The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 1

by R. H. Newell

  When the presentation was finished, the colonel announced from hiscamp-bedstead that the rumor of a fight at Alexandria was all a hum,and ordered us back to our tents. We hadn't been to our tents for sucha long time, that some of us couldn't find them, and one of our boysactually wandered around until he found himself at home in New York.

  The Mackerel Brigade, my boy, had a great engagement yesterday, andcame very near repulsing the enemy. We were ordered to march forward inthree columns, until we came within five miles of the enemy, ColonelWobbles leading the first; Mr. Wobbles, the second; and Wobbles, thethird. In the advance our lines presented the shape of a clam-shell,but as we neared the point of danger, they gradually assumed more ofthe form of a cone, the rear-guard being several times as thick as theadvance guard. When within six miles of the seceshers, we planted ourbattery of four six pounders, and opened a horrible fire of shot andshell on the adjacent country. The seceshers replied with a hail ofcanister and shrapnell, and for eight hours the battle raged fearfully,but without hurting anybody, as the hostile forces were too far apartto reach each other with shot. Finally, Colonel Wobbles sent amessenger, by railroad, to ask the seceshers what they wanted, and theysaid they only wanted to be let alone. On receiving this reply, ColonelWobbles was much affected, and ordered us to march back to camp, whichwe did.

  This affair was really a great victory for the Union, my boy, and Icannot refrain from giving short biographical sketches of the leadersconcerned in it, commencing with

  COLONEL WOBBLES.

  This gallant officer, on whom the eyes of the whole world are now turned, was born at an exceedingly early age, in the place of his nativity. When but a mere boy, he evinced a fondness for the law, and his father, who was his mother's husband, placed him in the office of the late Daniel Webster. He practised law for some years, but failed to find any clients, and finally started a grocery store under Jackson's administration. At this time, Calhoun's peculiar views were agitating Christendom, and Mr. Wobbles married a daughter of the late John Thomas, by whom he had no children. When the war broke out in Mexico, he left the grocery business, and opened a liquor store on the estate of the late J. Smith, and accumulated sufficient money to send his family into the country. Colonel Wobbles is now about eighty-five years old.

  MR. WOBBLES.

  This heroic young officer, now attracting so much attention, drew his first breath among the peaceful scenes of home, from which the captious might have augured anything but a soldier's destiny for him. While yet very young, he was remarkable for his proficiency in making dirt-pies, and went to school with the sons of the late Mr. Jones. In 1846, he did not graduate at West Point; but when the war broke out between Mexico and the United States, he married a niece of the late Daniel Webster. It was also at this period of his eventful career that he first became a husband, and shortly after the birth of his eldest child, it was rumored that he had also become a father. He entered the present war as a military man. He is now but forty years old.

  WOBBLES.

  This noble patriot soldier, whose name is now a household word all over the world, was reared from infancy in the village of his birth, and took a prominent part in the meals of his family. While yet a youth, the Florida war broke out, and he attended the high-school of the late Mr. Brown. On arriving of age, he was just twenty-one years old, and was not a student at West Point. Shortly after this event, he married a cousin of the late Daniel Webster, and during the Mexican War he had one child, who still bears his father's name. Wobbles is now sixty years old.

  You will observe, my boy, that these noble officers have merited thecommissions of brigadier-generals, and if they don't get them they'llresign. Colonel Wobbles told me this morning, that if he resigned thearmy would all go to pieces. I believe him, my boy!--field pieces.

  Yours, biographically,

  ORPHEUS C. KERR.

  LETTER XIII.

  SUBMITTING VARIOUS RUMORS CONCERNING THE CONDITION OF THINGS AT THESOUTH, WITH A SKETCH OF A LIGHT SKELETON REGIMENT AND A NOTE OF VILLIAMBROWN'S RECRUITING EXPLOIT.

  WASHINGTON, D.C., September 20th, 1861.

  There is every indication that something is about to occur, which, whenit does transpire, my boy, will undoubtedly give rise to the rumor thata certain thing has happened. It was observed in military circlesyesterday, that General McClellan ordered a new pair of boots to beforwarded immediately from New York, and from this it is justlyinferred that the Chain Bridge will be attacked by the rebels in forcevery shortly.

  A gentleman who has just arrived from the South to purchase somepostage-stamps, states that the rebel army is in an awful condition,and will starve to death as soon as Beauregard gives the order. AtRichmond, ice-cream was selling for a hundred dollars a quart,gum-drops at sixty dollars an ounce, Brandreth's Pills at forty-twodollars and a half a box, Spaulding's Prepared Glue at twenty dollarsa pint, and Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup at four hundred dollars abottle. In consequence of the sudden approach of fall and the renewedstringency of the blockade, there are no strawberries to be had, andthe First Families are subsisting entirely upon persimmons. Shouldthe winter prove cold, the Southerners to a man will be compelled towear much thicker clothing, and it is anticipated that many of themwill take cold. _De lunatico inquirendo_ has broken out among therebel troops at Manassas Junction, in consequence of insufficientaccommodation, and the hospitals are so full of patients thatnumerous sufferers may be seen bulging out of the windows.

  The same gentleman thinks that Beauregard will be obliged to attackWashington at once, or resign his commission and go to the Dry Tortugaswith his whole army. They are called the _Dry_ Tortugas, my boy,because not a cocktail was ever known to be raised there.

  A perfectly reliable but respectable person arrived here yesterday fromParis, and brings highly important intelligence from North Carolina. Hehas been permitted to sleep with a gentleman formerly residing in thatState, and his report is credited by the Administration. Nearly all thepeople of North Carolina are devoted Union men at heart, and wouldgladly rally around the old flag, if it were not for the fact thatnearly all the rest of the people of the State are secessionists andwon't let them. In a town of 750 inhabitants, 748 and a half (one smallboy) are determined Unionists; but the remainder, who are brutaltraitors, have seized all the arms in the place, and threaten all whooppose them with instant death. At Raleigh, a mob consisting of threesecessionists, has seized the post-office and all the letters of marquefound in it. Marque has fled from the State. Since the victory ofHatteras Inlet, the Union men have taken courage, and say, that if theGovernment will send two hundred thousand men to their assistance, andseventy-five rifled cannon, they can expel their oppressors in a fewyears. These true patriots must be instantly assisted, or a decimatedand infuriated people will demand the expulsion of the entire Cabinet,and an entirely new issue of contracts for shoddy. In the interior ofNorth Carolina there has been a rising of slaves. In fact, they riseevery morning very early. From this the _Tribune_ report of a negroinsurrection originated.

  I formed a new acquaintance the other day, my boy, in the shape of theCalcium Light Regiment, which is now ready to receive a few morerecruits. The Calcium Light Regiment was born in Boston, near BunkerHill Monument, and is now about sixty-five years old. He has becomegreatly demoralized from going without his rations for some days past,and is what may be called a skeleton regiment. He says that if he goeswithout them much longer, he'll soon be as light as a 12-inch comet,and won't need much calcium to blind the enemy to his presence. He's_very_ light, my boy, and his features are so sharp that he might beused to spike a cannon with. The Calcium Light Regiment was recruitedat great expense in New York, and went into camp on Riker's Island,until Secretary Cameron ordered his colonel to bring him on immediatelyfor the defence of Washington. The regiment has three officers, andwill elect the others as soon as his voice is strong enough. He saysthat h
e is a regiment of 1,000 men; he says that 1,000 is simply thefigure 1 and three ciphers, and that he represents the 1, and his threeofficers the three ciphers.

  I believe him, my boy!

  Villiam Brown, of Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, asked his colonel lastweek for leave to go to New York on recruiting service, and got it. Hecame back to-day, and says the colonel to him:

  "Where's your recruits?"

  Villiam smiled sweetly, and remarked that he didn't see it.

  "Why, you went to New York on recruiting service, didn't you?"exclaimed the colonel.

  "Yes," says Villiam, "I went to recruit my health."

  The colonel immediately administered the Oath to him. The Oath, my boy,tastes well with lemon in it.

  The women of America, my boy, are noble creatures, and do not forgetthe brave soldiers of the Union. They have just sent the MackerelBrigade a case of umbrellas, and we expect a gross of hair-pins by thenext train.

  Yours, meditatively,

  ORPHEUS C. KERR.

  LETTER XIV.

  SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT MADE A SPEECH OF VAGUE CONTINUITY, AFTERTHE MODEL OF THE LATEST APPROVED STUMP ORATORY.

  WASHINGTON, D.C., September 30th, 1861.

  Another week has fled swiftly by, my boy, on those wings which poetsand other long-haired creatures suppose to be eternally flappingthrough the imaginary atmosphere of time; yet the high old battle solong expected has not got any further than "heavy firing near the ChainBridge," which takes place every afternoon punctually at threeo'clock--just in time for the evening papers. I have been thinking, myboy, that if this heavy firing in the vicinity of Chain Bridge lasts afew years longer, it will finally become a nuisance to the FirstFamilies living in that vicinity. But sometimes what is thought to beheavy firing is not that exactly; the other day, a series of loudexplosions were heard on Arlington Heights, and twenty-four reportersimmediately telegraphed to twenty-four papers that five hundredthousand rebels had attacked our lines with two thousand rifled cannon,and had been repulsed with a loss of fourteen thousand killed. Federalloss--one killed, and two committed suicide. But when General McClellancame to inquire into the cause of the explosions, this report wassomewhat modified:

  "What was that firing for?" he asked an orderly, who had just come overthe river.

  "If you please, sir," responded the sagacious animal, "there was nofiring at all. It was Villiam Brown, of Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade,which has a horrible cold, and sneezes in that way."

  Villiam has since been ordered to telegraph to the War Departmentwhenever he sneezes, so that no more of these harrowing mistakes may bemade.

  Last night, my boy, an old rooster from Cattaraugus, who wants aone-horse post-office, and thinks I've got some influence with Abe theVenerable, brought six big Dutchmen to serenade me; and, as soon Iopened the window to damn them, he called unanimously for a speech. Atthis time, my boy, an immense crowd, consisting of two policemen and ahackman, were drawn to the spot, and greeted me with great applause.Feeling that their intentions were honorable, I could not bear todisappoint my fellow-citizens, and so I was constrained to make thefollowing

  SPEECH.

  _Men of America_:--It is with feelings akin to emotion that I regard this vast assemblage of Nature's noblemen, and reflect that it comes to do honor to me, who have only performed my duty. Gentlemen, my heart is full; as the poet says:

  "The night shall be filled with burglars, And the chaps that infest the day Shall pack up their duds like peddlers, And carry the spoons away."

  It seems scarcely five minutes ago that this vast and otherwise large country sprung from chaos at the call of Columbus, and immediately commenced to produce wooden nutmegs for a foreign shore. It seems but three seconds ago that all this beautiful scene was a savage wild, and echoed the axe-falls of the sanguinary pioneer, and the footfalls of the Last of the Mohicans. Now what do I see before me? A numerous assembly of respectable Dutchmen, and other Americans, all ready to prove to the world that

  "Truth crushed to earth shall rise again, The immortal ears of jack are hers; But Sarah languishes in pain And dyes, amid her worshipers."

  I am convinced, fellow-citizens, that the present outrageous war is no ordinary row, and that it cannot be brought to a successful termination without some action on the part of the Government. If to believe that a war cannot rage without being prosecuted, is abolitionism, then I am an abolitionist; if to believe that a good article of black ink can be made out of black men, is republicanism, then I am a republican; but we are all brothers now, except that fat Dutchman, who has gone to sleep on his drum, and I pronounce him an accursed secessionist:

  "How doth the little busy bee Improve each shining hour, And gathers beeswax all the day, From every opening flower."

  Men of America, shall these things longer be?--I address myself particularly to that artist with the accordeon, who don't understand a word of English--shall these things longer be? That's what I want to know. The majestic shade of Washington listens for an answer, and I intend to send it by mail as soon as I receive it. Fellow citizens, it can no longer be denied that there is treason at our very hearthstones. Treason--merciful Heavens!

  "Come rest in this bosom, my own little dear, The Honourable R. M. T. Hunter is here; I know not, I care not, if jilt's in that heart, I but know that I love thee, whatever thou art."

  And now the question arises, is Morrill's tariff really a benefit to the country? Gentlemen, it would be unbecoming in me to answer this question, and you would be incapable of understanding what I might say on the subject. The present is no time to think about tariffs: our glorious country is in danger, and there is a tax of three per cent on all incomes over eight hundred dollars. Let each man ask himself in Dutch: "Am I prepared to shoulder my musket if I am drafted, or to procure a reprobate to take my place?" In other words:

  "The minstrel returned from the war, With insects at large in his hair, And having a tuneful catarrh, He sung through his nose to his fair."

  Therefore, it is simply useless to talk reason to those traitors, who forget the words of Jackson--words, let me add, which I myself do not remember. Animated by an unholy lust for arsenals, rifled cannon, and mints, and driven to desperation by the thought that Everett is preparing a new Oration on Washington, and Morris a new song on a young woman living up the Hudson River, they are overturning the altars of their country and issuing treasury bonds, which cannot be justly called objects of interest. What words can express the horrors of such unnatural crime?

  "Oft in the chilly night, When slumber's chains have bound me, Soft Mary brings a light, And puts a shawl around me."

  Such, fellow-citizens, is the condition of our unhappy country at present, and as soon as it gets any better I will let you know. An Indian once asked a white man for a drink of whisky. "No!" said the man, "you red skins are just ignorant enough to ruin yourselves with liquor." The sachem looked calmly into the eyes of the insulter, as he retorted: "You say I am ignorant. How can that be when I am a well-red man?"

  And so it is, fellow-citizens, with this Union at present, though I am not able to show exactly where the parallel is. Therefore,

  "Let us then be up and wooing, With a heart for any mate, Still proposing, still pursuing, Learn to court her, and to wait."

  At the conclusion of this unassuming speech, my boy, I was waited uponby a young man, who asked me if I did not want to purchase some poetry;he had several yards to sell, and warranted it to wash.

  Yours, particularly,

  ORPHEUS C. KERR.

  LETTER XV.

  WHEREIN WILL BE FOUND THE PARTICULARS OF A VISIT TO A SUS
PECTEDNEWSPAPER OFFICE, AND SO ON.

  WASHINGTON, D.C., October 2d, 1861.

  This is a time, my boy, when it is the duty of every American citizento make himself into a committee of safety, for the good of therepublic, and make traitors smell the particular thunder of nationalvengeance. The eagle, my boy, has spread his sanguinary wings for adescent upon the bantams of secession; and if we permit his sublimepinions to be burthened with the shackles of domestic sedition, we areguilty of that which we do, and are otherwise liable to the charge ofcommitting that which we perform. These thoughts came to me yesterday,after I had taken the Oath six times, and so overpowered me that Iagain took the Oath, with a straw in it. Just then it struck me thatthe _Daily Union_, published near Alexandria, ought to be suppressedfor its treason; and I immediately started for the office, with anintention to offer personal violence to the editor. I found himexamining a cigar through the bottom of a tumbler, whilst on the deskbeside him lay the first "proof" of

  THE EDITOR'S WOOING.

  We love thee, Ann Maria Smith, And in thy condescension, We see a future full of joys Too numerous to mention.

  There's Cupid's arrow in thy glance, That by thy love's coercion Has reached our melting heart of hearts, And asked for one insertion.

  With joy we feel the blissful smart, And ere our passion ranges, We freely place thy love upon The list of our exchanges.