Caroline's Purpose

by Erica Zaborac

  Scurrying to an empty seat in the same row as Connor, Caroline stuck her name tag to her shirt and sat down. She kept her eyes down as she pulled out a notebook and a pen, the same thing he had just done himself, but there was one difference. Her hands were trembling.

  “Alright, everybody, welcome to ANS 271. I’m Dr. Joseph Carnes, and I am your instructor for this class. Let’s start by going over the syllabus and filling out some introduction cards. I’ll need your emergency contact information, prior horse experience, that kind of stuff.” Dr. Carnes began passing out the cards, diverting Connor’s attention away from Caroline.

  Connor started writing down his information, describing the experience he had gained from nineteen years, his entire life, around horses. He stole glimpses of Caroline as he wrote, watching her close her eyes and clench her fists closed.

  God, what is she doing here? She seems so scared, and who could blame her? Connor prayed. Why is she doing this to herself?

  As he asked those questions, a verse came to mind. Romans 8:28. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Even through his questioning, Connor had to trust that God had a plan. Caroline scooted her chair across the floor, keeping her eyes down at her shoes as the squawk filled the room. She took her card to the front to Dr. Carnes, shocking Connor with how fast she had finished it. He didn’t know how she could have written all of her experience down in so little time. She should have had as much as he did, if not more.

  Connor took a few more minutes to complete his card before turning it in. As he sat back down, he looked over at her once more, studying the tension she held in her shoulders and back. Caroline looked up then and caught him watching her. Their eyes met and held. Connor could tell she didn’t recognize him, and by the pain, fear, and sadness trapped in her eyes, he thought that might be for the best.

  He opened his mouth to say something, to introduce himself, but before he could get any words out, Dr. Carnes spoke, causing both Caroline and Connor to flinch. “I think everyone has handed in their cards, so let’s look over the syllabus, and maybe begin our first lecture, if we have time,” he announced.

  Connor read over the syllabus with the rest of his class and took notes as the lecture began. Dr. Carnes reviewed the birthdates and pedigrees of the weanlings they would be working with over the semester. Connor wrote everything down, smiling to himself when he learned that the bossy chestnut colt from the field, named Rebel, was a son of Chromeo.

  Dr. Carnes finished providing the details of the last baby and checked his watch. “I think this is a good place to stop for today. You all can leave your backpacks in here and head out to the pasture for lab. I’ll be out in just a few minutes to announce partners and horse assignments.”

  The class began shuffling around as they put their notebooks into their bags and headed outside, eager to meet their weanlings for the semester. To Connor’s surprise, Caroline was one of the first out of the door, darting down the aisle and out of sight. He took his time putting his notebook away, consumed with thoughts about what could have brought her to this class after all she had been through.

  He joined his classmates outside as they lined the fence of the weanling pasture. The girls were all chattering away as they admired the babies who were crowding the fence, enjoying the attention. Rebel was pushing his way through his playmates, just as he had been earlier. Connor searched for that wavy blond ponytail, but he didn’t see Caroline anywhere.

  Turning around, he glanced back at the barn. He saw her standing alone in the aisle, studying the pictures of the stallions, as he had done before the lecture. Without hesitation, he left the group and went to her.

  He paused in the doorway, watching her as she looked at the pictures and nameplates. She reached out and brushed the picture of Stellar with her fingers, her hand still shaking.

  “He’s something to look at, isn’t he?” Connor took a couple of steps closer to her. Caroline gasped and whirled around, startled by Connor’s voice. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Caroline gulped. “It’s okay. I didn’t know anyone was still in here. I thought everyone was outside.”

  Their eyes held again, like they had in the classroom. Connor studied the worry in her eyes and debated about telling her he knew who she was. As Caroline looked away, he decided to keep his secret to himself.

  “Do you know about his racing career?” He pointed toward the plaque on the wall.

  Caroline’s eyes turned back to the picture of Stellar. The almost-black stallion was photographed in a full gallop, from his prime as a racehorse. “Yeah.” She crossed her arms as she answered, almost under her breath. “He won everything he ever ran in, except for the last one, when he injured his suspensory ligament.”

  Connor smiled at her. “Bred for a couple years in Kentucky, then came out here,” he added. Caroline nodded her head, not taking her eyes off the picture. “I’m Connor Taylor.”

  She looked up at him then. “Caroline Davis.” She gave him a small, tentative smile.

  “Nice to meet you. Have you had a chance to look at the weanlings yet?”

  Caroline looked down at her boots. “Um, no. No, I haven’t,” she said.

  “They’re all pretty special, and we should probably head out there now.” Connor glanced toward the field. “Come on, I’ll show you.”

  He could sense her hesitation, but she followed him anyway. They walked side by side in silence to the fence. “Do you see that big chestnut colt over there?” He pointed across the pasture. “That’s Rebel. He seems to be in charge. He pushes his way through the herd to do whatever he wants.”

  Caroline stared out at the field, watching Rebel interact with the other babies. “You’re right. You must have spent some time studying them.”

  “Just a few minutes before class. He’s so bossy, it was easy to pick up on.”

  Caroline nodded, not taking her eyes off the young horses. Connor looked down and noticed her hands were still shaking.

  “Alright, everybody, listen up,” Dr. Carnes announced as he came out of the barn. “I’ve made the horse and partner assignments based off the experience you wrote down on your intro cards. I’ve paired students with experience up with those who have little experience, and tried to match horse personalities accordingly, as well. Of course, it isn’t a perfect science, so there may be some adjustments during these first few weeks.” Dr. Carnes looked down at his clipboard and began reading off names and horse assignments.

  “Do you have an idea which one you want?” Connor lowered his voice, so they wouldn’t interrupt their instructor. He watched her swallow before she answered.

  “No, not really.” She bit her lip. “What about you?”

  “Nah, I don’t have a preference. I’m just excited to take this class, ya know?”

  Caroline stared at him, and once again Connor could read the anxiety in her expression. She opened her mouth to say something but closed it before the words ever left.

  “Caroline Davis?” Dr. Carnes searched the group of students. Caroline lifted and turned her head in response. “Your partner is Connor, and you guys will be working with Luna, the dark bay thoroughbred filly with the crescent moon–shaped marking on her head.”

  Adrenaline rushed through Connor’s body as he realized he would get to work with Caroline for the next several weeks. Together they turned to the field to look for their horse. She was in the middle of the herd, encircled by her playmates.

  “Looks like we’ve got the social butterfly of the group.” As Connor spoke, Rebel pushed his way through the horses, bumping into Luna’s shoulder as he went. Luna pinned her ears and bit Rebel on the rump, causing him to squeal and run off.

  “Or not.” Caroline glanced at Connor with eyes of doubt.

  Connor laughed. “Somebody has to put Rebel in his place.”

  “Alright, I think that’s everybody,” Dr. Carnes interrupted. “For l
ab today, we are just going to go in and meet your babies.”

  Connor heard Caroline suck in a quick breath. “Are you okay?” Connor questioned as they followed their classmates and teacher to the gate.

  “Yeah.” She avoided making eye contact. Connor studied her, and by her pale face and worried eyes, he knew that she wasn’t.

  “It’ll be alright. They all seem pretty friendly.” Connor tried to reassure her, but Caroline only nodded.

  The chain around the gate rattled as Dr. Carnes undid the clip on the end. He pushed the gate in, against the grass in the pasture. The young horses crowded around to greet all of the students. Connor made sure to keep Caroline close by. Dr. Carnes pointed out which baby was which. After just a few minutes, each pair had found their weanling.

  Connor approached Luna first, as Caroline stayed next to the fence, away from the horses. He held his hand out to her as he got closer, and the filly stretched her neck until her nose touched him. As Luna breathed in his scent, Connor took one more step to her and scratched her on the shoulder.

  He glanced back at Caroline. “She’s a sweetheart. You can come a little closer.”

  “I’m okay here.”

  Connor continued to scratch Luna. “I really think it’ll be okay. Come get to know her.”

  With small steps, Caroline drug herself away from the fence line and walked to Connor and Luna. The little horse flicked her ears forward, watching Caroline. As she got closer, she whinnied at her.

  “See, she likes you already.” Connor grinned at her. Caroline looked at him, pausing after every small step she took, but she kept coming.

  Caroline lifted her shaking hand out for Luna to see. The weanling took a step forward and pressed her muzzle into Caroline’s palm, licking her with her soft pink tongue. Connor watched as her shoulders relaxed, and a soft smile came across her face.

  “I told you.” Connor continued petting the horse’s shoulder.

  “Yeah, I guess you did.” Caroline rubbed Luna on her black forehead, right where the white crescent moon sat. “She’s pretty.”

  “Yeah, she is.” He took a step back to look at their horse. “And she’s built well too. She looks a lot like Stellar.”

  Caroline snapped her eyes up to his. “Why do you say that?”

  “She’s the only foal by him this year, if I’m remembering Dr. Carnes’ lecture correctly.”

  “Oh, right,” Caroline mumbled as the smile faded from her lips. She kept petting Luna, but Connor could sense something was bothering her again.

  “Okay, everybody. That’s all for today. We’ll continue with lecture on Wednesday, and for lab we will start working on teaching these guys how to walk on a lead.” Dr. Carnes began walking toward the gate.

  “Bye, Luna. See you Wednesday,” Connor gave her one last pat before they turned to follow their instructor out of the field. They walked without speaking until they were in the classroom.

  “Do you have any other classes today?” He broke the silence as he and Caroline grabbed their bags.

  “Yeah, chemistry, unfortunately.”

  “Ugh, good luck with that. It’s not easy.”

  “I was afraid of that.” Caroline checked her watch. “I better get going. I’ll see you Wednesday.”

  “Sounds good,” Connor gave her a small wave.

  Caroline walked out of the classroom as Connor finished gathering up his stuff. Most of the other girls had already walked out when Dr. Carnes walked in.

  “Oh good, Connor, you’re still here. I wanted to talk to you for a minute.”

  “Yes, sir?”

  “You have the most horse experience in the class, which is why I put you with Caroline. She doesn’t have any, and she seems anxious. Luna is sweet, but if she’s anything like her mother, or her siblings, there’s a stubborn and ornery streak in there that will show up from time to time. So just keep an eye out for that, and make sure to help Caroline through it, and feel free to take over with something if you think you need to.”

  Connor raised his eyebrows in confusion. “I’m sorry, sir, you said Caroline doesn’t have any horse experience?”

  “That’s right. But I think you’ll be able to help her catch up to the others. Are you okay with that?”

  “Yes, yes, I am.” Connor nodded his head, blinking to hide his surprise.

  “Good. Have a good day, Connor.”

  “Thank you. You too.”

  Connor walked to his truck, trying to make sense of what he just learned. Why would Caroline take the class if she was so scared? Why would she lie about her experience? He didn’t have the answers to his questions, but he knew someone who did.

  God, You know why. Can You show me the answers? Can You help me see what I am supposed to do?

  As he prayed, the verse from earlier came back to his mind. God had a purpose, a good purpose. He would just have to wait and see what happened, what plan God had in mind for the class, and for Caroline. And what reason she had for lying.

  In the meantime, he would do whatever he could do to help her.

  Three

  By the fourth stoplight on the way to the main campus, Caroline’s hands stopped shaking and she managed to take her first full breath in two hours. She wasn’t sure she could last a whole semester of feeling like this, but she wasn’t sure what other option she had. She needed a major, and horses had once meant everything to her. And maybe they could again.

  Turning into her parking garage, Caroline’s eyes locked onto the giant red, blue, and white block A on the athletic building across the street. She stared at it as she waited for the electric arm of the parking barrier to lift and let her in. She found a spot on the second floor. Glancing at herself in the rearview mirror, she was shocked to see how pale and clammy her face was. Her bangs were curling in response to the dampness of her forehead. All she wanted to do was go home, but chemistry and her first softball practice as a manager stood in her way. She tore herself away from her reflection and forced herself to get out of the car.

  As she walked out of the garage, Caroline pulled her phone out of the front zipper pocket of her backpack to check her schedule for the building and room number for her class. She saw she had missed three texts from Ryan while she had been at the farm and driving.

  12:45 PM: Hey babe, still meeting before practice?

  1:23 PM: Hello? You there?

  1:42 PM: Least you could do is acknowledge me.

  Caroline sighed. Ryan was not the most patient person, something she had learned in the three years they had been together. He liked making plans and sticking to them and got frustrated when they changed or fell through at the last minute. He was the star shortstop for the baseball team and was focused on playing professional baseball. She texted back.

  2:40 PM: Hey, sorry, I was in class, then driving. Yes, I’ll meet you in the union after chem.

  She opened the university app, found the information for her class, and began walking. Ryan answered her just a moment later.

  2:41 PM: Great!

  Well that was an easy fix, she thought to herself. If only everything could be that simple. All around her students hustled by, chatting and laughing as they headed to their classes. Their excitement was easy to feel, but she couldn’t share in it. She just wanted the day to be over.

  She located the building and room for her class and took a seat near the back, the cold metal of the chair pressing into her back. She pulled out her notebook and began to flip past the notes she had taken in weanling class. She paused, studying the shaky chicken scratch that filled the pages. She couldn’t decipher her own handwriting. She flipped over to a clean page. At least her hand would be steady for this lecture. Scribbled handwriting wouldn’t be the reason she couldn’t understand her notes for this class. Science was her least favorite subject, and chemistry wouldn’t be easy for her.

  Caroline tried to follow along with her professor, but her mind kept drifting to Ryan. They had met their sophomore year of high school, when they
had both made varsity, he in baseball, and she in softball. Focused on their sports, they had found common ground in wanting to be the best. They ran together and lifted weights, went to the batting cages and played catch, challenging each other to continue to improve and cheering each other on as they did. When they both received scholarship offers to the same school, they thought they’d be together forever.

  But in the last few weeks, Caroline hadn’t been so sure. Ryan had been great since her injury and was doing his best to support her, but he couldn’t relate to how it had affected her. Sometimes, it was hard for her to be around him, listening to him talk about baseball and his dreams. It wasn’t his fault he could still play, and she couldn’t, but that fact didn’t make it any easier for her to accept.

  Caroline blinked herself free from her thoughts and managed to take a few focused notes on the organization of the periodic table before the class ended. She packed up her things, imagining the reading and Googling she would have to do on her own time to understand the lecture she had just daydreamed through. Day one and she was already falling behind.

  She ambled toward the student union, eyeing the sprinklers as they sprayed down the grass on the mall, filling her nose with the false hope of rain. The sun danced on the water droplets as they were suspended in the air, giving them a shiny exterior before they plummeted to the ground. The drops had no control over where they landed. That’s how Caroline was feeling about her life.

  She turned around one last corner and saw Ryan in their usual meeting spot, leaning against a pillar, one leg bent at the knee with his foot pushing against it. His blond hair was hidden under his navy baseball cap, and the sturdy muscles in his forearms moved as he scrolled through whatever he was looking at on his phone. He was so intent on the screen that he didn’t see her until she walked right up to him. His sea-green eyes lifted to hers, and even after years of being together, his smile still brought heat to her cheeks.