Color Blind

by Lalla Squeglia

  “You never know until you give it a try.”

  “Yeah, I know. But still.”

  Nancy sat down on the other end of the couch with a chocolate bar.

  “Look around and see. Worst thing that could happen is that they say no, and you try someone else.”

  “Yeah. I guess so.”

  “You’re a good artist, Cole, you know that. Start looking around and see.”

  He shrugged.

  “How’s the clinic going?”

  “I quit.”

  “What?”

  “It was starting to drown, I figured it would be best to get out now.”

  “When was this?”

  “A little while ago. No big deal. I forgot to mention it. You know, with school starting back up and all.”

  “That sucks that you had to quit.”

  “It was for the best.”

  “Still.”

  “It’s fine. Really.”

  He shrugged and reached over for one of his mints.

  “Cravings?”

  “Yeah.”

  He leaned back and looked at his wrist. It was healing very slowly, but he could hardly pick anything up and it still hurt.

  The phone rang.

  “I’ll be right back, okay?”

  “Want me to get it?”

  But she was already gone. Cole reached over and grabbed the pillow she’d been holding and put it behind his head. Nancy came back in a few minutes later, frowning.

  “What’s up?”

  “My friend Janet was on the phone. She’s coming over.”

  “What? When?”

  “Now. She doesn’t know how to take no for an answer, and she knows I stay in most of the time. We’re screwed.”

  “You don’t want her over?”

  “No! I like Janet, but I don’t really want to see her outside of school more than I have to.”

  “Why’s she coming over, anyway?”

  Nancy shrugged.

  “She says she just wants to drop by and say hi, but I think she wants to meet you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you. She’s always worried about me.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. She’s a friend. I wouldn’t mind meeting her boyfriends too, but she goes through them very fast.”

  “She wants to make sure I’m not a serial killer, is that it?”

  “Yes. Don’t worry, she won’t be here very long.”

  Cole shrugged.

  “It doesn’t matter if she’s here all day.”

  “No, but I want her in and out.”

  Cole rolled his eyes, but he was nervous. Most people tended to shy away from him or worse. Janet would probably be no different. He made sure his sleeves and gloves were straight and tried to look calm and relaxed. Nancy sat back down on the other end of the couch. She didn’t look comfortable, either.

  After ten minutes of sitting in silence, staring at a blank TV screen, there was a knock on the door.

  * * * *

  Janet had blonde hair, blue eyes, and dressed in clothes a size too small. Cole wasn’t sure if he liked her very much. She looked like the get-drunk-and-have-a-kid type. When she opened her mouth his mind was made up. He did not like her, not at all.

  “Nancy! Have you been hiding in your house all break? And is this Cole?”

  “Yes. Nice to meet you. I’d shake hands, but I burned mine the other day. Kitchen accident.”

  “No problem. I’m Janet.”

  She studied him, her eyes sweeping across his face before fixating on his sleeves. He stepped back behind Nancy, who was twisting her hands into knots. Why was she so nervous?

  “Jan, I’d love to have you stay and have some coffee, but Cole’s been sick with the flu and I think I might be coming down with it.”

  “Oh. No, I’ll leave you two be. I don’t want to be sick.”

  “Didn’t think so.”

  “Feel better.”

  “Bye.”

  Janet left. Cole dropped back onto the couch.

  “She hates me.”

  “No she doesn’t.”

  “Yes, she does. Five dollars says she calls you to lecture you later.”

  “Fine. Five dollars.”

  She sat down next to him and started chewing her nails. Cole looked over at her.

  “Nance? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. Why?”

  “I don’t know…you seem kinda jumpy lately.”

  “I’m fine.”

  He didn’t believe her, but pushing her would get him nowhere.

  “Okay.”

  “Don’t worry about me. I’m just fine. Just a bit of a headache, that’s all.”

  He mumbled something in acknowledgement and dropped the subject. But, all the same, he was worried that something had happened to Nancy. Abuse, maybe, or…worse? What was worse? He didn’t want to think about it. If there was worse than abuse-any sort of abuse-he didn’t want to think about that happening to Nancy. She would tell him eventually, or she would not. Or, hopefully, he was overreacting. Oh, he hoped he was overreacting.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Nancy was lying on her bed at three in the morning. It was hot in the room. Hell, it was hot in the whole apartment. Hot and quiet and dark. There was a noise from the window and she scrabbled for the light-pull. She’d attached a string to the light switch in case of such an incident. Her fingers closed on it and she yanked it harder than necessary. The light came on, but the string came off the switch.

  Fuck.

  On the bright side, the sound had been caused by the window A/C coming on.

  Thank god that’s all it was.

  She wondered if Cole was doing okay. He’d been quiet ever since Janet came over. She worried about him when he got like that.

  He worries about you, too, or he wouldn’t be bugging you every five minutes to tell him what’s wrong.

  It was a nice feeling, in a way, knowing that somebody worried about her. Her father didn’t seem to notice much. He loved her, she knew that, but he wasn’t the noticing type. There was a knock on her door.

  “Yeah?”

  “Nance? Can I come in?”

  “Sure. What’s up?”

  “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

  “No. What is it?”

  “Couldn’t sleep. Wanted to know if you wanted to go with me to get ice cream.”

  “At three in the morning?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is anywhere open at three in the morning?”

  “Yes. Scout’s.”

  “Oh, god. Do you trust their ice cream?”

  “No, but I really want vanilla right now.”

  “Sure. Hang on, let me get shoes. And my sweater.”

  He went out of the room as silently as he had come in.

  What if we get carjacked and it’s Dr. Grey and…

  She pinched herself. Dr. Grey may have been a disgusting old man, but he didn’t carjack people. Besides, she had her pepper spray. She couldn’t find her sweater and ended up wrapping her once-white throw blanket around her shoulders instead.

  “Nancy, are you feeling okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Insomnia.”

  He raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything else. Nancy made sure her blanket was wrapped firmly around her shoulders before going out to the car.

  “Do you want to drive, or me?”

  “Maybe you should. I can’t really grip anything.”

  “Good point. Turn on the heater, will you? It’s cold.”

  Cole reached over for the heater dial and turned it to the right.

  “Good?”

  “Thanks.”

  “Yeah.”

  He looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t. Nancy made sure the blanket wasn’t in her way before backing out of the parking spot.

  * * * *

  Cole looked the rain. Scout’s had been slow, and the girl at the drive-through had looked stoned. Not
that he had any right to judge.

  “Cole?”

  “Mm?”

  “How were you going to get here alone? Since you can’t drive right now.”

  “Walk. It’s not that far.”

  “In the rain?”

  “I have an umbrella.”

  “Still.”

  He shrugged. A small spider on the armrest caught his eye.

  “Nance, will you hold this?”

  “Why?”

  She took it and Cole picked up the spider, opened the door, and set it down on a dry patch on the curb.

  “Spider.”

  “Spider?”

  “It’s more likely to find food out there than in here.”

  She shook her head and gave him his ice cream bowl back.

  “Well? Is it worth coming out at three in the morning?”

  “Yes.”

  A drip ran down her cone and she lunged to catch it before it hit the seat.

  “Should’ve gotten a bowl.”

  “Shut up!”

  He dropped his eyes to his spoon.

  “Um, Nance?”

  “Wot?” she asked around her cone.

  “Can I tell you something?”

  “Sure.”

  She looked concerned. He wanted to make that look go away.

  Then tell her, you idiot!

  He was nervous-what if this put a rift between them or something?

  “Cole?”

  Dammit, just get it over with.

  “Iloveyou.”

  The concerned look vanished. So did any trace of emotion, for that matter. She didn’t say anything, and he did not look at her again. He had no idea what to do now.

  Nancy put the car in reverse a few minutes later and started towards home.

  Well, now what?

  He’d start looking through papers a bit more now and try to ignore these goddamn cravings. The car jerked to a stop and he looked up. They were home. Nancy got out and looked at him. She had to crane to look him in the eyes, a fact which would have made him laugh any other time.

  “I love you, too.”

  “That’s ok…wait, what?”

  She dropped her head and started digging for her keys.

  “I love you.” she said. He almost didn’t hear her, but there was no way to mishear what she’d said. He had no answer for her other than a small nod. She got the door open and disappeared into her room. Cole went to the couch and lay down with the remote.

  He was happy with the result, and somewhat shocked. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but that wasn’t it.

  We’ll see what happens tomorrow, I guess.

  A soft noise scared him and he spun around, clutching the remote tight enough to hurt. It was only Nancy, still wrapped in her graying blanket.

  “You okay?”

  “Can I sleep out here with you?”

  He definitely hadn’t been expecting that.

  “S-sure.”

  She smiled and settled down on the other side of the mattress.

  “Thank you.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.”

  “Cole?”

  “Mm.”

  “Did you mean it?”

  Mean what…oh.

  “Of course I meant it. Did you?”

  “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t.”

  He watched her burrow under the blankets, her hair falling over her face. He wanted to brush it back but couldn’t do it. Maybe later on, but not now. Not for a long time.

  “I’m going to sleep. Night, Cole.”

  “Night, Nancy.”

  He couldn’t sleep right now, but after a few minutes she was out. He set the remote down and looked up at the ceiling. For once, a fix was the last thing from his mind.

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  Nancy woke up a little after noon, feeling well-rested for once. Well-rested and calm and safe. For a minute she wondered why she wasn’t in her room She rolled over and nearly rolled into Cole, who was still asleep.

  What…oh. That’s right. Last night.

  She moved back a little bit and studied him. He was hugging his pillow against him and his back was pressed against the arm of the couch. He looked like a little kid.

  He loves me.

  Last night was a blur, really, but those words stood out. He’d meant them, too-she’d seen it on his face. The memory made her giddy.

  How’d I get so lucky? she wondered. She didn’t really want an answer.

  Cole yawned and stretched out a little. His eyes met hers and a look of confusion, then contentment spread over his face.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey.”

  He didn’t say anything else and she wondered if he was going to go back to sleep.

  “Did you sleep okay?”

  “Yes. Did you?”

  “Mm-hm.”

  He let go of the pillow and straightened his sleeves.

  “How’s your wrist?”

  “S’okay. Scarring up, I guess.”

  “Can I see it?”

  He nodded and tugged his sleeve back a bit. It was scarring up, but the sight of it still made her queasy.

  “I think it’s okay.” she said. “Just don’t bug it.”

  “It’s itchy now.”

  “Still. Leave it alone.”

  He fixed the sleeve and started fussing with his gloves.

  “You don’t have to wear those at home, Cole.”

  “But…”

  “If you want to, go ahead, but don’t feel like you have to.”

  “Thanks, Nance.”

  “What time is it, anyway?”

  “I don’t know.”

  He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes again.

  “You don’t have work, do you?”

  “No.”

  “Good.”

  Nancy shoved the blankets down a bit and sat up.

  “I’ve been meaning to ask you…how’s it going? With the cravings and all?”

  “S’okay. You know, considering. It’s worse at night.”

  “They’ll get better. It just takes time.”

  “You know…if I knew where he got it I’d be down there right now.”

  Nancy blinked. He hadn’t mentioned his father since that first night, but she knew he suffered from nightmares. Twice now she’d woken up to him shouting at someone to stop. The episodes had not lasted long, but both times he’d ended up napping the following day.

  “It’ll get better. Trust me.”

  He nodded-at least she was pretty sure that was a nod-and put his arm over his face.

  “Gonna go back to sleep.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yeah.”

  He yawned and rolled back onto his stomach. Nancy looked outside at the rain.

  What the hell. I don’t have anything to do today.

  “Night, Cole.”

  “Night.”

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  By the end of the week, Cole was sleeping in Nancy’s room. She liked this arrangement better-the nightmares didn’t happen as much this way. When they did come, though, he was always there to calm her down and help her go back to sleep. He’d asked what was wrong several times, and she always said the same thing: “I just don’t sleep well. I never have.”

  He didn’t believe her, but she wasn’t ready to tell him anything. Maybe she never would be.

  “Nance?”

  “Mm.”

  “Look.”

  He was holding up part of the newspaper.

  “What’s that?”

  “I think I found a job.”

  “What is it?”

  “You know that coffee shop by the clinic?”

  “Yes.”

  “They want someone to do some drawings for them. You know, just little sketches.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah. I’m going to do a tree or something and see what they think.�
��

  “Okay. Good luck.”

  “Yeah.”

  He dropped the paper on the floor and got up to get his sketchbook.

  “Pen or pencil?”

  “Don’t know yet.”

  “Hm…shit! I gotta go, or I’ll be late for class.”

  “See you.” he mumbled, already reaching for a pen. Nancy picked up her backpack and left.

  * * * *

  Cole looked at the pen. He had decided to draw a tree, but not a lame tree. Morbid trees were also off-limits. So what was he supposed to draw? He’d never liked fairies or anything like that. Maybe a tree with a skull or something. He’d see what came of that idea.

  He was half an hour into his sketch when there was a knock on the door. Maybe Nancy had forgotten her keys or something. He got up, wondering why she was home so early, and looked outside. It wasn’t Nancy on the doorstep. It was a woman he hadn’t met. He hurried to yank his gloves on before answering the door.

  “Hello?”

  “You’re not Nancy.”

  “No, I’m her boyfriend. Cole Martin.”

  “Humph. I’m your neighbor, Alice Harris. This got put in my box by accident. Will you give it to her?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Good.”

  She went away, mumbling to herself about something he didn’t catch. He glanced at the envelope and promptly dropped it. It was his suicide note. Nancy did not need to see this-he remembered it being very dark and somewhat graphic. He ripped it up and shoved it in the bottom of the trash can. Going back to his picture was impossible now and he ended up watching cartoons until Nancy got home.

  Chapter Fifty

  “Nancy. Nancy! Wake up, Nance, you’re having one of those dreams!” Nancy blinked and sat up, disoriented and afraid. “Nance?”

  “Cole?”

  “Yeah.”

  There was a sudden surge of light and his face came into focus. He looked pale and scared.

  “Nance? Are you okay?”

  She swallowed and managed to nod.

  “Yeah, I’m okay. Did I wake you up?”

  “No. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. I don’t remember anything…one of those weird ones, I guess.”

  “Must’ve been some dream.” he said. “You were thrashing around like crazy.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Are you sure you don’t remember anything?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Nance, if there’s anything you want to talk about…”

  “There’s not.”

  “Let me finish.” She shut up. “If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m here for you. Okay?”

  “Okay. But there’s not. Really.”

  He turned off the lamp and she heard him lie down.

  “If you say so.”

  “I mean it.”

  “Night, Nancy.”

  “Night, Cole.”

  Chapter Fifty-One

  Nancy really didn’t want to go to school the next day, but Cole was going to notice something was wrong if she didn’t. She didn’t see Janet-thank God-but when she got home there were several messages from her on the answering machine. Cole was zoned out on a drawing and she let him be.