Caroline's Purpose

by Erica Zaborac

  Caroline worked to keep ahold of the lead, as the cotton pulled and burned across the palms of her hands. She stepped to the side of Luna, as she had been taught, to get out of the way of the striking hooves. She could see Dr. Carnes and Connor coming toward her, but there wasn’t much they could do to help.

  “Luna, it’s okay. You’re alright.” Caroline tried to soothe the horse as tears threatened to spill down her face. “Please, Luna.”

  The filly lowered her front end back to the ground. Her eyes rolled around as she searched for the plastic bag, careening her neck in every direction. Luna looked so much like Beau had in his final moments, causing Caroline’s heart to ache.

  “Caroline, here let me take her.” Connor strode to her, his hands already extended to grab the lead rope.

  Luna jumped sideways at the suddenness of Connor’s movements, still startled from the trauma of the bag. Caroline put a hand on her shoulder to calm her, but the filly trembled under her hand.

  “Shhh, little girl, easy now. We aren’t gonna hurt you.” Caroline rubbed Luna with just the tips of her fingers, encouraging her muscles to relax.

  “Caroline?”

  “I’m okay, Connor. Give us a minute.” She never took her eyes off Luna and never stopped circling her fingers over her shoulder, waiting for the filly to calm down.

  Luna eyed Caroline with suspicion, but as the seconds passed, she leaned into her touch. She dropped her head and licked her lips with a gentle sigh, relieved that the trauma was over.

  “Um, Dr. Carnes?” Caroline called out as she continued to soothe Luna. “Do you want me to start over?”

  Connor and the instructor tried to hide their surprise that Caroline was ready to continue with the practical. Dr. Carnes glanced down at his clipboard as he cleared his throat. “No, that’s alright. If you just want to get her back in line with the second cone, you can pick up the trot and go on from there. But if you want, you can have a few minutes to refocus.”

  Caroline bit her lip as she studied Luna. The filly was standing still, enjoying the attention she was getting. Caroline felt Connor just a few steps behind her and could sense how he was ready to jump in and take Luna from her. But she knew if she handed her over before completing her practical, she wouldn’t be able to take her back. The last thing she needed was time to refocus, or time to think about what had happened.

  “I think we’ll just go for it, if that’s okay?” She gave Luna a final pat as she turned her back toward the cones.

  “Of course.” Dr. Carnes and Connor walked to the starting point of the pattern.

  Caroline paused a few steps from the second cone. Luna halted right next to her. “Okay, little one, let’s try this again. One step at a time, alright?”

  Their steps found a rhythm as they closed the distance between them and the second cone. Passing it, Caroline lengthened her stride and clucked, asking Luna to trot. The filly’s stride extended to match her handler’s, as she picked up the smooth and gentle gait. They covered the ground to the third cone in no time and slowed back down to the walk. Reaching the final cone, they halted in sync. Caroline turned, and Luna backed up right away, listening to the last request Caroline gave her as if the bag had never even touched her.

  “Good girl, Luna.” Caroline gave her a scratch on the neck before heading back toward Connor and Dr. Carnes.

  “That was very well done, Caroline. I’m impressed. Not many students would have opted to continue after dealing with all of that.”

  Caroline shrugged. “Thank you, sir.”

  Dr. Carnes nodded before he began looking for the next student to complete their practical.

  Caroline let her eyes find Connor’s. His expression showed a mixture of awe and worry. Caroline gave him a half smile. “You can take her now if you want. I don’t think she’ll do anything now. She definitely got it all out of her system with me.”

  Connor paused before he laughed, realizing she had turned his joke from earlier around back on him. He stepped up and took the lead rope out of her hands. “Yeah, I guess she did.”

  As her hands relaxed from the hold she had on Luna, Caroline felt the sting of the rope burn set in across her skin. She looked down and saw angry red lines beginning to show across her palms.

  “Rope burn?” Connor leaned in closer to get a look.

  Caroline closed her fists and dropped them to her side. “Yeah, but not too bad. I’ve certainly had worse.”

  “You have?” Connor’s face was curious.

  “Um, yeah.” Caroline stuttered. “Ride…I mean, playing softball, you can get pretty beat up.” Swallowing, she hoped Connor wouldn’t pick up on what she had almost said.

  “I thought you were just a manager?”

  “I am. I used to play.” Caroline pressed her lips together. It was the first time she had said this out loud.

  “Time to wrap it up. I think we’ve had enough excitement for one day,” Dr. Carnes announced, interrupting Connor as he opened his mouth to ask another question.

  “Behave yourself, little missy.” Caroline cupped her hands around Luna’s muzzle. The filly blew warm air across the rope burn. “I know you didn’t mean to do it,” she whispered into her fuzzy ears.

  She took a step back as Connor took off her halter. Walking toward the gate, the image of Luna’s face when she looked like Beau flooded Caroline’s mind. Tears welled up in her eyes as the ache in her took hold again.

  “Caroline, do your hands hurt that bad? You look like you’re gonna cry.” Connor touched her shoulder.

  She shook her head, dismissing his concern and her memory in one quick action. “No, I’m fine. It’s just the wind irritating my eyes.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yep, they hardly sting anymore. I’m good.” They entered the classroom and picked up their backpacks before heading to the parking lot.

  Connor stopped as they reached Caroline’s car. “I’d put something on your hands when you get home, even if they aren’t that bad.” Connor glanced down toward them as he spoke.

  “I will. I promise.”

  “Good. Well, I’ll see you Wednesday.” Connor smiled, then headed toward his truck.

  “See you then.” Caroline unlocked her car door and pulled it open, fighting the wind as it tried to rip it out of her hands. She slid in and slammed it shut.

  Shaking, she was unsettled by what had happened with Luna and how close she had come to accidentally telling Connor about riding. How close she had come to actually saying it out loud.

  She turned her hands over in her lap. The burns still stung, but the pain she felt from them was nothing compared to the hurt she felt inside her chest. She hadn’t missed Beau like this in a long time, and she wasn’t sure how to move past it.

  Caroline let the image of Luna play out in front of her. She held her breath as the familiar terror grasped her stomach and closed off her throat. As the scene continued, the dark bay filly turned into a large gray gelding. He wasn’t rearing but was lying on his side, fighting to get up. The emotions she felt coming from the horse matched the ones holding her hostage.

  Another gust of wind blew dust into her window, rattling the image from her mind. She started the car, pulled into the line of traffic leaving the farm, and did her best to focus on the bumper in front of her.

  Nine

  The vibrations of voices and footsteps added to the chaos of the student union. The wind of the day before had brought rain from a tropical storm in Mexico, forcing the students who liked to eat lunch in the open air to come inside. The tables were jam packed, and Connor couldn’t find a place to sit. He clutched the brown paper Burger King sack in his fist as yet another person collided with him.

  He sighed and shook it off, lifting his eyes above the jostling heads as he searched for somewhere he could eat. He turned the corner into the last section of seating and saw an empty seat at a high-top table for two. The girl sitting there was hovering over a textbook, a pen curled in her hand. Her foot and
her head bounced up and down in rhythm with the music from her headphones. As she threw her blond hair over her shoulder, Connor recognized her. He worked his way through the crowd to the edge of the table.

  “Caroline? Can I sit here?” Connor grasped the top of the chair with his free hand. Caroline kept her eyes down on the book in front of her, not hearing him over the noise in the union or her headphones. Connor went ahead and scooted the empty chair out, tossing his lunch sack on the table and slinging his backpack off his shoulder and over the side of the chair.

  Caroline dropped her pen as she jumped, startled by the motion in front of her. She reached up to pull her headphones out.

  Connor paused. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to surprise you. I asked if I could sit here, but you didn’t hear me.” Connor pointed to her headphones. “There’s nowhere else to sit. You aren’t waiting on anyone, are you?”

  “Oh, no, I’m not. Go ahead. Sorry I didn’t hear you. I was a little wrapped up in chemistry.” Caroline closed the textbook, leaving her pen in it to mark her page.

  “Chemistry or the private concert you had going on in your head?” Connor teased as he sat down. “To me, it looked like you were having more of a dance party than a study session.”

  Caroline’s cheeks turned from their normal light pink to a deeper shade of red. She folded her hands in her lap as she sat back in her chair. “Maybe you should eat your lunch before it gets too cold.”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.” Connor grinned as he pulled his burger, fries, and a few napkins out of the bag. He closed his eyes and bowed his head.

  Lord, thank you for the rain. I know it’s caused the union to be extra crowded and obnoxious today, but we need the rain here in the desert. It’s also allowed me this chance to sit with Caroline, so please show me how to be a friend to her. And thank you for this food that I am about to eat. In Your name I pray, Amen.

  Connor lifted his eyes as he unwrapped his burger. Caroline was staring at him, her expression one of curiosity and sadness.

  “You’re a Christian?”

  “Yes, I am. What about you?” Connor picked up his food and took a bite.

  “Used to be.” Caroline shrugged her shoulders as she tilted her head and smiled with half of her mouth.

  Connor thought about her statement as he chewed, trying to figure out how to respond. He swallowed. “Used to be,” he repeated. “Do you want to explain that?”

  Caroline sighed and rested her chin in her hand as she looked out over the sea of students in the union. When she looked back at him, Connor could sense the pain coming off her. “It’s a long story. Some other time, maybe.”

  Connor could tell he shouldn’t push her. “Alright, some other time then.”

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem.”

  Connor took another few bites in silence, considering where to take the conversation. He studied the navy polo shirt she was wearing, focusing on the red and white block-type A with “Arizona Softball” typed out underneath it.

  Caroline snapped her head down. “Do I have something on my shirt?” She stretched it out in front of her, examining it.

  Connor blinked as he realized he had been staring. “Oh, no, you don’t. Sorry. I was just looking at the embroidery. I was wondering about you and softball.”

  Caroline let go of the material. “What do you want to know?”

  “Well, you said you’re the manager for the team, but yesterday you told me you used to play. I guess I’m wondering why you stopped?”

  “That’s another long story.”

  “I’ve got time.” Connor smiled at her as he picked up a fry.

  Caroline eyed him, carefulness and hesitation showing on her face. Sighing, she ran her hand through her bangs. “On one condition.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I get to have a couple of fries.”

  Connor scooted the white cardboard container toward her and handed her a napkin. “Go for it.”

  Caroline took a few fries and set them down on the napkin. “Alright. So, my dad was a professional baseball pitcher, won a World Series with the Diamondbacks and everything. It’s because of him that I started playing when I was five and started pitching when I was eight.”

  “Daddy’s little girl?” Connor questioned as Caroline paused to eat a fry.

  “Yeah, I guess so. I was pretty good, and I enjoyed it, but I only played in the city league during the summers. I didn’t really start to focus on it until after the accid…I mean, until I was a sophomore in high school. I threw a no-hitter in the state championship game that year.” A wide smile spread across her face, causing her blue eyes to sparkle.

  “Wow, that’s awesome.” Connor realized it was the first time a smile had ever reached her eyes in the weeks they had been working together.

  “Thanks.” Her smile stayed in place. “It was after that game that I got invited to play with one of the best travel ball teams in the state. I started going to tournaments every weekend and had my first unofficial scholarship offer by the beginning of my junior year.”

  “You got more than one offer?” Connor interrupted.

  “Yep. I actually received four official offers. UCLA, Washington, Florida, and Arizona.”

  “Whoa.” Connor was impressed. He didn’t know much about sports, but he knew that this was a big deal, that all of her offers came from big schools. “I’m guessing you chose Arizona?”

  “Yeah, it was an easy choice. Tucson is my hometown. I grew up going to Arizona games, and the program here is kind of a legacy. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be a part of it.” Caroline stopped to put another fry in her mouth.

  “What happened then?” Connor finished his burger and crumbled the wrapper up, tossing it into the empty bag.

  Caroline exhaled. “I had a great freshman year. We went undefeated in the fall season, and in non-conference play. We had just one loss in Pac-12 play with me pitching. I was named Pac-12 Freshman of the Year. I was a top ten finalist for National Player of the Year. We went to the College World Series, and I dominated. I didn’t give up a run in three games, sending us straight to the championship series.” Caroline reached into her backpack and pulled out a water bottle, taking a swig before continuing.

  “The final game was a pitcher’s duel, scoreless until the bottom of the sixth inning, when my team finally scraped across two runs. All I had to do was get three outs, and the title would be ours. The first two hitters hit easy pop-ups to the infield. I tried not to think about it as I faced the last hitter. I threw a drop ball and a change-up for called strikes. I threw a curve ball that the girl fouled off. I followed with a rise ball, which she swung at and missed. Strike three, ball game, we won.”

  “Why do I get the feeling that’s not the happy ending?” Connor watched as Caroline reached down and took the last fry, popping it into her mouth.

  Caroline nodded as she chewed, her eyes shining with moisture. “It was happy, for about a second. As everyone ran to me, jumping and screaming and celebrating, this stabbing pain shot through my elbow. My hand went weak, and my last two fingers went numb. I tried to celebrate, but the pain was too much. I got hauled off to the emergency room. Partially torn tendon, and cubital tunnel syndrome. I had surgery, but my softball career was over.”

  “Caroline, I’m so sorry. That’s awful.” Connor clenched his hand into a fist to keep from reaching for hers across the table.

  “Don’t be sorry. I don’t need pity. It’s just the way my life is, apparently.” Caroline crossed her arms over her chest as she spoke.

  “I didn’t mean that I pity you. I just meant I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

  Caroline looked down at the table. “Thank you. But I’m still a part of the team. I get to be a manager.”

  “But that has to be hard on you.” Connor tilted his head to the side as Caroline looked back up at him.

  She studied him for a few seconds, her eyes full. “Yeah, it can be. But I’m maki
n’ it work.” She attempted to smile.

  Connor was beginning to fill in the question marks he had regarding Caroline and why she was taking the weanling class. She’d lost her escape from horses and was, maybe, trying to find her way again. As he thought of the weanling class, he remembered something else he had wanted to ask her since their practical.

  “I have another question, but I don’t have any more food to give you for your answer.” He gestured toward the empty fry box.

  Caroline laughed. “That’s alright. Go ahead.”

  “Yesterday, after Luna freaked out, you didn’t give her to me, or take any time like Dr. Carnes suggested. You just calmed her down and went back to the cones and picked up where you left off. How come?”

  Caroline’s eyes dropped to the table. “Well, I’m sure by now you’ve figured out I’m a little nervous around her?”

  Connor was shocked by her honesty. “Yeah, I have. But I wasn’t going to say anything.”

  She looked up. “I appreciate that. More than you know.” Her eyes held his and Connor could sense how sincere she was being. “Anyway, it was because of my fear. I knew if I gave Luna to you, that would be the end of it. I wouldn’t ever take her back. Not to do the practical, not at any other time in the class. I would have been done. If I hadn’t just kept going…”

  Her eyes went up to the ceiling as her voice broke off. Connor saw her close them and swallow before bringing her gaze back to him. She didn’t speak, but lifted both of her hands, palms up. Connor nodded, understanding.

  I think you’re amazing, he thought to himself, but bit his tongue to keep from speaking it. It wasn’t the time, and there was still a lot he wanted to know. Like why she was taking the class at all. He hesitated, as he tried to figure out if this was the right moment.

  Studying her, he realized she was looking past him. She smiled and waved at a group of guys as they walked by, but none of them acknowledged her. They were all focused on a tall blond guy who was gabbing away in the middle of their group. Connor watched her smile disappear as they passed. She stared down at the table, pulling at her fingers.