by Amber Ruffin
Lacey: Well at least when it’s cold, you can get warm with layers.
Lady: I hate layers.
Lacey: I like chocolate.
Lady: I hate sweets! I do not eat desserts. I mean, maybe sometimes. But just, like, key lime pie, banana cream pie, root-beer floats, whipped cream, fruit pie, glazed doughnuts, blueberry cake doughnuts, and cheesecake. But normally I don’t like desserts.
That is exactly what she said. Lacey wrote it down word for word. It is a complete list of sweets. She does not hate any sweets. Her list of sweets that she likes is a complete list of sweets that exist.
A man delivered a package. It was very important. No one could find it. They asked Lacey who the delivery guy was. “There’s only two people who deliver here. Was he the old guy or the young guy?” The lady is not a part of this conversation. She is chiming in from across the room.
Them: Is he the old guy or the young guy?
Lacey: Oh, he had to be the old guy.
Lady: I wouldn’t call him old.
Lacey: Okay. Well, he was sixty-plus.
Lady: That’s not old.
Lacey: Can I say anything that you would agree with? Anything I say, you disagree with. Is there anything I could say that you would agree with?
The lady walked away. She did not care for Lacey’s attitude. This day, it was smart of her to walk away.
It’s just Lacey and the lady in a room waiting for a meeting to start.
Lacey: Good morning!
Lady: …
(After six minutes of sitting in silence)
Lady: I’m not talking to you. But it’s because I don’t talk to anyone.
There was a news story about an Uber driver kidnapping a woman.
Lady: Did you see that Black guy kidnapping women from his Uber? If I saw that Black guy, I would have never gotten in his car.
So this woman has never had a Black Uber driver? What happens if she calls one? She just doesn’t get in? She eats the five-dollar cancellation fee and just takes the next one? I have had a grand total of four white Uber drivers in my life, so good luck.
Portrait of an HR Woman
Who Is a Full Piece of Shit
What would happen if the HR woman at Lacey’s office made racist comments day in and day out? Nothing!
This woman, let’s call her Nancy, was the bane of Lacey’s existence. Here’s how she got hired. Early in this job, Lacey was in the meeting when they were hiring an HR person. There were two candidates, Nancy and a perfect man who was overqualified. He talked about different situations and how he would resolve issues of sexism and racism. He was so smart and sharp, it never occurred to Lacey he wouldn’t be hired. Instead, they hired the woman who was a little dumb and boring. Lacey asked a coworker why the guy she liked didn’t get hired. “Oh, you mean the gay one?” Aaaaand there you have your answer. But really, it makes no sense that she was hired. And to make sure you get how insane the decision to pay this woman to be around other people was, we are going to tell you nine stories about her. We have given each story a title that, while it makes no sense, makes more sense than her being hired.
Story One: Sudoku Fun
At this terrible job, when someone is hired, you take them out for lunch. So they all took Nancy out to a restaurant. That sounds fun because, hey, free food. But going to a restaurant with shitty people from your job is unpleasant at best. Because at work, when someone says something crazy, you can just walk away. But being stuck in a booth with all of the higher-ups is much more tricky. Now, at this job, the more money you make, the more racist you are. That may be the case at a lot of jobs. You know what? I’m gonna go ahead and say that is likely the case at most jobs. At this particular dinner, it was Lacey, Nancy, and folks from corporate. Racist, racist corporate.
Here’s how the conversation went. Everyone says what kind of food they like. Everyone names different kinds of food. Someone says, Indian food. Nancy goes, “I hate Indian food. I can’t stand the smell of it.” Now, I don’t know if you can see where this is going immediately, but Lacey can. The very next thing this idiot says is “Indians are dirty.” So Lacey responds, “Oh! How are Indians dirty?” Nancy replies, “Well, I had an Indian neighbor who had the worst lawn.”
Lacey: And tell me how that’s dirty.
Nancy: He didn’t know how to mow it.
Lacey: Tell me how that’s dirty.
Nancy: Well, he tried to mow his lawn and his lawn mower would go ’round and ’round and finally my husband had to help him.
Lacey: So? I don’t know how to use the lawn mower. I hire someone to mow my lawn. Am I dirty?
Nancy: No.
Lacey: Did he learn how to use the mower?
Nancy: Yes.
Lacey: Well then, your story makes no sense. If not understanding how to use your lawn mower and then becoming good at it means you’re dirty, all of us are dirty.
The topic abruptly changed to burgers.
This was the beginning of the opposite of a beautiful friendship. Here are just a few fun stories from Nancy, a real-life HR person who worked at a real company in the 2010s. THE LATE 2010s. IN AMERICA.
Story Two: Zoobamafoo!
Nancy came into Lacey’s office while Lacey was having a lovely conversation with a white colleague of theirs.
Lovely is a strong word. How about fine?
They were having a fine talk when Nancy barged in on their conversation to start a conversation about Trump. And not with Lacey, the person whose office it was, but with the white person Lacey was talking to. To be clear, she came into Lacey’s office and started a conversation with the person Lacey was talking to. The person whose office it wasn’t. She said, “Thank god Trump is building that wall because we are letting in all the ants.” This woman came into Lacey’s office to talk about Mexican people being “ants.” It wouldn’t be long before Lacey was fired. Lacey knew exactly who this lady was. She’s kind of hard to explain. Nancy was a solid racist with hints of “getting off on treating minorities poorly” and overtones of “seeking out minorities to shit on them.” She just wants to feel superior. So enduring this job would be the classic game of “Try to stay on this side of whipping boy.” Lacey will stay here and look for another job while she prepares to lose this job.
Story Three: A Can of Pee
Nancy would greet everyone in the room in every meeting. Except for Lacey and Cindy, the Hispanic lady who worked there. The ten other people in the room were each greeted by name. This happened every day.
Story Four: Jersey Shore
Nancy has trouble telling Black employees apart. It’s as jarring as it is hilarious. She gets people’s names wrong a lot. Whenever this happens I always think, How is this person functioning in the world? Like, when they watch TV, do they think, Why does Barack Obama host Family Feud?
Story Five: A Big Beehive
They’re on a conference call with a lady from corporate HR. They’re trying to get an ad put in an employment agency newsletter. Before the call starts, Nancy says, “Listen to this woman try to talk. Ugh. She is ignorant and she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s not smart enough to be in this position and, worst of all, she’s fake sugary sweet. You know? You can tell she’s just pretending to be nice.” Lacey knew immediately she would be a Black woman. Nancy hates that this lady has a nice job. Technically, she’s Nancy’s boss. She can’t stand it. Nancy wishes she had that job. The call begins. This woman is perfect. Superprofessional and knowledgeable. So Lacey starts asking this lady questions that Nancy should be able to answer but can’t. Just to make sure Nancy knows she truly sucks a butt. It’s not a nice thing to do, but it feels great!
Story Six: Now on Netflix
The Hispanic girl was always asked to go pick up lunch orders for people and serve them. This was NOT her job. But she was Hispanic, so it was. Then one day they called Lacey and said, “Cindy’s sick. Can you go get food?” Lacey said, “No. That’s not my job.”
Story Seven: Michael Bivins2
Cindy caught on very, very slowly. She warned Lacey of possible racism: “I think they’re singling us out! I…I think we’re gonna get fired!” This child was just discovering racism; meanwhile Lacey had already cleared out her desk.
Story Eight: Watergate
Lacey had to pick up supplies downtown and just so happened to see some Cinco de Mayo festivities! She came back to work and said how delighted she was to have gotten a glimpse of the parade. Their reply was so insane that afterward, she immediately ran to her desk to write it down:
“Going to Mexico is one thing because you’re at a resort but South Omaha has those real dirty Mexicans. Now, I don’t do that. You could get shot or stabbed.”
This went on for a month. These people were amazingly racist every day. And every day Lacey was able to pay rent and eat food. There aren’t really words to describe how immune you become to this sort of thing. The real shame here is Cindy. She doesn’t even realize what’s happening to her. She grew up in West Omaha. Her parents had money. I don’t think they prepared her for this. Anyhoo, it was all pretty bad, but the story that got Lacey fired was:
Story Nine: Turpentine
The boss and HR made an announcement that they were getting an intern! A surprise because why would they do that when Cindy is willing to do whatever they want for them? So, like everyone who works everywhere, the boss and Nancy, who, remember, is the HR lady, take the new intern around and introduce her to everyone.
The building is a complete circle. When Lacey started, she was introduced to everyone and it was very laid-back. “You can show up in pajamas and as long as you get your work done—it’s fine!” People said hi, she said hi, and they moved on to the next office.
Lacey is in her office with Cindy. They can hear the intern being introduced to everyone. It’s going pretty quickly and Lacey doesn’t want the girl to feel nervous. So when she comes to her office, Lacey’s gonna see if she can’t put the girl at ease. They introduce the intern. Lacey says: “Hi! What high school do you go to? That’s great! How are you? First job? Are you excited?” Lacey asks a bunch of questions, the girl seems to chill out a bit, and they move on. Lacey talked to this child more than anyone else; she knows this is a fact, because she and Cindy heard all the intros. At least an hour later, Lacey gets a phone call from the CEO. She says, “I need you both in my office right now.”
Lacey, like I bet everyone else, grabs a notebook and a pen before going into this office. She assumes they need something done. She and Cindy walk to the CEO’s office. There are six people in there: the CEO, Nancy and the other boss, and three others. When they get there, the others have made sure they’re sitting on big, normal chairs, but they ask Lacey and her Hispanic coworker to share a tiny children’s-bench thing. It’s hard to explain, but it’s a piece of furniture that shouldn’t be in anyone’s office. It seems like it was there just to sit people on so they can talk down to them. All you need to know about this bench is it was so small their butts were touching!
So first of all, let’s say you’re the most fair people in the world. Can you see how maybe you should not put the only Black woman and the only Hispanic woman on a baby bench and reprimand them from your giant chairs? Do you think white people think about that?
No.
No one thinks, Put two more chairs out?
No, they are probably like, “Let ’em sit on the floor!” Then you accidentally found the bench. You should be grateful for the bench.
That is gross and probably true.
The CEO says, “We heard you met the intern today.” Lacey thinks the intern has done something crazy. The CEO goes on to ask Lacey, “How did that go?” Lacey replies, “It went great!” The CEO turns to the Hispanic lady and says, “How did that go?” Cindy replies, “Great!” She turns to Nancy and says, “Is there something you would like to say?” Nancy turns to us and says, “First of all, you guys were very rude. I was shocked at your behavior.” Now, this seems crazy, but as we have established, racists don’t need a reason. We are the reason. Nancy goes on to say, “We were very disappointed that the intern was treated this way.” Lacey and Cindy are left to wonder what the lie is that the CEO was told. It could be anything! They could have told the CEO that they catcalled the intern, that they told her this was a bad place to work, they could’ve even told the CEO that they hit the intern! That’s why the cops are here to take you to jail! The mind wanders.
What Nancy said was “You did not stand up and talk about your role in our company. You put your heads down and went back to your computers.” And Nancy’s crony, their boss, co-signs. As cronies are want to do. As in all meetings Lacey has ever been to, she’s writing it all down. Then the boss says, “Do you need extra training? What can we do to help you guys to be polite to people? How could you have done this differently? You two need to sit here and think about that.”
Bitch, I am forty-five years old.
Then everyone takes turns talking about their disappointment in them. Now, I need you to understand that an average Netflix show is forty-five minutes long, and these people spoke for forty-one minutes. Lacey and Cindy were reprimanded for forty-one minutes about a situation that did not happen. When the bosses were done, Lacey said, “That did not happen. I don’t know what to tell you.” The bosses were like, “The discussion is over.” Defeated, Lacey went to her desk. She realized the scales had tipped so badly in favor of “whipping boy” that she would have to leave. So she might as well be heard. She grabs her notebook and goes back to the CEO’s office.
Lacey comes back into the room. They are all still there. She says, “I need to say this. I was not rude and this did not happen. The fact that you so blindly believe Nancy that you would hold a whole meeting isn’t surprising but disappointing.” And the boss says, “We didn’t say you were rude.” Lacey: “It says here in my notes ‘rude.’ You used the word ‘rude’ more than once. If we weren’t rude, then why did we have this meeting with six people? I’m confused. Have you forgotten what you said?”
Boss: We were just trying to get to the bottom of this.
Lacey looks through her notes.
Lacey: The bottom of what? How you were disappointed with our behavior? Because if we weren’t rude, why were you disappointed?
Boss: We never said we were disappointed.
Lacey: You did. You said it, and Nancy said it. It’s right here in my notes.
Boss: Ugh, Lacey, why are you always taking notes?
Lacey: For times like this, when everyone has to have a meeting, the biggest part of which you can’t remember. Also, when I was introduced to this company and walked around to everyone, no one stood up and told me their job title. And, boss, YOU were the one who took me around that day. People said hello and maybe their name. So was a meeting called with six people then? When I was taken around? No special greeting was given to me and no meeting was called. When you start at a company you do as others do. Being casual is the motto of this entire building. I know that I did nothing wrong. I was very nice. Just ask the intern. I am shocked by this whole situation. Company rules should not be made up on the spot. You sat us down like children and accused us of something that didn’t happen. And then you say you’re worried about us representing the company over a greeting? This has just shown me some people are more valued than others. Forty minutes’ reprimand about a greeting? A greeting that you’ve completely backpedaled on? How much money did a forty-minute waste of eight people’s time cost this company?
Lacey was made the boss of the company and was heralded a hero! Just kidding. She was fired.
And that’s the end of the HR lady story. Until two years later.
Lacey is working at a different home.
She hasn’t seen Nancy in two years. It’s your same old same old. Nothing outstandingly terrible or wonderful. But the thing is, you don’t realize how good you have it until you don’t. ’Cause after working there for quite some time, guess who comes sauntering in? Nancy. She doesn’t recognize Lacey at all. She has no clue who Lacey is because her hair is different.
Lacey
Of course she doesn’t recognize her. What is Lacey, some supersecret spy? Also, hey, FBI, wanna catch racists? Use any Black woman and a variety of wigs. Ooh! Another idea: Want to find out who is racist at your company? Hire a Black lady, introduce her to everyone, and the very next week do it again but in a wig. If people are like, “I hate ’em both,” they’re racist.
After Nancy stopped having to see Lacey every day, Lacey’s face moved from the “avoid her on purpose” category to “wouldn’t talk to her anyway” category in her mind. Lacey is shocked but says nothing. Nancy walks right past her. She finds out Nancy is there because she is training a new HR person. Now, for those of you who don’t have good memories, the worst HR person on the planet is going to train someone. All we can do is hope that this person was at least normal to begin with. And—I’ll go ahead and stop the guessing now—the HR person Nancy is training is not normal. She’s horrible. To the point where the white people at this job tell Lacey, “Oh my god, this new woman is so rude to Black people.” The white people warned her. At the last job, Nancy was the second coming of terrible and those white people didn’t say a word. So if this new lady was so bad that regular white people could see it, it’s going to be a dark season of work. The bright side is, within a few short days of working there, this new lady has multiple complaints already. Oh, wait. She has multiple complaints against her and still has her job. That’s not a bright side, that’s a white side. She has been so terrible that more than one person has complained. Now, unfortunately, when you complain to HR about an HR person, oftentimes nothing gets done. Lacey is venting to an old white coworker. The coworker’s advice is this: “I’m gonna tell you what I tell everyone else: Shut up and take it.” Super-duper-gross advice. But not if you want to keep your job.
