Thinking of You

by Cassandra Javier

 

  Chapter 7

  A month has passed when I decided to go and see Dean. I went to his house one day, with Alvin waiting in the car. I was waiting at the porch when his mom came out. I didn’t know what to say. I was thinking, she might be so angry at me by now that she might’ve wanted to slap me on the face but instead she held out her arms, motioning for a hug. I couldn’t help but cry.

  She went up to me and said, “How are you?”

  “I’m good…” I said, my voice broken. “I’m sorry…”

  She just nodded her head and smiled at me. Just then, Dean went out. “I’ll leave you two now.” His mom said as she squeezed my hand. It was only Dean and I then.

  A moment passed until the two of us both took in what was happening. We went up to each other and he held me, as we were both shaking in between sobs. It seemed to be while until we stopped.

  He looked at me and asked, “How are you?”

  “I’m good…” I said, “I didn’t mean to be but…”

  “It’s okay.” He said.

  “Sorry…I’m just so sorry…”

  “No, I am…” He said, “I should’ve asked you what I should’ve asked you, you know? I should’ve been more sensitive. So that you didn’t have to run…”

  “And I should’ve had the courage to say what I needed to say… before the wedding day.”

  Another pause and then he said, “So… I bet you met someone.” He smiled.

  “Dean, I… I didn’t mean to. I hope you believe me when I say that. When I left, it was so hard. I thought of you… I was thinking of you. I knew it was unfair. But I had to do it. I was so lost. You didn’t deserve that. I left because I had to find what was lost within me. Little did I know that it was him I needed to find.” I told him, my voice clotted with tears, “So what am I saying? It was all a matter of perfect timing. It was all fate and choice… It was what was meant to be. Because… because what if we got married? What if I stayed? It would be unfair… To you, to me, to him… And when I saw him, I just… I just knew.”

  “Knew what?”

  “Knew that he was certainly the one. Without doubts, without hesitations. I was sure. And I never felt that way with you.” I said, “Dean, you are a wonderful guy. You’re great, you’re very nice, you’re smart… But… But love is not about being perfect… It’s just… It wouldn’t be fair if I stayed. I loved you, I did. But I guess our time is up… I’m not the one for you. But I know you’ll find her. You deserve to.”

  He nodded his head and said, “Are you happy?”

  I nodded my head, “I am.” I said.

  “That’s all I needed to hear.” He said and hugged me. He held tightly for a while and then let go. “I just wish you well.”

  I cried, knowing how much of a good man he is, knowing he was willing to understand. “I hope one day you’d forgive me.”

  He nodded his head and held me by my shoulders.

  “Dean, there’s still one thing I have to tell you.”

  “What is it?” He said.

  “He’s here with me now.” I answered, “He wants to talk to you.” I said, as we both looked to the car where Alvin was.

 

  Chapter 8

  (ALVIN)

  That moment was one of the hardest moments I had to see, but I am so glad that I was there to see it. It was difficult to see the woman I love crying because she felt like she hurt the man who loved her so much; the man who wanted to marry her; the man whom she was supposed to marry. And yet, I was so proud of her—for at that moment I realized, she was one of the bravest girls I knew.

  She looked at me from where she was. And I know that was it. That was the sign. I got out of the car and walked towards her and Dean.

 

  Chapter 9

  Alvin walked towards Carlene and Dean. He and Carlene held hands slightly as they crossed paths. Carlene went towards the car and Alvin walked up to Dean. He and Dean were quiet for quite a while. Neither of them knew what to say.

  “So I guess you’re the lucky guy…” Dean quipped.

  “If you’d call me that.” Alvin said. “It’s Alvin.” He motioned for a handshake and Dean shook his hand. “Dean,” Alvin said, “I know you have all the right reasons to be mad at me. I won’t blame you. But I wouldn’t want you to get mad at her. She’s been through so much. And believe me, she thought of you all the while. It’s just… You know Dean, I think all of this wouldn’t have happened if years ago I already told her what I needed to tell her. I should’ve already told her how much I love her, how much she means to me. I wish I did. Because if I did, all this mess wouldn’t be here. I was just so blessed to have seen her again. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I let the moment pass by again.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t tell her years ago.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  “Because if you did, I probably wouldn’t have met her. The times I had with her were the best times in my life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.” Dean said, almost about to cry. “And now, even if it’s over, and I know it would take a while for me to recover…I have to say I don’t regret it. Not at all. She’s a blessing. And I love her. And I wish you won’t hurt her.”

  “That I can promise you.” Alvin said. “I would never, ever hurt her. She is my princess.”

  At that moment, Dean nodded his head and tapped Alvin by the shoulder. “So,” Dean said, “Goodluck then.”

  “Thank you.” Alvin said and walked back to the car where Carlene was waiting for him. He squeezed Carlene’s hand as he opened the door of the car for her, “he’s a good man, Carlene.” He said and kissed her on the forehead.

  “He is.” Carlene smiled and looked back at Dean. She saw Dean wave his hand and smile. She did the same thing. To her, it was a gesture that said, “Thank you”, “I’m sorry”, “I love you” and “I wish you the best” all at the same time. It was a gesture that said that even if things may not be fully understood now, sooner or later, it will. It was a prelude to all the things that could be, and an ending to all the things that have been. She gave him one last smile until she finally went inside the car and went away with Alvin.

  The best thing I realized though is this: Love isn’t something you selfishly hold. It has its own wings so it must be set free. Until the time comes that someone wants to be tied to you, you have to let someone be and trust love’s coming and going, no matter how hard it may be.

 

  Chapter 10

  (Dean)

  At that moment, everything seemed to turn around. Seeing Alvin and Carlene leave brought me a lot of different emotions: a feeling of sadness because at this point, I know I have finally lost her. I was also scared because what if I wouldn’t find the one? But nonetheless, I was also happy. Because at that moment, I knew that Carlene was happy, and that she was sure of what she was doing. At that moment, I knew how much I loved her, how I guess, I still do, and how I probably always will. I knew at that point that there would always be a place in my heart for her. But I trust the future and I trust God with whatever comes. I hope for the best. I just hope for the best.

  Epilogue

  (2 years later)

  I close the photo album, feeling happy and nostalgic at the same time. Relinquishing old memories always has a tinge of something that will tug at your heartstrings. Probably, it’s because those moments are over and done, and they’re all but a part of your yesterday. I put the photo album back in its box and put the box inside my luggage. I am leaving New York today, knowing that I will come back to the Philippines as a full, dignified woman. No more hang-ups, no more confusion, no more anything, but a heart full of love and longing.

  A month after that incident in Dean’s house, I left for New York to finally fulfill my dreams. I did it for me, and for Alvin. I wouldn’t wanna be unfair to anybody again.

  I’m returning to finally prepare for my marriage with Alvin, and Lili’s marriage to Henry. It will be
a double wedding and I am just so excited.

  I’ve also heard that Luke and Rachel are in a beautiful relationship now. I am so happy for them.

  As for Dean, we’re good friends now, writing each other every now and then. He keeps on telling me about Audrina (whom he fondly calls the “gypsy girl”), saying she is his constant companion, but that he didn’t know if he should go at it or not. He’s known her for 6 months now and by the way he writes about her, I can tell there is something, but he’s still confused about what to do. I wish them well.

  As for me, I have everything now, and more. And I am just so thankful. I realized, what shapes our lives are the decisions we make and the paths we choose. And I know now, I wouldn’t have my life any other way.

  -end-