by L. B. Dunbar
[Katie]
After a day with Daisy and Mom, I’m ready to go out. I love my little sister, but she’s spoiled. Mom spent a small fortune on her for her return to high school this fall, and it took hours longer because Daisy was upset her body isn’t shaped like mine. I hate how as women we all have a perfect image in mind, and it’s never the body we already own.
Tonight, I’m spending time with the cousins, or at least those old enough to go to Half Rack. Hops farms, breweries, and wineries have had a huge growth in the area over the last decade or so, says my dad, and it’s been good for the area if you’re a beer lover or wine enthusiast. At Half Rack’s patio bar outside their factory, they only serve beer. I’m enjoying a summer shanty, which has a hint of lemonade in it. The night is beautiful but cool, meaning fall is right around the corner.
The college-aged cousins will be leaving home soon. The high school kids will return to school, and Levi will go home. I don’t want to think about it, although I’ve been thinking of him all day. It was difficult to discourage talk of Derek earlier, especially with Daisy’s ears listening. She never liked him anyway, so she wasn’t too upset to learn we’d broken up. Mom just wanted more details, but I cut that off at each question asked.
Either way, it’s been a long day, and I’m enjoying a summer ale or two. It might be three as I’ve lost count once I see Kevin Mueller, a guy I went to high school with. Kevin was one of those mysterious boys who was a bit different in high school, but you knew one day, he’d be someone special. He’s grown into a very attractive man, and his sheepish grin could melt panties if mine weren’t already melting for someone else.
Kevin bought me a beer, and we stood near the counter doing that awkward small talk of shoving years into minutes, shortening family lives into sentences, and saying good, good every other second. By the time I return to the picnic table where my family sits, I’ve almost finished the beer he purchased for me.
“Old friend?” Levi mutters as he sits next to me. My cousin Maggie is babysitting AJ tonight. Levi’s leg presses into mine under the table, and it’s difficult to sit still, wanting to run my hand up his thigh or better yet, have his coasting up mine. I ache in a way I haven’t in years, and after the other night and restless dreams, I want another chance at Levi tasting me and me getting to taste him. So much was said last night, but I felt tense and distanced this morning while we ran together. I don’t want us to be separated before we officially leave, but time is passing quickly.
“He seems . . . friendly,” Levi adds. I follow Levi’s gaze as he watches Kevin. Kevin has a hand swiping through his rich dark hair while he’s looking in our direction but speaking to another girl.
“I went to high school with him. He was a bit of an outsider then, but he’s definitely changed.”
“Easy there, girl. You might have some drool right here.” Levi leans over to swipe the corner of my lips. “You should go out with him.”
The comment startles me and also pisses me off a little bit. I turn to face Levi. “Don’t do that.”
“Don’t what?” Levi asks, lifting his beer for a drink.
“Don’t try to set me up with other people.” It isn’t fair, considering I just broke up with Derek, and it hurts, considering Levi and I have been kissing and connecting this week. I pull my leg back from where it brushes his.
“I’m not. I’m just pointing out that he looks like he has a nice coat of hair and good teeth. It’s something you’d inspect before purchasing a horse.”
“Don’t be an ass,” I mock, my tone a little bitter at his sarcasm. However, Levi laughs good-naturedly and rubs a hand up my back, cupping his fingers around the nape of my neck and giving it a squeeze. Too quickly, he retracts his hand, returning it to curl around his mug of beer.
“Why are you being like this?” I whisper, tucking hair behind my ear.
“Like what?” he asks, keeping his eyes forward when I risk a glance at him.
“Like you want me to be with someone else.”
Slowly, Levi turns his head to face me. His eyes roam my body, making no effort to hide how he’s checking me out.
“I don’t. It’s just . . . why would you be with someone like me? I’m a single dad with messed up body parts and a not so great job. I have good teeth, but that’s about it.” He smiles wide to emphasize his point. “Even I don’t want to be with me.”
“Don’t say all that. AJ is amazing. Your leg is no big deal, and as for a job, then make a change. Quit and find something else.”
“Ah, easy for you to say, successful college girl.”
“Don’t put yourself down,” I warn him. I don’t like this self-deprecating attitude this evening, and I’m wondering where it’s coming from. We talked about his job this morning, and he sounds very unhappy with it. I understand job security, but Levi’s young, and IT is a very marketable skill. He could find another job anywhere. Would he consider moving here? It’s a question I’m afraid to even ponder.
“Not putting myself down,” Levi mutters. “Just stating some facts.”
I don’t like this right now, and I’ve just spent the day fighting my own self-deprecating thoughts about Derek and myself. I can’t listen to Levi speak poorly about himself.
“I’m getting another beer,” I say, struggling to untangle myself from the picnic table. Levi follows my retreat from the table, but I don’t look back at him. If he doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t need to push me onto someone else. However, that doesn’t make any sense, considering his words last night.
Here I stand before the woman I’ve held in my dreams, forcing away the nightmares.
In the next breath, though, he admitted he didn’t know what he wanted from me.
I’m already sipping my beer as I sway back to the table. Four is three too many, and the next thing I know, Levi is helping me into the house and up the stairs. I trip as my feet feel too heavy, and we tumble on the steps. Catching myself, I flip as best as I can, looking up at the ceiling while my lower back uncomfortably rests against the riser. My feet dangle several steps lower.
“Why didn’t he love me enough?” I mutter to the dark above my head.
“Oh, Katie girl. Let’s get you to bed,” Levi mutters beside me, and then he’s over me, trying to lift me under my armpits. I roll again, helping myself to stand with Levi as a guide at my back. We’re like three-legged partners, working our way awkwardly up the staircase, and I start to giggle at the thought. When we stand outside my bedroom door, my hand reaches for the knob, but I don’t open it. Instead, I rest my forehead against the wood.
“What’s wrong with me, Levi?” I mutter. Why didn’t Derek love me? I know Mom says perhaps he wasn’t the right one for me and not the other way around, but it’s hard to accept.
“You’re fucking perfect, sweet girl. It was all him, not you.”
I nod against the door until it opens before me. Thankfully, I’m caught around the waist before I face plant at the missing barrier, keeping me upright.
“Let’s tuck you in, party girl.”
“I’m not a girl,” I mumble.
“No, baby. You’re all woman,” Levi says behind me. As we stand at the edge of the bed, I allow myself to fall forward, face-first into the mattress. My body is shifted so my head nears the pillows, and my feet are freed of my flip-flops. Levi lifts my head and tucks the pillow underneath it, and I reach out for his wrist. There’s so much I’d like to say, so much I want to tell him, but I’m drunk. I’ll regret this in the morning, and I might regret any admission I give him as well. So, silently, I clutch at his wrist, tugging gently at it, hoping he understands that I need him.
“I’m not going anywhere, sweet Katie,” he says. “I’m right here.”
After that, I’m out.
12
[Levi]
She is so drunk, but thankfully, not sloppy. She doesn’t throw up, which surprises me, but she’s out cold. I want to help myself to sleep next to her. I want to comfort
her from her distressing questions.
Why didn’t he love me enough? What’s wrong with me?
Jesus, does she not understand she’s perfect like I told her? He’s the fool, but I’m not cursing him. His unfortunate blindness at her perfection could be to my benefit, and I’m grateful he’s stupid. I check on AJ and grab the baby monitor, then return to Katie’s bed. I don’t want anything to happen to her, and I keep my distance, but my hand stretches forward, landing on her lower back. Just touching her grounds me, and I fall asleep.
When I wake with a start, I’m wrapped around her. She doesn’t stir—neither in her sleep nor as I pull myself from the bed—and I exit her room in the early hours of the morning with only a momentary glance back. I’d like to sleep with her every night for the rest of my life. The thought makes me a selfish man, but I’d consider myself the luckiest man if it happened.
Friday is definitely the pre-game to the weekend celebration of Tom’s birthday. The party is Saturday night at The Red Barn, a bright red barn on the property of Ethan Scott’s restaurant, The Red Barn Table. It’s a place for weddings and receptions, and I remember the annual Halloween party being hosted there when I was in high school.
Regardless, I’m feeling both the excitement of the upcoming celebration and the dread of this week ending too soon. On Sunday, I’ll be back on a plane, heading to Florida with just AJ and me, and while these days have been a lot of togetherness and chaos, I’ve enjoyed being surrounded by people I love and who love me in return.
Today’s plan is boating for all with a cookout at Tom’s home. He has a boat off his property on Elk Lake, and Gavin Scott has the same, so the two plan to meet up at Tom’s and take people in waves, every pun intended, out on the lake for tubing time and boat riding.
Unfortunately, Katie’s quiet. It could be the hangover she’s silently nursing, but I’m worried it’s more. She isn’t ignoring me as much as keeping her distance, and I don’t like it. We get separated often as groups are segregated by age—bloody teenagers—or gender—which feels chauvinistic—but eventually, I find myself on Gavin’s boat with Katie, and it’s time for my turn to tube. While Gavin’s been allowing people to go as singles, the tube is big enough for two riders.
“Come with me,” I challenge Katie. If the only way I can get close to her in that bikini is on a rubber raft, I’ll take it. We need to talk, but there’s no time with the chaos and clusters around us.
“Okay,” she hesitantly accepts, and we gear up for the tube. I hold onto it so Katie can hop on from the back of the boat, and then I climb on myself. Our arms need to crisscross to hold the hand straps, and when our skin makes contact, I want to forget the tube time and just talk to her.
At first, she doesn’t speak as Gavin pulls forward, and his son loosens the rope, giving us distance from the boat.
“I’m sorry about last night,” she mutters to the water as we float away from the craft.
“Don’t even mention it,” I tease. “I’ve been in that position myself a time or two.”
She softly laughs, and I’m hoping it’s the end of her standoffishness.
“They’re going to try to dump us,” Katie warns. “It’s going to be payback for all those years babysitting Gavin’s little hellions.” Katie cautiously laughs as the rope tightens, and we begin the ride. She was right. Gavin is a madman driver, and we bounce all over the place with her screams and laughter as background. It’s a beautiful summer day with sunshine and cool water to take off the heat.
“I’m slipping,” Katie yells, laughter still in her voice, and I hook my leg over hers. It’s only partial, but I’m hoping it does the trick to keep her on the tube. I’m also hoping she isn’t freaked out by it. She hasn’t been repulsed yet, and while I don’t typically care what others think, I care what she does. When I first met Alicia, she loved the whole sleeping with the wounded warrior schtick, and then she didn’t. My injury bothered her, which in turn made me more self-conscious about it.
“Hang on!” I holler over the roar of the engine and the hard pulse of water bouncing us everywhere. Eventually, Gavin turns sharp, though. Katie and I collide somehow, and off we both go. The water is a refreshing shock, and I quickly pop up through the surface. The tube pulls forward, and I see the boat turning into the circle it needs to take to come back to us. It’s then that I search the water for Katie and don’t see her.
“Katie,” I call out, spinning as quickly as I can while treading water. Not finding her in the near vicinity, I spin again, crying out even louder. My gaze leaps to the boat, where I see Gavin’s boy calling over his shoulder to his dad. Gavin keeps his turn steady, but he’s scanning the water as well. I dive down.
Holy fuck, it’s dark, and other than the glow of the sunshine rippling at the surface, I can’t see anything. I don’t even know what direction to swim. I just take a chance and go right as that’s the direction we flipped. Paranoid that I hit her as I know we collided somehow, I’m suddenly worried I hit her in the head and knocked her out.
Breaking the surface, I take a quick breath and dive again, frantically turning my head left and right in hopes of finding her. My lungs are burning, and my heart races. The water around me does nothing to soothe my panic. I break the surface once more with a loud, “Fuck,” before diving once more. Somehow, I sense the boat near, but I’m still looking everywhere, worried Gavin clocked her because I can’t see her. I can’t find her in the dark water. I don’t know where she is.
I push upward, preparing to take a fortifying breath when I hear my name yelled as I clear the surface, and I choke on the air I intended to fill my lungs. Spinning around, I see the boat is behind me, and Katie’s sitting on the deck near the ladder.
“Levi.” She waves until she sees my face. “What’s wrong?”
I don’t move. Suddenly, I can’t swim. Blood rushes through my veins, but my body doesn’t function.
“Uncle Gavin,” Katie yells. “Pull up to him. Levi, hang on.”
The fear in her face has my concern growing, and I attempt a few strokes to pull myself forward. Gavin cuts the engine, and Katie stands on the edge of the boat, ready to dive in.
“I’m almost there,” I say, moving as fast as my body will allow, which isn’t fast enough. As I near the back deck, Katie holds out a hand, but I ignore it, pulling myself upright with the ladder.
“What happened?” she says to me, fear dancing in her eyes. As soon as I can, I toss myself on the flat surface and struggle to stand. My legs are shaky. My lungs burn. Katie steps farther onto the boat, allowing me space to stand, and when I do, I lunge for her, tugging her to me.
Her hands slip under my arms and wrap around my back. I press her to me, squeezing her against my body.
“I thought I lost you,” I choke out near her ear, still shaking with the adrenaline rush of the ride and the surge of fear that she’d slipped into the darkness of the water.
“It’s okay,” she murmurs, her voice muffled into my chest. “I’m okay.” She presses a kiss near my heart, which I’m certain she can feel pounding under my skin.
“Let’s sit down,” she says, not addressing the tremor to my body. I swipe a hand over my hair but keep my arm around her, hopping as she guides me only a foot to the back bench.
“You okay, man?” Gavin says, and I look up to find everyone watching us. I should release Katie, but I’m still clinging to her, arm hooked over her shoulder, holding her against me.
“Yeah, I’m good.” It’s a lie. I just need a minute.
“What happened?” Katie asks, shifting only a little as I’m not allowing her to move away from me.
“I just . . . fuck, I panicked.” I turn to her, sitting forward and searching her face. My hands reach for the sides of her head before one slips to the back of it. “Did I hurt you? Did I hit you? I felt us collide.”
“I don’t know. I think we just knocked heads, or my head hit your shoulder.”
“Were you drowning?” I’m freaking the fuck
out that she lost consciousness, although she’s sitting right next to me.
“I’m fine. I was just stunned, but I quickly righted myself.” Her eyes search mine. “I’m right here.”
Fuck, I want to kiss her. My fingers twitch at the back of her head, desperate to pull her to me and crush her mouth, breathe her air, and assure myself she’s really fine. Instead, I press a too quick kiss to her forehead. Hesitantly, Katie glances up at me before she curls under my arm and wraps her arms around me again. Placing her head on my shoulder, I wrap my arm around her back. Gavin watches us before slowly smiling, as if he understands.
“Okay, who’s next?” he calls out, addressing the rest of the boat and drawing the attention away from us. His teenage boys volunteer, and his wife, Britton, walks up to him, pressing a kiss to his neck. He wraps his arm around her while they watch their boys buckle into life vests. Maybe they understand even more than I know.
With all the focus back on the next round of tubers, I turn and kiss Katie’s forehead again, letting my lips linger longer than necessary. It’s the best I can give when I really want to take her down to this bench seat and bury myself in her. I want to be connected to her in the way only two people can, but I’ll settle for this—her at my chest with our arms wrapped around one another as if we’ll never let the other go.
+ + +
As it nears dinnertime, the boats pull up to Tom’s dock, and all riders exit for his large backyard filled with only family, which is still a crew. I can’t imagine the party tomorrow night, and it makes me a bit nervous as I don’t do well with crowds.
Once on land, I follow Katie, afraid to let her out of my sight, and I’m constantly touching her as though she’ll disappear if I don’t. My fingers drag down her side or hold her waist just over her hip. Or my hand circles her wrist, just hanging onto her. Or our fingers brush, entangling for a squeeze before separating. If it wasn’t so Neanderthal, I’d tug her onto my lap and just keep her with me. However, her dad is eyeing me again, and I know he’s seeing something, at least from me.
