Living in Your Hell

by Barb Shuler

  “Was she hurt bad?” My heart sank at my words.

  “The EMTs and I got her out of the car, she was unconscious. There was bleeding, but I’m not sure from where or how bad. They got her in the ambo and were off. Gabe went to get Doc.”

  I saw his hands tighten on the steering wheel as he drove. My stomach was full of knots. What in the hell could have happened between my house and Doc’s? It’s only a three mile drive, for fuck’s sake. I scrubbed my hands over my face. The drive to the hospital was taking fucking forever. The minute the patrol car stopped I was out and running into the emergency room. My hands slammed down onto the desk as I took a deep breath.

  “Shelby Grant, where is she?” I asked the plump-faced nurse. She gave me a hard stare before she spoke.

  “Are you family?” she asked.

  “Fiance,” I gritted out. I felt a hand on my shoulder and glanced back to see Jacks. The nurse saw his uniform and gave me another look. Her eyes went from the gun on my hip to the scowl on my face. I pulled my badge out and slammed it down on the desk.

  “Where is she?”

  “Charlie,” Jacks warned.

  I closed my eyes and tried again. My voice lower and somewhat calm sounding as I spoke. “Ma’am, please. Where is my fiance? I need to see her.”

  Before she could answer me there was a blood curdling scream from the back. I knew that scream. I vaulted over the desk and was running before I really knew what was going on. I followed the voices and the screams until I was in an emergency bay. Shelby was thrashing on the gurney and the doctors were trying to restrain her. I pushed past them and put my face in hers.

  “Shelby,” my voice broke.

  I cleared my throat and cupped her face. The c-collar she had on wasn’t going to do her any good if she was throwing herself around. I said her name again until she focused on me.

  “Shelby Rae, it’s me, baby. Calm down. You’re safe. I’m right here,” I said, my voice soft but demanding her attention. There was a commotion behind me and I heard Doc’s voice.

  “Your Papa is here too, baby. You’re safe. I need you to calm down and let the doctors look you over okay?” By the time the words were out Doc was there, holding her hand.

  “Sweet Pea, it’s okay. Let them give you a look, okay? Don’t be a bad patient.” He gave her a crooked grin but I could see the tears in his eyes. I was sure they matched mine.

  She tried to say something but it came out in a whisper. I leaned in closer and let her take a deep breath. She winced and my heart hurt for her. She looked between me and her Papa before speaking again.

  “He’s here…” she coughed a little and swallowed.

  “Who, baby?” I asked.

  The next words sent a chill through me, followed by a red hot anger I hadn’t felt before. I met Doc’s gaze. His face was red and the tick in his jaw said he and I had come to the same conclusion. I looked back down at Shelby and kissed her forehead.

  “He won’t get near you. I promise you.”

  7

  Was it even Real?

  Shelby

  I have no idea what just happened, but I woke up unable to move and the bright flashes in my eyes made me panic. I could hear muffled voices see the shadowy outline of a man before me. I screamed. There was no way he had found me. Sheer and utter panic swept through me. My entire body was rigid with tight muscles as I fought to get the hands holding me down off of me. It wasn’t until I saw Charlie’s face, and heard his voice that I started to come out of my foggy panic. My body hurt in places that I didn’t think could hurt. It took me a few moments to get myself together.

  “He’s here,” I whispered as a cough racked me.

  “Who, baby?” Charlie had asked. I winced as a jolt of pain shot through me. Did I have my seatbelt on? Hell, I couldn’t remember.

  “Him,” was all I whispered. I caught the look both Charlie and Papa shared before he looked back down at me.

  “He won’t get near you. I promise you,” Charlie said, a murderous look grew across his face. I tried to shift and once again the tears fell from my eyes as pain shot through me.

  “I need some room. You two need to step back.” I heard Gloria’s voice before I saw her face. I sighed.

  “I’m okay, move back so they can get this frigging c-collar off me. I need to go home.”

  “Doctor Grant, we will get you in and out as fast as we can. Please behave.” Another voice filled my ears and I rolled my eyes. “Come on, Michael, get this thing off of me. My neck feels fine. My hip and left leg hurt like hell though. My right side too. I think that is all,” I said.

  “Not yet, Kid. You’ve got to have scans. You know that.”

  “Sweet Pea, we’ll be right outside okay? Behave, let them do their job,” Papa said as he kissed my forehead. I sighed.

  “Love you, baby,” Charlie said as he too kissed my head.

  “Love you more,” I said giving him a small grin. That grin fell as soon as they left and the poking and prodding started.

  Charlie

  Pacing. That was all I had done for the last - God only knows how long. I hated waiting. I made a terrible patient and I was even worse when it came to sitting still and just waiting... for anything. My attention was pulled to the front of the waiting room where the door was. I raised a brow as Kristol came in, her dog Thor at her side, with his little blue and yellow vest on. She came over to me and Doc and gave us both a hug.

  “Any word on Shelby?” Kristol gave us both a look that wasn’t quite readable but it was gone before I got a good feel for what the issue was. A moment later I saw Jacks walk in scrubbing a hand over his face as Drew spoke to him. They glanced at me and then looked away. I shook my head at Kristol’s question.

  “Not yet. The nurse said they were taking her for scans and they’d let us know as soon as she was in an ER bay and could have company again,” Doc said. My attention was on Dumb and Dumber in the corner. I excused myself and moved to where they were chatting.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “Sit down,” Drew said. I shook my head.

  “Fine, stubborn ass,” Drew huffed. “I had Derek pull the vids from the corner cameras. A man approached Shelby’s car at the light. She ran the red light and after that we lost her. No cameras that far down.”

  “Son of a bitch!” I had to bite back the surge of anger as I turned to pace the floor again. I stopped before Drew when he called my name.

  “Did you get a look at his face?” I asked.

  “No, the vid was too grainy. Why?” Drew asked.

  “What’s going on? Shelby in trouble?” Jackson asked.

  I started to pace again. It was a few minutes before I could speak. My anger had my entire body vibrating as I thought of all the things I knew had happened to Shelby. If that was her father, the “him” she mentioned, he was going to meet the other side of Deputy McKenna. I’d take my badge off and give him a little taste of what he gave her. I shook my head and tried to fight off those thoughts. He wasn’t worth losing myself over. If I did that I’d lose her too. I could hear the others talking with Doc but he, like me, wasn’t ready to give her life’s story. I gripped my head and tugged at my hair to try and center myself.

  I felt a small hand clasp my arm and when I got my shit together I looked down into Kristol’s worried eyes. She took my hand and pulled me to a chair in the corner, tugging until I sat down. When dumb and dumber started our way she waved them off. Jacks scowled, but she pointed to where he had been sitting. I snorted at the look on his face.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I said not giving her a chance to ask anything.

  “That’s fine. You just listen, then,” she said. I waited a heartbeat and looked down to meet her gaze. She was just watching me. “I know you're stressing right now, I get that, but you need to dial back the crazy and focus on Shelby. I get that you guys go all caveman ‘me man, save woman’ but that's not helpful.”

  I tried but I couldn't hold it in. I busted out
laughing at her comment. She glared and I held up my hand. Damn, I needed that. Kristol didn't seem to get why I was laughing. I took her hand and gave it a squeeze.

  “Thank you,” I said. I met her gaze and gave her a half smile. She was scowling at me still. “I mean it. I can't help going all caveman, as you call it. I love her, more than I ever thought would be possible. She’s hurting... or something, and I- I can’t help.”

  “I know you do. We all love you both. Let us be here for you. God knows the stress of… things can make you crazy.”

  I gave her a look and she looked down. “Doc told me Shelby was going through something. Didn't say much about it, but he said her childhood wasn't normal. If I can help, I'm here.” Her voice was soft as she looked up, her eyes locked on me. Her sincerity was apparent, and I nodded my head.

  “Thank you. That means a lot, really,” I said. “It's not my story to tell but, maybe she needs someone to talk to other than me or Doc. Someone that's-” I stopped. It was not Kristol this time that brought me out, it was Thor. He butted his head against the hand I had on my knee. I automatically reached out and stroked his head. A few minutes passed before I could speak again.

  “It's okay to be mad. It's okay to feel things you can't seem to grasp. Everyone has had or will have those moments. Be true to you and to Shelby. If she wants to talk, she knows where to find me. God knows she's had to talk me off the ledge many times now.”

  “I'll talk to her, Kris. Thank you,” I said. The silence that filled the room was finally broken when the doctors - Dr. Cross and another older man - came in.

  “Everyone, this is Doctor Roger Cross, my older brother,” Michael said as an introduction.

  “Michael, how is she?” Doc G asked.

  “She was lucky. Nothing is broken and there are no signs of a concussion, but she does have some hellacious bruising. She’ll be feeling this for a few days.”

  “There is deep bruising around the hip and left thigh area. I'm assuming it's from the seat belt locking and her being jerked when she flipped upside down. I also suspect she hit her thigh at that time,” Roger - the other Doctor Cross - said.

  “She’ll need to get plenty of rest.”

  “We’ll make sure of it,” Doc G said.

  “We’ve given her pain meds, and iced down her hip and thigh as well. Once they have the blood tests done and everything is cleared, we can release her,” Roger said.

  “Thank you both so much,” Doc G said shaking both men's hands. I did the same.

  When they left the room I went with them. I needed to see her and make sure for myself that she really was going to be okay. That she was in one piece. It took only a few minutes to get to the ER bay. I took a deep breath before I walked through the curtain and moved to the side of the bed.

  “Hey there, gorgeous,” I said. I leaned down and kissed her lips softly.

  “Hey,” she whispered. Her eyes were wet and my heart clinched. “Can we go now?”

  I chuckled and moved to pull a chair over to the bed. “Not yet, sugar. Soon, though.”

  “I want to go home with you…”

  “You will, baby. I’m not letting you out of my sight,” I kissed her knuckles once and rested my forehead against her hand before I spoke. “Can you tell me what happened this morning?”

  “I- I saw him-” The curtain opened behind us and Shelby shrieked, her eyes huge with fear. I glared over my shoulder at the nurse, whose face paled. I stood and put my face right in Shelby’s. I made her look at me.

  “I’m here. No one will hurt you,” I said. My voice was steady. The nurse apologized and the curtain opened again. I could hear Doc and Gabe behind me but I kept my gaze on Shelby.

  “Sweet Pea, I’m here,” Doc said as he took her hand. He was standing there, his body tight, jaw tense.

  “Papa,” Shelby said with a wobbly voice.

  The tears started rolling down her cheeks. I pulled back and let Doc sit on the bed and console her. I rubbed the back of my neck and paced the three steps to the wall. I went back and forth until Gabe put his hand on my shoulder. I met his gaze. His head nodded to the open curtain and I walked out with him. He closed the curtain and sighed.

  “She’s had a hard morning. I want you to take some time with her. I need to know what happened this morning but I don’t want to stress her out right now,” Gabe said.

  “Okay. Gabe if it’s him…”

  “Stop. If it’s him, we’ll handle it. Do not get yourself into trouble. I mean it, Charles,” Gabe said, his voice full of authority.

  “I’m not going to look for him-”

  “If he threatens her or you that’s one thing,” Gabe said.

  “I just want her to be safe. I don’t like her being scared,” I gritted out.

  “I know,” he said gripping my shoulder.

  “Charles,” Doc called to me.

  I turned and went back into the bay where Shelby was. I moved to sit in the chair beside her. I took her hand and ran my fingers over her cheek. It was a light purple already. I frowned. Damn, that must hurt.

  “I’m going to head back to the station. You call if you need anything,” Gabe said as he leaned down so Shelby could see him. “Remember what I told you back then?” At her nod he continued, “It still stands, sweetheart. If you need me, you call.”

  “Thank you,” she stuttered out the word, her eyes darting to the curtain as it opened again. The nurse came in and gave her a small smile.

  “Alright Doctor Grant, you’ve got the okay to go home. Ice the knee every four hours. The scripts are for pain meds, follow the directions.”

  “I know what to do, Melinda. Thank you,” Shelby said, a tight lipped smile playing at her face.

  Twenty minutes later Doc and I were in his car with Shelby and headed home. Hopefully once she had a little rest I could get her to tell me exactly what happened this morning.

  8

  Back to Normal?

  Shelby

  It's been two months since my run in with my father, or the person I think was my him, and the resulting accident. Life has pretty much calmed down and gone back to normal. No one has seen any sign of my father. Maybe I was truly crazy that morning. My dreams had filled my days instead of just haunting me at night. Could that be the case? Maybe?

  I've made more of an effort to talk about my childhood with both Papa and Charlie. It hurts to watch their faces as I tell them about certain things I remember. They try to hide the pain and anger but, I see it.

  I've had to go and talk to Doctor Crandall a few times as well. I needed to get some things clear in my own head. Thank God she is close and I know I can openly speak to her, without worry she'll push back from the table and go break something. Yes, that's happened twice now with Charlie. Papa has just gotten up and walked off to ‘think’. What he's doing is beating himself up. He still blames himself for not acting faster, for not protecting me. That only adds to my anger at my father. This is all his fault.

  After I went for my run today I went to the grocery store. Mrs. Talbert made sure we were doing well and as always sent a bag of her homemade cookies home with me for Papa. As I unloaded the bags from the grocery store I heard a little girl cry out. I hurried to the front of the office and saw Papa talking with someone.

  When the little girl turned to look at me my heart stopped. It was little Kaitlyn. Her face had a bruise on it and she was holding a ratty stuffed elephant. I could see there was blood on her eyebrow. Her arm looked bruised as well and if that wasn't enough she was covered in dirt and God only knew what else.

  “Doc, just fix it and let us be. He’ll get mad and I… I can't stop him no more,” the little girl's mother started to cry. Papa helped her to a chair and I moved over to crouch before Kaitlyn.

  “Hi Kaitlyn, you remember me?” I asked, fighting to keep a smile on my face. Her pain was making so many things pop up into my memory. I was this little girl once. I watch as she nodded her head, and held my hand out to her. “Can I get you clea
ned up?”

  “Y-yes. I dirties. D-d-daddy not yikes dats,” she stuttered through her tears. I watched them run down her cheeks, leaving clean track marks along her dirt covered face.

  “What were you doing to get so dirty?” I asked as I stood up and led her into the first exam room.

  Her mother and Papa could not only see us both, but could hear everything said. I moved around and got a bottle of sterile water, some gauze and the antiseptic pads and sat it all beside her along with a small basin. I snapped on a pair of blue gloves and flexed my fingers.

  “I-I was payings in the muddy holes. I mates buddles, my elliephants somes muddy cates,” she said, sniffling as she clung to her dirty stuffed elephant.

  “You were making your elephants Muddy cakes?” I asked, a little unsure I had deciphered that right.

  She nodded and a little sob broke from her as I pulled her arm from her elephant and sat it in her lap. “I'm sorry, sweetheart.” It was time for my voice to crack.

  Her palm was bruised. I winced as I wiped the dirt free. There was a mark on the back of her hand. “What in the fu- frog eggs happened here?” I asked but didn't expect an answer.

  My heart was hammering as Kaitlyn stage whispered not so softly to me. “Hims s-steps on it.”

  “Who, baby? Who stepped on your hand?” My entire body was shaking as her mother and Papa came into the room.

  “Kaitlyn,” her mom said but I turned to glare at her. My finger went up and I clenched my jaw as I spoke.

  “Don't!”

  “Shelby,” Papa said as he moved closer to me. I ignored him and turned back to Kaitlyn.

  “You can tell me. I won't let it happen again. I promise. I won't let it happen again, as God is my witness.” My words trailed off as I watched the little girl in front of me.