by L. B. Dunbar
“It’s okay.” I pat Levi’s chest. “You don’t have to know.”
Derek didn’t know what he wanted either, or perhaps he grew complacent with what he wanted. Levi stares at my face before his grows harder, edgier, and his dark eyes turn to midnight.
“I am not him,” he mutters, although I haven’t said anything. He tugs at my wrist, and then his other hand cups my cheek, and his mouth crashes to mine. Levi is fire and flame, and I’m going to get burned, but I give in to the warmth of his lips as the heat of his tongue thrusts into my mouth. He kisses me like that man in the alley, wanting something from me that my twenty-year-old heart didn’t understand then and still doesn’t. With his hand at the nape of my neck, he holds me to him, kissing me with everything in him until a throat clears nearby, and we break apart.
Only Levi doesn’t let me go. He holds my nape and presses his forehead to mine.
“Just wanted to say good night,” Lys says, her voice small, and I close my eyes, hating myself. She’s going to be hurt just like me tonight, and it’s all over a boy who’s now a man but still too charming for his own good.
10
[Levi]
I have so fucked up, and even spilling out my feelings has not made it right. Lys kissing me was an awkward accident, and it didn’t mean a thing. Kissing Katie is ripping my heart out because she’s not listening to me. I want her. I don’t know how to make it work or why it’s happening now, but I need us to be together.
She excuses herself after Lys’s interruption, but I don’t want her to go. However, she quickly disappears into the house, and Lys comes to sit by me as I’ve fallen back into the chair where I sat.
“It’s always been her, hasn’t it?”
“I don’t even know what that means,” I admit.
“Levi, when you first came home after you’d been hurt, you were all kinds of doped up and muttering, and it was always her name on your lips. In the recesses of your mind, she was there for you. Leon ignored it, but I heard it clear as day at times.”
Guilt riddles me as Tricia and Leon came to Maryland to claim me once I returned. They helped me get settled in Florida when I refused to come home. Lys came down as well to relieve Tricia, who had to get back to teaching and her kids. Leon’s boss gave him more leeway. When I was shipped home, Katie had just graduated college, but I was in no condition to see her, consider her. In the four years I’ve been back in the States, I’ve had extensive therapy both mentally and physically, along with rehabilitation in Tennessee, and then my limited time with Alicia. I’ve been a hot mess, but something about being here and being near her has settled me. I feel like I’m rounding a bend.
“I’m sorry.” I apologize to Lys because I never meant to hurt her. We were friends in high school. I looked out for her. I wanted her friendship more than her crush, and I felt like she needed mine. She was quiet and shy, and new to town. As time went on, she was more like a sister, and I didn’t want to cross any lines. I’ve always felt like she settled on her husband, and I’ve felt guilty about that as well because I think she was looking for someone like me. Her man was not it.
“I was a teenage fool when it came to you,” she whispers. “And I’m sorry if earlier I made things awkward. It was an accident.”
“That’s what I said,” I retort, and the emphatic response causes an instant reaction in Lys. I’ve hurt her. I hold out my hand, and Lys takes it, linking her fingers with mine.
Lys is married, and that’s a line neither of us would ever cross. The vows of marriage are sacred to me, and I respect them even though my friend’s heart aches. She didn’t do anything wrong, but a single tear seeps out the corner of her eye.
“I just want someone to look at me like you look at her,” she whispers. I’m not sure how I look at Katie, but I know what Lys means—someone to look at you like you hang the moon.
As we sit there holding hands, a throat clears. “Am I interrupting anything?” I turn to find Tricia standing outside the back door. My heart drops at the misunderstanding on her face. Squeezing Lys’s hand, I bring it to my lips to kiss her knuckles before letting her go.
“I’m going up,” Lys mutters, standing from her chair and crossing to Tricia. They hug although Tricia looks at me over Lys’s shoulder. Once Lys enters the house, Tricia comes to sit by me.
“Interesting evening,” she says, looking out at the lake, wrapping her arms around herself. I love this woman like the mother I never had, but she’s also like a pain in the ass older sister sometimes.
“Just say what’s on your mind,” I blurt, bracing myself.
“What’s going on with you and Lys?”
My head rolls against the back of the chair as I stare at Tricia. “You don’t really think I’d be having an affair with Lys under your nose while she’s married, right?”
Tricia sighs, shaking her head. “I’m sorry. We’re just struggling. We know she and Carlos are on shaky ground right now, and we just don’t want anyone to get hurt. Don’t be stupid up here, Levi.”
Instantly, I dislike her warning. “You have very little faith in me, and I don’t like the implication for Lys.”
Tricia reaches over for my wrist and wraps her hand around it. “You’re right.” She pauses, letting her apology linger. “I just know you. You’re looking for love in all the wrong places.” It sounds like an old love song.
“I’m not looking for love at all,” I mock.
“Levi,” she mutters, peering at me. “We’re all looking for love when we don’t have it. When we feel we don’t deserve it, we still want it. Even you, tough guy.”
I snort. I’m hardly tough. I’m broken. I’m messed up in the head, and I want a woman I can’t have.
“I don’t think love is in the cards for me.”
“The deck always has a queen of hearts, Levi. She’s just hasn’t made it into your hand.”
“I think I’m the joker, pulled from the deck.”
“Don’t talk like that. We both know life hasn’t always been easy, but it hasn’t always been terrible either. You have AJ.” She aims a smile at me as she leans toward me. “And you have me.”
“You’re a pain in the ass.”
“But you love me,” she says, still smiling. “And I love you, Levi. I’ve always wanted what’s best for you, even if I couldn’t always give it to you.”
When Tricia left my brother, she wanted to take me with her. She told me how guilty she felt for leaving me behind, but I wasn’t her child, and my father was still alive. She couldn’t just take me, but she wanted to, and I believe her. Hearing her tell me she loves me always does something to me.
“I love you, too,” I whisper, finding the words hard to share and rarely passing between my lips. I told Alicia I loved her, but I loved that she was the mother of my child, not her directly.
“Whoever she is, she’s out there. I believe that.” Tricia leans even closer to me, lowering her voice. “A good woman waits for you. She’ll be decent for you and AJ, because you’re a package deal now. You’ll know when you find her, baby.”
My heart clatters because I have found her. I know who she is. Now I just need to convince her that I’m here for her, even if I am who I am—a man, not a hero.
+ + +
The next morning, I catch Katie before she goes for a run. Her hesitation gives me pause, but I’m determined to spend more time with her. I put AJ in the stroller and then second-guess myself.
“I don’t want to slow you down.” My eyes drift to the stroller as we reach the end of the driveway.
“You won’t.” She’s quiet, and I’d like to attribute it to the morning. Some people are just foggy, but it feels like more than that.
As we start our jog, I can’t find words, so I just appreciate the quiet and listen to the roll of AJ’s stroller over the pavement. Katie keeps pace with me although she could probably run a lot faster.
“What exactly do you do in Florida?” she finally asks me.
“I’ve al
ready told you I work in IT. It’s nothing special. I collect data, analyze it, and report back to the boss.” It’s a little more complicated than that, but the long version would sound just as dull.
“Do you enjoy your job?”
“It’s a job. I think that’s clarified in the word job.”
“What would you do instead? If you could do something different, what would you like it to be?”
The question surprises me as it’s not something I’ve thought too much about. I like my job well enough, but I meant what I said, it’s a job. It pays my bills, barely. I hate to admit I’m more qualified than what I’m doing. I have to take into consideration that I need the flexibility offered in my position because of daycare. I’d love to find another job, but I can’t give up the benefits of what I have where I work.
“I’d love to do something more meaningful, I guess. It isn’t that an analyst isn’t important, it’s just not . . . fulfilling.” I pause a second. “I don’t know how to explain it,” I mutter when I find I don’t know how to tell her that I miss the thrill of working for the military. Processes felt more relevant, more in demand, more necessary. Lives depended on what we learned and how we applied it. It’s a little different than analyzing purchase patterns or collecting email addresses.
“I get that. It’s why I love physical therapy. I feel like I’m really making a difference in someone’s life.”
She’s so incredible. “Why did you go into physical therapy in the first place?”
“I thought I’d be a speech pathologist. I wanted to work with children who had speech impediments like I did as a child, but then I just switched. I took a PT pre-rec in kinetic energy, and I was just hooked on how the body moves. We’re amazing machines.”
My eyes drift to her keeping pace next to me, and I want to tell her how her body is an amazing machine. She has it all—firm abs, sweet breasts, long legs—but it’s more than her body that makes her perfect. I like how she thinks, how she loves her family, and how she’s accepting of others. She’s been good to AJ and me all week, and I don’t want to give up how I feel when I’m around her.
“What else do you do in Florida?”
I shrug. “Like what? Hang with friends?”
“Sure. Do you have a large friend base there? Do you date often? Are you tied to the place?”
My head completely turns in her direction for a second. “Katie, I don’t date.” Period. This needs to be clarified. “There hasn’t been a woman in my life since Alicia left, and that was months ago. Before that, we were at odds with each other, so we weren’t physically involved, in case you were wondering.” I tease a little, and she smirks at me.
“Just in case,” she mutters with a short laugh.
“As for friends, it’s kind of hard with AJ. I have a few buddies with kids, but it’s awkward being the single guy with couples, and then it’s awkward being the dad guy with single friends. I don’t exactly have a fit, but every once in a while, I go out.” It sounds kind of pathetic when I think about it. I work a forty-hour week and come home to my quiet apartment with my baby boy. We don’t have a large friend base, and no one in the group matches us—single dad with an infant.
“If you could live anywhere, where would it be?”
“Easy, a small farm with some land. Give me a horse or two with it, and I’d be a happy man.” I’m smiling as I tell her my dream. I look at properties all the time and think, Someday.
“What about you?” I ask. “Want to live someplace other than where you’re at?”
She chuckles lightly. “I actually like Grand Rapids. It’s a nice mix of city and country. I could deal with a smaller town, though. Especially after being up here, I find I miss the slower pace, but I love my job. I’m where I’m supposed to be.”
I don’t need to ask about her dating life. I already know where she stands.
“You probably have tons of friends, party girl.”
“I have close friends but not a big friend group. I’m also close to my family.” I already know this about her, and she admits it freely. She’s tight with her parents and good to her siblings despite their age difference.
“Speaking of family, what’s the plan today?”
Katie chuckles. “Another girls’ only day. Mom, Daisy, and I are going shopping in Traverse City. Mom wants a little time with just us. Aren’t you guys planning something for the afternoon?”
“I can’t keep up.” I laugh. “Tricia has things planned down to the minute.” She’s a teacher, and she works by schedules and charts. It’s something I love about her.
“So you’ll be gone most of the day.” The unspoken question lingers. When will I see her? When can I spend time with her?
“Yeah, but we’ll be back for dinner. I know the parents are going to Town Tavern as if that isn’t already a thing they do every Thursday.” Some twenty-plus years and the older siblings still meet up on Thursday nights to have a drink. They claim it left Friday nights free for families and Saturday open for date night. I like the tradition although I was too young to participate when I lived here. “The rest of us are going to Half Rack.”
Half Rack microbrewery has become pretty popular over the years. They have a factory in town and a patio with outdoor service, while their main bar, restaurant, and store are in Liberty.
“Are you coming tonight?” God, how I want to misread that question and answer yes, yes, I want to come with her. I want to taste her again and have her touch me. I want her so badly it hurts in more than one place. My fingers, my tongue, my lips all want a chance to explore her, and the sound of her, the taste of her haunt my thoughts. My dick couldn’t settle last night. Most of all, my heart longs for more with her.
“I’ll be there,” I say, straining to get my lusty thoughts under control.
+ + +
For some reason, Katie’s questions about my life have me thinking too hard. In the late afternoon, while AJ is napping, I take a quiet moment to sit on the stone patio in the heat of the sunshine. The trees surrounding the house provide some filtered shade, and a nice breeze rolls off the lake.
“Beer for your thoughts,” Tricia says to me, falling into the chair next to mine after handing me a beer.
“Thanks.” I shrug, not needing another sisterly intervention speech like last night.
“It’s so beautiful here,” she says, looking out over the scene. Tricia lives in town and can view the lake often enough if she walks the few blocks to the public beach. However, it’s not quite the same as a house butting up to water with an unobstructed view or the absence of noise from a town. “It’s so peaceful.”
She sighs, content by the quiet, while I sometimes curse the silence of home. AJ is too young to speak, and some days, the silence unnerves me. It’s lonely. Sitting here, though, I’m overcome by a different sense—silent calm.
“We’ve missed you,” Tricia says, adding to the tens of times she’s already said it since I’ve been here. “It’s different than when you were in the military. It’s like I knew you were unobtainable, off wherever you were, and the missing mixed with worry and fear. This missing is the fact you’re back but still too far away.”
I snort. She’s so sentimental at times. “I could never live here again.”
“Really?” Her head shoots up, and she glances over at me. “Somehow, I’d always hoped you’d find your way back.” Her head tips back, and she closes her eyes to the filtered sunlight.
“What would I even do here?” I tease, but the question isn’t a total joke. Since Katie’s questions this morning, I’ve been wondering if I could do something else, somewhere else.
If you could live anywhere, where would it be? My answer was so quick about land and horses, but it didn’t have to be in Florida. In fact, I’d been thinking more and more about Randall Ranch, and the possibility of land in the Midwest. I don’t know that I could afford anything here, but it’s a nice thought. Because, just like Tricia’s saying about me, I miss her too. I miss hanging
out with Leon and his boys. I miss Lys and our friendship. And I’ll miss Katie all over again once I leave.
“What if I did come back?”
Tricia sits forward again, shifting her entire body to face me. Her expression is so bright she almost blinds me with her excitement.
“Easy,” I tease. “I’m just saying what if. I can’t live with you and Leon, and I don’t even know if I could afford what I’d want.” My own home. Some land. Horses.
“But we could help you.”
“I don’t need help.” I collect military disability, plus my pay.
“I mean, we could help you with AJ. You’d have family to give you a break or hang out with us. We’re cool.” She wiggles her brows. The Carter-Ramirez clan is amazing, but I don’t know that I’d want to hang out with them every Thursday at Town Tavern.
“I don’t know,” I say, squinting out at the dark water.
“Why do you have to tease me so? You’re cruel,” she admonishes, blowing off her disappointment, but I detect a hint underneath that she’d really like me to come home.
Home.
It’s so strange to think of this place as such a thing. Tricia would be the first to tell me that home isn’t a place you live but wherever your heart beats. And this week, my heart has been beating triple time in this small town. It’s the people around me. It’s Tricia and Leon, Lys and the Ramirez crew.
It’s Katie. It always comes back to her.
“I’d have to have a pretty compelling reason to return here,” I warn Tricia, knowing just what that reason could be, even as it seems impossible.
“Hmm. I think you already do,” she teases, falling back in her chair. “Search that deck of cards, Levi. The queen of hearts is within reach.”
11
