Heart Recaptured

by Tillie Cole

  I sat, mouth agape, as he added, “Yeah, speechless, Li? ‘Cause you’re hearing right now how fuckin’ flawed you and your goddamn faith sound.”

  “My faith is not flawed!” I defended. I couldn’t help but ponder that some of Ky’s comments might have substance.

  I sighed, shifted in my seat, and said, “But…”

  “But?” Ky questioned, a smile threatening to burst onto his lips.

  “But you are correct. I should not judge others so freely. I had never thought of my viewing the club as wrong in that way,” I admitted. This time, I was awarded a full, devastatingly handsome Ky smile, and it was devastatingly handsome.

  That tingling returned between my legs and I prayed it would pass before Ky noticed something was wrong with me… because there was something wrong me… I was being corrupted… by Ky. The sensations he brought out in me were almost too much to bear.

  When I calmed down, I mulled over Ky’s words, then said, “Forgiveness and judgment aside, you should really strive not to sin for the sake of your salvation, Ky.”

  “Salvation? You think I can be saved, sweet cheeks? You care about me being saved?” He sounded bemused.

  “I believe everyone can be saved.” I could feel Ky watching me. “For example, those women that you share relations with…” I trailed off, and I heard Ky cough to hide his laughter. “You should not be so free to engage with them. Restrain or save yourself for a woman you want to marry under God’s law. That is a pure love, Ky. Scripture says a love like that is like no other. This woman will help save you or at least to give you a safe place to come home to.”

  Ky’s expression was unreadable as he stared at me. Hope bloomed that he had listened to what I had said. That he could change his sinful ways.

  “Well, Jesus fucked a hooker slut, didn’t he? And that shit seemed to work out for him, didn’t it? I mean, hell, bitch, I got the long hair and beard and women worship at my feet. Maybe I’m the fuckin’ second coming?”

  And with that, I regretted everything I had just said.

  Defeated, I sat back and whispered, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

  “Oh great, more Bible shit. Just what my fuckin’ pounding hangover needs!”

  Feeling annoyed and gaping at his disregard of the Lord’s written word, I muttered, “John 4:8. It is worthy of your respect.”

  “Got it,” Ky said in amusement. “Gonna write down that worthy shit, frame it, and hang it on my wall.”

  Turning away from his taunting smirk, I cast my gaze out the window and abruptly noticed that other vehicles were on the road and we had left the secluded lane that housed the compound. The occasional house came into view amongst fields of green, and after a few more minutes, people were milling about, the outside world springing into life.

  I was fascinated by it all: the colors, the wide range of different people, their different clothes, the different vehicles on the road. At first it unnerved me, but I felt safe within the truck, and much to my chagrin, I felt safe with Ky. I knew he was my protector. I had witnessed it the night that he stormed the compound and demanded to Styx that Maddie and I be taken with Mae. And even out in this unfamiliar world, and with as little time spent with him as I had had, I instinctively knew he would protect me from danger.

  The vehicle began to turn right, and we pulled into a small area with a few other stationary vehicles, a small wooden house with the words Maude’s Breakfast Hut on the top. We came to a stop just outside.

  Some people passing by looked into the car, heads bent together, whispering to one another.

  I turned to Ky and admitted, “I am afraid to go out there. These people, they are so different from me.” I ran my hands down the front of my gray dress and over my white headdress. I felt sick with nerves. “I do not look the same as them. Everyone will stare at me, and I loathe to be looked at. I cannot stand it.”

  Ky edged closer on the long seat and said, “Li, ain’t no one gonna say shit to you. You’re with me. ‘Round these parts, no fucker says a thing to us outta turn unless they wanna feel a fuckload of pain.”

  Reading his expression, I saw nothing but sincerity. Still, I was reluctant to move. “Can I request that we return to the compound? I do not feel any comfort in being outside.”

  Ky shook his head and clasped my hand in his, causing me gasp. “No more requests. Time to take hold of those balls.”

  Ky reached over me and opened the door. “Let’s go.” Freeing my hand, he ushered me out of the truck and followed behind, shuffling along the seat, making sure I did as he said.

  Once out of the vehicle, strange sounds made me jump, and I found myself backing up until I hit something hard. Spinning around, I realized I had backed into Ky. His face was one of amusement again, but without a word, he wrapped his hand around mine and began marching into Maude’s Hut.

  Keeping two steps behind Ky, as was required when walking with a man, I kept my eyes to the ground and tried to block out the strange noises assaulting my ears.

  A bell sounded as Ky opened the door and the noise of people talking suddenly stopped. I could feel their stares on Ky and me. Ky did not appear affected by this. In fact, it seemed normal to him.

  He was beautiful; maybe it was his good looks that had people so mesmerized?

  Clicking footsteps sounded on the wooden floor, and a woman said, “Mornin’, Kyler, usual table?”

  “Mornin’, darlin’, and yeah, same table,” Ky responded.

  I lifted my head just enough to see an old gray-haired lady wearing a strange pink garment, smiling a wide smile at Ky.

  “Didn’t tell me y’all would be doing business today. I’ll have to shift some seats outta your way to give y’all some privacy,” the woman whispered as we weaved among tables filled with staring people and walked behind a separating wall to where an unset table sat on its own.

  “Ain’t got business today, Maude. Here for food and nothing else,” Ky replied.

  “Oh, okay. Give me a minute to get y’all set up.”

  There was a stretch of silence, and I risked a glance up. The woman was staring down at me and shook her head, then faced Ky.

  “You know, in all the years I’ve known you, and that’s your whole damn life, I ain’t ever seen you in here with a girl.”

  Ky shrugged and blushed slightly, which made me smile. He caught me watching him and his eyes narrowed, causing me to drop my mirthful gaze.

  The lady Ky had named Maude leaned in close, the scent of her strong perfume suffocating, and said quietly, “She ain’t no sex-trafficking victim, is she? Why’s she dressed so strange? Looks like she belongs back in the seventeen hundreds!”

  “Club business, darlin’. You know how it goes,” Ky said flatly, his jaw rigid.

  “I got no problem with you handling club business here, and didn’t when your daddy and Styx’s daddy did either. You boys always look out for me, but there are some things I ain’t happy to entertain.” She paused, then added, “The girl looks like she’s just been ripped from Utah and that weird polygamous cult. Damn beautiful face, though. Beautiful.”

  I noticed Ky had become stone at Maude’s words, but her references did not make sense to me. The word “cult” did, however, and it worried me.

  “Ain’t no sex trafficker. The Hangmen never have been and never fuckin’ will be. I’d rather murder those evil cunts than join their ranks. And where this bitch came from ain’t none of your concern. She’s with me, and that’s the fuckin’ long and short of it.”

  “All right, all right,” Maude replied, exasperated. She rubbed at Ky’s arm. “I’ll leave y’all alone and get you some menus.”

  “No need. My usual for both of us.”

  “Got it!”

  Maude’s strangely high-heeled shoes clip-clopped on the floor as she walked away.

  Ky released my hand, and I lifted my head. “Sit down, sweet cheeks,” Ky ordered. I did as I was told.

  When I scanned my sur
roundings, I noticed we were sitting at a small round table, a chair on either side. Ky sat opposite me and immediately cast an assessing gaze around the room. The people nearest our table immediately dropped their eyes and turned away.

  In fact, they looked terrified. A little girl at their table, however, could not break her gaze from mine. She looked about six years old, all innocent and pure. My stomach churned as it dawned on me that was how young I must have looked when I was sent away and deemed a Cursed.

  Two young women at the table behind were staring at Ky, and seeing my interest behind him, Ky looked back, flashing them a handsome smile. The women giggled and blushed. Ky faced me again and his eyebrows danced.

  “They were staring at you for a long time,” I said.

  “Yeah.” Ky shrugged. “Bitches cream like fuck over this face and body. It’s because I’m hot, sweet cheeks. Happens all the time.”

  My mouth gaped at his candor. I was not sure of the meaning of some of his words, but I understood his tone. “You are very vain.”

  “Nah, I’m fuckin’ honest. I’m hot as fuck and I know it. Why lie?”

  Eyes narrowing, I surmised, “You place too much value in beauty.”

  Ky scoffed and pointed at my face. “Says the most beautiful one.”

  Offended, I argued, “Beauty means nothing to me… believe me.”

  Ky shrugged again. “Because you’re beautiful. We both are. Beautiful people always say that shit about not thinking it’s important. But, Lilah, we’re both fuckin’ stunning. Ain’t no changing it.” He leaned forward and waggled his brows. “So embrace it. I do… frequently.”

  I shook my head, having nothing to say in response, and Ky smiled victoriously.

  Ky stretched his arms over his head. Catching my attention, he cracked his neck from side to side, flashed another smile, and asked, “Do you like pancakes?”

  “Pancakes?” I asked, puzzled.

  “You ain’t ever had pancakes and bacon?”

  I shook my head.

  “Damn,” he sighed out.

  From his reaction, I surmised that pancakes and bacon must very special indeed.

  At that moment, Maude returned with two mugs and a carafe of something black in her hand; it smelled lovely. As she placed the mugs down, I could feel Ky’s heavy stare watching me.

  Maude poured the liquid out in a mug for Ky, then turned to me. “Coffee, honey?”

  I looked to Ky for instruction. “Erm…”

  Maude’s eyebrows pulled down, and I caught her suspicious glance at Ky.

  “She’ll take it,” Ky answered. My shoulders sagged, feeling relief when Maude swiftly filled my mug and walked away.

  “Thank you,” I said. “I did not know what to do. I have not had to answer for myself before.”

  Placing his elbows on the table, Ky shook his head in disappointment, then asked, “You ain’t had coffee either?”

  “No. What is it?” I looked down at the hot, aromatic liquid with more than passing curiosity. The smell was so enticing, even intoxicating.

  “It’s a drink.”

  Unable to contain my laughter, a chortle spilled from my lips. “I know that much, Ky. I may not know much in this world of yours, but I can recognize a hot beverage.”

  Ky’s expression changed from indifferent, bored even, to something else… something akin to amusement. It was subtle, but it was there. His eyes softened, and then after a moment, he smiled back at me and placed his hand over mine. My laughter died down as the warmth from his skin seeped through to my bones. When I looked into his blue eyes, they too were focused on our hands.

  I should have removed my hand. It was right to do so and sinful not to do so. But I didn’t want to, and for the first time in my life, I had no one to tell me otherwise. I was under Ky’s command this day, and I must do as he wished.

  Ky was tense. I realized he was shocked at my allowing this forbidden touch. My heartbeat was as speedy as a hummingbird’s fluttering wings and an excited shiver ran up and down my spine.

  Ky’s eyes then met mine, the residue of a smile still gracing my face. His free hand reached out slowly to gently touch my lips, and he said, “That’s one hell of a good look on you, sweet cheeks.”

  “What… what is?” I asked as his hand dropped from my face.

  “That stunning fuckin’ smile. I ain’t ever seen you smile in the whole time you’ve been at the compound.”

  I lost my smile, then replied, “Because I do not have reason to smile very often.”

  Ky’s fingers began tracing the back of my hand. “Then you make a reason, Li. Don’t make excuses for living a shit life. It ain’t rocket science. You don’t like something, find something you do. Don’t like being around someone, stay the fuck away. Wanna change your life, then get off your ass, bitch and fuckin’ change it.”

  Ky gave my hand a long squeeze and said, “I know you ain’t feeling life at the club, but you also haven’t given it or anyone in it the time of day. You keep yourself caged up in that room, wallowing in grief for something that’s gone and ain’t ever coming back. You’re fuckin’ miserable, but you don’t even try to make things better. Not one of the brothers will hurt you, and if you stick to certain rules, visiting brothers and nomads won’t ever get the chance. You give Mae shit for having the balls to leave something she knew was fucked up, and you’re fuckin’ killing her by refusing or even acknowledging her help.

  “I get you think we’re all sinners, but we’re sinners that will protect y’all. You’re Mae’s sister, she’s Styx’s old lady, and that means you got club protection. And we ain’t that bad to people we let in, Li. So fuckin’ just try to make this situation you’re in better. I mean, fuck, I don’t ever get down, love my damn life, but looking at you through that window every night, as miserable as shit and glaring at us like we’re demons, even makes me wanna slit my wrists. And I’ll tell you now, I’m too fuckin’ pretty to die!”

  A dull ache throbbed in my stomach, like I’d received a harsh kick. I lowered my head, though I could not help but smile reluctantly at the joke he just made.

  He was right. He was far too pretty to die.

  Ky jerked my hand and forced me to look at him. “I don’t know in full what those fuckwits did to you, but I know enough to understand that you ain’t gonna trust folks, that you’ve been fuckin’ programmed to fear anyone that Prophet Pedo told you to avoid, but you gotta try, Li. You just gotta try.”

  Tears welled in my eyes as I considered Ky’s words. I did not have a response. I didn’t think he wanted one. He made it all seem so easy.

  “Now,” Ky said, releasing my hand, “try your fuckin’ coffee.”

  Quickly wiping my cheeks, I expelled a relieved laugh and put my slightly shaking hand on the handle of the mug. “What is in it?”

  Ky shrugged. “Caffeine.”

  I immediately put down the mug and released the handle.

  “What now?” Ky asked, frowning.

  “I am not to drink caffeine. It is a forbidden. Caffeine alters your mind and takes you away from the Lord. The Cursed are already impure, thus we must eat clean, consume nothing but natural products.”

  Ky sighed and ran his hand across his forehead. “It ain’t forbidden out here. There’s no prophet to worry about. No fuckin’ apocalypse that you taking a sip of that Joe is gonna bring.” Ky’s hand pushed the mug in my direction, and he said, “Just try it, Li. Just fuckin’ try it.”

  I stared at the offending receptacle. I was startled at the level of turmoil I was feeling. I had never deviated from Prophet David’s words or commandments. I was a true believer in the cause. But at the same time, Ky’s words played havoc with my mind. I wanted to please him. I wanted to try and live out here on the outside… at least until I was returned to The Order.

  Something within me wanted to trust him, wanted to please him.

  Clenching my hands, I shook as I gripped the handle of the mug and brought it to my lips. The closer it came, the stron
ger the rich aroma became. I closed my eyes, convincing myself to try it, when a small amount of liquid flooded my mouth.

  It was hot, bitter, sharp… and I loved it!

  Lowering the mug, Ky tipped his head to the side and said, “Well?”

  Stifling a laugh, I said, “It was good. It was very good!”

  He beamed a big smile. “Proud of you, Li. You took life by the balls.”

  Maude appeared at that moment and placed down plates filled with food I had not seen before. Ky picked up his fork and pointed at a large round item on my dish. “Pancake.”

  I panicked at what was proper decorum. I was not allowed to eat with men in the commune, it was forbidden, so I waited for further instruction.

  Ky stared at me and sighed, reaching forward and handed me the knife and fork. “Try it,” he pushed.

  I nodded in submission as he poured a sticky brown sauce on the top of the food.

  I frowned, and he said, “Try it, Li. Eat. You’re gonna fuckin’ love it. Ain’t no rules to stick to with me.” I decided to try a small bite so to not anger him, but my stomach felt in knots.

  I tried it.

  And I loved it.

  I really truly loved it.

  Chapter Seven

  Lilah

  “It is… unbelievable,” I whispered, my face almost pressed against the windowpane as I absorbed the sights. Huge buildings stood proudly side by side, some built in strange shapes, others so tall I struggled to see the top.

  The day turned out to be bright and sunny, allowing me to see everything with perfect clarity.

  “Downtown Austin, sweet cheeks. This shit’ll blow your fuckin’ mind. Good music, good vibes.”

  “I… I never knew such a place could exist. We heard stories, of course, but my imagination could never have dreamed up this spectacle.”

  People of all races, shapes, and sizes thronged the busy streets. Some were dressed sinfully, some in garments I did not begin to comprehend. Many were holding machines that Mae had told me about, “cell phones” she had called them.