Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

  “Yes and no. Yes, because it hurts remembering the pain I’ve seen in your eyes, the pain I’ve caused you. Your beautiful blue green eyes that always look at me with hope, once looked at me defeated, heart broken and I hate that. I feel the way you do about some things, wishing I could shut it off and never think about the things that feel bad. I feel that way about things that didn’t even happen to me. Things that haunt you, they also haunt me.”

  I’m staring at him, wishing he didn’t still think about our past like that. “Josh, I don’t want you and me to always be looking back with such sorrow. We have become the very thing we were always meant to be. Beautiful. I know it deep down in here,” I touch my heart. “Yes, you’ve caused me pain. I’ve caused you pain. We’re not much different. But we’re done doing that, right? We’re fighting like hell to not be those two people anymore. When I say I want to forget things, I don’t mean us. Never us. Not even that night at the bar. And you want to know why? Because somewhere underneath all of that ugliness when you and I were lashing out at each other were two people scared to death and madly in love. I think we needed to go through that weakness to find our strength.”

  “What is it that you want to forget? Dean?” he asks.

  I nod, twirling my hair nervously. “Not so much him because he wasn’t always…uh, the way he is now. I just um…I want to forget the girl I used to be.”

  “I didn’t tell you the entire truth about why I came home early,” he whispers looking over my shoulder. “I had a dream before I left and it was about you. It started out so sweet. You were dancing in the rain and it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Then it turned dark. We were on opposite ends of this blackness and I couldn’t save you. I saw him reaching for you and I couldn’t get to you. It was strange and it scared the hell outta me. Your pain has always been mine to share, Riley. I had to come to you and make sure you were all right. I needed to be here with you because without you I’m a mess. As for forgetting whom we used to be, the girl you once were…Hell, no I wouldn’t want to forget anything. I’d remember every moment if it gave me a glimpse of how not to fuck it up again, how to hold onto this with all my might. I’d hit replay a thousand times if it meant saving you from his hands, Riley. I’d never hit skip ahead. Because skipping ahead to the next memory without you is never possible and never fucking happy, baby. Every memory has you woven into it—good and bad, the old you, the new you…it’s all you—always you. They hurt, some of these memories, but you're in them, so I need to keep them, the sad and happy times.” His voice becomes a soft whisper when I become teary. “Tell me your dream, Riley.”

  I gasp and place my hands on his chest, looking into his sad hazel eyes. “I can’t.”

  He cradles my cheeks in his hands. “You can. You just say the words, baby. We can’t just let each other in just a little. It needs to be all in.”

  I shut my eyes briefly and start, “He was hurting me, but then he became you and I let it happen because your touch I want. My eyes were shut because what you were doing to me felt good, but then your hand tightened around my throat and I opened my eyes to find you gone. It was Dean again and he didn’t stop. He never does in my dreams. You were there still, when I turned my head to try and catch a breath, I saw you watching. You were just watching, not saving me. You kept saying, ‘I’m here. I’m right here,’ and I stared at you the whole time, crying until Dean told me to say goodbye and I couldn’t breathe any longer. You didn’t help me and I didn’t understand why.” I’m crying and I can see the pain on his face from my admission. “It wasn’t real, though. I know it wasn’t real,” I say between sniffles.

  “Shit!” He shuts his eyes and I hate it.

  I climb onto my knees and directly in front of him. I grab his cheeks, “Josh, I know it’s not real. I know you would always protect me. Always.” His eyes shut. “I’m over it, Josh. It didn’t mean anything.”

  His eyes snap open. “You’re not fucking over it if you’re still dreaming about it. I’m obviously not over it. I’m scared. Scared, he might come after you again and I won’t be here. Last night when I saw him talking to you, I froze. It was all too real. I couldn’t make myself move. I guess more shocked that I dreamt that and came to you out of fear only to have it really happening, him there with you. Then he just walked away from you and all I did was watch.” He grabs my cheeks almost painfully. “I’d never just watch him hurt you, Riley. I don’t know why I couldn’t move last night, but I…I—dammit.” His eyes shut and I want to wipe that expression right off of his face and never see it again.

  “Stop, Josh. Stop. He won’t hurt me and I know you are there for me. You’re everything to me. Don’t do this. He’s been gone and I’ve been so focused on you. The nightmares even stopped for a little while. I think last night was just strange. Maybe, seeing him and thinking about him being back made my head go there again when I slept. You were in it because you were talking to me, I guess. It doesn’t mean anything.”

  “I hate him. I hate her. I hate that you ever went through that. I hate myself for being such a coward. He almost raped you, Riley. You can’t just get over it. I just…I hate that I wasn’t there to protect you and even your subconscious reminds you of it.” Oh, my God.

  I drop my hands onto my lap, looking at them, twiddling them as if I will find the words to say written on them like a cheat sheet in Math class. Why can’t I ever get the words right, get the emotions right, get it fucking right? I don’t want him blaming himself for this, or to even for a second think I do.

  I don’t.

  “Listen to me, Josh. He didn’t rape me. What he did hurt, I can’t lie about that, but you not being there…is irrelevant. You’re with me now. I’m with you. We can’t keep kicking ourselves for the things we did in the past. I don’t want to be stuck there anymore. It’s a dream, only a dream. Can we please not talk about him or this anymore? Please?”

  We just gaze at one another. Nothing else spoken. Just breathing.

  “Will you come with me somewhere?” I ask after a while. I need to reassure him that I’m okay. We’re okay.

  He pulls me to stand. “I will go with you anywhere, pretty girl.”

  We pull up to the church and Josh puts the truck in park. “Here?” he asks, confused.

  “Here,” I say unbuckling my seat belt. I haven’t explained anything, just asked him to trust me and keep an open mind.

  It’s been years since I’ve stepped foot in this building until recently. We used to come when I was younger. We were the yo-yo members, on again and off again. I sang in the choir, played the piano for like a year in high school. Our choir director loved me. He told me I had great potential, that the Lord had given me a gift, the gift of music. We stopped going to church permanently a few Sundays after my dad passed. Hearing the whispers, the gossip flowing of my dad’s bad choices was just too much for my mom. For me, I was just too angry with God. I didn’t understand so many things. The blame had to go somewhere. I could have made a choice to continue attending, continue singing, playing. Holding onto something good, but I didn’t. I no longer sang, no longer played and no longer believed in miracles, or unconditional love.

  For a while, that is. Until Josh.

  Josh taught me so much…about myself, about love, about all of the beautiful things in life. I know standing in this building again that I have so much to give. So much more potential lives inside me and I can’t give up. I wouldn’t. He can’t give up, either. We are, “all in” just like he said and he needs to know how serious I am.

  I swallow the lump in my throat and follow the hall that leads to the room where I’ve been secretly coming to for weeks. I hold my breath, hoping Josh doesn’t run for the hills when he realizes where I’ve brought him, where I’ve come lately.

  It’s just I needed help alleviating all of this baggage I carried and I needed to find a way to let it go once and for all. It might have been my mom’s idea for us, but it’s my saving grace and it’s led me here. He
reads the sign on the door.

  COLLEGE: Coping with depression and addiction

  He turns me to him and grabs my face. “What is this?”

  I grab his hands on my cheeks and tell him the partial truth. I don’t want him to know yet what I’m battling because I’m not sure if I’ve accepted it, but I do want him to know I’m trying and I’m fighting.

  “I told you before you left that I want to be better for you. I want to be better for me, for my family. I want to heal. I was doing better. I really was. The thing is, I’d rather be miserably drunk than feel things that hurt. I’d rather not care. I learned that about myself. My old self. That version of me needed to change.” He’s listening intently and I love that he hears me. That he does that—listens. “Despite what I try to convince myself I do give a shit.” I look up, “Sorry, God.”

  He grins and waits for the rest. “My mom suggested we go to family counseling here and try to work on things, you know heal or something, maybe find God again,” I shrug. “I hated the idea of it, asking for help, seeking forgiveness, rehashing things from the past, but I realized that we had bottled so many things up, locked them in so tight that we no longer knew who we were buried underneath all of that.” I turn to the door where the sign is hung and touch it. The word depression and addiction scream loudly at me. He doesn’t need to know yet that I suffer from both. “I came one night on my own except this class was taking place and well, one thing led to another.”

  He moves the hair off of my shoulder and gently places a kiss there. “So, you’ve been going to group therapy? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I lift my shoulder and turn back towards him. “I didn’t tell anyone, not even Emily. My mom doesn’t even know I was coming here without her.”

  “Was?” he asks.

  “Yes, was. I quit coming when you and I got back together. I made a decision that I want to feel…everything if it means being the best version of myself. I don’t want to grab a bottle of tequila and drown out the noise anymore. I just want you. Everything I have screaming in my head is just that, noise in my head. You and me, we’re real. That is all that matters to me. You see me at my best, at my worst, but you see me.” I reach up and smooth the crinkle he’s formed on his eyebrow. “Josh, you see the real me, no matter what I do to hide from you. I don’t need to talk to strangers about my life. I need to talk to you.”

  He kisses my forehead, pulling me in for a tight hug. “Why are you telling me this now?” he asks.

  I hold his hands between us. “Because I want you to understand that I’m fighting, I’m trying and I won’t always be stuck in my head. The dreams are just dreams. They don’t exist when I wake up. But this—you and me making a future together—it’s everything I want and everything I’m fighting for.”

  We actually stay for a service at the church. It’s both odd and equally comforting. Something peaceful is felt, a calm in our storm. I know I need to tell him the rest. That’s the reason I am the way I am is because I suffer from depression, and that my therapist thinks I need medication. I don’t think I’m ready to admit that much yet, not to myself, or to him.

  CHAPTER 26

  Once again, she shocks me with the truth. I always hoped she would eventually understand everything I’ve always told her. That she’s beautiful, strong and capable of anything and everything. She has so much love living inside of her. Now, she feels it. Believes it and it’s absolutely breathtaking.

  “…Parker had such great potential. It’s a little shocking that this didn’t work out for him.”

  “Is it, though? It was only a matter of time before his shoulder injury took him out. I think it’s good judgment of the coaching staff at LSU. Parker being a freshman and not being the best in his game is a huge red flag. Good thing they caught it.”

  “The kid is probably kicking himself now for not going to A&M.”

  “Do you think he’ll sign with TCU?”

  “If he’s smart, he would. Take a year to get your head on straight, rest the shoulder and make a comeback. We’ve seen it happen plenty of times.”

  “Turn it off!” I snap peering at my dad watching the TV screen with a disappointed snarl on his face.

  His eyes flick up. “What’s this about TCU?” he asks.

  I clear my throat and glance to Riley curled up on the couch with our sisters. She’s across the room and looking at me with big doe eyes. “They offered me a scholarship. LSU released me with restrictions. I sit out a year, but I can still practice and go to college.”

  “When did you find this out?” he asks. My eyes glance to Riley’s again. I haven’t told her this.

  “They were talking to me back in February. It was before I knew what was going on. I guess they had suspicions. Perhaps, I should have as well. I didn’t give it much thought until the official offer was made recently.”

  “So you’ve taken the scholarship?”

  Silence.

  “Right?”

  More silence.

  “Joshua Parker, tell me you took that offer.” He stands up, staring down at me sitting on the couch. I notice Riley sitting up taller from the corner of my eye.

  I raise my head, square my shoulders and prepare for his wrath. “I can’t tell you that, dad. I didn’t.”

  “And why the hell not?” he growls the words out.

  I stand to meet his eyes. “Because I’m not playing.”

  “Not playing?”

  “Not playing,” I state. “Football is not what I want to do anymore,” I admit.

  I see his eyes flash over with disapproval. He glances to Riley’s mom and then over to where she is sitting nervously chewing on her lip, contemplating intervening. I shake my head no at her when her mouth goes to open, she clamps it shut.

  “This isn’t about her, so don’t look at her like that.”

  He laughs bitterly. “Isn’t though? It’s always about her. What’s wrong with going to TCU? It’s local. You could still be together.”

  I pull my hair until it stands up on the ends and growl. “I DON’T WANT TO PLAY!” I yell and hear gasping. “It’s not who I am anymore. Don’t you get that? This isn’t about her,” I point to Riley. “It’s about me and what I want. I don’t want to play football. I don’t want the same things you do.” I have my hands out in front of me. He just doesn’t understand. My Dad wants this so much for me, but it’s not what I want for myself. He played all through college and even had a chance of going pro until he got injured. The more I think about it, the more I realize this isn’t about me at all.

  He looks around the room and then points to the door. “Next door, NOW!” I know better than to argue this in front of everyone. It won’t be pretty and so I follow him out of Riley’s house and next door to our own. I don’t look at her when I pass. I don’t want to see the confusion or worry on her face. This will be fine in time.

  Riley and I are lying in the bed of my truck looking up at the stars. She’s tucked into my side, resting her head in the crook of my arm and I think to myself how perfectly she fits beside me. We haven’t spoken about the fight with my dad and I haven’t asked her about what her mom meant at dinner earlier this evening.

  “Have you scheduled your appointment yet? I can go with you if you like,” her mom said.

  I noticed Riley’s eyes grow wide and she wouldn’t meet mine across the table from her. “No, mom. I haven’t. Can we talk about this another time?” she asked in a tight voice.

  It seems as though Riley and I still have some opening up to do, and I try not to dwell on that too much. “So, I think my dad is pretty angry with me right now,” I say.

  She sighs softly, “I know. He’ll get over it. Can I ask you something?”

  I look over at her, “Anything, pretty girl.”

  She rolls to her side to where she’s facing me. “Have you ever thought about going somewhere else entirely? Starting over?”

  Yes. “Have you?”

  She grins. “Don’t do that question with
a question thing, Parker. Answer the question. If you could leave and start over somewhere else, would you?”

  I touch her promise ring on her hand, bringing it to my lips where I kiss her palm. “If I had you with me, I’d go anywhere.”

  She gazes into my eyes with wonder. “What’s going on in your head, Riley?”

  She smiles, interlacing our fingers and pulling our hands into her chest. “I was just thinking that Emily is leaving. She’s moving to Louisiana to be with Collin. I will need to move out of the apartment when she does since her dad pays for it. I didn’t know about TCU and if it’s something you wanted to pursue, I’d follow you there. But what if we did something crazy instead?”

  She has my attention. “Yeah, like what?”

  She rolls onto my stomach and meets my eyes. “What if we took a year and chased our dreams?” Her face lights up, “We could write music and make a demo. Audition for that show, Triple Threat or something. You sing, write and play an instrument. You’d be so perfect. Or we could travel the world and play at different bars, live in a hotel until we get bored and then move on to the next gig. We could—,”

  I’m smiling so wide at her excitement. “Slow down there, daydreamer. You want to leave Texas and make music together?”

  She bites her lip. “Maybe. It could be fun. Play by our own rules. Do what we want instead of what we’re told.”

  I cradle her head, tangle our legs together and roll us to our sides. “I’d love nothing more than to write and create music with you, pretty girl. But you want to audition for a singing show? That is so unlike you.”

  She grins so cutely. “I want you to audition, not me. It’s in Dallas. There is another one in New Orleans. I know you would make it on the show. You’re amazing, baby.”

  My heart swells. “And you aren’t? If I audition, then you audition.”