Black

by Angelina J. Steffort

  During the days, I was moderately energized and just motivated enough to make it through.

  Amber and Greg rarely spoke to me anymore—they were busy being a newly in love couple—and I was glad they avoided me. Seeing them, however happy I was they had each other, made me yearn for Adam... my old Adam. The one who had loved me uncategorically.

  But that Adam was gone. Maureen had illustrated it perfectly for me. He was a tool for Volpert. At his disposal. Or at Maureen’s—I still hadn’t figured out her exact position in the story.

  I couldn’t count on this new, dark Adam. His black heart had killed and fed off souls. He had inflicted pain on me—willingly or not. The old Adam would have never done that. He would have laid down his life for me.

  My stomach twisted at the realization. The voice in my head laughed, humorless.

  And then there was a part of me that longed for someone else. Someone good. Entirely and thoroughly good.

  An image of Ben’s face flashed through my thoughts without warning.

  Ben had been avoiding having deep conversations with me recently. There was no doubt he was still hurt from my reaction. But he also knew that I wasn’t indifferent toward him.

  It was visible in the way he looked at me over his plate at dinner, and in his gestures when he wordlessly teleported me back and forth to get stuff from my house, when he walked me through the Gallagers’ mansion to make sure I wouldn’t sneak off again.

  There was always a cautious enthusiasm about spending time with me, but he didn’t allow himself the warmth and open-heartedness I had experienced in the past weeks. Almost like he was going back to hide behind his mask, now that Adam was back.

  It worried me, seeing the man I had gotten to know disappear. I liked that Ben. The Ben who spoke his thoughts and who never gave up on me—no matter how miserable I was.

  However much I missed my old Adam and the new Ben, there was nothing I could really do about it. I’d rather have a world where Adam was a demon than no Adam at all. I loved him. If this meant that Ben would disapprove of me, that’s what I would have to live with.

  I fought back my unease to the darker regions of my mind and returned to my books, disgruntled.

  “What’s wrong?” Jaden asked. He was checking my history essay for errors.

  It was almost comical, seeing a millennium-old creature checking an essay on history he had most likely experienced.

  I shook my head at him. He knew what was wrong with me. We had discussed it at least a hundred times. There simply was not a legitimate reason to hash it out even one more time.

  I had learned to cope with things on my own. Of course, I was glad to have the Gallagers and Jaden to talk to and voice my fears and concerns, but I didn’t want to burden them more than necessary. It was enough strain as it was for them to feel my emotions when ever I was with them.

  “I am fine.”

  Jaden smiled the way only an understanding guardian angel could. He knew how I felt. He knew me inside out. He had been watching over me my whole life, and he had risked everything for me. I had caused him enough trouble. Making his life easier was one thing I was determined to do from now on.

  He watched me study from the corner of his eye while he was reading through the essay.

  Today was one of the rare days I spent at my own house. Jaden had agreed that it was safe for me to study at home if he stayed with me.

  It had been a quiet day so far. No incidents at school, no visions. Just Jaden, me, and my text books.

  “This isn’t bad,” Jaden handed me back the essay with surprise written on his face.

  He wasn’t the only one surprised by this news.

  “Dinner should arrive any second,” he said, rubbing his hands like a starved teenage boy.

  It was so easy to believe he was human—

  Before I could finish my thoughts, the doorbell rang.

  I raced down the stairs and bumped into Jaden, who had teleported.

  “You stay here. Keep out of sight.” He was super-cautious.

  “I doubt demons deliver curry,” I claimed, a little annoyed that I couldn’t even open my own door in my own house.

  Jaden ignored me and went to collect our dinner.

  He had a point. It was risky to open the door to strangers when we had no idea whether Adam had informed the demons about the little kidnap.

  They could come for us any day. Unexpected. Turn up out of nowhere. I wouldn’t even be surprised...

  “Keep the change,” I heard Jaden dismiss the delivery-boy without delay.

  The smell of Indian food spread in the house immediately as we opened the boxes.

  “No one dangerous?” I teased Jaden.

  He handed me the curry with a sour face. “Not this time.”

  It was obvious that he was tense, always expecting the inevitable attack to finally hit.

  Jaden watched me stir in the chickpeas with moderate enthusiasm.

  “I need to take you back to the Gallagers’ soon,” he announced, speaking more to my curry than to me.

  Of course he did. It was safer for all of us when we were together in the same place. Exceptions like today were a compromise for my personal benefit to be able to focus better. But eventually the day would end and I would lay down in the—by now too familiar—guest room and close my eyes to a night full of Adam’s eyes, staring at me and questioning me silently.

  I was fine with that. Most of today’s work was done. I had successfully tackled the history essay. What was missing was a shower to wash away my troubles.

  The hot water of the shower was soothing to my thoughts... for a moment. Then the weight of my imbroglio crushed down on me without mercy.

  Why again did I have to love Adam against all better judgment? Oh, right—I didn’t have a choice. I was marked and he, even though his angel-self was dead, was still the person I was linked to. His joy was my joy and his pain was my pain. Contextus Daemonicus.

  Everything would be so much easier if I could simply break free of the connection we shared.

  This lead me to a new question. If I died—now that he was a demon—would he suffer? Would he, by killing me, inflict pain on himself? Did his cold and darkened heart intuitively know? Was this the reason he’d been avoiding a deadly strike?

  When I stepped out of the shower, my hair weighed at least triple its normal weight, soaked as it was; or was it my thoughts that made my head feel all heavy and useless?

  I let the past few weeks replay in my head once more. Adam still being alive—in a different, much more different way than I could have ever imagined—had come as a shock, as a relief. Every fiber in my body was unspeakably grateful that he still existed somehow, even if this new version of him was craving for my soul.

  All the pain, all the torment, my bleeding heart hadn’t been in vain. It had all been worth going through just to see him again one single time.

  Besides the visions and dreams, it appeared he had sought me out more than once. Those few times I had seen him in the shadows; they had been real.

  All this time I had been considering myself crazy, actually I was pretty much sane.

  Yeah—right, the voice came to life, insulting my new-found confidence. Because you are not dreaming of eating souls.

  I scorned the voice with a dismissive gesture.

  Besides my Adam-related episodes—the ones where I wished to suck people’s energy—I was mentally sound.

  The barbed wire that had frequently tormented me after Adam’s death had disappeared almost completely.

  How different Adam was now—a demon, creature of the darkness, rather than light, like he had been before—didn’t really make a difference to the ceasing of the pain.

  Probably my heart didn’t care about what form Adam had returned in, as long as he had returned.

  And then there was the un-ignorable fact that Adam wasn’t going for the kill. He had freed his hands so easily there on his bed. Like he was tearing a spiderweb rather than thick
rope.

  Even though he could have—anytime—he hadn’t done it right away; he had waited until he’d had the chance to be alone with me.

  Incapacitating Jaden, rather than disposing of him completely, too, was proof that he couldn’t be the cold-blooded demon we thought he was.

  In fact, I was ninety-eight percent certain that Adam hadn’t known what he was doing when he had inflicted that abominable pain on me in the graveyard. I wasn’t certain, though, if he had been under some kind of spell, if the demons had bewitched him.

  Despite the knowledge that all good had died in him, on that God-forsaken roof, I couldn’t tell what exactly had become of him. It was undeniably clear though, that the angelic presence he used to be was far gone.

  Pondering all of this I got ready for the transfer to the Gallagers’. As ready as anyone could get with all of this going on around them. But ready as I may have felt, nothing could have prepared me for what was coming next.

  When I stepped over the threshold to my bedroom, a shadow moved in the corner next to the window. I turned my head to look closer and froze in place where I was.

  It was him. In all his glory and with his scary gaze.

  There was the curiosity, the hunger, the fear I had seen before. There was confusion and hesitation written all over his features.

  It was like an unstable mask, switching from channel to channel of emotion. I couldn’t be sure which one would win this time. Last time it had been the uncertainty. He had left—just like that. And it had broken my heart—to see him struggle and to experience him looking at me like a target.

  And it was the same this time. His eyes were tying me to the spot. I couldn’t escape his glare.

  “Adam,” I exhaled, finally able to get my thoughts together.

  He didn’t move, but lowered his gaze to the floor, looking at something behind my bed.

  My eyes searched the space where he was looking and found Jaden, still and pale, like he was sleeping.

  Was he sleeping? Or had he killed him this time? Had I been wrong to believe there was more to him than a creature of the night?

  “Jaden,” I asked. “Is he—” I couldn’t even finish out of fear to get an answer I couldn’t live with.

  Adam shifted his weigh, and bent down to turn Jaden to the side.

  “Incapacitated,” he indifferently said, and I sighed with relief.

  He had come back to find me and he had come alone. He hadn’t sold me out to the demons. Not yet. Would he?

  “Where have you been?” the words shot out of me, uncontrollable. Seeing Adam in my room, no matter the circumstances, it felt almost normal.

  But it wasn’t.

  He didn’t answer. Instead, he eventually looked up, his eyes burning with curiosity and hunger.

  His stare took me back to the dream I’d had over and over again. The one that ended with Adam disappearing.

  I was determined to not let that happen this time.

  The room tasted of indecisiveness. I wasn’t sure if it was his or mine. What I was sure about was that I had to get some information out of him. I needed answers, I needed to know what was going on. I needed them to keep my freshly-discovered sanity—because it felt to be becoming less by the minute.

  He was still staring at me with those pale-green eyes, like he did in my dreams—our dreams.

  “Why did you come here?” My words weren’t more than a whisper, my breath shallow from the tension.

  The tall, dark figure remained silent, his hands folding across his chest, the only sign he had heard me.

  After a couple of breaths that seemed to not bring enough oxygen supply to my system, I couldn’t stand to wait any longer.

  I took a slow step toward him, his eyes always holding my gaze.

  “Stop.” He suddenly recoiled from me as if I were a threat.

  I froze in place. “Why?”

  There was something new in Adam’s gaze, something I hadn’t expected to see there. It was a spark that brightened his irises ever so slightly.

  “I don’t want to hurt you.” The hunger was obvious in his face, and I felt it in my own system, too. The craving.

  It took some effort to ignore it, but I’d practiced with Jaden the past couple of days. And it paid off.

  It melted away from me like a layer of ice in the sun. My focus belonged to myself once more and I directed it back at Adam.

  “You won’t,” I reassured him—or threatened him—I couldn’t tell—and took another step toward him.

  This time he didn’t object. His shape floated away from my unconscious guardian angel and toward me. His feet seemed to not be touching the floor, that’s how lightly he walked.

  It was eerie and graceful at the same time—like a beautiful ghost.

  My mind remembered a different type of craving as I was watching him move. It was an echo of how I had felt before, but it was a potent sensation. One I hadn’t felt since my last day with Adam, the angel.

  I shook my head at myself. He had given no indication why he had returned. How could I even believe for a second that there might be a way he had remembered... us?

  A step away from me, within my arm’s reach, Adam came to a halt. His eyes hadn’t released mine, his intense stare beginning to make me dizzy.

  “Who are you?” His question lingered between us for a brief moment, before I could collect my thoughts.

  Last time he had asked, I had answered, I’d been his soulmate. Apparently that hadn’t been good enough for him.

  “Who are you?” he repeated when I didn’t show any sign that I was going to answer. This time his voice was harsh.

  Suddenly he was intimidating, the stare cold, and he was lifting his hand in the air.

  It was but the tiniest time-span until the pull on the strings through my heart began. The pain seared through me like hot iron strings, cutting through my flesh and bones, just to sling around my heart—no, my soul.

  My knees buckled as I bent over in agony.

  “Adam,” I gasped, as I hit the floor.

  He watched me for a minute, struggle distinct in his features.

  “Why are you haunting my dreams?”

  The moment he spoke, he lifted a finger and the pull on the strings intensified.

  I shrieked.

  “I am your mark,” I cried in pain.

  Adam looked at me without comprehension and did nothing to end my agony.

  The strings were pulling tighter and tighter around this intangible part of myself. I fought with every fiber in my body. I wouldn’t give up my soul. I would find a way so he would stop. Listen.

  “You haven’t always been like this, Adam.” I had to try. “You marked me... when you spread your angel wings...” I coughed the words out, unable to speak. “Part of your soul is in me... I am a part of you.”

  The moment the words were out, I realized what they meant. And that they were true.

  The pain stopped and Adam ghosted away from me until he stopped in the farthest corner of the room. His features were unreadable.

  “I am a part of you,” I repeated, almost inaudible. It was the undeniable truth. He was part of me. Part of me was him. We were connected. We were one. And my heart would never forget that, and my soul couldn’t ignore it.

  I straightened up into a standing position, ignoring the screaming of my body.

  “I love you, Adam.” It had slipped out before I could coherently weigh the potential impact of what I was saying.

  Adam sighed lowly at my words. His face told me that he couldn’t follow me one-hundred percent.

  Why couldn’t he see that after all I had gone through—after all the pain, the misery, the torture, the fear—after everything, I was still existentially in love with him?

  I didn’t care that he was the enemy or that I was supposed to be afraid of him. I didn’t care that he had tried to kill me, that he was probably considering the thought at that very moment. And yet, here I was standing, vulnerable, presenting my human hea
rt and soul to him.

  He didn’t evade my gaze when my eyes bore into his now, full of questions.

  At first it was a mild, tingly sensation. Almost ignorable. I wouldn’t even have paid attention to it if it hadn’t continued to grow stronger.

  I stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. This couldn’t be happening. Not now.

  Adam was standing on the other side of the room. His arms were folded across his chest, his face reluctant. He was clearly uncomfortable. His eyes showed the hunger I had become so familiar with, but there was something different about his expression now. I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly it was.

  The tingle forced my attention back on my own body. My feet, my legs, my knees, they all were feeling the same as usual, but there was something different in my torso.

  I closed my eyes for a moment as my head started spinning. Not now! I yelled at myself in my mind, willing myself to stay focused. I couldn’t pass out. Not now. I needed to be clear in my head. I needed to look at him. I needed to make him understand...

  Another glance towards the opposite wall reassured me that Adam hadn’t moved. He was still following my every move with his gaze, the hunger more pronounced than ever.

  The sensation began to roll up and down my back in slow waves, each one stronger than the one before. It made my hair stand on end. The tingle became a stinging that concentrated in my upper back. I arched my spine and shook my head to clear it.

  Adam was all but a shadow in my peripheral vision now. I couldn’t see clearly anymore. My hands flexed without my permission as I was trying to regain focus. Why was he doing this to me? And, what was it exactly that he was doing to me?

  “Adam.” It sounded weak. “Why?”

  “What do you mean, why?” His voice was the only clear thing in my head, everything else was a blur.

  “Why are you doing this to me?” My question came as a gust of air.

  Adam’s shape was coming closer with every onerous breath I took.

  The waves became shorter and stronger. I could feel how they were rolling from shoulder blade to shoulder blade.

  From the corner of my eye, I could make out Adam’s lifted hand. It was reaching for me—not like before, where it had clung to the strings that held my soul in place. It looked as if he was reaching out to grab for my hand.