Only a Breath Apart

by Katie McGarry

  “I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I’ve decided to visit these places.”

  A wave of shock rumbles through me, and I sit up in order to look straight at him. “Does this mean you’re selling your land?”

  Jesse twirls a lock of my hair around his finger then lets it unwind. “I don’t know. Marshall and I have talked a lot, and he’s told me that he’s going to leave the decision of what to do with my land up to me.”

  Happiness swirls though me as this is the news Jesse has been waiting for, but then I pause at the confusion in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

  “I love my land,” Jesse says. “But how do I know if I truly want my land until I experience what else is out there?”

  My mouth tips up. “You’re planning an adventure.”

  He nods, but he doesn’t look as excited as I thought he would. “Marshall’s going to sell a handful of acres in the southern property. It’s too wooded for me to clear without heavy equipment. The money we’ll get is going to be enough for me to purchase a truck that can withstand some miles, and if I’m smart, the money will also be enough to get me to each of those stars on your map.”

  “This sounds great, so why do you look unhappy?”

  Jesse glances down and my stomach sinks when he looks back up at me. “I’m leaving next week.”

  I twitch as I grow cold. “You’re what?”

  “Leaving next week.”

  I open my mouth to speak, but it’s difficult to make words come out. “You … you can’t. We have school.”

  “You have school. Preparing for Gran’s death, I completed most of my courses this past summer. I picked up the straggling few credits this fall. They gave me my diploma during the last week of school.”

  My forehead furrows as I try to force sanity into the situation. “So you’re leaving?”

  “I’m not leaving you.” He goes to touch me, but I draw back. My heart hurts, my soul hurts, everything hurts and I’m done with hurt. Because of my dad, I’ve been ingrained with hurt. And things were starting to be good.

  “I’m leaving for however long it takes me to figure myself out.”

  “So, what?” Tears burn my eyes. “I sit here and wait for you to return?”

  “I don’t expect you to sit and wait on anything. In fact, I expect you to keep being the force of nature that you are.”

  I suck in my lower lip as it begins to tremble. “It feels like you’re leaving me.”

  “I’m not. I love you.”

  I have to take several deep breaths to fight off the rejection yet I lose the battle.

  “Do you remember when you first started talking emancipation, and I asked you to move in with me?” Jesse asks.

  A bit of anger joins the sadness because I have an idea where this is headed, and I don’t like my words being used against me. “I remember.”

  I told him that I needed to prove to myself, to my mom and sister that I could leave and succeed on my own. What sucks is that when I rejected his offer, Jesse didn’t bat an eyelash. Unlike me now, on the verge of becoming a crying mess.

  “You told me that you need to live on your own, and I understand that,” Jesse says. “My entire life, I’ve been scared of anything beyond my land. I need to prove to myself that I can leave and that I’m not my mom. I need to know that if I choose my land it isn’t because I’m scared, but because my land is where I truly need to be. I understand that you need to do this on your own, and I hope you understand that I need to leave.”

  But he’s leaving, and I hate that and I hate him because every word he’s said makes complete sense. My eyesight becomes blurry. “Wait for this summer and let me go with you.”

  Jesse tries to tuck my hair behind my ear, and I reject his touch again. “Is that what you want, Scarlett? To give up what you’re building on your own—your job with Glory, this apartment, your hope of college, your independence—to travel with me?”

  Everything in my chest twists and knots. One month. That’s how long my mother lasted without my father. That was her limit on being alone.

  Alone.

  My eyes close with the dull spasm in my heart, and when I open them again I have to blink away the wetness. Jesse reaches out to cup my face again, and this time, I let him. I lean into his warm palm and a traitorous tear escapes from the corner of my eyes. His thumb is heartbreakingly gentle as he wipes it away.

  “Truth is, I’ll wait until this summer if that’s what you want,” Jesse says. “I don’t want to be without you, but I’ve defined myself by the curse and this land my entire life. I don’t know who I am without it, and I need to leave and figure that out. I don’t want to be without you, and I don’t want to leave you alone, but I need to decide by May if I’m keeping or selling this land. I’m losing money on the farm with how it’s being managed now. I need to grow up and make big decisions, and I’d like to know who I am first before I make them.”

  “You’d wait and let me come if I pressed, wouldn’t you?” I ask.

  He sadly nods.

  “But you need to go now and…” I trail off because the pain slashing through me causes me to wince, but I understand what he needs because I need it, too. “You need to be alone.”

  “Yes. I also hope you’ll understand that I don’t want to shut you out, but I do want to take some time before I call. I’m scared the moment I hear your voice, I’ll run home. I also need to know that the choices I end up making are my choices and my choices alone.”

  Just like the emancipation and living alone in this apartment were my choice.

  “For us to have forever,” he continues, “I need to know who I am first. Staying here without that knowledge isn’t fair to me or you.”

  “I’m scared.” The truth is so raw, so exposing that I feel as if I’m standing stark naked in a snowstorm. I shiver, and he rubs his hands up and down my arms.

  “Of what?” he asks.

  My stomach clenches, but I need to be honest with Jesse and myself. “Of being alone.”

  I almost wish I could take back the words, but he doesn’t want me to hide what I feel, and I no longer want to be the girl who buries her emotions.

  “What’s your worst fear?” he asks.

  I close my eyes as my throat swells shut. I’m terrified if I’m alone I’ll return home. That I’ll believe that living in fear of my father is better than living alone with my own thoughts. “I’m terrified I’m not strong enough.”

  “You are the strongest person I know. If I thought for one second you couldn’t do this, I wouldn’t leave. You’ve made me realize that if I’m going to be worthy of you that I have to be just as brave as you are. You inspire me, and I hope to God you’ll understand that I’m doing this for me and for you. I’m doing this for us.”

  For us. The words are so soothing yet create an enormous anguish. He loves me and he’s leaving, and I love him and I need to let him go. “I understand.”

  Jesse releases a long breath and lowers his forehead to mine. “I love you, Scarlett. We’ve been connected for as long as I can remember, and I want more than a connection. I want us to make it to forever.”

  Me, too. I press my lips to his and the taste is salty from tears. “You’re leaving next week?”

  “Yes,” he confirms.

  Then I have a few more days with him that I’m going to live to the fullest.

  Subject: You didn’t say anything about email

  From: Scarlett

  To: Jesse

  Jesse,

  Yes, this is a loophole in the no communication agreement, but I figure the odds of you checking your email is zero. I mean, besides for schoolwork and business, who uses email anymore?

  It’s been three weeks, and overall, I’ve been doing okay, but tonight, I’m lonely. A snowstorm has blown in. School has been cancelled for two days, and the storm has shut down practically everything else. Two days. Two days of staring at the four walls of my apartment and only myself for company. I’ll be honest, I’m sta
rting to feel a little insane.

  It’s weird that you sold some of the land. I went by the other day, and they’ve taken down some of the trees. I understand why you sold it, and I’m glad you did so you can take this trip, but it’s still bizarre to know that a small parcel of your land belongs to someone else.

  I’ve been getting your postcards from the places you’ve been visiting. Won’t lie, they have been the highlight of my life. Just to see your handwriting puts a smile on my face. I’ve started taping the postcards on my wall. It’s my own personal countdown. The more I receive, the closer you’ll be to returning to me.

  I know I was a bit stubborn about taking your old truck, but I do appreciate it. The car insurance is going to be more than I expected. Glory agreed with your assessment that the truck isn’t worth much, but it means the world to me and someday I will repay you. Glory and Marshall have been teaching me to drive. Only a few more months until I graduate to an actual license.

  Leo, Nazareth and V still hang out with me. I thought they put up with me because of you. I need to start shifting my mind-set from negative to positive. After seventeen years of being like this, I wonder how long it will take to switch speeds.

  I miss you so much it hurts, but don’t you dare think of coming home. Keep going. When you come back, I want it to be forever, as well.

  I love you,

  Scarlett

  Subject: Thank You!!

  From: Scarlett

  To: Jesse

  Jesse,

  I received the red roses, and I LOVE them! And YES! I will definitely check on your home and your land. I have a hard time believing checking in on the land is as much work as you say it is, but it’ll give me a good excuse to walk your property.

  Not that I want to discourage this, but sending me flowers because I sent you an email is setting up a dangerous precedent. ☺

  I love you,

  Tink

  Subject: I noticed the Tink

  From: Jesse

  To: Scarlett

  Seeing you sign your email with Tink made me smile. Weird to admit, but I laid in bed last night and stared at Tink for a while.

  Texas is huge. I put my feet in the Gulf of Mexico today. It made me think of how when we were kids, we used to talk about playing in the Pacific Ocean. I miss you, too. Every second of every day.

  I’ve attached a list of things that need to be looked after on the land. Marshall has enough on his plate and doesn’t need to be heading out there every couple of days. If you can do this for me, I’ll consider it payment for the truck. Let Marshall know if there is anything that needs to be taken care of.

  You know how much this lands means to me, Tink, and there isn’t anyone else I trust it with other than you.

  I love you more,

  Jesse

  Subject: Rough Night

  From: Jesse

  To: Scarlett

  Scarlett,

  I know I’m breaking my own rules, but I’ve convinced myself that email doesn’t count.

  Tonight’s been rough. I fell asleep, dreamed of Mom and how I couldn’t save her and then my mom turned into you. I woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that it was some type of omen that something happened to you.

  Please let me know you’re okay.

  I love you,

  Jesse

  Subject: I’m okay and you have kittens!!!

  From: Scarlett

  To: Jesse

  One of the barn cats you saved years ago had kittens! They are so freaking adorable I can hardly stand it. Don’t worry, I brought the mom and kittens to my apartment. This is totally to help them and not because I’m lonely. ☺ Don’t judge.

  Camila is talking to me again. She stopped by today and we cried for a few hours. I told her everything that happened between me and Dad. We’re friends again, and I hope it stays that way.

  Wish me luck. I’m going to read palms at the next vendor fair. We’ll be offering my services at half the price of Glory’s, and she’s going to sit in on them to make sure I don’t screw up. I still don’t believe I have an “ability,” but it is weird how there are things you can learn about people by staring at their palm.

  V let me read her palm, and we had a long talk. I know her secret now, how much physical pain she’s in and what you’ve done to help her through the years. V misses you. So do Leo and Nazareth.

  By the way, V’s claimed a kitten.

  The “Oklahoma is OK” shirt made me laugh.

  Guess who received A’s and B’s on her report card while working a full-time job? This girl!!!!

  The mean world who said I’d fail: 0

  Scarlett, the girl determined to prove she can do it: 1

  ☺

  Stay safe and I love you,

  Scarlett

  SCARLETT

  I don’t think I’ve ever been so giddy-nervous in my life. I can’t sit still. I pace my tiny apartment while flipping my cell in my hands. It’s April and beyond emails, it’s been months since I’ve talked to Jesse. Last night he emailed he was going to call. Tonight. Eight P.M. Eastern Standard Time. So much happiness surges through me that I could fly, but then there’s this nausea—nerves.

  Two months ago, Jesse made it to Southern California. He was eating dinner at a diner and an older man who was also sitting alone started a conversation. The man owned a farm, said he needed help, and Jesse told him he’d like the job. Since then, Jesse’s lived in one of those weekly rent motels, and he’s emailed several times to tell me all he’s learned. Stuff he didn’t know about farming, tricks of the trade, and of the gentle patience of this man’s teaching.

  I’ve been equal parts happy for Jesse for the experience and fearful, wondering if he would choose to stay in California over coming home, but then my stomach drops. It’s not like I’m going to be here much longer myself. I found out last week that I can move in early to the dorms, which means, after graduation, I’ll be leaving town.

  Jesse was happy for me, and I’m happy for me, too, but will our paths ever cross again?

  Seven fifty-nine and my mouth dries out and my extremities tingle. What if he forgets? What if he doesn’t call? What if my cell is on silent and he did call and I missed it? I check my cell, the volume’s up, and as I breathe out in relief, my cell rings.

  I place the phone to my ear. “Jesse?”

  “What’s going on, Tink?”

  I smile as my eyes become wet. God, he sounds incredibly good. “How are you?”

  “Good,” he says. “For the first time in my life, I’m sitting on the beach at the Pacific Ocean, and this was a moment I had to spend with you.”

  I think of our names written in second-grade script on the map in his room. I walk over to my bed, stand on it and press my hand to California. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too.” His voice goes deep and the sincerity in it is the equivalent of a hug.

  “How has it been?” I ask. “How is the farm and the trip and did you end up figuring out what was wrong with the strawberries?”

  Jesse chuckles and the sound is the best caress in the world. “Still figuring out the strawberries; the farm is fine and as for the trip, why don’t you take a look for yourself?”

  There’s a ping, and I pull down my cell to find a text waiting. I open it, and see a picture of Jesse’s palms. I switch Jesse to speaker then enlarge the photo. All the air rushes out of my lungs, and I place a hand to my chest. The lines on his right palm have changed. “You know your way.”

  “There were a lot of long, restless nights battling some demons. I lost a few rounds, but I won some, too. I know what I want now. I know who I am. I’m going to stay out here for another month or so to help with some things, but then I’m coming home, Tink. I’m coming home to you.”

  “What about your land?” I’m nervous asking. He loves his land, so do I, but Jesse needs to do what is best for him.

  “I’ve learned a lot by working the farm out here and one of those things is how to work wi
th the local extension office, government agencies and grant funding. There are people who want to keep family farms alive, and that’s what I’ll be as compared to the corporate ones. It’ll be an uphill battle, but Marshall and I think this is one I can win. Be on the lookout for some action on the land, Tink. I’ve called in some favors, and the farmers I’ve helped out over the years are going to be doing the initial work. I’m putting in crops this year, and I’ll be buying some cattle once I get home. I’m going to be a real farmer.”

  Joy and sadness at the same time. The curse is broken. He left his land, he’s happy and he’s coming home to what he loves. And he’ll be coming home when I’m leaving.

  I take a deep breath and focus on the positive. That’s what Glory and Pastor Hughes have taught me to do. It’s what has kept me together when times get tough. Jesse and I will be okay. An hour away from each other will be nothing as compared to a continent away. “I’m so happy for you.”

  “Me, too.” He goes silent and then clears his throat. “I’m hoping you’ll still want me.”

  “I will.” Grateful, I close my eyes. “I will.”

  SCARLETT

  The bad part of taking in the kittens is that I kept one for myself and now I have to give Eloise up. Not give up as much as I have to allow Eloise to live with someone else until I have a proper home. Unfortunately, no matter who I talked to at the university, no one would allow Eloise to live with me in the dorms. People who work in college administration must be bitter, bitter people. Who doesn’t want a kitten?

  I place Eloise in the cat carrier Nazareth had salvaged from his family’s basement then take a look around my empty apartment. My few possessions are packed up and in the bed of the truck. Jesse’s map and postcards were placed lovingly into one of my few Tupperware containers, and will be one of the first things I unpack when I reach my dorm.

  Yesterday, Leo helped me return the twin bed to Jesse’s home, and my chest ached when I saw my father watching me from my childhood home. I was able to look back at him without anger, just pity.

  He lives there again, and has lived there for a while. I’m grateful my sister has a cell now. She has it with her at all times, and she texts me the moment my parents start to fight. I call her, and I won’t hang up until I know she’s safe.