by Hamel, B. B.
I pull her hair, kiss her over her shoulder, push her back down. I fuck her rough with her hair in my fist, growling, groaning. She gives me every inch, every single gorgeous inch. Her hips wiggle and she takes me deeper, slipping my cock nearly to the end of her.
I fuck her rough. I feel her breasts shaking under her sweatshirt, feel her pussy clench. I push her sweatshirt up and tease her breasts, making her groan as I pump my cock in and out. She kisses me, greedy little tongue in my mouth, and I push her back down.
I take her cunt, take her rough. I roar my pleasure and fuck her tight pussy, letting myself turn into an animal, letting the world disappear. There’s only Kim, her gorgeous body, her tight pussy wrapped around my cock like heaven.
I rip into her, take her hard, take her deep. She’s moaning and I know she’s getting close. I know she loves it when I take her body like this, take her hard and deep, give her every inch of my cock, make her beg for more.
“Go ahead and come for me,” I say. “Go ahead, I want to feel it. Come on my big, fat cock, you dirty girl. Come for me.”
“Oh, god, Erik,” she moans. She looks over her shoulder. “Oh my god. Keep going.”
I grab her hips and fuck her hard. I rip into her, long rough strokes, making every inch of her shake. She gasps and her back arches, her body tensing. I can feel her coming through her pussy. It clenches down, bears down tight on my cock. I moan and it feels so fucking good as she gasps and groans my name over and over.
I can’t help myself. I grab her hair and rip into her, fucking her through the orgasm. I can’t help myself and I feel it tingling on the edge of my awareness. I feel it and need it, need it so badly. I keep going, pushing deeper and deeper into her tight pussy, before I finally release.
I come deep inside of her. I fill her up, make her take every single drop. She moans and wiggles her hips and I pump myself into her. We kiss then and she turns to me, throwing her arms around my neck. We kiss for a long time and I hold her like that, tight against my body.
“That was some punishment,” she says, her cheeks flushed.
“Don’t think you need to act out to get that,” I say with a grin.
She giggles. “I think you’ll give me that whenever I ask nicely.”
“You don’t even need to ask all that nice. I think I’ll make you feel good either way.”
She laughs and bites my lip. I kiss her, hold her, wonder how I got here without her.
19
Kim
Monday morning comes and I wake up feeling sore. There’s this gorgeous ache between my legs where Erik had been buried all night long. After punishing me once, and leaving some nice bruises on my ass, he spent the rest of the evening making me feel good instead.
I smile and stretch. He’s asleep in the bed next to me. I think this is the first time I actually slept in the same bed as him all night long. I sit there for a second and try to remember ever sleeping in the same bed as someone else, and coming up blank.
No, that was definitely the first time.
Even with Mark, he always made me leave. Never wanted me to stay in the same room with him. Not that I’d let him touch me, never did let him, not a single time. But he wanted to, and when I refused enough, he always sent me away.
That was my life for a long time. Mark would have his fill of the women around me, then come begging. I’d have to fight him off until eventually he’d give in and throw me out. He never once forced me, which is almost surprising in retrospect. He easily could have.
Not that he’s a good guy. I think that’s just not his thing, forcing it on someone. If it were, I’m sure he would’ve done it to me.
But I got lucky. My cult leader wasn’t into taking women against their will. He was just into begging and pleading and emotionally manipulating, which I guess is slightly better than the alternative.
I get out of bed. I feel dirty. I head into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I clean myself off, trying to replace thoughts of Mark with thoughts of Erik. It doesn’t quite work until I hear the bathroom door open.
“Busy?” he asks.
I peek out from behind the curtain. “Aren’t you supposed to give your houseguests privacy?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Nope. Especially not when they look like you.”
I laugh as he tries to look in the shower. I wrap the curtain around myself and he grins, pulling it away, kissing me in the process.
We don’t get very far. I hear Annie calling for her dad and push him away.
“Go get your daughter,” I say.
He sighs dramatically. “She’ll be fine. I just need a few minutes.”
“Get out, you perv.”
He grins and heads out, shutting the door behind him. “Annie-bo-bannie!” I hear him call out before he slips into her room.
I smile to myself and finish showering. It’s strange how normal this has become. Living in this house with him, being with Annie and Erik. They’ve become a part of my life and I don’t know how it happened.
I towel off, brush my teeth, and head into my room. I get dressed and start down the steps, my hair still wet. I’m smiling and practically floating, still happy from the night before, still happy about the ache between my legs. I smell pancakes cooking in the kitchen and I can hear Annie’s chatter and Erik’s idle responses.
I linger in the hallway and listen. Annie’s talking about nothing, just saying the names of colors, and Erik’s encouraging her, asking her questions. “And what color is that?” he says.
“Blue!”
“And that?”
“Orange!”
“Close…”
“Pink!”
“There you go.”
They both laugh. I smile to myself. It’s an intimate moment and I can’t help but wonder if I really belong here at all. I’m not Annie’s mother, never will be. I can’t replace what they’ve lost. And I’m not sure that’s even something I want.
But I do know one thing. I know I love it here. I know it makes me happy every day to come down here and see that cute little girl and that gorgeous man.
There’s a knock at the door. It surprises me. I turn and walk to it without thinking. I hear Erik follow me into the hall.
“Kim—” he starts but I’m already opening the door.
My mom smiles at me. “Hi, sweetie. I thought we should talk.”
I stare at her, all happy feelings and good will completely destroyed. I hear Erik move closer to me.
“Go back to Annie,” I say to him. “I’m going out front.”
“You don’t have to,” he says.
“I know.” I turn back to my mother and push the door open. She steps back, letting me out. I close the inside door behind me before letting the storm door swing closed.
“Well,” she says, smiling at me. “You look good, honey. I’m sorry about the other day. I know you weren’t ready for that.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “What do you want, Mom?”
“Are you okay?” she asks. “You’re safe here, right? He’s not… hurting you? Or taking advantage of you?”
“Mom.” I stare at her. “I’m fine here. Except for you and Mark and the other two witches.”
She smiles a little. “I’m sorry about them. I really am. If it helps at all, I convinced Mark to let me deal with this.”
“What’s there to deal with?”
She hesitates a little, rolling her hair between her fingers. It’s a nervous gesture, one she’s made a thousand times. I’ve seen her do it over the years, but this is the first time it feels strange and foreign to me.
“Can we sit?” she asks.
I shrug and sit down on one of the big rocking chairs. She sits on the one next to me and folds a leg up underneath her.
“I’m not coming back,” I say.
“Honey—”
“No, Mom. Listen to me.” I stare right into her eyes. I need her to know that I mean this. “I’m not coming back. I’ve been thinking about it
, been thinking about it every single day since I left. I’m not coming back.”
“Kim, please.”
“No. I know you believe that I’ll never be whole or pure if I stay out in the world, but Balancogen isn’t all there is.”
“It’s helped me so much,” she says and I can hear the pain in her voice. “It gave me a life again.”
“I know you were hurting before it, but that’s just not me. I’m not hurting, Mom. I was hurting back there.”
She looks away, frowning. She stares out at the street.
“It’s odd, being so far from the commune,” she says. “I almost forgot what it was like to live out here. I think I really did, in a lot of ways.”
“I never even knew. Do you know who Brad and Angelina are?”
She laughs. “Movie stars. What does that have to do with anything?”
“Everyone knows that, Mom. But I don’t know it. Because I’ve been living in our own little world away from everything else. How am I supposed to be a person and make my own decisions? Isn’t that part of Balancogen too, making your own decisions as a free and rational being?”
“Yes, of course, but Kim, the world is ugly and wrong. There’s a reason we live out there alone.”
“I think we live out there before Mark can control us better if we’re away from society.”
Mom sighs and shakes her head. “I know Mark isn’t perfect.”
“He used to try to have sex with me. Did you know that? He’d bring me into his room and beg for hours.”
She bites her lip. “I know, honey. We all knew.”
“You let it happen.”
“What was I supposed to do?”
I stand up and step away from her. I cross my arms over my chest.
This whole time, I thought she didn’t know. I thought she just didn’t know what he was trying to do to me. Night after night, begging and pleading and pushing, making me fight him, making me cry and run. Night after night of torture. I thought, she couldn’t possibly know. She’s my mother, if she knew, she would step in and try to stop it.
But she knew. God, she knew.
I feel my whole world shaking.
“Mom,” I say. “You need to go.”
“What did you want me to do?” she asks again. “It’s Mark. He brought us the Word and the Truth. He may still be a man, but he’s beyond that, too.”
“No, he isn’t. He’s a liar and an asshole. You should’ve seen him when he came here and tried to bring me back. He was angry, Mom. I thought he might hurt me.”
She shakes her head. “He’s just misguided. Being out here, all this pollution and noise, it’s confusing him, he’s just—”
“Stop defending him,” I say. “I don’t understand.”
“You will.” She stands up. “He’s the one, Kim. You know that. We have to protect him and nurture him. You know that. He can bring us beyond this world and away from the shadow, he can bring us into salvation. Just believe in Balancogen, Kim. Just believe and do as he says.”
I stare at her. I can barely see my mother in there now. It’s like all the words in all those books Mark’s written over the years about Balancogen and everything else have replaced her personality. She’s like a puppet or a mask, just parroting back words. Her lips are moving, but she’s not speaking. He’s speaking through her mouth.
“This isn’t you,” I say.
“This has been me for a long time. It’s also you, and everyone. Come home, please.”
“No. Mark is an asshole.”
“Stop speaking like that about him.” She looks afraid now. Her eyes are wide, her breathing is fast. “Stop it, okay, Kim? He knows and he won’t let it pass. Please, I’m begging you.”
“He’s a liar. He used us, used all of us. Still uses all of you. But I’m done with that asshole. I’m done with it.”
“Kim!” she says, nearly shouting now. “Kim, you shut your mouth.”
“No, I won’t. I’m done with him. I’m done with you.”
“No, you aren’t. You’re coming home!” She’s yelling now, her eyes wild. “You’re coming home right now.”
“Get the hell out of here,” I say. “Get out of here! I won’t come back to that bastard. He’s a liar, Mom. He made it all up. It’s all a fucking lie!”
“You little shit!” She steps toward me. I hear the door open, hear Erik step outside. “You’re his wife, you little shit! He chose you and you said the words, you stupid little bitch. Come home right now, be his fucking vessel, save the world. You’re his fucking wife!”
I stare at her, heart pounding. She’s never spoken to me like that before. I don’t even know how to react when I hear Erik behind me. I turn to face him and he looks confused.
“Wife?” he asks.
“No,” I say. “I mean, yes, and no, it’s just—”
“She married him,” Mom says. “She married him when she was fifteen years old. She said the words. She’s his and she’ll never be yours. Let her go.”
Erik looks at me for a long moment before stepping around me and staring down my mom.
“Get off my porch,” he says.
“She’s a liar. You can’t keep her.”
“Get off my porch,” he says again. “I won’t ask nicely a third time.”
She stares, almost shaking with rage, but she turns away. She always turns and runs when it matters, I realize.
She gets off the steps, gets halfway down the sidewalk, and turns back.
“You’re damned,” she says. “But you’re still his.”
She turns and walks away. I sink back into a chair and stare down at the ground.
Erik sits next to me. We don’t talk for a little bit. I can hear Daniel Tiger playing on the TV inside. Annie must be watching it, totally transfixed. The TV’s turned up, probably to drown out my mom’s shouting.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Yeah. I don’t know. I guess.”
“That was hard.”
I nod once. I can’t look at him.
“You don’t have to talk,” he says, his voice gentle. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me. I’m just saying, you don’t owe me anything, okay? But I do want to know about you. I want to know how you are and what you were. And if you’re married, I want to know that, too.”
I look at him. He’s so handsome, so kind. He should hate me right now. I didn’t tell him about marrying Mark because I was embarrassed. I hate myself for it. I was fifteen years old and told that the savior of the world wanted to take me into his bed and make me his wife.
We never slept together because I was too afraid at first. And then I was too disgusted by everything. He didn’t force me, I think because we were married, but if we weren’t… well, I don’t know. Maybe he really wasn’t into that.
But I said the words. My mom’s right. I said the words and I married that man, and now he thinks he owns me. He came all the way here to bring me back because I’m his wife and he wants to bring me home.
Erik puts a hand on my knee. He squeezes it gently. “I’ll leave you here for now. You can come and talk whenever you’re ready.”
“Thank you.” I don’t look at him. I don’t think I can.
“Sure.”
He stands and leaves me on the porch. I close my eyes and when the tears come, I let them.
20
Erik
She stays outside for nearly an hour. I sit in the living room with Annie watching cartoons and trying not to let that conversation bother me too much.
But I can’t help myself. I keep coming back to what her mother said.
Married. She married that man Mark when she was fifteen.
Oh, fucking hell. What a goddamn mess. What a horrible thing to do to a teenage girl.
No part of me thinks any of that is her fault. I mean, how could it be? That guy was some kind of guru for her or some shit. He was the cult leader, still is the damn cult leader. A fifteen-year-old girl that was brought up in th
at mess would without a doubt be totally brainwashed at that point.
She probably thought it was the right thing to do. She probably had no clue that it’s fucked up to marry a fifteen-year-old.
Poor goddamn Kim. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. I want to find that fucking bastard Mark and make him pay for what he did to this girl. I want to make him pay for what he did to all of his followers.
Except they clearly don’t see it that way.
I caught some other bits of that conversation. I heard the belief in her mother’s voice again, so clear and intense. It almost scares me, hearing someone talk like that, like that man is truly a savor. Like that man can save the whole world.
I met him. He’s just some asshole.
But she believes. I bet Kim used to believe that, too.
No fucking wonder she married him. If the guy that’s supposed to save the world came up to me and said he wanted to marry me, I think I’d do it, and I’m not even into guys like that.
Kim comes in eventually. She lingers in the doorway of the living room and smiles at us.
“Daniel Tiger?” she asks.
“Tiger, tiger, tiger,” Annie responds.
She laughs a little. “Any pancakes left?”
I nod. “Cold now though.”
“That’s okay. I’m going to make more coffee. Want any?”
I shake my head. “No, that’s fine.”
“Okay.” She heads into the kitchen.
I let her go. I sit with Annie for a little bit more.
Finally though, I get up. I head into the kitchen. Kim’s sitting at the table, drinking coffee and staring out the window. Her little house is still back there, although it’s not really hers anymore. She’s paying for it, but she’s living with me now.
“Hey,” I say.
She doesn’t say anything back for a second. I almost think she didn’t hear me until she speaks.
