Leo: A More Than Series Spin-Off

by McLean, Jay

Benny.

  Benny lifts a hand and smiles wide, revealing all his baby teeth. “Hello, sir.”

  I raise my hand in return, but I don’t do anything else. I can’t. And it doesn’t matter that everyone’s looking at me, waiting for a verbal response. I literally can’t breathe. How the fuck can I speak?

  Mia turns back to her son. “Why don’t you go with Papa and Tammy, so they can give you a bath?”

  “Bubbles?” he squeals, dropping the bucket.

  He starts to run toward the bathroom, but Mia’s dad picks him up. “Better not have you traipsing mud through the house, kiddo.”

  In reality, all of this happens in less than a minute. In my mind, it was all in slow motion, from the second Mia walked in until right now, when it’s just me and her standing in the kitchen. Me, looking at her. Her, looking anywhere but at me. I finally speak. “How old is he, Mia?”

  She looks up, meets my eyes for the first time since she walked in. “We both know that’s not the question you really want to ask, Leo.”

  I swallow every single emotion that ever existed. “Is he mine?”

  “Yes.”

  Chapter Sixty

  Mia

  “Mama, why is that man walking up and down and up and down?” Benny’s standing at the living room window, looking out between the curtains, and he turns to me, his dark eyebrows pinched in the center.

  “What man?” I ask, mindlessly cleaning the kitchen. I didn’t get much sleep last night, for obvious reasons, and I’m really not in the mood for a visit. Whenever we’re in town, people seem to flock to the house just wanting to check in and talk about Papa. Most days I don’t mind it. Today—it’s the last thing I want.

  We’ve had a lazy morning, Benny and me, and we’re both still in pajamas even though it’s close to midday. “The man from yesterday.”

  Before I can even begin to panic, the buzzer of the intercom goes off. Why we need an intercom when I’m in the barn and Dad and Tammy are in the main house, mere yards away and we have cell phones, I have no idea. Dad said it would be easier for Benny to communicate with them. He can’t even reach the dang thing. Reluctantly, I hit the answer button, already knowing what’s coming. “Honey?” It’s Tammy. “Leo’s here to see you.”

  Crap.

  Crud.

  Fuck.

  I wasn’t expecting to see him, at least not this soon. Yesterday, after he asked me if Benny was his and I answered in truth, his initial reaction was anger. I saw it flare in his eyes. Actually, it was his only reaction. Right before he stormed out the door, got into his truck and peeled out of the driveway.

  “Should I bring him over?” Tammy asks, and I can barely hear her over the thumping of my heart.

  “No. I’ll, um… I’ll go there.” Whatever conversation Leo wants to have, I don’t want to have it here, and definitely not in front of my son.

  Our son.

  Before leaving the barn, I get dressed quickly and help Benny do the same. And then we make our way to the main house. I don’t know if he’s holding my hand or I’m holding his, but I’m grateful for it. I need strength right now, and he’s always been the one to give me that. Leo turns when he hears the barn door open, then looks away. Even when we climb up the stairs, still holding hands, Leo won’t look at us. Or, more specifically, he won’t look at Benny. I open the door and tell Benny I’ll be right back. He’s already climbing all over Dad, laughing, completely unaware that his fate might be in question.

  I’m scared. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’m terrified of what Leo’s presence means. Even though I’ve thought about this moment so often, and I thought I was prepared; it’s clear that I’m not.

  When I close the door, Leo says, his tone flat, “We need to go somewhere and talk.”

  He still has that rage in his eyes, the one from yesterday, only now it’s all over him. His muscles are stiff, guarded, and we’re only in his car for a total of five minutes. He drives us down the dead-end road that leads to the cliff edge that he nearly drove us over all those years ago. When we get to the end, he stops, kills the engine, and then gets out. He didn’t say a single word on the drive. I try to hide my fear before stepping out, following him to the rear of the truck. He’s sitting on the tailgate, the heels of his palms rubbing at his eyes.

  I say, because I feel I like I need to say something, “Have you slept?”

  He looks up now, the rage gone from those blue-blue eyes, and he just looks… worn. As if he’s been to hell and back and then hell again and this… this is his version of hell. “Could you, if you were me?” There’s no bite in his tone, no malice.

  It takes way more effort than it should to climb the bed, and Leo has to help me up by tugging on my arm. In any other situation, I would’ve laughed or thought it was one of those adorable moments between couples. Now, and with Leo and me, it just seems pathetic. I don’t sit beside him. I go all the way in, my back to the side of the bed, facing him. I want to see his face, every reaction, every emotion.

  “I’m trying really fucking hard not to lose my shit right now, Mia,” he grinds, his eyes shifting to mine. “How could you not fucking tell me?”

  “What? Like, call you?” I snap back.

  “That’s weak, and you know it.”

  Weak? That single word sets me off. “I couldn’t even call you because you fucking blocked me and everyone around me out of your life! And you expect me to come crawling to you with a baby knowing you wanted nothing to do with me?”

  “That’s not fair, Mia!”

  “None of this is fair!” I almost shout, and I hate the tears burning behind my eyes.

  “It’s not like you don’t know where I live! You could’ve come to my house!”

  “No, I couldn’t!” I shake my head, fast, furious. “I couldn’t bring myself there, Leo. I just… I couldn’t.” My voice cracks on the last word, and maybe he was right. Maybe I am weak.

  “You were there last week! We talked and—”

  “And what was I supposed to say? I’m happy your life is going great, and you’re getting everything you ever wanted! Good luck at the academy! I know how hard you worked to get there! Oh, by the way, you have a four-year-old son!”

  “Yes! Exactly that!”

  I stare at him, and he stares back, and I don’t know where the heck to go from here. Breaths shallow, I break our eye contact and look down at my lap, fiddling with the threads of my torn jeans. I could tell him a thousand lies, and it wouldn’t be right. Or I could tell him the truth and surrender to all our wrongs. “You don’t understand, Leo. It got worse. After Papa died, my disease… the bulimia, it took hold of me, and I couldn’t…” I wipe at my tears, refusing to look at him. The knot in my chest makes it hard to speak, but I find my strength in the heart of a little boy we created and push on. “I was so consumed with grief and anger and pain and I… I was already four months along by the time I found out I was pregnant. I can’t even think about the damage I’d done to my own body in four months, and somehow, he was still there, and he was still fighting and I…”

  “Mia,” Leo sighs, and I look up at him, his eyes glassy from his withheld tears.

  “He forced me to get my shit together and turn my life around. For him. For me.” I take a breath, try to settle my breathing. “It was the first time I didn’t question or hesitate or wonder if I was deserving. For my entire life, I never really knew who I was or what I wanted, but I wanted him. I needed him. And that might be the most selfish thing to admit out loud, but it’s the truth.” I pause a beat, then add in a whisper, “I didn’t want you to resent him,” I whisper.

  “Mia, you know me better than that,” he says quietly.

  “I wasn’t in the right headspace,” I admit, my eyes struggling to hold his. “To me, back then, you walked away when things got hard and never once looked back. I didn’t want to force him on you when you wanted nothing to do with me. It would be me with my parents all over again, and Benny—he doesn’t deserve that.”


  Leo sucks in a sharp breath, his eyes darting to the side before coming back to me. “It’s been over four years. I just… I don’t understand how you could’ve gone that long and not once thought about how this would impact me.”

  “I did. I do,” I rush out, trying to keep the tears at bay. “Of course I think about you. Every day I look at him, and I see you, Leo. He has—”

  “Don’t,” he cuts, his tone final. “I’m not ready to talk about him, Mia. You and me, I can deal with but—” He huffs out a breath, his cheeks puffing with its force. Then he throws his head back, his eyes on the sky, darting everywhere, all at once.

  I open my mouth to speak, but my phone rings, cutting me off. Dad’s name flashes on the screen, and I’m quick to answer. “Hello?”

  “Mama, are you coming back soon?” Benny practically shouts into the phone.

  Leo lowers his gaze, listening. Always listening.

  “Um. I’m not sure, bud.”

  “I’m making Benny’s world-famous burgers!” he yells, but it comes out boigas.

  I watch Leo frown as he looks at the phone in my hand.

  “Mama?”

  “Yeah.” I push down the lump in my throat. “I’ll come home now. Can’t miss your world-famous burgers!”

  “Kay! Bye, Mama!” He hangs up before I can respond, and Leo’s eyes catch mine.

  “I’ll take you back,” he says, hopping off the truck. He starts to walk to the driver’s side before pausing, then turning back to offer me his hand to get down. I take it, ignoring how his touch has always made me feel, and let him lead me to the passenger side. He waits until I’m seated and my belt is on before closing the door.

  The drive back to the house is just as quick as the drive to the cliff edge. He pulls in the driveway and cuts the engine, then turns to me. “I don’t know what to do here, Mia.”

  I face him. “I don’t know, either.”

  He heaves out a breath, looks out the windshield. “Do you think,” he starts, before grasping his hair, making it stick up in all directions. “Will you send me a picture of him?”

  I contemplate this for all of one second. “Will you unblock my number?”

  He grabs his phone from the center console, and, shaking his head, he taps at a few buttons, then nods to go ahead.

  I send him one I’d taken only a few days ago. Benny’s sitting on a rug in the field with a bucket full of rocks, his eyes wide, smiling as he shows me his latest finds. Leo stares at the picture—seconds, minutes. I don’t know how long. His thumb strokes over the glass of the screen, and when he finally looks away, he looks right at me, his eyes glazed. “Did you ever collect rocks?” he asks, and it’s such an odd question, it takes me a moment to comprehend.

  “No.” I shake my head. “He just started doing it one day, and now he’s obsessed. He has this book of—”

  “Rocks and minerals?”

  I nod.

  He looks back at the picture. “He has your eyes,” he says, and then quickly shuts off his phone and throws it back in the console. He sucks in a breath, his hands tight on the steering wheel.

  I tell him, “I don’t expect anything from you, Leo. You don’t have to be a part of his life.”

  “Mia...”

  “Nobody knows you’re his father,” I say. “I mean, after yesterday, Tammy suspects something, but my dad doesn’t know. Holden is the only one, and he’s never said a word. It’s not like we’re struggling financially, so you can walk away without any guilt or shame…”

  “I can’t walk away.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t want you to feel like you need to be here, Leo.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” he mutters, almost agitated.

  I sigh, looking through the kitchen window at Benny standing on a stool at the island watching Dad use a knife. I ask, throwing caution to the wind, “Did you want to come in and meet him?”

  Leo’s eyes meet mine again with emotion so heavy I wish I could decipher it. “I want to, Mia. So bad. But I don’t think I’m ready.”

  “Okay, that’s fine,” I’m quick to say, to soothe. I start to get out, but the warmth of his palm on my forearm stops me.

  “Can I call you?” Before I can respond, he adds, “I just… I’m going to need someone to talk to, and I don’t think I can bring this to my family yet, and I know I’m not making this easy, and I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry.” I frown, leave the door open, and settle back in the seat to face him. “This is a lot for you, Leo. You need time to process everything before you make any decisions.” And then I add, because I need to, “I’m sorry, too.”

  He exhales, so long and slow, it’s as if he’s held his breath since the moment he found out. “Come here,” he says, tugging me to him. He holds me, his hand on the back of my head, and it’s a million fleeting emotions all wrapped in one embrace. “We’re going to be okay,” he says, kissing the top of my head. “I just need time.” He pulls away. “Will you give me that?”

  I nod, and it takes everything in me not to kiss him like I did on our last goodbye, because: “I’ll give you forever, Leo.”

  Chapter Sixty-One

  Leo

  I didn’t look at the time when I left Mia’s, so I don’t know how long it takes me to get here. I do know that I had to turn around at least four times because I couldn’t focus for shit. By the time I park the truck, the sun’s already set. I stand on the front porch, my hand raised to knock, but I hesitate. Because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. On the drive here, I’d run through the conversation in my head over and over. So many words flicked through my mind. Some were complete sentences. Some were explanations. Some were even apologies.

  I suck in a breath, hold it. Then knock on the door. “It’s open!” my sister shouts, and so I open the door of her cabin. Some acres away, on the same property, is the main house, where Dad is, and I’m way too scared to face him just yet. He’s going to look at me beaming, proud that I made it through the first week of the academy unscathed, and he won’t even realize that of all his kids—I’ll be his biggest disappointment.

  Cameron, Lucy’s husband, is on the floor of their living room, holding their daughter in the air and making airplane noises as he swings her from side to side. He’s still in his suit from work, his tie loose around his neck. Lucy is beside him, reaching up to tickle Katie’s belly. Katie giggles the way babies do, the kind that makes you smile even though you feel dead inside. Which is exactly how I feel as I watch them. I could’ve had this—I think, just for a second—but I wouldn’t have been coming home from work. I’d be coming home from high school, and then college…

  “Leo, what’s wrong?” Lucy asks, sitting up, her eyes narrowed, worried.

  I haven’t said a word, but she knows me. Besides Mia, she knows me better than anyone. After giving Katie a quick kiss, she’s on her feet and moving toward me. Her hand grasps mine, her neck craned to look up at me, and I stare down at her, my big little sister. She’s so much like my mother; it hurts. “I…” I can’t even get the words out.

  Her chest rises with her inhale, and she lets it out through her nose, nodding once. And then she takes my hand, and I’m back outside, and she’s rubbing my back, saying, “Breathe, Leelee. Just breathe.”

  I hadn’t realized I wasn’t, so I inhale as much air as my lungs can handle while she leads me to the bench seat underneath the oak tree in her front yard. It’s dark out, the only light coming from the house and the moon. I hear the sounds of Cameron cooing and Katie laughing, and my jaw tightens. I crack my knuckles, one by one, and look down at the ground. Lucy never stops rubbing my back. She doesn’t speak. She just waits. And I know that she’d wait all night and all day if that’s what it takes. I realize now that all the practice I did in the car was pointless, because all the words were jumbled, and at no point did I decide how to start. I try to crack my knuckles again, but nothing comes. A ragged breath falls out o
f me, filling the silence between us, and her hand just keeps moving, up and down, up and down. I wish I could check out of this moment—for just a minute, so I can focus on what I need to say, to reveal, but I can’t. “Mia has a son,” I blurt out.

  Lucy’s hand stills on my back momentarily before moving again. “Oh?” It’s a question. Like, why am I even telling her this? I look over at her, and whatever she sees in my eyes—the pain, hurt, longing, agony, confusion—has her repeating, “Oh.” Except this time, it’s a statement, an understanding.

  “He’s four.”

  She removes her hand from my back and reaches for my hand, her face shifting forward, looking at the blank space in front of us. “So… you would’ve been…?”

  “Eighteen,” I say, watching her. “She was seventeen. It was right before senior year. I stayed on her grandpa’s farm, and she was there...”

  “So, it was, like, a summer fling?”

  “No,” I’m quick to respond. “God, no, Lucy.” For some reason, it hurts that she thinks that. Like, it takes away everything that Mia and I were, and I hate it. “I’ve loved her since I was thirteen.”

  “Oh, Leo,” she sighs, the romantic in her looking at me with those pitiful eyes, and I don’t know what I hate more.

  “We only did it twice.” It’s a stupid thing to say, but it’s been on my mind ever since the bomb was dropped on my lap. “We used protection both times.”

  “It only takes one time, and no protection is a hundred—”

  “I know, Luce,” I cut in, and it comes out harsher than I intended. Obviously, I know, and I don’t mean to be frustrated with her. I’m just… I don’t know how the fuck to feel right now.

  “Why didn’t she tell you? I mean, she didn’t tell you, right?”

  I shake my head. “I found out last night.”

  “Jeez, Leo. It just…”

  “Just what?” I ask, facing her.

  “It just doesn’t make sense, I guess,” she says, her voice low. “If you loved her and I assume she felt the same, why couldn’t you...”