Caroline's Purpose

by Erica Zaborac

  “Do you remember how join-up works?” Greg leaned on the fence next to Connor.

  “Yeah. She’ll move the horse around the circle, getting control of her movement to get her to trust and respect her.” Connor’s eyes were glued to his sister.

  “Yep. And what signs does she look for to see that it’s working?”

  “The mare will drop her head, she’ll lick her lips and chew, and her inside ear should turn toward Emily.”

  “Very good, kiddo.” His mom smiled at him. Connor smiled back at her as they all turned back to Emily and her horse.

  Emily stayed patient and kept her body language quiet, doing everything she was supposed to do to encourage the mare to accept her as her leader. She walked a small circle, keeping her focus on the horse working around her. Anytime the mare would whinny or find something else to look at, Emily would ask her to change speeds or go the other way.

  The mare was a beautiful mover. She trotted and cantered around Emily with a grace that couldn’t be taught. She was listening to Emily’s every command but wasn’t quite showing the signs of being ready to trust her. She sped up and slowed down and changed direction whenever she was asked, but her head was still up, and her ears were still fixated on everything but Emily.

  “Does it normally take this long?” Connor whispered, not wanting to interrupt.

  “It takes as long as it takes.” His dad whispered back. “Every horse is different. This one looks to be strong-willed, so it may take some time. But don’t worry, I’m sure your sister is much more stubborn.”

  “Yeah, and I wonder where she gets that from.” Connor’s mother directed her comment toward her husband through a sideways glance.

  As they spoke, Emily asked the horse to change directions. Turning, the mare twisted her hind end toward Emily and fired a kick in her direction.

  “Greg…” Jessica clutched the rail of the pen, her voice high-pitched with worry.

  “It’s alright, honey. Look, she’s handling it just fine.” Emily took charge, reprimanding the mare with her voice and sending her forward with the lead rope.

  Jessica sighed uneasily. Emily asked the mare to speed up and slow down and change directions again. The horse started to lower her head. Her ears started rotating, still torn between looking toward the outside world for an escape and finding her reprieve in the girl in the middle of the circle. Emily kept her moving, waiting for the right moment to ask the horse to join her.

  With one last change of gait from canter to trot, the mare’s ear locked onto Emily. She dropped her nose to the ground and licked her lips, showing the signs of accepting Emily. Knowing this was her opportunity, Emily stepped in front of the horse’s shoulder, asking her to stop.

  The mare read Emily’s body language and responded, halting and turning to face her, a look of hope shining in her big, hazel eyes. Emily turned her back to her, taking any pressure off her and allowing her to make her own decision.

  For most people, this part of the join-up was the hardest. It was about patience, waiting for the horse to walk up to them and ask to be their partner. But it was also about knowing when you had waited too long, when it hadn’t worked, and when it was time to send the horse back out to the rail.

  Connor’s eyes alternated between his sister and her horse. Emily was staring at the ground, being careful not to move. The mare was staring at Emily’s back, and Connor could read the debate going on in her mind through her body language. She wanted Emily, but she also wanted her freedom.

  Emily’s fingers twitched on the lead rope. Her eyes lifted and met Connor’s as she struggled with making the decision to wait or to put the mare back in motion. Emily’s shoulders lifted as she sighed. Connor noticed the slightest shift of her foot as she began to turn around, but she paused at just the right second. The horse was walking to her.

  Emily again stood motionless. The mare walked right to her and lifted her head to smell Emily’s, the color of her muzzle and coat matching Emily’s hair. Emily smiled as the mare’s breath tickled the back of her neck. Without turning to face her, she reached up and touched the mare’s white nose with one finger. The horse didn’t run or flinch, accepting Emily’s stroke.

  Emily moved forward, to see if she would follow her. The mare hesitated, but then took a few steps to catch up. When she stopped, Emily turned, taking her time, not wanting to startle her. This time when she reached out, she rubbed her shoulder. The horse turned her head toward her with kind eyes. Their partnership had been established.

  “Great job, Em. That was beautiful.” Jessica wiped at tears in her eyes.

  “It was, sweetie. I couldn’t have done it better.” Greg put his arm around his wife’s shoulders.

  “That was pretty cool,” Connor added, causing everyone to laugh.

  “Thanks, guys.” Emily continued petting the mare. “But it wasn’t me. It was all her.”

  §

  A rumble of monsoon thunder and a sudden gust of wind evaporated the memory and brought Connor back to his truck. The first few cold drops of rain hit his arm through the open window. He put his keys in the ignition and rolled up the windows as he pulled out of the parking lot and away from the farm. Sniffing and swallowing hard as he turned into traffic, he forced the lump of tears building inside his throat to subside. He needed to concentrate on driving home.

  Six

  The sunbaked metal bleachers started to burn the back of Caroline’s thighs through her shorts, forcing her to turn and adjust the faded red beach towel she was sitting on. All around her, fans focused on the first fall baseball game, and her former teammates were busy chatting about their classes, their own upcoming games, and the guys on the baseball team. Caroline heard bits and pieces of each conversation but struggled to participate beyond a nod or a smile here and there. Her mind was about four miles away, stuck down the road at the U of A farm in the weanling class.

  Monday would be her first practical with Luna.

  The filly was coming along well. During the past two weeks, Caroline and Connor had taught her how to walk on a lead line. Luna had been fussy at first, but they had gotten through it. She was now leading very well and would walk right next to either of her handlers. She could also halt when asked and back up a few steps, but there were still moments when Luna’s stubborn side would show up. She would sometimes stop and try to turn away from them or would speed up and try to take off. Luna wasn’t misbehaving or being naughty; she was just still testing her boundaries, like most young horses.

  Caroline knew that Luna wasn’t being mean, but it still scared her quite a bit when she would act like that. She would do her best to discipline the filly but would hand her over to Connor as soon as she could. Connor had been a great help and seemed to be learning when she needed him to step in. In the last couple of classes, she hadn’t even had to say anything. He had just come up and offered to take Luna, giving Caroline a break. Having Connor as her partner was the only reason she had made it this far in the course. He was helping her feel safe, and that made her want to trust him.

  But she wouldn’t have Connor’s help during the practical. They were going to be graded as individuals, each taking a turn with Luna, showing how she could walk, halt, and back up when asked. If Luna acted up in the middle of Caroline’s turn, it would be up to her to deal with it, and she wasn’t sure she was ready. Or if she ever would be.

  “Caroline, did you hear me?” Vanessa Lewis, a third baseman she had played with since high school, waved her hand in front of Caroline’s face.

  She blinked and shook her head. “Oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t. What’s up?”

  “I just said Ryan’s on deck. If he gets a homerun, he’ll have hit for the cycle. Where were you?”

  “Just lost in thought, I guess. I hope he gets it. He’s been working really hard.” Caroline looked toward the on-deck circle. Ryan had already had a great game. He had hit three for three, with a single, a double, and a triple. A homerun here would mean he accomplished some
thing very few players could.

  “Is he still getting calls from scouts?” Vanessa adjusted the part of the towel she was sitting on.

  “Yeah, here and there. They’ve been letting him know they’re watching his numbers and that they like what they see. He’s pretty thrilled about it.”

  “He should be. That’s pretty exciting.”

  “It is.” Caroline worked to keep a cheery tone in her voice.

  Vanessa studied her for a moment. “But it can’t be easy on you.”

  Caroline sighed and reached up to tighten her ponytail, buying time as she tried to come up with an answer to dismiss Vanessa’s statement. She looked back at her friend, but no words came. She just nodded her head in agreement.

  Vanessa seemed to understand. “Are you guys okay? Do you tell him it’s hard?”

  “We’re okay for the most part. He’s so happy and things are going so well for him that he doesn’t get what it’s like for me. I don’t want to take away from what he’s got going on, so I don’t talk about myself much. For his sake and for mine.”

  “I can understand that.” Vanessa reached over and squeezed Caroline’s arm. “Well, just know if you ever do need to talk about anything, you’ve always got me.”

  “Thanks, girl. I appreciate it.”

  “Anytime.”

  Both of them turned their attention back to the field as the batter in front of Ryan reached base with a single. Ryan walked up to the left-handed batter’s box and prepared for his chance to hit. The crowd grew almost silent, knowing what was at stake.

  Caroline held her breath as the opposing pitcher received the signal from the catcher and delivered the first pitch. The ball snapped into the glove, high out of the strike zone. The ump called ball one. The next pitch was pretty much the same and was called for ball two. The catcher called time out and jogged out to the mound.

  “They’re not gonna give him anything to hit,” Vanessa whispered.

  “Maybe they will,” Caroline uttered back.

  The catcher hustled back to home plate and got back down in his crouch. Caroline watched the pitcher nod, agreeing to the pitch, before stepping toward home plate. She could tell the ball was in the strike zone a second before Ryan swung. The pop of the bat as it made contact with the ball was all the crowd needed to hear to know it was out of the park. Caroline’s eyes followed the ball as it flew out over the fence in the gap between center field and right field.

  The fans hopped to their feet, cheering and stomping. Ryan’s teammates rushed out of the dugout, falling over each other in the rush to meet their hero. Stepping on third base, he high-fived his coach and sprinted into the huddle waiting for him at home plate. The guys jumped up and down, pounding him on his helmet and back.

  As the celebration dwindled, Caroline looked toward the mound. The pitcher’s shoulders were slumped, and he was staring at the dirt, kicking himself over how he had thrown that pitch. Even if it was a team sport, pitcher was a lonely position. Wins and losses were recorded by your name alone, and you controlled whether or not the ball stayed in or left the park. Caroline knew that thrill, and that sense of defeat, all too well.

  “Ryan Cole! Ryan Cole!” The chant echoed throughout the field as the crowd encouraged Ryan to come back out of the dugout for an encore. His sweaty blond head appeared, and he tipped his helmet toward the fans, thanking them for their encouragement. Everyone applauded and cheered.

  Caroline could see Ryan searching the crowd, and she knew he was looking for her. Their eyes met, and he gave her a big smile. Doing her best to smile, she gave him a small thumbs-up.

  As he went back down to the dugout, Vanessa elbowed her. “Even if he can’t understand what you’re going through, it’s pretty clear he’s still crazy about you. He just hit for the cycle and thousands of people are up here screaming his name, and he only wanted to find you.”

  “I know.” Caroline took a deep breath. “That’s what I’m holding on to.”

  The batter after Ryan hit a pop-up to the second baseman, ending the home half of the inning. Ryan and his teammates jogged back out to the field to their defensive positions. They were three outs away from winning, six runs to two.

  Caroline watched as Ryan took his warm-up grounders and noticed his focus and intensity, his passion for the game. These were the attributes that had made her fall for him all those years ago. These were the same attributes they had had in common.

  The inning was easy, three up, three down. As the teams on the field shook hands, the softball girls started getting up and moving around. Caroline stood with them and stretched.

  “We’re gonna go eat in the union, if you wanna come?” Vanessa put her bag over her shoulder.

  “I better wait for Ryan. I think he wanted to do something, but I’ll let you know for sure in a little bit.” Caroline’s eyes followed Ryan as he walked to the dugout. A few of his buddies slapped him on the back as they went, laughing and joking.

  Vanessa glanced down to where Caroline was looking. She cleared her throat, forcing Caroline to look at her. “Try not to take it personally if he goes out with those guys instead of you. He had kind of a big day.”

  “Yeah, I know. I’ll do my best.” Caroline sighed. “You guys have fun.”

  Caroline turned and walked down the steps of the bleachers, heading in the opposite direction of her friends. She found a small bench near the exit of the dugout and sat down to wait.

  Her mind drifted to Luna and the practical that was staring her down. She knew the steps she should follow if the filly acted up, but it was putting them into action that caused her to freeze. Anytime the young horse needed discipline, Luna would resist. The look on her face reminded Caroline too much of Beau.

  Maybe it was because they were brother and sister.

  Caroline had been drawn to Stellar’s picture in the entryway that first day at the farm. The photo of the dark stallion, back in his prime when he won race after race, was one she had seen before. She knew everything about him, since Beau had been from his first crop of babies. Beau hadn’t been much of a racehorse. He’d made only two starts and had finished close to last in both of them. He had come to her mother for training straight off the track. It didn’t take long to teach him how to jump or do dressage, as he was willing and talented. He won almost every three-day event he competed in and had taken Caroline to the Young Rider Championships. Beau had been a dapple gray, taking after his mother, but his face and eyes were the same as his father’s. The same as Luna’s.

  In class, she tried not to think about the fact that Luna was related to Beau, connecting the filly to her past, but some days it haunted her more than anything. They were so alike in how they moved and acted.

  “There’s my girl!” Ryan exclaimed as he came out from the dugout. Caroline stood, sending away the images that were dancing in front of her, and put a smile on her face.

  “Ryan, that was incredible. I’m so happy for you.” Caroline spoke into his shoulder as he pulled her into a hug.

  He stepped back and took both of her hands in his, his eyes sparkling. “I’m the first one on this team to do it in ten years. I really thought they weren’t going to pitch to me that last at bat. But then I saw that fastball right where I wanted it. I couldn’t have asked for a better pitch,” he rambled, squeezing her fingers.

  “Hey, Ryan, come on, we’re taking you out to celebrate, man,” one of Ryan’s teammates yelled before Caroline could say anything.

  Ryan looked at Caroline, his green eyes reflecting her face back at her.

  “It’s okay if you want to go with them,” she muttered. “It was a big day. I get it.”

  Ryan opened his mouth to answer his buddies without taking his gaze off Caroline. “Some other time, guys. I’ve got plans.”

  Caroline didn’t have to fake her smile this time. As his teammates laughed at him and made jokes about him picking her over them, he bent down and gave her a quick, soft kiss.

  “Come on, let’s go eat.
”

  “Sounds good to me,” she nodded as he turned, keeping ahold of one of her hands and leading her toward the union.

  As they walked, he began telling her about every pitch he had seen and which ones he had hit on his way to the cycle. Her smile faded a little, as she was once again reminded of the different places they were now at in their lives. Every dream Ryan had ever had was coming true, while she was struggling to find something to pursue, something to believe in. No matter how happy she was for him, it still hurt her heart when she thought about it.

  But what hurt more was that Ryan still didn’t seem to notice. He kept talking as she leaned against his arm, not realizing how quiet she had become. But every few sentences, he would squeeze her hand. It was a simple action, a small display of affection, and it reassured her that he still cared for her. Maybe his success hadn’t blinded him or made him forget what she was going through.

  And as she had told Vanessa, that hope was all she had to hold on to.

  Seven

  “Easy, girl,” Connor murmured in a quiet tone as he clutched the lead rope, trying to keep Jewel, the broodmare his dad was vaccinating, from moving around too much. They had been vaccinating for most of the afternoon, and the horses were starting to anticipate the pokes of the needle.

  The mare’s copper coat glistened as her muscles went rigid underneath her skin. Greg Taylor rubbed her neck, being patient as he waited for her to relax. Jewel dropped her head with a sigh, and in one fluid motion, Greg injected the drug. The mare didn’t flinch.

  “Thatta girl, Jewel.” Connor patted her neck before taking the halter off, freeing her to go back to her friends in the pasture. “Who’s left?”

  Greg looked at his clipboard, grasping the corner of the page as he studied the list of horses. “Looks like all we have left is Dream.”