Caroline's Purpose

by Erica Zaborac

She lifted her eyes to his. “You guys don’t need to worry. I’m fine.”

  Her dad raised her eyebrows at her, eyeing the tissues once again. “I’m not sure I believe you.”

  Caroline rolled her eyes. “Alright, maybe not in this exact moment. But overall, I’m fine.”

  Doug smiled sideways. “Fair enough. Just know we’re here, okay?”

  Caroline nodded her head. “I know, Dad. I appreciate it.”

  He reached over and squeezed her hand. “Good. Well, I’ll let you get back to studying. Holler if you need anything.” He stood up and took a few steps to the door.

  “Hey, Dad?”

  “Yeah?” He turned back to face her, his hand on the doorknob.

  “Thank you.”

  Doug smiled at her. “No problem, kiddo.”

  As the door clicked shut, Caroline stood up, stretching her arms up over head. She rolled her right shoulder in a few circles, working out the tension and tightness that had built up. She turned toward her window and looked out over the trail-covered fields. A few horses and riders were headed out, reminding Caroline of another time she had worried her parents. Another time, years ago, that she had caused them concern, but under completely different circumstances.

  §

  The skin on her cheeks stretched under her smile. The cool breeze reminded her more of the winter that was leaving than of the spring that was coming, but the abundant sunshine was strong enough to keep her warm. Beau’s breathing was in rhythm with the step of his canter and his hooves padded the grass of the field beneath them. All too soon, the fence line came into view, signaling they were almost home.

  “Whoa, bud,” Caroline breathed out as she shifted her weight and gave a light pull on the reins, asking her horse to walk. Beau snorted and tossed his head, resisting her request. Caroline laughed and asked him again.

  This time Beau listened. As Caroline slid the reins through her fingers to give him his head, he sighed. “I know, big guy. I could’ve gone a lot longer, too, but we better get back.” She pointed him toward the gate that led back to the barn.

  Caroline kicked her feet out of the stirrups as they strolled through the field, rolling her ankles in circles. She ran her fingers through his mane, smiling at how far they had come.

  They had made the move up to preliminary last year, and in just two weeks, they would make their one-star debut. Caroline was excited for the challenge and happy they were one step closer to her goal of competing at the Young Rider Championships that summer.

  Her phone buzzed from the pocket of her light jacket. She put the reins into one hand, working the zipper and pulling her phone to where she could see it with the other. Four missed calls and twice as many texts from her mom. She read the last one first.

  Mom, 3:33 PM: Getting really worried. Going to tack up and come look for you.

  Caroline’s eyes focused on the time typed out next to the text. She had been out riding for over two hours. “Oops. We were gone way too long, bud.” She sent a quick text back.

  3:34 PM: Sorry. Almost home.

  She locked her phone and slid it back into her pocket. She picked up the reins and her stirrups but didn’t ask Beau to go faster than a walk. He needed to cool down before they got to the barn.

  Reaching the top of the last hill, she could see the front of the barn. Its white paint was welcoming, with large flower pots hanging down from the front beam. Her mom and her dad were standing near the doorway, waiting for her, both of them waving as they approached.

  Caroline stopped Beau a few feet from the barn. She swung her right leg over his back and dropped to the ground. She barely got her stirrups pulled up before her mom was giving her a hug.

  “Caroline, honey, what happened? You were gone for so long. We were so worried.”

  Hugging her back, Caroline worked to keep one hand holding on to Beau. “Nothing happened, Mom. I just lost track of time.”

  Her mom looked at her, blinking twice. “But you didn’t answer your phone.”

  “I didn’t hear it or feel it. We were having such a nice ride. I’m sorry.”

  “You have to be the only fourteen-year-old girl in the world who doesn’t notice when her phone goes off.” Her dad stepped forward and put an arm around his wife.

  “Yeah, but is that really a bad thing?” Caroline smiled as Beau lifted his head and blew into her ear.

  Her parents looked at each other before laughing. “No, I guess it isn’t. Come on, let’s go get this guy untacked.” Her mom reached out and stroked Beau on the shoulder as Caroline led him into the barn.

  §

  Caroline blinked and tore herself away from the window. Finding a clean tissue, she wiped at the tears running down her cheeks, then opened her laptop to resume her homework. Focusing on school might distract her from the pain she was feeling.

  And it would keep her from wondering if she would ever find a way to be that happy again.

  Fifteen

  Connor could tell it hadn’t gone well as soon as she walked into the classroom. Caroline’s eyes were red and puffy, and her face was pale. She didn’t look like she had slept at all since he had seen her on Saturday. But since she had slipped into her seat seconds before class started, he would have to wait to find out any details.

  Caroline pulled out her notebook and wrote the date across the top. Even though they were listening to presentations all week, they still had to take notes. They would be tested on the material their peers taught them.

  Connor did his best to focus on his classmates and their presentation, but every time he heard Caroline sniff, he got more anxious. Looking at her through the corner of his eye, he saw her hand shaking, not quite the trembling she had shown at the beginning of the semester, but enough to change her neat handwriting into soft scribble.

  Without taking his eyes away from the students presenting, he tore off a small corner of his paper. Are you ok? he printed in little letters. He slid the note to her until it touched her elbow. Caroline looked down. She reached for the paper, bringing it closer with her fingers. She blinked twice, adjusting her eyes so she could read the small print.

  Caroline lifted her eyes to his. One side of her mouth lifted in an attempt to smile as she shrugged her shoulders. Connor nodded his head in reply as Caroline folded the note and stuck it into the pocket at the front of her binder.

  Connor sighed as he refocused on the presentation at the front of the room. She wasn’t okay, that much was obvious, but they didn’t have time to talk about it, and they couldn’t keep passing notes. They needed to pay attention.

  As Kaitlin and Maddie wrapped up their presentation on Clinton Anderson, Dr. Carnes reached into his ball cap to pull out the names of the next presenters. Connor crossed his fingers, hoping it wouldn’t be their turn. He could tell Caroline could use a few more days before standing up in front of a room full of people.

  “Thank you, girls. Well done,” Dr. Carnes spoke as he wrote one last note down on his grading sheet. “Does anyone have any questions for them?” No one raised their hand.

  “Alright then, next up we will have Connor and Caroline. Let’s take a five-minute break to let them get ready.” Dr. Carnes looked to where they were seated, and Connor felt his stomach drop. A few of their classmates stood, their chairs screeching across the floor as they headed outside for the short break.

  Caroline clicked her pen and set it down on her notebook, bending over to pull out her index cards from her bag on the floor. Connor cleared his throat. “Caroline, do you want me to ask Dr. Carnes if we could go later in the week? I could tell him you’re not feeling well.”

  Caroline turned back around to face him, the index cards wobbling in her shaky hands. “I’m okay,” she swallowed. “We better go ahead and do it, so he doesn’t take points off for not being ready.”

  “I’m not worried about the points, if you need time.”

  “I appreciate that, but I’ll be okay.” Caroline tried to smile as she nodded her head.

>   “Alright, let’s do it then.” Connor reached down to his backpack and pulled out his own cards and his flash drive. Together they walked to the front of the classroom.

  Connor squatted down so he was even with the computer on the table, plugged the flash drive in, and waited for it to open up. He found their PowerPoint and called it up, selecting the slideshow option. Standing, he made eye contact with Caroline. “Ready?”

  “Yep.” Again, Caroline tried to smile.

  Connor smiled back at her while their classmates settled back into their seats. He nodded his head at Caroline, encouraging her to begin.

  Caroline opened her mouth to talk, but only a small sound came out. Lord, give her strength to get through this. Help me help her, whatever that may look like. Connor shifted his weight toward her, debating if he should take over for the first slide. Before he could do anything, Caroline closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she looked back at him, her entire expression had changed. Her face shone with a confidence he hadn’t seen in her before.

  “Pat Parelli utilizes seven games as the foundation of his training program. He developed these games by watching horses interact with each other. He uses them to establish trust and acceptance with the horse, and to improve communication between horse and handler.” Caroline looked over to Connor, nodding her head, indicating to him that he could move on to the next slide.

  Connor hit the next button, trying to hide the shock he was feeling for how Caroline had pulled herself together. Hesitating, he took a moment to put his thoughts in order, as it was his turn to speak. “The first of these seven games is the Friendly Game. The purpose of this game is to get the horse used to your presence and to get him comfortable with you touching him.” Connor clicked on the screen, playing a video Caroline had recorded of him playing the Friendly Game with one of the horses at his ranch. Caroline described everything he was doing as the video played.

  Her confidence stayed throughout the whole presentation. Before Connor knew it, their required fifteen minutes passed, and they were headed back to their seats. Reaching their table, he had to fight himself to keep from giving her a hug.

  “I’d say that went well,” Connor picked up his pen and adjusted his notebook.

  Glancing at him, Caroline took a drink out of her water bottle. “Yeah,” she said after she swallowed. “I’m sorry for how it started though.” The tired sadness had returned to her eyes.

  “No need to be sorry. It all worked out.” Connor studied her, wondering if he could ask how she did it. He opened his mouth, but Dr. Carnes’s voice rang out instead.

  “Alright, gang, we don’t really have time for another one today, so let’s get an early start on lab. Grab halters, lead ropes, and brush buckets, and we’ll meet at the pasture gate.”

  Connor slapped his notebook closed and scooted his chair back. “You wanna grab the brush bucket and I’ll grab the halter?” he asked Caroline as he packed his stuff and stood.

  Caroline was moving a little slower than he was, not as eager to get outside. “Sure.” She closed her binder as Connor headed out the door, in a rush to get to talk to her.

  He grabbed the soft, light-pink halter they had been using on Luna and pulled the white cotton lead rope off the hanger. He clipped the snap to the ring at the bottom of the halter, pausing for just a moment to catch his breath.

  Connor had been in such a hurry, he was the first one to reach the pasture. All of the babies were grazing, the fall breeze lifting the ends of their tails. Connor clucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Two heads popped up, their black and red coats glistening in the sun. With ears perked forward, Luna and Rebel came trotting to him.

  Rebel reached him first, but only by two steps. Luna pushed her way past him and put her head over the gate. Connor extended his palm, and Luna leaned forward to lick it.

  “Hi, pretty girl. Can you do me a favor?” Connor spoke under his breath as the filly continued to search his hand with her tongue. “Caroline is having a rough time today, so can you try your hardest to be on your best behavior?”

  Luna sighed and shook her entire body, freeing a small cloud of tan dust from her coat. Connor smiled. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

  Several voices diverted his attention back toward the barn. He glanced over his shoulder and saw the rest of the class coming. Everyone walked with their partner, chatting and laughing, except for Caroline. She was in the back, her eyes down at the ground. Connor regretted rushing out on her. Lord, help me be a friend to her. Show me what she needs.

  Dr. Carnes walked to the front of the group and opened the gate. “Alright, everybody. Let’s get all of the weanlings caught and take them over to the dry lot by the barn. We’ll continue working on the trail course, and I want all of them to get a good grooming today. The nights are starting to get colder, and we want to make sure their coats are clean, so they stay warm.”

  Caroline stayed in the back of the group as Connor went in and haltered Luna. As they walked to the dry lot, Caroline fell into step beside them.

  Connor swallowed, then cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I was in such a hurry in the classroom. I didn’t mean to make you walk by yourself.”

  One side of Caroline’s mouth lifted. “Oh, no worries. I didn’t even give it a second thought. No need to be sorry. I’m fine.”

  Connor turned his head and raised his eyebrows at her.

  Caroline chuckled. “Alright. Maybe I’m not fine. But I meant we’re fine.”

  “Fair enough,” Connor laughed as they passed through the gate to the dry lot. “What do you think, should we groom her first? Then practice the trail course?”

  “Sure, sounds good.”

  They walked Luna over to the barn and found a place out of the way of the trail course. Caroline set the brush bucket down on the ground behind Connor and grabbed a round curry comb. She slid the strap over her hand and approached Luna’s shoulder. She reached out, touching the filly with her bare hand first, before applying the curry. As she started rubbing Luna’s coat in a circular motion, the young horse leaned into her touch. Connor studied Caroline’s face. The sadness and tension started to leave her with every circle she made on Luna’s coat.

  Connor rubbed the crescent moon on Luna’s forehead. “Caroline, can I ask you something?”

  Caroline lifted her eyes to his as she continued working on Luna’s coat. “Yeah, go ahead.”

  “Back in the classroom, when we started our presentation, it seemed like you couldn’t do it. You started to talk, but nothing came out. Then all of a sudden, you flipped a switch, and you were fine.” Connor paused, taking a breath.

  Caroline stared at him. “I guess I’m waiting for a question?”

  Connor laughed. “Right. Well, I guess I’m just wondering how you did it.”

  A slight hint of red came across Caroline’s cheeks as she looked back down to Luna’s coat. “If I tell you, you’ll either laugh at me, or think I’m crazy.”

  Connor grinned. “What if I promise to do neither?”

  Caroline rolled her eyes. “I don’t think you can make that promise.”

  “I think I can. I won’t laugh. I just want to know.”

  Caroline looked at him, her eyes doubtful, her cheeks still red. “Alright, I’ll hold you to that.” She slid the curry comb off her hand and reached for the lead rope. “Do you want to get her other side?”

  “Sure thing.” Connor handed her the rope as he slid the curry over his own hand. He started working at Luna’s shoulder.

  Caroline sighed, running her fingers through Luna’s forelock. “In high school softball, we were the Colts. That was our mascot. Our coach put a horseshoe on the wall by the entrance to the bullpen. When we got to the field for practice or a game, we would touch it. It was our way of leaving everything from our day outside, so we could focus on what we needed to do. Just a little mental trick. Obviously, I needed to focus on our presentation, so I pictured the horseshoe and touched it in my head.”


  Connor watched as her cheeks turned a deeper red. Caroline wouldn’t look up at him. She just kept running her fingers through Luna’s forelock. “Hey, I’m not laughing,” Connor reassured her as he put the curry comb away and reached for the stiff bristled brush.

  “True, but you have to think I’m crazy.”

  “No, not at all.” Connor began to work Luna’s coat with the brush. “That’s an important memory to you, and it’s still something that works now. There’s nothing crazy about that.”

  Caroline looked up then, her head tilted sideways, some of the red disappearing from her face. A slight smile crossed her lips. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” Connor stepped around Luna’s shoulder and passed Caroline the brush, taking the lead from her as they switched places. “Can I ask you something else?”

  Caroline chuckled. “Sure.”

  “What happened with Ryan?”

  “I figured that was coming.” Caroline flicked her wrist a couple of times as she brushed Luna’s shoulder. She took a deep breath, then let all of the air come out in a rush from her mouth. “We decided to take a break.”

  “So, things didn’t go well?”

  “No, not really.” Caroline paused from brushing Luna and met Connor’s eyes. “I really am sorry about what he did.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. He did it, not you.”

  “But it was my fault. I’ve changed, and he doesn’t know how to take it.” She looked away, refocusing on Luna’s coat.

  Connor studied her again, watching her face and eyes as she brushed Luna’s rump. He couldn’t decide whether or not to ask his next question. Caroline turned to him, handing him the brush. “I think we can clean her hooves now.”

  Connor took the brush from her and gave her the rope. Bending down, he pulled the hoof pick from the bucket. When he straightened, Caroline had a small smirk on her face.

  “What?”

  “You can go ahead and ask.”

  Connor felt shock work its way into his face. “How’d you know I have another question?”

  “Just an observation.” Caroline dropped her eyes, pulling on stray strands of cotton hanging from the lead rope. “It’s getting pretty easy to read you.”