A second hand slung around my waist, pulling my body back towards his.
Unable to move in his grip, I opened my mouth and bit into his fingers with all force.
“Ouch!” Jaden gasped into my hair.
I had never experienced Jaden like this. He was like a different person. Like someone had switched off all his self-control.
He freed me from his arms and pushed me to the floor with a hard hit on my back. My wrists hit the hard wood as I tried to catch my weight so I wouldn’t fall onto my face. But before I could feel the full weight of my body resting on my arms, two hands grabbed my shoulders and turned me around.
“Jaden!” I hissed at him. “What’s wrong with you?”
I struggled, trying to free my feet; but the more I fought the harder his force became.
He was kneeling over me, pinning me down against the floor with one hand at my throat, the other one holding down one of my arms.
I used the chance and hit him in the face with my free hand.
“Jaden. Get. Off. Me.” I coughed as the air started to get stuck in my throat.
The impact of my fist seemed to get his attention. He stopped for a few seconds—enough for me to free my second arm and remove his hand from my throat.
I gasped for air.
“Jaden, what is wrong with you?” I choked.
“Wrong,” he repeated the word as if musing. “How long have I been waiting—” His eyes started to glow over me; two golden orbs in the darkness.
“Waiting for what?” I panted, unclear of how much danger I was in.
“I should just kill you myself,” he whispered.
“What?” I wasn’t sure if I could trust my senses.
Ben would hear us. He would come and help.
“I can’t protect you. I shouldn’t.” He laughed darkly.
“I don’t understand.” I felt as if lightning had just struck me in the head.
“There is no point in protecting you now.” The hardness in his voice emphasized the meaning of what he was telling me.
“Jaden—what are you talking about?” I tried to sit up and crawl out from under him.
Where was Ben when I needed him?
“I am lost, as are you.” His voice was dull and hopeless.
I blinked, uncomprehending.
“Jaden—” My voice was shaky.
“You are Agnes Hall’s granddaughter,” he stated the simple fact with an unreadable expression on his face, and got to his feet, suddenly letting go of me.
The clouds outside drifted away and revealed Jaden’s face with a beam of pale light. He looked undecided, his eyes fixed on me, his body frozen in place.
I didn’t move, too surprised by what was happening.
After a long pause, Jaden finally moved.
“I made a bargain, Claire,” Jaden said, his face unreadable. “You are my last chance.”
He offered a hand to help me up. I didn’t take it, not trusting the situation.
“But—I—” I struggled for the right words. “How? What?” I pushed myself up and straightened until I was standing beside him.
“You are my last chance to redeem myself.”
He looked away. His face was nothing like before. He seemed embarrassed and a little bit in pain.
I studied him frantically, not sure whether to be afraid or not.
He turned back to me, staring with a familiar intensity. It was the same look I had seen so many times in his eyes. Burning. Caring. The way the Jaden I knew had always looked at me.
“You are my last chance to redeem myself, Claire,” he repeated.
“Jaden—” I tried. “Would you please explain?” My fear evaporated and I allowed myself to sink into his gaze.
“I made a mistake in 1947,” Jaden started. “Everything began with my assignment to a new fosterling. The last one had died of old age after a full and happy life. He had had a beautiful, loving wife, two sons, and two granddaughters, and he was ready to go.” Jaden smiled at the memory of a peaceful ending.
“I got my next assignment right away. A little girl had been born—too early to survive healthily. I rushed to her aid immediately.
“Her mother was exhausted from giving birth, and the girl was barely alive...,” he mused into the silence. “But there was something about her that made it clear she wanted to live. She was tough. Her tiny lungs barely capable of breathing, her heart beating weakly, but her will as strong as iron, even then.
“I had to save her. I didn’t think—I just did it.” Jaden paused for a moment, watching my expression.
“The baby girl grew into a smart kid, always curious about the world around her and more perceptive to the invisible forces of good and evil than any human I had ever seen before.
“She grew into a young woman. Beautiful and courageous. She had a mind of her own and didn’t abide by any rules society dictated back then.” He marveled at the memory. “She was a free spirit.”
I watched him gaze into the distance for a few moments before he continued.
“It was the first time I caught myself having feelings for a mortal. The type of feelings we are forbidden.” He lowered his head, shame in his features.
“I didn’t mean to. She just was so overwhelmingly beautiful. Inside and out. She had the purest soul I had ever seen. And I was her guardian angel. I had excuses to be near her, to check in on her.
“I didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late. One night, she almost died. She got caught in the current of the river.”
I was listening to his words, waiting for the point where he would explain why he thought it would make sense to kill me.
“I revealed myself. After saving her from the water, I stayed with her to make sure she would be fine. She saw me, she realized who I was, and she asked me to stay with her.
“And I did. I couldn’t deny her anything. She was the center of my universe. And I was craving for her attention, for her acknowledgment, just like a teenage boy, and I wanted to be with her. I loved her.”
Jaden’s eyes glowed ever so slightly.
“Her name was Agnes,” he smiled a pained smile. “Agnes Hall.”
I gasped.
“You were in love with my grandmother?” I coughed. I couldn’t believe it.
“Agnes liked me. Not the way I liked her—loved her—but enough to want me around. And I stayed. As long as she wanted me.”
Jaden made a long pause. I was beginning to wonder if I would hear the rest of the story when he took a deep breath and continued.
“Remember Jenna said she had seen me argue with Agnes?”
I nodded, vividly recalling Jenna’s coldness when I had introduced Jaden. She had witnessed an argument between my grandmother and my guardian angel.
“That was the day I tried my luck. I kissed her.” He touched his lips with his fingertips absently.
“I stole one single kiss. And that’s all. I knew it wasn’t right. That I shouldn’t be in love with a human. But I couldn’t help it. And she suffered from my mistake.”
His voice grew darker.
“I put her in danger with my selfishness. All I wanted was to experience love once. I had felt love—but only second-hand through my fosterlings. I had watched countless times when they had fallen in love. I wanted to feel it and understand it. And it was my turn—Agnes was my chance.”
He fell silent.
“What happened, Jaden?” I asked. “Why did you fight?”
He measured my expression for a moment and sighed.
“I was replaced.”
I didn’t understand.
“What do you mean—replaced?”
“I was assigned to a new fosterling. Someone who needed my full attention.” Jaden had leaned against the wall. He looked at me, his golden eyes full of pain.
“Agnes got a new guardian angel. The fight happened when I told her I was leaving. My wish to experience love, to feel human, had hurt her, and there was nothing I could do about it.”
I swallowed, tasting the bitterness in his words.
“Why would you want to kill me?” My voice was toneless.
He looked up at me, his face unreadable. But his mouth didn’t open to speak.
“Jaden?” I tried.
He sighed and his head dropped down.
“Since your grandmother, I haven’t managed to protect one single fosterling.”
I gave him a questioning look.
“All of them died an untimely and unnatural death,” he explained. “It is as if I am cursed.”
He looked desperate.
“What good does it do trying to protect you, Claire? I’m going to fail you anyway. You will get killed because I can’t protect you. And I won’t redeem myself—again.”
“Redeem yourself?” I wanted to know.
He smiled a half-smile.
“I broke the rules, Claire. As a guardian angel, the top rules are to never reveal yourself to a mortal unless it is an emergency, and never fall in love. And the odds are not in my favor when you look at my history.” He gave me a meaningful look.
“We need to stay neutral in order to see the fosterling’s path. To know when their time has come and to be able to let go.”
I was listening quietly, not daring to interrupt his words out of fear they would cease if I threw in one of the many questions that were taking shape inside my head.
“When I almost lost you, I was called in to be reassigned to someone else. They didn’t trust me after all that had happened. But I couldn’t bring myself to leave you. I couldn’t hand you over to someone new.
“Claire, I haven’t been neutral since the day your grandmother looked at me and saw me for what I am. It’s like a curse. And I need to protect you—guide you through your life until your time has come. I owe it to Agnes.” Jaden’s face was apologetic. Pleading, almost.
“So I made a bargain. I can keep protecting you, but in return, I loose all my guardian angel privileges. I can’t feel you like before. I need to be close to you in order to know how you are.”
His hand balled into a fist and he shook his head in frustration.
“There is more, isn’t there?” I finally spoke. I could see it in his eyes. In the pained expression his features were holding.
“Jaden, what is it?” I pushed.
“I had to give up all of my guardian angel privileges.” He repeated. This time his words had a new meaning.
“If I fail, I can’t ever return home.”
“Home?” I asked.
“Home—” He nodded. “Home, the light, heaven, whatever you want to call it.”
My heart sank.
“Jaden, what have you done?”
He merely smiled.
“I did the right thing. You are Agnes’ granddaughter. It is a gift that I am allowed to protect you. It’s worth any punishment if I fail.”
He stepped towards me with outstretched arms and pulled me into his embrace.
“But you are more than that to me,” he breathed into my hair.
I waited for more to come, but he remained silent. I wrapped my arms around him, wanting to comfort him. If I’d had any idea how much he had suffered, what he had risked to be here with me...
Jaden let go of me.
“Now you know everything.”
Wounds
When I got out of the car, my eyes fell on a small purple flower that had nudged its way out of the soil.
Mom’s favorite flower had been the crocus, I remembered with a pang. She used to say that when the crocuses appeared, we could be certain of spring. Spring and hope, I thought, although I wasn’t sure there was any hope for me. But at least I could hope for Jenna, Chris, and Ben. That their lives would get better after the demons eventually eliminated me.
I bent down and picked the flower from the still brownish-green lawn. It would look nice on Adam’s grave. I hadn’t been there since the funeral. It was time I confronted myself with it.
With a sigh, I straightened up and carried the purple blossom into the house.
I would stop by the graveyard on the way to the Gallagers’ later, I promised myself, while I placed it in a small glass of water, and headed up to my room.
I let myself drop to the floor the minute I entered my bedroom.
My heart was racing in my chest from sprinting up the stairs. I took a deep breath to calm down and closed my eyes.
My hands felt heavy as they were resting on my knees, palms facing upwards.
Relax, I commanded, but my body wouldn’t listen. The chance of seeing Adam’s face—to feel him, if only in my imagination—made me fussy.
I tried counting backwards from a hundred. That did the trick. By the time I reached seventy, I was breathing evenly, and when I reached sixty, my mind felt able to focus.
When I reached forty, my palms started getting warm. I directed my attention there, trying to understand what was happening.
The skin beneath my fingers felt different. It felt as if I was touching a warm body. The warmth was getting more intense as I focused on my left hand.
The warmth grew into a heat. It was slowly spreading along my forearm, up my upper arm, and then across my chest.
It felt like pure energy was consuming my quiet meditation.
Just a minute later, Adam’s light green eyes were staring at me from inside my head.
They were as perfect and beautiful as always; but they were ice-cold.
I shuddered. It had worked. I had successfully conjured up Adam’s image. It was an image of him that was far from how I remembered him. There was no sign of love in his eyes, no caring in his features.
Just a second later he was gone. I opened my eyes and waited for my head to clear.
The heat in my chest disappeared within a few moments, almost as fast as it had appeared.
What was going on? I had to ask Jaden about this. And Liz.
A glance at my alarm clock told me it was time to get to the Gallagers’. I unfolded from the floor and slowly got to my feet, feeling slightly dizzy as I was straightening into an upright position.
Ben would pick me up. He had volunteered last night.
I still wasn’t sure what to make of Ben, Ben’s behavior, and my reaction to Ben’s behavior. Maybe it was just self-preservation speaking, but I felt better when I was with him.
All the hostility, the coldness he had shown towards me the first few times I met him, had been a sophisticated mask.
He had seen me for who I really was—Adam’s downfall. He had known I would be the reason his brother would get killed, and he didn’t particularly like me for that. Which was still better than the way I felt about it—I despised myself for being weak. I had been weak when I had insisted on being with Adam, on going to that cursed pool hall where he got killed, and I was being weak again, allowing myself to enjoy Ben’s company.
If anything, I deserved to be miserable for the rest of my life.
Ben saw that a little differently. He had forgiven me. Despite the role I had played in his brother’s death, he had developed feelings for me. The selfish part of me kept encouraging his attempts. But the Claire who knew better kept reminding me that I was a monster. I had basically killed Adam. If things were to continue the way they were, Ben would be next.
I was a magnet for disaster. My hands flapped over my face as I wiped away a tear.
It wouldn’t be long now and I didn’t want Ben to find me a mess.
If he felt how I was feeling, he would be in pain. And I couldn’t inflict more aches on the second Gallager son than I already had.
The doorbell tore me from my thoughts. It was time to put on another show, to appear okay, sane, happy.
I slowly made my way downstairs to let Ben in.
But it wasn’t Ben who was waiting on the other side of the door with a charming smile playing on his face.
Jaden took a quick step across the threshold, leaving his smile outside the door.
“You look terrible,” he commented and pulled me
into a hug.
His arms were like a remedy to my pain. Within a second, my heart was lighter and I felt at ease.
“Will it ever get better?” I asked into his chest.
A long silence followed my question, with Jaden pulling me tighter being the only sign that he had heard me.
I knew it was a no. It wouldn’t. Ever. And I was okay with it. I had come to terms with the emptiness and the craving to fill it. It had become part of who I was now.
After a while, Jaden let go of me and closed the door behind him.
“Are you ready?” he wanted to know.
I tilted my head. “Ben was supposed to pick me up.”
“Ben is home,” Jaden explained.
“Why?”
“Change of plans,” Jaden said without giving further details. “We will take your car.”
“Okay—” I was waiting to see if there was more coming, but it was all he would share for now.
Jaden grabbed my coat and held it out for me.
“Thanks.” I slid into the warm fabric and turned to get the little flower from the kitchen.
“Can we stop by the graveyard?” I asked as I returned with the fragile, purple blossom.
Jaden looked at me for a moment.
“I haven’t visited Adam’s grave,” I explained.
Jaden nodded, his eyes full of pity and a second emotion I couldn’t identify.
“But only for a few minutes. As I said, there was a change of plans.”
Now I gave him a questioning look.
“I have information to share.”
“Anything you want to share now?” I tried.
“I recently came across a piece of information which I want to share with all of you.” He sounded serious.
“I will share when we are all together at the Gallagers’.” He put on a knowing expression and led the way to my car.
I followed, the flower securely in my hands.
I didn’t push him to tell me more. Ever since that night at the Gallagers’ I saw him in a completely different light. He had given up everything just for the chance to protect me. It was personal for him. He wouldn’t let anyone else take on that responsibility.
Jaden was already in the driver’s seat when I got to the car.
“I guess you’ll drive,” I muttered while climbing into the passenger seat.
Black Page 23
