by LJ Evans
“And when this one is gone, there will be another, Dax. I know Tsuyoshi Mori too well. I can’t imagine him just letting her go,” he said bitterly. “I can’t bear the thought of losing you, too. Not like I did Élodie… Not at his hands.”
He choked on his emotions.
“We’re somewhere safe, and I’m doing everything I can to keep us that way. I promise. I’m not being foolish,” I said and then gave a frustrated sigh because I had been foolish in keeping the notes from her. She was right. She might have seen something in them that neither Cillian nor I had noticed. After all, we hadn’t lived in her father’s world. “But I’m not sure how long she’ll let me keep her here.”
To my surprise, he chuckled softly. “What did you do?”
My lips curled upward. “I made a decision that I thought protected her but also kept things from her.”
“We do this from time to time with the ones we love,” he said, and in his tone, I heard a sort of apology and acceptance, as if losing me would be worse than accepting Jada. My heart leaped.
“She’s unaccustomed to anyone loving her that much,” I said honestly.
Emotions seemed to fill the line as we both took that in. Then, he said teasingly, “I have one word for you.” I could almost see the twinkle in his eye even when he was thousands of miles away.
“Yeah?”
“Grovel.”
We both laughed before it turned serious again.
“Dax…I… This is not going to be easy for me,” he said quietly.
“I know. I’ve tried for over a decade to get rid of the feelings I have for her. I tried because I didn’t want to hurt you. Us. Éclair.” I swallowed hard. “But denying her is like denying myself. I can’t do it anymore. More importantly, I can’t do it to her. She deserves someone willing to give up everything just for her.”
His words held tears when he spoke again, so many emotions pouring over the phone. “I’m proud of the man you are, Dax. I hope you know that. Please be safe. Come see us. Soon. Your maman and I both miss you.”
“I will…we will,” I told him, and he didn’t even argue against it.
We hung up, and I felt not quite relieved but as if the rift that could have occurred between us was not as insurmountable as it had appeared. Love did that. A father’s true love for a child. I’d brought the devil to the door, and he’d still opened it.
It made me wonder again about Tsuyoshi Mori and if he was truly behind these threats. He’d protected Jada for years even when she’d done everything she could to hurt and humiliate him. Did he love her enough to see past it all? His cold tone in the sedan and the distant “musume” he called her seemed to contradict it.
I went in search of Cillian and the others. I needed to know who’d given us up. We needed to know who was coming after her. The Matsudas inviting her to their house was a flashing neon warning sign.
As I entered the kitchen, Cillian was just hanging up with Reinard.
“You figure out who gave us up?” I asked with a growl.
“There’s no way it’s any of the guys here, Dax. None. Not only did they have no opportunity, but all of their communication is monitored.”
“Terrence went into town for fast food.”
Cillian glowered. “I’ve worked with Terrence since our Ranger days. He’s not the leak.”
“Is there another way they found us? Through the phones?” I asked with a chin in the direction of his burner.
Cillian’s brows furrowed together. “The burners are clean. It would have to be on Reinard’s end.”
“Reinard?”
Cillian’s face grew even darker. “No.”
“Rana didn’t think anyone on her team could be the leak either, but Mori has obviously gotten to all of you somehow. Figure it out.”
Cillian stormed out, and I turned my energy to making lunch so I wouldn’t give in to the anxiety and concern eating at me, so I wouldn’t run into the library and force Jada to see things my way. That was what every other man in her life had done to her. I wouldn’t be them.
At lunch, I sent Mike to the library with a tray of food so she knew I was respecting her wishes. But as the day started to disappear into another cold, autumn evening, I worried that she wasn’t ever going to come out. Papa had said to grovel, but I wasn’t a groveler by nature. I apologized for my mistakes with heartfelt sincerity, and then it was up to the other person to forgive or not. I’d given her the time she’d requested to consider my apology. But I wondered if instead of giving her space, I needed to prove to her that I was still there. That I would fight everyone, including her, to stay at her side.
Just as I was getting ready to knock on the library door, it opened, and she emerged.
Instead of being angry that I was standing there, ready to invade when she’d asked me to stand down, Jada laughed. “I’m actually impressed you stayed away this long.”
I grinned. “It’s been pretty hard. You should be impressed.”
Her eyes strolled my body, taking in the part of me that was almost always hard around her, and my smile widened.
“You’re impossible,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“Dedicated. Persistent,” I said.
“I want to see the other notes,” she said, and I nodded. She continued, “I need you to promise not to keep anything from me again.”
I held my breath, unsure of what her words meant. Was she saying we could try to build something beyond these walls and this temporary world we’d lost ourselves in?
“I agree,” I said, my voice deep with the commitment I felt in each syllable.
“Never,” she said again as if my quick retort hadn’t satisfied her, as if she needed to emphasize it.
“I understand,” I told her and then risked telling her the truth, because if we were going to do this, we had to both be open about what we needed. “But you also can’t shut down and push me away. Not because of my mistakes or your father or whatever the notes say. You don’t need to protect me. I’m not their target.”
She frowned. “Ever heard of collateral damage? Violet was almost collateral damage in New London, Dax. I can’t…” Her voice cracked, and she had to collect herself before finishing. “I won’t let that happen to her, or you, or any of the people I care about.”
Fierce Jada was back in full force. Taking control. Protecting everyone.
I nodded. “I can understand how you’d feel that way, and I love you for it. For your bravery and your desire to shield everyone in your world. But sometimes being brave means letting others fight at your side, letting them take the risk, because the thought of you going to battle on your own…” The emotions closed my throat, and her eyes shut, trying to keep her own feelings at bay. I leaned in, brushing my lips against her forehead, and then continued, “It would kill me anyway.”
Her hand went to my waist, fingers curling into my T-shirt, digging into my skin.
“I’ve lived too much of my life alone…” Her words faded away, and my chest tightened, heart bleeding in a way that I knew she hated because she didn’t want me to feel sorry for her.
“You’re not alone anymore, mon bijou. I’m here. I’ll be here for as long as you let me.” And I meant every word. They were the same ones I’d basically told my father. I wasn’t prepared to ever let her go again.
“I’ll need space sometimes,” she said quietly, and my heart continued to leap and pound at the thought of more time with her, of her finally accepting this. Us.
“You know what we need?” I asked, and when she shook her head, I continued with a suave smile. “A signal.”
“Like the ones you use with Cillian?” Her brow curved in confusion.
“Yes, but one that says, ‘Back off before I toss you through the window.’”
This made her laugh, as I’d intended. Then, she said, “Fuck you has usually worked for me.”
I chuckled, twined her hand with mine, and tugged her tow
ard the stairs.
“I’m sure we can come up with something more inventive than that,” I told her, eyebrow raising.
“We don’t need a sign for sex, Ar―Dax. I think you have that one down pat.”
I winked down at her. “Yeah?”
She pushed her shoulder into my arm. “You know you do. But maybe we can review the ones Rana gave me, and we’ll find something useful.”
I didn’t disagree. Going through the signals she’d worked out with her bodyguard was a good thing, no matter what. It would make me feel better, and maybe she knew that. Maybe she knew that I needed something to feel like I had some semblance of control over this out-of-control scenario. It was a gift, and I’d take it.
But more importantly, I would make sure she didn’t regret giving in to everything we could be. To a lifetime of possibilities that stood before us.
Jada
RUN
“To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry.”
Performed by Snow Patrol
Written by Lightbody / Connolly / Archer / Quinn / McClelland
Dax and I had spent the evening taunting and teasing each other with signs and signals. Stop. Go. Harder. Slower. It had been a new, tantalizing experience. Some of the motions had been real, but most of them were ridiculous touches meant only for a moment of pleasure.
The entire time we’d bantered back and forth, his words from downstairs had stayed with me, writing themselves harder and deeper into my heart. You’re not alone, mon bijou. I’m here. I’ll be here for as long as you let me. God…what would that be like? To wake up every single day to someone being there at my side?
I’d fallen into the deep slumber I’d somehow found in the last few days only when Dax’s naked body was twined around mine, so I wasn’t sure what woke me in the dark of night. Our limbs were tangled in a way that looked like an abstract piece of art. Tan blending into white. Black blending into brown. I wished on all the stars in the sky that our lives could be as beautiful as this moment.
Gently and slowly, I unwound myself from him. His breathing changed, as if he’d woken, but then steadied again. I stared down at him with love flowing out of me so big and wide it could cover an ocean or two. I’d almost said the words earlier. They’d almost slipped out, but I’d caught them, holding them in for a little while longer. I wasn’t sure why, other than I wasn’t as brave as Dax thought I was. The risk of saying them seemed enormous.
In some ways, I was more terrified of telling Dax I wanted to give us a try past this time at Vanya’s than I was of the threatening notes he’d shown me. Giving him a chance to break my heart again wasn’t something I could recover from with the same ease of curing broken bones. I knew this for a fact because I’d already lived through it multiple times.
I picked up the silk robe which I’d spent most of the last five days in and headed for the restroom with painful memories following me. Memories of his protection…and his desertion.
My vision was blurry as I took in the marble and stone balcony at Benita’s chateau. The tranquilizer I’d taken was kicking in sooner than I’d expected, probably because of the amount of alcohol I’d consumed. The two men at my side had kept refilling my glass. I’d nicknamed them Bill and Ted in my head because they felt that way. Goofy but trying to be cool. I hadn’t seen them at Benita’s before. New blood. Or blood invited by one of the others. Who knew? I didn’t care. They were dance-worthy at least, if nothing else.
I shook my body into theirs, one on either side of me. Our bodies blending in with the sea of them that filled the space while Benita’s laughter echoed through the night. The deep bass boomed through the floor and up through my veins. I was surprised I was able to stand. Ted leaned in and kissed me, soft and wet and not at all appealing. He spun me around, and Bill caught me with a laugh. He kissed me too. The opposite of his friend, firm and dry. But his hand clutching my side was almost painful. It brought me back to the world.
A third man joined us, someone they knew because they greeted him with a smile, letting him into our little circle. This man was dark and muscled, reminding me of someone I didn’t want to remember. The one I’d had a fleeting sighting of earlier in the evening before he’d headed in the opposite direction of me. I swallowed the rest of the drink in my hand and tossed the glass in the direction of the table, but it missed, shattering.
The new man put his hand on my neck, tugging me close.
“Ready for some fun, Jada?” he asked.
He knew my name. While it wasn’t necessarily a surprise, it sparked some fight-or-flight warning in the back of my brain. He dragged the strap of my top down, and I flicked his hand away. He frowned.
Ted laughed. “I guess Jada needs to warm up a little more before she’s ready to play.”
Ted kissed me again, and I pushed at his chest, ready to knee him in the balls and walk away. I lifted my leg, but Bill caught it, laughing.
I was done. I was ready to call Kaida and have her haul me away. Where was my phone?
“Let her go.” The voice was deep and gravelly. Full of quiet fury. My head spun in the direction of the man I was never prepared to see, the man who made my pulse beat faster than any other human being. I could barely make out Dax’s features, but even in my haze, they looked grim in a way he never was.
“Jada doesn’t want to go. Do you, baby?” Bill teased, pulling my waist.
I hated the nickname. Hated it with a passion. I tried to pull away, but his arm tightened on me.
“I won’t repeat myself,” Dax said, and he reached for my arm. The new guy pushed Dax’s chest, and Dax responded with a right hook that sent the guy reeling toward the edge of the balcony. Dax turned toward Bill and Ted. “Walk away.”
Bill tried to push me behind him, but Dax was faster than any of us had expected. He grabbed the guy’s wrist, flipped him around, and sent him toward his friend at the railing. Then, he landed a punch on Ted’s chin.
He didn’t even hesitate before he swept me into his arms and stormed back into the chateau.
I tried to say something. I tried to complain or demand he put me down, but all that came out was a garble of slurred words.
“Mon Dieu, chérie. Why do you do this to yourself? To me?” he muttered, anger dripping from his tone.
I wanted to respond. To tell him that just seeing him wherever I went as we traveled the globe with Benita and the others was like cutting open my veins. Like I was bleeding out. That everything I did was simply to hide the pain. Instead, I lost myself to the release of the drugs and the alcohol and arms that felt safe. I let the darkness take over.
I woke the next morning with my mouth full of cotton and my head pounding. My eyes adjusted to the room. I was obviously still at Benita’s. The expensive, seventeenth-century furniture was a dead giveaway. When I turned over, I was stunned to find a naked male body lying next to me. Tan skin sprinkled with dark hair. Dax’s beautifully lined eyes were closed, the black lashes thick against his sharp cheekbones that were delightfully stubbled. He looked peaceful.
He looked like sin and temptation.
I vaguely recalled the men from the night before. Dax saving me. I hated it. And I loved it. What surprised me more than the fact that he’d interceded was that he’d brought me to his bed—a place I’d never thought I’d be. Nothing had happened between us. I knew this because Dax liked his women sober but also because I was fully clothed. As fully clothed as I could be in a sparkly dress that barely covered my ass and was cut down the front and back as low as I could get it to go without becoming a bikini. Only my stilettos had disappeared from my body.
My gaze took in every piece of the man next to me. The way his muscles were cut, showcasing his quiet strength. The delightful V of his abdomen. The semi hard-on he was sporting in his sleep. Gloriously delightful. My eyes landed on his long fingers laying on the sheet between us. His knuckles were cut and bruised.
He’d lost his temper defending me—a rarity in Dax’s world that was controlled, charming, and calm.
It brought tears to my eyes that I held back by closing my lids. God, what I wouldn’t have given for him to save me at fifteen…when he’d promised to call and hadn’t. I’d never known for sure why he’d vanished, but I’d suspected it had to do with me being a Mori. It was mere weeks after he’d disappeared on me that I’d realized why no one would want to stick around and be tangled with the darkness of my life.
No one but men like the three from last night.
Dax muttered something in his sleep, shifting so his hips were closer to mine, putting more of himself on display. All of him. He was so beautiful, torturing me like he always did. A thought flew through my head. A way to torture him back.
I didn’t even think twice about it. I just moved, surrounding him with my lips. As my mouth moved, his body tightened, eyes fluttering open, lust and desire filling them, and I relished it, hating myself for it almost as much as I ached to continue.
“What are you doing?” His voice was thick, full of sleep and longing.
I didn’t respond. I didn’t need to.
I just continued my gentle caress with tongue and fingers until he was close to reaching his climax. I could feel it in the way his body shifted and pulsed. He surprised me by not letting me finish. Instead, he moved in a flurry of motion, flipping me on my back and dragging his tongue up my inner thigh where he wasted no time in bringing me up and over the edge. My body clenched and shook, years of pent-up desire easily coalescing into this heady moment. The moans that escaped my mouth seemed to bring him out of whatever dream state we’d both been in.
He sat back, rubbed a hand over his face. “Putain…I’m sorry.”
The regret and rejection hit me so hard in my chest that I almost threw up.
I was grateful not to have to return his sorrow with snark as Kaida burst through the door.
“You’re late,” I told her, dragging myself from the bed.
“I had to take care of something for Oyabun. When I came back, you were gone. I’ve been searching and calling for hours. Where is your phone?”
