The Sampler Platter: A Little Bit of Everything

by Susan Skylark

  ~Nursery Rhyme~

  Unimpeded Vision

  It was dreadful, quite awful really, and what could be done about it? All the expanse of heaven was quite unkept, a most disastrous state of untidiness abounded therein! Why one could hardly see the stars for all the dirt and grime and filth that had accumulated over the eons. Who was in charge of dusting the firmament? Whoever the housekeeper was, it seemed she had been discharged long ago and never replaced. It was a disgrace and that was the end of it. But what could one, earthbound mortal do to rectify this startling state of disarray? There was nothing for it but to apply for the position of Housekeeper of the Stars and see what came of the matter. Gertrude went back inside after gaping at the grotesque untidiness of the night sky determined to do something about it. She put on her best clothes and off she went with such a look on her face that warring armies might well step aside to let her pass.

  She was not quite sure to whom to complain about the matter or where to apply for this exalted, though long neglected, position so she went first to the local Lord, to see if he might not have some idea how to rectify the problem. If the local authorities were stymied, she was ready to apply to the King himself. She marched herself up to the front door of the elegant mansion, much to the dismay and chagrin of the servants as this behavior was far from proper, and pounded with such fervency that the butler dared not ignore her summons. Before he could drone out his platitudes and excuses in an excruciating monotone, the bold dame shouldered right past him and stalked into the depths of the house, completely mortifying the servants. She called upstairs and down, she thundered from garret to cellar, and roamed throughout the abode until she found his lordship, still in his dressing gown, blinking blearily at her over a half consumed cup of tea in his sitting room. He gazed at her in silence, not knowing what exactly this apparition was or what it might want, but certain he had never seen such a dreadful creature since the Housekeeper of his youth had passed from mortal striving.

  “Dreadful! Absolutely dreadful!” quoth she.

  His Lordship blinked and stared uneasily into his teacup, he never had the heart to stand up to the old Housekeeper and this creature might easily be her very twin.

  Continued she without pause for breath or mercy, “something must be done! Who can rectify the matter? I’ll go myself if I must! But I demand something be done!”

  Gulped his lordship, “anything you wish madam, all you need do is ask it!”

  She smiled slightly then, took an uninvited seat across from him, helped herself to biscuits and tea, and said smugly, “very good sir, very good. I wish to begin immediately.”

  His lordship gaped in distress, he had hoped to grant the martinet a boon and send her on her way, instead he feared she had just hired herself on as a member of his staff, if not as his wife! Stuttered he, “what exactly is it you want madam?”

  She turned those steely eyes upon him and he felt himself melting into the overstuffed chair beneath him, said she, “the whole state of matters is most disgraceful and I mean to amend them. I fear the position of Housekeeper has lain vacant far too long and the current state of things is quite dire. I will begin at once.”

  The chair was not voracious enough to consume his lordship entirely, mores the pity, but at least he was not now betrothed to the creature, but Housekeeper? He had a housekeeper and she was not half so intimidating, but he could not gainsay this dread woman, what was he to do? He mumbled incoherently, “but I do not need another housekeeper madam...”

  She scoffed a laugh at him, “what? I do not want to be your housekeeper sir! Really! The nerve to think that I would lower myself to such levels as housekeeping for another man when I have my own tidy cottage so well in hand! Really, sir, you go too far!” The man stared at her in perplexed relief as she brazenly continued, “nay, nay, I will be the Housekeeper of the Stars, not of this measly hermitage! What cheek! What nerve! I tell you sir, I will not stand for it! If my husband were alive...” She rattled on for some minutes and his lordship pitied the poor soul whom he knew without doubt had been henpecked to death by this intimidating biddy. “Now,” said she after taking a deep, calming breath, “to whom do I speak about applying for the position?”

  Much relieved to have this hurricane in crinolines eager to be on its way, his lordship’s nerve gathered itself together and said meekly, “perhaps the King’s astronomers will have some notion as to how to rectify the problem.” She nodded at him curtly, finished her tea, and vanished as suddenly as she had come. His lordship lay as one in a faint, joyously overwhelmed by his escape.

  Gertrude hastened herself to the capital city wherein most of the Royal Functionaries were stationed, but to her dismay and everyone else’s relief, she soon discovered that the Royal Astronomers kept their quarters far up a distant mountain, thus to be closer to their subject of interest. She hied herself thither with all the speed only a determined woman can muster and soon reached her quarry, for not even mountains could stand in her way. It was yet to be seen whether the tides would dare stand against this phenomenon, or whether there was anything in heaven or earth that could thwart her will. The Astronomers, thin, wispy haired, wide-eyed creatures all, certainly offered no resistance to whatever it was that she might propose. They knew nothing about said position and certainly did not think the stars obscured by grit and grime of late, but who were they to gainsay such a one?

  They stared awkwardly at their feet, nodding and murmuring affirmations when appropriate and when her tirade had come to its end, the head Astronomer said, “madam this is a serious matter, surely. What is it you propose?”

  She stared at this insolent mouse with her hawkish eyes and said sternly, “who then oversees the cleaning and maintenance of heaven and earth?”

  The astronomers exchanged uneasy mumblings but their leader meekly proclaimed, “such matters are beyond the wisdom of mere men such as we, madam. But perhaps you should betake yourself to the source of the problem and have a closer look upon the matter, and if things are as dire as they now appear, then you will also be in a very good position to set affairs in order.”

  “Excellent,” said that she-lion of a lady, “a most excellent idea. I will take the matter into my own hands and rectify it immediately. Bring me a broom at once!” She frowned, “but how am I to reach my destination? This mountain is not nearly high enough and I suppose no one has thought to build a staircase or ladder high enough to reach?”

  Squeaked one of the apprentices, “Master Tell has been experimenting with balloons, madam, perhaps one of his contraptions will bear you hence?”

  She stared at the creature as she might a mouse in her pantry, not comprehending him in the least, but ordered him to introduce her to this Master Tell immediately. Master Tell was sent for and as easily cowed by this bonneted thunderstorm as all the rest of them. His experiments with trapping hot air and sending small baskets aloft were quickly explained and the good dame demanded that he immediately send her into the heavens thus. He tried to explain that he had only succeeded with very small apparatuses thus far and it would be quite dangerous to attempt such a feat with so large an object as she, but thankfully he never reached this last point in his argument, for she would brook no dissension, for had he said the latter he would not have lived to see his suppositions come true. Instead he squeaked what might have been an “at once madam,” and fled the room to make his preparations.

  The broom was fetched and the basket and balloon prepared and that determined lady stood upon the summit as the first stars peeped out, ready to ascend into the heavens and challenge the grime therein to mortal combat for its insolence in obscuring the stars. All was ready and she had only to order her minions to release the ropes holding the basket to the earth. But first she put on her spectacles, that she might have an unimpeded view of what was to come. “Oh dear,” murmured she in some distress, “this certainly cannot be fathomed! How terrible, how has it come to this?
Can such a tidy person as myself truly be in possession of such dirty glasses? Oh me, oh my! You there!” She grabbed the lead astronomer’s cravat without so much as a ‘by your leave,’ and proceeded to wipe her glasses clean. She replaced them on her nose and was quite astounded by the result. “Quite!” said she, and without a further word stepped from the basket, handed back the broom, and sailed home in a state of blithe content. The astronomers and balloon master exchanged a puzzled glance, but were too relieved at her vanishment to fret much about all the trouble she had put them to or to require an explanation of her extraordinary proposal.

  Laughed she to herself as she turned in at her own door, “silly me! I forgot to clean my glasses. The stars are quite as tidy as ever, it was my own spectacles that needed the attention. If only that gossiping neighbor of mine does not find out about this...” Her mission accomplished, that good lady turned her attention to more pressing matters, such as the unruly state of the garden adjacent to her own.

  Gray goose and gander,

  Waft your wings together

  And carry the good King’s daughter

  Over the one strand river.