Living in Your Hell

by Barb Shuler

  “Get the fuck out of my house!”

  One of the men tackled Daddy to the floor and Papa came to me. I let him pick me up and cried against his chest.

  “Oh, my sweet pea, what did he do to you?” He searched my face and my arm before turning towards my father. He sneered at him.

  “She's just a baby, Harrison!”

  “She-she’s a fucking menace!” Daddy snarled back at him. Papa stood and slapped him across the face as a man held him. They were big policemen. I could tell by the blue and grey uniforms they wore. The man behind Papa grabbed his arm and shook his head.

  “Get him out of here,” the man with Papa said, and the other policeman took him away. I cried as Papa kissed my head and held me tight.

  “It's over, baby, he won't hurt you again. Papa’s so sorry he wasn't faster,” he said as he kissed my head again.

  I was pulled out of my memory when the cool morning air sent a shiver through me. I wiped at my wet face and sighed.

  “Shit. Get it together, Shelby Rae!” I scolded myself and went back to stretching my legs.

  That was when I saw that man again. I squinted, trying to not be too obvious that I was watching him. He moved back into the shadows. I heard talking and looked around to see Dani Lynn, Kristol and Anna all headed my way. Their pace was slow and steady which meant they were either just starting out, or finishing up a run of their own.

  “Shelby!” Anna called out as they ran towards me. I gave them all a hug and smiled, trying to push away the nightmares and bad memories and get back to being me.

  “Morning, ladies, just starting?” I asked as I bent down and stretched my back. I grunted as my vertebrae cracked. I loved when that happened.

  “No, we are on the last lap. The boys are alone with the kids. Someone will be crazy by the time we get back,” Anna laughed.

  “What about you?” Dani Lynn asked, still laughing cause the men and the kids, well, that was a sight to see.

  Talk about clueless with chaos. That's not fair, they are all great dads, but that many little ones together at once would test anyone's stress level.

  “Just finished up. Been up for a while,” I said, shaking my hands out.

  “Want to come have breakfast? Charlie was cooking pancakes and waffles when we left Dad’s house,” Anna said with a smile. My stomach chose that moment to growl and I laughed.

  “Guess that's a yes. Wanna race? Last one there has to wash dishes,” Dani Lynn said before taking off, Kristol was hot on her heels. I laughed and took off after them and Anna. My worries were now behind me and I could focus on today. Right now. Being happy and with my friends.

  2

  Round Two of Crazy

  Shelby

  It was going to be a crazy day. Papa and I were ready, but there was nothing that could have truly prepared me for today. We’d opened the clinic on a Saturday to administer shots to the kids. With so many kids in town, and at all at different ages, we had our hands full. Stella and Mama Jay came to help with the sign ups, make sure paperwork was properly filled out, and to keep everyone relatively calm. Crying babies unnerved me, though. I hated to cause anyone pain, especially them.

  “Sheby! Sheby! My Sebys!! Shelbys!!!” I grinned turning to see a group of little people I knew and loved, charging my way. I knelt down and hugged Taylor and Tyler before kissing their cheeks. Elijah and Robbie pushed their way in and I kissed their heads.

  “Hey, munchkins. Whatcha doin’? Hmm?” I looked up to see Dani Lynn, Kristol and Anna all grinning down at me, but there was something in their faces that warned me something was wrong. Kristol was a ball of emotion already and the looks that both Dani Lynn and Anna shared made my stomach drop. I stood up, suddenly in a panic. Was Charlie hurt? Oh God.

  “Shelby, you okay?” Anna asked.

  “Charlie?” I whispered.

  “Hey, calm down. We’re only here for the kids. I promise,” Anna said as she moved over to hug me. I sighed and rubbed my face.

  “Sorry, I saw the sad faces and panicked. What's all of this about?” I circled my fingers over the four munchkins at my feet. A few faces fell at that one.

  “S.H.O.T.S.” Dani Lynn spelled out. I made a face. Ah, shit. Shoot me now…

  “Crap,” I said with a small, forced chuckle. “I need to grab their folders. One at a time or together? Papa is here somewhere.”

  “I'm right here, Sweet Pea,” he said with a grin, taking Ryan from her stroller so he could kiss her cheeks.

  “You ladies go on in to room three, it's the biggest one. We’ll be right behind you.”

  After putting Ryan back in her seat he gave Kristol’s arm a squeeze. She was already turning green. I knew that feeling all too well. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this but, as a doctor, I had to suck it up and do it.

  “Come on, this won't take long. Maybe we can get through this round without tears,” he said as he wrapped an arm around me and hugged me to his side. I raised a brow and he grinned at me.

  “Mine or theirs?” I asked, grinning now too.

  “Both, I hope,” he moved from my side and into the room where we kept the files, which was behind the reception desk. Stella gave me a smile and stood.

  “You gonna need another set of arms? I can hold someone. Y'all are way outnumbered as it is,” she said. I looked up, ready to respond when I saw Lana and Derek come in the door.

  “Seems the cavalry's here,” I laughed. I hadn't thought they'd be left out. These young adults were as attached to the little people as much as we all were. Lana made a face at Derek and he sighed.

  “What?” Stella and I both asked as a few others came in.

  “We’ve been recruited to help but… someone needs a tetanus shot while we’re here,” Derek said, looking down at a now scowling Lana.

  I knew that look all too well, too.

  “Um, why, may I ask?” I said, a frown tugging at my lips. Lana simply held up her hand and I raised a brow at the bandage.

  “We were helping Gramps clean up around the old barn and we had a run in with a mangled piece of rusted up barbed wire and some nails.”

  “Is the cut on your hand bad?” I asked, moving around to her. She shook her head and I narrowed my eyes. I also didn't miss the bandage covering a portion of Derek's forearm. “And yours, mister?”

  “Uh, it's fine, just a scratch. Really?” He said. Stella laughed, a booming laugh at that and gave me a look.

  “He's lying, so is the little cute one. She's sneaky, you gotta watch her. Hey, where is Carter?” She asked suddenly.

  “Outside, he has a few cuts too, but saw your truck and decided to wait outside,” Lana said, laughing slightly.

  “What the hell, man? Y'all are all crazy,” Stella said as she stormed off to the front door. The booming call of her voice might have scared the poor kid if he wasn't expecting it.

  “All of you got cut by rusted wire by Gabe’s barn?” Papa asked as he came out of the records room with an arm full of charts. I jerked slightly and his lips twitched.

  “Laugh it up, old man,” I mumbled as he grinned outright. He was always sneaking up on me. The man was part ninja.

  “Yes Sir,” Derek said. Papa stepped back into the room and came out with three more charts in his hand.

  “Then you all need a tetanus shot. It's been over ten years. Tell Cart to come on in and we can do yours once we get the babies done,” Papa said as he walked on by. The door to the big exam room, which once was a bedroom, opened and we were surrounded by kids in different degrees of undress.

  “Day Day! “La La! My Day Day!” Taylor, Tyler and Ryan shrieked at the same time and we all laughed. At least with Derek and Lana they'd be distracted enough to maybe not see what was happening until it was too late.

  Twenty minutes later we had two newborns screeching in that high pitched, only-dogs-should-be-able-to-hear-it tone. The three toddlers were screaming as if they were on fire, and Taylor and Tyler were sniffling into Lana and Derek's chests. I had to wipe the
tears from my face a couple of times during the process. Papa had reassured us all, multiple times, that it would pass. That the kids would be fine but it still sucked.

  Kristol had lost her control over her emotions and the minute Taylor saw her tears he freaked out. Tyler had hidden under the desk. Poor Derek had to be the bad guy and pull her out, because Dani Lynn had her hands full with the baby while Papa administered her shots.

  It was complete chaos, and even now Kristol was still shaking. Anna was doing her best to calm her while we finished up.

  “Carter, Derek, Lana, your turns. Roll up your left sleeves for me,” Papa said as he pulled the last three needles closer.

  “Noooooo hurts my La La!” Taylor screamed, his face going beet red. I blinked and couldn't help but laugh. Lana was trying to not grimace at the thought of a shot. I knew from experience she hated them.

  “It's- it's okay, buddy. It… I can take it,” she said. Her stiff posture said otherwise. I moved over and rubbed her arm and looked at Taylor.

  “How about you and me go get suckers for everyone? Y’all did such a good job today.” He just made a face at me.

  “Go on, buddy, I'll be okay, honest,” Lana said to him before kissing his cheek.

  “I can haves a wed one?” He asked. I nodded.

  “I wants bwuuuuue,” Tyler sang out. I laughed and nodded.

  “Okay, you two come help me and we will get everybody one, okay?”

  “Okays!” Rang out from both of them, and I took their hands once they were on their feet. We left the room quickly and I gave Stella a look while she sat there laughing at us.

  “Stuff it,” I said smiling at her.

  “You two behave. Don't you be teachin’ them youngins nothin’ bad like that,” Mama Jay scolded playfully.

  “Yes ma’am,” we both replied. No one argues with her.

  “So, these little munchkins are going to help me pick out suckers for everyone. They did such a good job in there,” I said kneeling down to show them the candy bowl.

  “Okay, Taylor wants red, Tyler wants blue… what colors do we get for Ryan, Elijah and Robbie?”

  “Lellos!” Taylor said, his grin so big across his face.

  “Okay, yellow. Who’s that for?”

  “Sissy, hers yikes dem lello fowers. Her yikes lello,” Taylor said nodding his head. He was so dang cute.

  “Okay, now what about for Elijah and Robbie?”

  “Owange for my bubbas,” Tyler said. I grinned at her.

  “So now what's left? We have red, blue, yellow, orange and what about Robbie?” I asked as I held up a green sucker. “Think Robbie likes this one? What color is it?”

  “Gween! Gween!” They said together. I chuckled.

  “Yes, green. Very good.”

  “Dems have one too?”

  “Them who buddy?” I asked Taylor.

  “Dawick, La La ands Cawter?”

  “Oh yes,” I said seriously. They both grinned at me. “How about we give them these bigger ones? Think they’ll like these?”

  “Yes!!” They bounced on their toes and I laughed. “Okay then, let's go take them their suckers. You two were such a big help. Thank you,” I handed the bowl back to Stella with a wink and walked with them to the room.

  “Keep it clean and dry, it should be fine in a few days, Carter. Same for yours, Derek. Neither need stitches so you got lucky,” Papa was saying as we came back in. “But Lana, sweetheart, I'm afraid yours needs to have a few stitches. Where it's at on this side, it's a little too deep to leave unattended.”

  “Um,” Lana turned a shade of green and I made a face. “It's okay, really,” she stammered out.

  Derek leaned into her and whispered something in her ear. She turned another shade of green and gripped his arm with her good arm. She whispered something back and Derek moved to face her, blocking her from the kids. After a brief chat he kissed her head and I saw her wiping her eyes.

  “Come on, have a seat and let me get it done. It won't hurt. I'll deaden it first,” Papa said. He patted the table for her to sit on it and pulled a tray over with the supplies on it.

  Kristol was on her feet again, her son lying across her chest as she and Dani Lynn, with her daughter laid across her, watched over Lana. Both of them were like mama bears on high alert. Anna sat beside Lana and held her hand. I kept the kids at the door until he was done and Lana was breathing normally again.

  “Okay, sucker time,” I called out and let the kids go. I smiled at her as she watched Tyler and Taylor hand out suckers.

  “Day Day you habs dis ones!” Tyler grinned up at him.

  I watched as the bigger kids scooped up the toddlers and all was right again. Carter helped Ryan with her sucker, Derek helped Tyler and Lana helped Taylor. I smiled as I watched them all.

  Papa put an arm around me and leaned down to kiss my head.

  “Thanks, Doc, Shelby, we all appreciate it. We’ll get out of your way and let y'all get back to work. This brood should be ready for a N.A.P. soon,” Dani Lynn said, laughing.

  “I need a nap too,” Carter said and froze as everyone started protesting naps. Dani Lynn, Anna and Kristol scowled at the poor kid. He ducked out the room. I laughed as I heard them telling the big kids they were now in charge of the naps.

  I think they had an easy job compared to what we had on our plates. The waiting room was full and that meant more shots. I went to the desk and grabbed a folder. Time to get this line moving again.

  3

  When it Rains…

  Shelby

  The move of my things into Papa’s office came with many headaches. Mainly ones I gave myself. See, I suffer from a mild - possibly not so mild - case of OCD. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a common, chronic and long-lasting disease and it doesn't discriminate. Men, women, children, it hits us all. It basically means there are actions and things that I just can't not do. If I get the urge to do a certain action, there is no fighting it. If I try to fight it, I end up frustrated and in tears.

  For example, my new desk. I’ve rearranged it four times already to try and line up my calendar where it will be in front of my monitor. Sounds simple, right? Nope! Far from it. It's too damn big for the space if I want to have my laptop to my right and the phone to my left. Poor Papa has come in twice now to help and I just freak out and pull everything off to start again. Needless to say… I had to walk away from the damn thing before I lifted it up and tossed it out the large window into the frigging yard. I'm that disgusted with it all.

  When I'm stressed, like I have been the last few weeks, my OCD gets… well, it gets worse. Out of control, even. Everything in this place (Papa’s office) is a mess (to me) but of course Papa knows where everything is. I’ve spent a lot of time here over the last ten months, working with Papa, but I still can't find a damn thing without looking for it a hundred times. I've already rearranged, sorted, labeled and categorized the supply closet. Next will be the exam room cabinets. Papa gave me free reign to do it, because he understands my need to do these things. It's not something that I can help, and fighting it is a losing battle.

  I made my way to the closet in the back to add a stack of gowns that I just folded, straight from the dryer. I had a bad feeling - I should have listened to it cause the moment I opened this door I knew I was in for it. Everything is just shoved into the shelves. God love him, but I think Papa is trying to kill me. I chuckle to myself as I go to the laundry room and grab the clothes baskets from the corner. When I'm back in front of the closet I sigh and start pulling things out and tossing them into baskets. I'll have to go refold everything, sort it and make labels for the cabinet shelves. Then, I’ll restock it.

  I curse when I whack my knuckles on the top shelf and scrape a cut into my skin. “Son of a bitch!” I moved to the sink and quickly washed and dressed the cut. It would be fine in a day or two, no biggie.

  “Hello?” I jumped when I heard a small voice call out. Damn, I need to put the bell back on the door. I moved back up front
and blink as I turn the corner. A woman is standing there in clothes that were not much more than scraps with a sniffling child in her arms. I didn't recognize either of them, but that didn't say much. There were a lot of people in this town, and I'd seen only a handful of them. I took a deep breath and moved closer to them.

  “Hi. I'm Shelby Grant, how can I help you?” I asked. My eyes once again glanced over them quickly.

  “I’m here to see Doc G, he here?” The woman asks, her eyes darting around as she shifts the tiny little girl in her arms. I frown slightly at the way the girl is holding her arm against herself. My head shakes gently.

  “I'm sorry, he's out for a bit. I'm the only one here right now.” I smile, but its forced; something about this whole situation is just wrong.

  “Wanted to see the Doc,” she said as she turned. “Sorry to be botherin’ ya.”

  “Wait, hun, I’m a doctor. My name’s on the sign now, too. I'm Doc G’s granddaughter, Doctor Shelby Grant. I'll be here working with my Papa from now on.”

  “Want to see him,” she said, again with a touch of emotion in her voice. Was she scared? I tried to remember that not everyone liked change. I, of all people, understood that.

  “As I said, he may be a bit. He’s out on a call. I can get you started until he gets back, if you like?” I said, my eyes meeting hers. She nodded again before shifting the little girl. The girl let out a small whimper.

  “One sec,” I said. I moved to the closet and grabbed a kids gown from the basket. I hurried back to them. “Right in here, please,” I said pushing an exam room door open. Once they were inside I closed the door and laid the gown on the exam table in case we needed it.

  “What seems to be the trouble today?” I asked as if I hadn't seen the girl holding her arm.

  “The girl hurt her arm. Need to see if it's broke this time. She's always falling into something,” she said. Her eyes again darted around like she was waiting on someone to jump out at her. The robotic monotone of her voice had my hackles up. I nodded and smiled at the little girl.