The Mark of Chaos

by K. N. Lee

“I always have,” he said.

  “No,” I replied, shaking my head. “That’s not what I mean. I don’t mean the old me. I don’t mean the royal me or the capable me. I mean the me I am right now. You believe in actual me, don’t you?”

  “Of course, I do,” he replied, as though he was confused as to why I’d even ask that question.

  As ripples of something like pride shot through me in torrents, I couldn’t believe how much his simple words affected me. They built me up. They solidified my stance. They gave me a voice and made everything clear.

  “Then trust me,” I said, realizing what I had to do. “I’m the one who would be dying. I’m the one who's taking the risk.”

  “If the spell is off even a little, we won’t be able to bring you back,” Raelyn warned, his jaw tensing.

  “Then, I’ll have no one to blame but myself in a weird way,” I replied. “But at least I’ll know I did everything I could. At least, I’ll know I tried my best. And if the whole world gets swallowed up by some darkness, at least I’ll know I didn’t go down without a tussle.”

  He blinked hard at me. “You need to know something.” As he spoke, he grabbed my hand and pulled me hard across the room. Leaning against the far wall, he brushed a strand of stray, dark hair out of his face. “I was engaged to you. We were supposed to be husband and wife—to join our empires as allies.

  “I know that,” I replied.

  “Right, but what you don’t get is why I hung around and dealt with all of this shit,” he said.

  “You didn’t want to go back home?” I asked, titling my head at him curiously.

  “No, Moira,” he replied. He squeezed my hand. “I didn’t want to go back.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because I didn’t want to go back without you,” he cut me off. “Isn’t it obvious? That’s why Ian said I couldn’t be objective. It’s why I agreed to stay in this awful place even after you left it. It’s why I’m fighting so hard by your side right now, and it’s why the idea of saying goodbye to you, even for thirty seconds, feels like the end of the world to me.”

  My breath was taken away as he came so close that the hardness of his body pressed into me.

  He cupped my face in his hands. “We were in love, Moira.”

  And then, he kissed me.

  Chapter 21

  A rush of a million different things ran through me, lighting up all of my sensing and sending tingles into every part of me.

  Deep down in my spirit, in the places in me where the eternal parts of me hide, I could feel him there.

  This wasn’t our first kiss. It was only the first one I could remember. I knew as much instantly, the same way you know when someone is looking at you. It was instinctual, but it was true.

  Still, something felt off. His lips pressed against mine in a manner hungrier than I could have matched, and instantly I understood why. He had waited for this since the moment I disappeared. He had pined for me. Or, if not for me exactly, he had pined for this body.

  He wanted the Moira I used to be back so much that he was willing to settle for the Moira I was now.

  Something about that made me feel wrong. It made me feel like I was taking advantage of him, like I was using his pain and loss to gratify myself, even if I wasn’t the one who initiated this contact.

  The sensation was so strong, I pushed him off of me, taking a deep breath and holding my hands outward to keep him from coming closer again.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, breathless. “I didn’t mean to do that.”

  “You don’t have to apologize,” I said, immediately. “It was nice. It was better than nice. It was the best kiss of my life actually.” I shrugged. “Not that I have a lot to pick from.”

  “You have more than you think,” he said.

  “Look,” I answered, clearing my throat. “You are certainly the most attractive man I’ve ever seen, and without a doubt you are too good for a girl like me. So, please, please know how hard it is for me to tell you what I’m about to tell you.” I took a deep, mournful breath. “I’m not the woman you loved.”

  “Moira-”

  “I’m not,” I cut him off. “I’m sure part of her is in there somewhere, and I really, truly wish I could be her.” I looked him up and down. “Especially right now. Trust me, but the truth is, I’m not her. I’m someone else. I’m something else. And that ‘something’ I am might be fake. It might be the product of a bunch of false memories jammed into my head by some spell, but aren’t we all the product of our memories? What does it matter if they’re real or not? They’re real to me, and that makes me real to me too.” I shrugged. “Does that make any sense?”

  “It makes a depressing amount of sense,” Raelyn answered, the shine in his eyes dimming and his shoulders settling downward in a slump that signified that I’d just broken his heart.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “You know, Eden had a love in his life, and she was an amazing woman,” Raelyn said, and shrugged away from me. “He also knew about us, and it made him very, very happy to know that his little sister had love in her life.”

  I swallowed then, speechless.

  Raelyn shook his head. “But, like you said, you’re not my Moira, not really.”

  “Raelyn,” I said, and he stopped me from continuing.

  “You should go through with the spell if that’s what you want. I won’t stop you,” he said. “But, I also won’t stay here to watch it. I already lost you once. I won’t stand around and do nothing while it happens a second time. You see, that’s why I pulled you over here, Moira. I know who you are, and I know who you’re not. But when all of this happened before, when the spell was cast and I lost you the first time, I never got to say goodbye.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, my voice cracking.

  He placed a hand on my palm and gave me a small, mournful smile. “Good luck, Moira. Truly.”

  With that, Raelyn turned and walked out of the room, leaving me to my decisions.

  I wanted to call for him to come back, that I didn’t mean it. But, I did, even if I wished I loved him in return.

  I stood there for a long moment, steadying myself and processing everything I’d just heard. When I was done,with my head still spinning and my heart still racing, I walked over to Ian.

  He had always been good about giving me my space when I needed it. So, it shouldn’t have surprised me that, even now, he waited patiently for my to get myself together.

  “Looks like the two of you were talking about some heavy stuff,” he said, his arms crossed over his chest and a pensive look on his face.

  “You know exactly what we were talking about,” I surmised.

  “You didn’t,” Ian confirmed. “In fact, you were a little disgustingly lovey-dovey about it. Still, it was nice to see you happy.”

  “Lovey-dovey?” I asked, brows lifted. “Me?”

  With a grin, he nodded. “Terribly.”

  “That must have been a welcome change of pace,” I muttered.

  “You’ll be happy again, Your Majesty,” Ian said, clasping his hand on my shoulder. “There’s just work to do first.”

  “I hope it’s work that we’re ready for.”

  “Me too,” he said flatly. “Am I to assume that means you’ve come to your decision? You’re going to consent to the spell to find Jasper?”

  “I’m going to do what I have to,” I confirmed. “I’m going to do the right thing, even if that means putting my life on the line.”

  I laced my fingers within one another and stretched my arms over my head.

  “Besides,” I said, with a smirk. “I always knew you’d be the death of me one way or the other. I guess today is as good a day as any.”

  Chapter 22

  “This way,” Ian motioned me toward a table near the center of the room.

  I hadn’t seen it before, which I thought was weird. As I neared it though, I understood why. An opening in the floor let me know that this metal contraption spr
ung up from somewhere underneath. I hadn’t seen it before, not because I wasn’t paying attention, but because it wasn’t there before.

  “Lay down on this,” he said, motioning to the almost certainly cold metal table. “We’ll get started immediately.”

  “Why?” I asked, scrunching my nose up at the sight of the table. “Isn’t a spell? What’s with all the lights and whistles? Can’t you just snap your fingers and kill me for a few seconds?”

  “No, but if I could, that definitely would have made some of our hunting ventures much more enjoyable,” Ian said with a snicker. “I, personally, can’t perform any magic. It doesn’t flow through me the way it flows through you. Even if it did, though, that’s not how a spell as complicated and troublesome as this works. There are components and ways of administering things that are so delicate that any one movement would shift them and destroy the integrity of the entire thing.”

  My eyes widened. “And, you know how to administer those things?”

  “Oh, of course not,” Ian answered. “I don’t know magic from radish plants. But, I do know you, and you told me to stick you in the neck with this thing if it came down to it.”

  He opened a drawer and pulled out a needle. It was long and sharp and the translucent piece looked to be filled with a dark sludge-looking liquid.

  “Are you kidding me?” I asked, imagining the pain of having that massive needle stuck into my neck.

  “That’s what you said,” he answered. “This is a combination of a bunch of herbs and magical things that I honestly don’t understand. You assured us that this would do the trick. It would kill you, and then the magical properties inside of it would bring you right on back to life.” He shrugged. “I just had to keep it refrigerated. Or, was that not keep it refrigerated? I always get those two things confused.”

  “Seriously?” I asked, hands on hips as I tilted my head at him.

  “No. Not seriously,” he answered, a smile brightening his face. “Look. I get that you’re nervous. I would be, too. This is going to be okay, though. I know what I’m doing here. You taught me this. You told me how important it was. I’m not going to let you down. I care too much about the world for that. I care too much about you for that. You’re my best friend, Moira. Regardless of what version of you I’m met with, that’ll never change. Now, get up on that table and let me shove this huge, painful needle into your neck.”

  “Well, I mean, if you’re going to say it all sweetly like that,” I muttered, but did as he asked.

  Laying on the table, I saw that I was right. The stupid thing was so cold it sent a shiver up and down my back. I didn’t move, though. I had been through more than my fair share of unpleasantries before. A cold back wasn’t going to be the thing that killed me. At least, it wasn’t going to kill me for long, anyway.

  “Do you know what happens?” I asked, my heart speeding up just a little as the idea of what was about to happen really settled on my mind. “Afterward, I mean.”

  “You’re asking me if I know what happens after we die?” Ian asked, and I could tell from the incredulous look on his face that it was a ridiculous question. “I’m afraid I don’t, Moira. To my knowledge, no one does. Maybe we change all that today, though. Maybe you’ll come back and clear that mystery right up.” He shook his head. “Along with all the other mysteries we’re trying to solve.”

  “Don’t oversell me,” I said, looking up at the grated ceiling and wondering to myself if it was the last thing my eyes would ever see.

  “That, my friend, is an impossibility,” Ian answered. “Stay still, okay? Judging from the looks of this thing, I’m betting it’s going to hurt like Under.”

  Before I could respond, I felt a stab of pain begin at my neck. It sent electric shocks through the rest of my body. I wanted to pull away, jump up, and run out of the room. I might have done it if the pain had allowed even a little bit of movement.

  It didn’t though. The jolt of hurt, the roving cloud of electric pain soon gave way to something darker—something deeper.

  I felt it as the sludge moved through my body, corrupting and destroying everything. I felt as it started to shut me down, piece by agonizing piece. I was dying. Though, I guess that was the point.

  I tried to open my mouth, but it wouldn’t cooperate. I tried to move my hands or even blink my eyes, but I was met with the same result. This body didn’t belong to me anymore, not really.

  I was something else, and that something was on the move.

  Darkness encompassed me, stealing the sight from my eyes. The last thing I saw was that grated ceiling as it dimmed away until I was met with nothing. There was only the darkness, only the quiet.

  “You have made a royal mess of this, Moira, haven’t you?” a voice as primal and familiar as my own sounded. It would have scared me to death if that wasn’t a bar I had already cleared. “Pun very much intended.”

  Spinning around in the dark, I saw a sliver of light, and in that light, I saw a familiar face. Suddenly, I realized that the reason the voice had seemed as familiar to me as my own was because it was my own...as was the face staring back at me. I was looking squarely at myself, and I didn’t look happy.

  “Who are-”

  “Shut up,” I said, stopping myself short. “I must have been out of my mind to think any of this would work.” The other me took a step forward. “I need you to listen carefully, because we’re running out of time. When you find Jasper, you tell him I was wrong. You tell him it isn’t about finding a way around it all. We have to go through it. We need help. You tell him we’re not the first. We need to find the others. We need to find him.”

  She stepped forward, pushing me with two hands. “Also, you’re already too late.”

  I grabbed her hands—my hands—holding me steady. “No. That’s not going to happen. You and I need to talk.”

  Chapter 23

  “That’s not how this works,” the other me said, looking at me with intense and flared eyes of hazel flecked with bright gold.

  I could see the anger inside of her. I recognized it because I felt it myself. I honestly had no idea what this version of myself was angry about, but I knew what was making my blood boil.

  “I couldn’t care less how any of this works,” I snapped, my hands still wrapped around hers. “You’ve been pulling me around for far too long, and that stops right now.”

  And, there it was. I was so sick of all of this; sick of the games, sick of the deception, sick of all the things I didn’t know about or couldn’t reasonably see coming. I was sick of being thrust into a life I had no memory of and being expected to act the same way a person I never remembered being might.

  I was this thing now, this version of Moira. It was all I was, and if that wasn’t enough, then the fault of it lay with the girl I was staring at right now.

  As I stared back at her, I noticed something that stirred a hidden truth within my soul. There was no fear in her eyes—no doubts or lack of self-confidence. Even from the way she stood with her shoulders straight and head held high, I couldn’t help but realize that she was everything I wished I was.

  “What do you want me to do?” the other version of me asked, shaking her head. “I get that you’re not happy. I can feel it, Moira. These are desperate times, and that means we have to do harsh things.”

  “Funny how those harsh things don’t seem to affect you,” I shot back.

  “What is that supposed to mean?” the other version of me asked, her cheeks flooding with color as her eyes darkened with pain.

  “It means you ran away,” I answered. “Things got dark, things got bad, and you retreated into yourself. You left all the heavy lifting for me, and what’s more, you did it without even leaving me a guide. How am supposed to do this? How am I supposed to save the entire world without even knowing what’s really coming? Or, do you even care?”

  “That’s a ridiculous question for you to ask me,” the other version of me shot back. “You think I just ran away? You think
I took the easy way out? Does this look easy to you, Moira? This is darkness. This is nothing and nowhere, and it’s all I have anymore. I gave myself away. I faded into the background of my own life. I handed everything I’ve ever wanted and every person I’ve ever loved over. I sold it all for a chance to stop what’s coming, and it wasn’t enough. It’s not even close to enough.”

  Tears burned at the other version of me’s eyes, and I couldn’t help but soften to her.

  “We can’t stop it. I know that now. The Darkness is coming. The Chaos is almost at our door, but he had to come, I think. There’s no other way. Still, it doesn’t make what I had to do hurt any less. It doesn’t make the truth of this any easier for me.”

  “Why?” I asked, breathlessly. “I’m supposed to have my memories back by now. It’s the entire reason this is happening. It’s why we’re looking for Jasper, but if you could tell me how to fix it, we won’t have to find him. We can let him have peace.”

  “There is no peace,” the other me said. “There never was. I didn’t craft a contingency spell because I’m thorough, Moira. I don’t waste time on things I’m not sure I’m going to need.” She shook her head again. “They were sweet lies. The things I told them—the promises I made them. I knew the break would be permanent, but I also knew it was the only way. It was the only chance.”

  “Oh no,” I muttered, realizing what she was saying to me. “You can’t come back, can you? My memories, they’re lost forever. You’re lost forever.”

  Suddenly, the pain in her eyes held brand new meaning for me.

  “I am you,” she said. “A piece of me anyway, but now, we’ll never be as we were again. It’s not possible. You don’t need it, though. You can do this. I know you can. You have the heart. You have access to the light, and they’ll help you. They love you, Moira. They love you so much.”

  “I-I don’t know what to say,” I admitted.

  “Say goodbye,” the other me said. “It’s already been far too long, and I’m afraid it’s already started.