by Amber Ruffin
So it’s been a few weeks at this point and Lacey has never had to look at, talk to, or deal with the new HR lady. Lacey is happily walking down the hallway when she sees one of her favorite coworkers in a hurry. “Hey, Lacey, could you do me a favor and drop this folder off for me?” “Of course!” Lacey grabs the folder from her without thinking. She looks at it and realizes it needs to be delivered to HR! Dun-dun-duuuunnnn! Let’s take a quick look at the options:
She can do the same thing to someone else. Let them run the risk of going into the HR office, which now has two actual fire-breathing dragons in it.
She can just leave it somewhere, hoping someone else will see it and bring it to HR. Solid, but this option could get her work friend in trouble.
She can suck it up.
She’s got no choice. She’s got to go. On her way, she thinks, What are the odds Nancy or the new HR lady will even be in there? Well, the answer is zero, because when she steps into the office, she sees they’re both in there! Eggshells. Okay. You can do this. Lacey walks in and sees Nancy training the mean HR lady. Lacey hands her the folder and says, “Hello, I was told to give you this.” And immediately, this new HR lady shouts, “No! No! No!” while snapping her fingers like you would at a cat on the countertop. This twenty-something white woman is reprimanding Lacey like a bad dog.
Here’s why you shouldn’t talk to Black people like that—just kidding. Can you imagine if I actually explained that?
Without replying at all, Lacey turns around and walks out of the room, into their boss’s office, and tells her what just happened. “She’s gonna have to change her tone. Not just talking to me, but with every Black woman at the office. Someone will hurt that woman.” The boss says, “This is unprofessional. We will talk to her immediately.” That is code for “Lacey, how dare you. You will be fired within the next month.” When Lacey told her coworkers, they said, “Why would you say anything? You know you’ll just get fired.” You’re supposed to just take it. Until you can’t. Lacey can’t. She got fired shortly after.
I just had a great idea! Remember the movie 9 to 5 about the women who had to put up with a lot of crap at work? There should be a remake of it where everyone is Black and they have to put up with racism. Call it Real Life and shoot it for free by putting a camera in almost any workplace anywhere.
And, for contrast, let me tell you a story about my job. I’m about four years into writing on Late Night with Seth Meyers, easily the best job I’ve ever had, and I love it. Every day, I fall deeper in love with each person who works on the show, and it’s a blast. On a show where I get to absolutely rail against racist crap, everyone knows that if they say anything crazy, I’ll let them have it. But, also, the show rails against racist crap, so if someone who hated Black people worked there, they would absolutely want to quit. This is not the place. Also, I told you before, but I have that thing where if you have been around a lot of racism, you can see racist behavior coming. Like, you know when you’ve met someone who is gonna say a crazy thing to you, or when you’ve met someone who thinks crazy things but won’t say them out loud. It’s all crystal clear. I’m pretty old now, and I can, with some accuracy, tell when someone’s going to say something racist and to what degree. Now, can I do this with Lacey’s razor-sharp ability? No. I’m not that skilled. But years of living in Omaha certainly add up to a pretty good spidey sense. I can certainly tell when someone’s the scary type of racist. So a quick assessment of the people who work on the show tells me I don’t have any of those guys around.
On the walls of the hallway right behind the studio, there is a picture of each person who works here on a clipboard, and each clipboard is drilled into the wall. So the hallway is covered in clipboards. At the bottom corner of the clipboards is a trash can. My picture is right above the trash can.
So one day I get called to the green room in the middle of the day. I figure it’s a manager or agent or friend visiting, but I get to the room and it’s a lady I have never seen before. She’s a woman of color, so I should know her. She must not work anywhere near this floor. She is our HR lady. We work at a comedy show, but this woman is dead serious. She tells me there’s been an incident. She says there was a length of rope in a knot hanging from my picture. It was reported by a coworker. She thinks someone hung a noose on my picture. I immediately laugh out loud. I laugh out loud in this woman’s face at the thought of such a thing happening here. Not that it’s impossible. It never is, but once she told me that, I knew exactly what had happened.
Almost everything in the studio is rigged with these little black ropes. These ropes temporarily hold a lot of things in place when there’s a special set, or when giant set pieces have to fly in and out of the studio quickly. These pieces of rope are everywhere. It is clear to me that someone went to throw one of them away and it got caught on the screw that holds my clipboard in the wall. I ask to see the rope, and it in no way looks like a noose.
This woman makes sure that I know that there will be no repercussions for anything I say. She lets me know exactly what would happen to the person if we found them. She asks a million questions. “Has anyone ever said anything suspicious to you at work? Has anyone ever been mean to you at work? Have you ever gotten into it with anybody at work? Has anyone ever been inappropriate at work?” She gives me a million opportunities to take a long, hard look at how I am treated at work, and it leads me to one conclusion: I am spoiled to a hilarious degree.
She follows up with a phone call later in the week to make sure that I’m sure that I’m sure. I couldn’t believe it. She did such a good job. I’ve certainly been at places where I would’ve killed to have someone like her around. It is so crazy that this woman is the opposite of Lacey’s HR woman. The thought of someone being racist had this lady ready to go off! I loved her. I felt so well taken care of.
Let me tell you a story that is equally believable for me. Amber is kidnapped by aliens and they teach her how to sew. She wins Project Runway and becomes a fashion designer.
So, you would call my story unbelievable?
Yes.
It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane,
It’s a Reason to Call the Cops!
In order to bring attention to strong Black comic book characters and have a safe place to celebrate all things Black and nerdy, a group of Black nerds invented AfroComicCon. It was like a Comic-Con for Black nerds. They saw the success of O Comic Con (Omaha’s version of Comic-Con) and thought, What if we had something like that where Black people felt centered and welcome?
So here’s how O Comic Con went. Thousands of people wore whatever the hell they wanted. Full costumes with guns, knives, axes, swords, shields, and crazy prosthetics. Music was blasting, there was a ton of great food and really fun people. It was a three-day event. Lacey and her friends went and had a blast. Even though people were running around with, in many cases, real swords, they never noticed security or police officers. They felt welcome. They even had an after party! Everyone thoroughly enjoyed themselves. If their AfroCon was half of this, it would be worth it.
Encouraged, they choose a venue in North Omaha to host it. The venue agrees and they’re one step closer. They have a meeting to solidify everything. In the meeting, the AfroCon team hands out what will be the poster. It outlines all of the acts and attractions. They begin their presentation and pitch what AfroCon would be. Outdoor music, cosplay. People dressing up as comic book characters. Food and music. Vendors and talks—stage combat class, comic book art class, making cardboard shields. I even hosted a talk with Black creatives! Extremely nerdy stuff. This is a small, somehow even nerdier version of O Comic Con. The venue loves it. It’s all going to be pretty straightforward. They can do exactly what they want at the agreed-upon price (which is great because it’s the first year of the event and they do not have a ton of money). The venue sees the value in this event for the community and can’t wait to put this on! That is, until the police and the building’s security start asking questions. Did I forget t
o tell you they were there? They were. The building’s security sees one small detail:
“This DJ. He plays R & B music?”
“Yes. He does.” They all examine the poster a little more closely.
“So this is AfroCon. Like Comic-Con but…”
“Centered around Black people. Yes.”
This whole thing came unraveled because one of the acts was R & B. An eagle-eyed security guard saw this and pulled the thread. These idiots didn’t realize that the “afro” in AfroCon meant Black people. The rules started to flow in. They could have their event but they would pay through the nose and it would be under a strict, watchful eye. Here’s the list of rules they gave:
No outside music at all
No outside events at all
AfroCon would have to pay for extra security
AfroCon would have to pay for extra police officers (I’m not going to go into how cities all across America do this to keep Black events to a minimum, but I kinda just did.)
If you brought a plastic weapon, toy gun, or sword, it had to be sheathed at all times. If it wasn’t, the many extra police officers and security guards would find you, zip tie it to your sheath, and if you didn’t have a sheath, they would confiscate it.
No waving your weapons around
No actual axes or swords
The security guards and police estimated 5,000 people would come to this event. For Black nerds. In Omaha. There is no way that was ever going to be the case. But the more people they say will come, the more police and security we need, the more we will have to pay, so they overestimate. (Another tactic used by cities to keep Black events to a minimum, a thing which I will not go into.)
AfroCon finds the money and it’s on. Lacey and I get there early to hang up signs that tell people where to park, where the entrances are, etc. We get out of the car and there are a ton of police there. A ton. It’s me, Lacey, and a ton of police. The day goes on and the event gets going. It’s almost all families and young nerds. The police force dwindles throughout the day. They see that it is just a big ol’ bunch of nerds. We have wonderful indoor music, delicious food, and a great time.
No one was:
Shot
Killed
Stabbed
The victim of a drive-by
There was, however, Lacey’s dancing, which she shoulda gone to jail for—holds finger to ear—aaaand, I’m hearing that it is I who is in fact the worse dancer. That is true. Neither of us great; me worse than Lacey.
I say all this to say, North Omaha has a bad rep.
We had a frigging blast at AfroCon. As a Black nerd, I really needed it. AfroCon took place right after news had just broken that there will be a live-action Little Mermaid with a Black girl playing Ariel. So Lacey is dressed as Ariel from The Little Mermaid. And one little girl, who had to be about six, came up to Lacey and said, “Who are you supposed to be?” Lacey replied, “The Little Mermaid.” The kid looked at Lacey like she was crazy. “You can’t be the Little Mermaid; the Little Mermaid is white!” Lacey explained to the little girl that that’s what this whole thing is about. You can be whatever you wanna be. The little girl said, “Fine, but you’re still not the Little Mermaid.”
Her mother overheard this, grabbed her, and gave her a talking-to. The girl returned to Lacey with her mom close behind, the mother with arms crossed and giving her child the stink eye.
The little girl says, “My mom says we can all be whatever we want to be… And that I need to hang out with you more.” Lacey and the mom laugh.
After AfroCon, Lacey goes back to her job at the opposite of AfroCon. She explained the event to her coworkers. Most were confused. A few thought it was interesting. Most didn’t get it. A coworker asked, “How did it go?” Lacey explained that it was wonderful. She went over the many booths and performances and costumes. They were still talking once the morning meeting started. Lacey ends up telling everyone that she dressed as the Little Mermaid. “It was wonderful. My costume was amazing!”
The one true asshole at work asked, “Who did you dress up as?”
“The Little Mermaid.”
He laughed and said, “You can’t be the Little Mermaid! The Little Mermaid isn’t Black!”
Lacey explained to him how the little Black girl told him the same thing. She talked to him about the fact that even she learned it’s okay. He looked at her like she was talking crazy and said, “You aren’t on that Colin Kaepernick shit, are you?” Can you imagine someone at your job saying this out loud and still having a job? Lacey is—and this goes without saying—the only Black person there.
Lacey told him to google why Colin Kaepernick is important. “I’m not gonna waste everyone’s time. I also don’t wanna go to jail.” She spent the day retelling the story to many white people at work. No one knew why he was wrong to say that.
The First Worst Job
A nineteen-year-old Lacey thinks she has a great job opportunity working at an online bill-paying service. On her first day, she is told she’d have to meet with the owner. “You’re gonna love him. He always has a one-on-one with people on their first day. Don’t be nervous. He’s a big ol’ teddy bear.” When the time comes, Lacey is called into his office. She walks in and sits across from him in a regular office chair like the one he is sitting in. She looks at him. This man doesn’t seem like a “big ol’ teddy bear” at all. He says to her, “No, no don’t sit there. Come sit here.” He has a footstool next to his desk. He wants Lacey to sit on a footstool next to him so that he can intimidate her. This would not be the last time someone did this to her.
He says,“Are you Irish?”
“No.”
“’Cause we have a lot of Irish people that work here.”
Then he asks, “Are you Irish Catholic?”
“No.”
“’Cause we have a lot of Irish Catholics that work here. Do you know what that means?”
Lacey knows damn well what that means. It means everyone’s white but her. She doesn’t answer. This book isn’t long enough to get into why he did this the way he did and what that did for his ego.
He continues, “That means people act and behave a certain way. Do you think you can get along with those people?”
“Yes.”
Lacey thinks this is the end of it, but he continues. “There’s no stealing in my company. There’s no horseplay of any kind. I need you to be a team player. I don’t wanna hear any negative reports. I need you to fit in. Can you fit in?”
“Yes.”
Lacey went back to her desk and cried. She quit the job the next day.
And if you’re wondering about the difference between this job and the other more racist jobs, the difference is this: Lacey. It’s always the individual person and wherever they are in their lives at that time. Sometimes it’s easy to keep a job in a very racist environment, and sometimes all you need is one creep to make the place unbearable. There are worse stories than this and better ones. The reaction always varies because you can only put up with what you can put up with when you can put up with it. And here’s a little reminder that we shouldn’t have to put up with this shit AT ALL! But anyway, back to giggling about it.
Footnotes
1We know the reason.
2 If you recognized that name, give me your phone number so we can text on a regular basis.
Is This a Joke?
No! This is not a joke—unlike the state of race relations in America!
I don’t want to scare you, but as you read these stories I want you to try to remember that Lacey and I are grown women who ended up okay. Okay?
So, shit is gonna get worse in this chapter. This is the chapter where I think it’s going to become clearer just how frequent this stuff is. We are also going to take a look at a few racist bosses! Fun!
Y’all, we aren’t even halfway through this book! And so far, we have really only been talking about stories that are okay to share with everyone. Wait. Isn’t that insane? The very real fact that y
our stories of racism that have happened to you fit into little categories like this? It’s true, they do! There’s, like, “okay to talk about at work” racism and, like, “okay to talk about with your white friend racism,” and “okay to talk about at home racism.” These are three very different levels of story. Now, it’s not healthy and god bless you if these aren’t unspoken rules that you recognize. You live a different life than I do, a better life—and I am truly jealous.
I mean, anyone can say anything they want to anyone at all. It’s just, personally, if I do the math of what will happen once I talk to a white person about the time a racist thing happened to me, it will not have been worth it. Now, the possibility always exists that they will be empathetic and understanding, but other reactions are possible, too. Sometimes you tell a person and they listen and then ask you why you didn’t stand up for yourself. Or your having talked to them about this means they can ask you every question about race that pops into their mind forever. Or you see the weird way they not only can’t relate but don’t want to. And then you have to know that about them. It’s hard to put into words, but it’s a minefield I choose not to walk in. So, quick quiz for white people:
Question 1: Do I wanna talk about this stuff with you? Do most Black people?
