more pain. Nothing about it was beautiful, the dull pain radiated from her fingertips. A sharp ache hung inside of her chest at all times. She didn’t want to think that she was going back to University soon. Since her return she hadn’t spoken to her father, avoiding him like a fire. She was glad that he was spending a lot of time in his office, coming home late. Jarring pain got into her bones, tearing everything apart, wiping away every good memory of him. Sophia had been thinking about Harry nonstop. She got up, read, slept, and ate. Michelle knocked on the door to her room many times, but Sophia refused to talk to her. Then they screamed and arguments filled the room until Michelle left her alone again. Ramona was still away, travelling around Europe with some friends. She explained to Vanessa in emails what had happened back in Belfast. She couldn’t mention the pictures but she said that her father made her stay away from Harry and if she at all tried to contact him, he could end up back in prison. Her friend wanted to know more but she refused to be specific.

  She never believed that she could ever love anyone like Harry, every nerve in her body needed him back, and every inch of her became painfully aware that he wasn’t with her. She kept her promise to him that she wouldn’t hurt herself anymore. She didn’t have to worry about panic attacks and anxiety; the pain replaced her demons, shutting her body off, scalding away his scent and touch, pouring the gloom into her soul.

  This continued until the day before she was supposed to start her classes again. In the past week she left the house more often, walking through the streets without any sense of direction. That morning she woke up with a rumbling stomach. She put her dressing robe and left her room. She was hoping that her mother had already left, so she wouldn’t have to deal with her, but she froze once she reached the kitchen.

  “Sophia, hun, do you want breakfast. I can make you scrambled eggs?” asked Michelle, appearing from the porch. Sophia’s stomach tightened and her pulse increased. She’d made her breakfast only a few times, because she was always too busy with her business. Sophia learnt to look after herself from a young age. This didn’t matter anymore because Sophia didn’t want to be in the same room with her mother. She took part in her father’s master plan, and Sophia refused to forgive her.

  “I don’t want anything from you,” replied Sophia, putting the kettle on. She didn’t have to look at Michelle; the air in the kitchen shifted. She expected her mother to begin yet another argument, but Michelle was silent, watching her carefully.

  “You are scaring me, Sophe, I don’t want to see you unhappy. We just wanted the best for you,” she sighed. “You couldn’t possibly think that you had any future with that criminal, did you?”

  “You know nothing about him,” Sophia replied quietly, pressing her hands to the table as her fists went white. “You are incapable of loving, Mother. You would never understand how much I love him!”

  “Sophe, it was for your own good. I might not agree with your father’s method, but ...”

  “You still don’t get it, do you? He is the love of my life. You both ruined everything and I will never forgive you!”

  She turned around and darted her eyes at Michelle. Anger pushed the nausea down into her stomach, and she rushed away from the kitchen. Her parents still didn’t get it and her mother pretended that everything was all right. She smashed her fist into a wall and her tears began to fall. She missed him so much that her body was burning, the fire erupting through her skin. She couldn’t stand a minute away from him.

  She should have told him how much she loved him the second when she realised it. She wasted so much time being with him but never telling him what was going on inside her heart. She wiped away her tears, staring at the world outside the window. She was going to lose her mind if that pain in her heart didn’t ease. There was nothing left, just the darkness and despair.

  Chapter Thirty Eight

  Sophia had no idea wh
at was going on in Belfast, but Ramona was back to the city and she desperately needed to see her. Her relationship with her mother didn’t recover, it became worse. Yesterday she refused to have dinner with her and they were at each other’s throats once again. After that day Sophia refused to cry; she didn’t have any more tears. She went back to University, losing herself with books and coursework.

  After she was done with classes for the day, she headed straight to Ramona’s house. She hadn’t spoken to her since her departure from Belfast. Ramona was supposed to fly back to London after she visited Sophia, but her plans changed. She ended up going away to Europe with a few friends. Sophia was used to that; Ramona always did what she wanted. Her cousin lived in the wealthy part of the city, still with her parents, although she could have moved out long ago. Sophia passed through the gate and headed towards her house. Her aunt was already waiting for her at the door.