Color Blind
Page 11
“Nothing. I drew a tree last time, but I don’t want to draw another one.”
“What about something like the one you did for me, but without the piranhas and skeletons?”
“Maybe. We’ll see.” He put the check down. “I’m gonna go get changed.”
“Okay.”
“I really am sorry, Nance.”
“I’m sorry, too. I love you.”
He quit repressing his smile. That was better-he always looked much nicer when he smiled, not so much like a lost child.
“Love you, too.”
Chapter Fifty-Six
Cole couldn’t sleep. He’d tried Nancy’s allergy medicine but it had made him wired and now he was staring at the ceiling, trying to numb his mind enough to fall asleep. It wasn’t working-he kept thinking back to Dr. Grey, and Nancy’s reaction to seeing him.
He didn’t believe there’d been something between them. She’d acted scared, sure, but she’d also leaned as far away from him as possible.
Abuse, maybe? Physical abuse?
He didn’t think so. And verbal abuse was unlikely, too. So what had happened? He didn’t want to push her into telling him if she didn’t want to, but at the same time this was obviously eating her up inside. It worried him.
So what happened to her? What did he do?
He got up-no point in maybe waking up Nancy-and went to watch TV. There was nothing on and he eventually settled on a crappy remake of an already-crappy movie. He was half-asleep when the light went on behind him.
“Nance?”
She didn’t look good. Cole wondered if she was sick.
“I don’t feel well.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Stomach hurts.”
“Are you gonna be sick?”
She shrugged, stepped back, and ducked around him for the bathroom. Cole wasn’t sure what to do. Nancy was a private person, really, and he wasn’t sure if she wanted fussing over or to be left alone. He decided to go back to bed and wait.
She came in a few minutes later, looking grey and tired. He looked up and asked,
“Are you sick?”
“Yeah.”
“Want me to camp on the couch tonight? Or set you up a bed out there?”
“M’okay. Thanks, Cole.”
“Yeah.”
She didn’t get under the covers.
“Do you need anything?”
“M’okay.”
“Okay. Try to get some sleep, Nance.”
“Thanks, Cole.”
“Shh. Go to sleep.”
Cole rolled onto his stomach and closed his eyes.
“Cole?”
“Mm?”
She was quiet for several minutes.
“Never mind. Night.”
“Night.”
He heard her turn off the light and lie down next to him. His mind again turned to the mystery surrounding her and Doctor Grey and he wondered if the vomiting had anything to do with that. She’d sounded like she wanted to tell him something earlier-maybe when she was feeling better he’d bring it up.
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Nancy was still sick two weeks later, and at Cole’s insistence she went to the doctor. She knew what the problem was-bad dreams and stress-but Cole didn’t, and she was tired of him worrying so much. She had a story all planned out-stress over grades and friendship troubles-but the doctor had another diagnosis.
“You have a very bad case of the stomach flu.”
“I do?”
“Stomach flu?” Cole snapped. “Stomach flu? For two weeks? If that’s stomach flu…”
“Cole,” Nancy said softly, “it’s okay. If she says it’s stomach flu, it probably is. I’ll meet you out there in a minute, huh? I want to ask a few questions about…um…girl things.”
“Okay.”
He left and Nancy turned back to Dr. Holly.
“It’s not period stuff I wanted to ask you about.” she said. “But my boyfriend worries a lot.”
“What’s going on, Nancy?”
“Something very scary happened to me a long time ago. I don’t want to talk about it now, but it’s still bugging me. I can’t sleep, sometimes it makes me sick, and sometimes I get panic attacks about it.”
“What happened?”
“My old boss was…well, he was sort of abusive. I quit, but I’m still scared of him sometimes. I wanted to know what you think I should do?”
“Depending on what it was, I would say tell. Sometimes things aren’t so bad when someone’s helping you.”
“Okay. Thanks, Dr. Holly.”
“Any time. Feel better. And reassure your boyfriend that it really is stomach flu. Are you stressed? That might be making it last longer.”
“Exams and friendship problems.”
“Okay. Try yoga.”
“Thanks. See you.”
“Good bye, Nancy.”
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Nancy didn’t want to tell Cole what had happened, but what happened the next day settled the matter. She was on her way back from the corner store when Dr. Grey materialized in front of her.
“Nancy! How’ve you been…you look awful!”
“Not feeling well.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Flu. I have to go…”
“I’ll walk you back.”
“No, thanks…”
“I insist.”
He took her arm and started off. She jerked her arm free and he grabbed it again.
“Leave me alone.”
“Nancy…”
“Leave me alone!”
She pulled her arm free and took off. Running was difficult but she made it home somehow.
“Nance? Nancy, are you okay?”
She made it to the toilet in time to throw up before dropping onto the floor, sobbing and shaking. Cole knocked softly on the wall before kneeling beside her.
“Nance? What’s wrong?”
She shook her head and bit her lip. She didn’t want to tell him what had happened. No, not didn’t want to, she couldn’t tell him what had happened.
Just do it, just do it and get it over with. Otherwise he’ll leave anyway because you’re keeping secrets.
But not right now. She would have to calm down first.
“Nance? Do you want help up?”
She managed a little nod and felt him pull her up. She resisted the urge to pull away and instead concentrated on his hands. She could feel the scars but under those his muscles were tense.
“Come on, lie down and I’ll bring you a water. Okay?”
“Thanks, Cole.”
“Shh. It’s okay.”
She couldn’t really see, but she felt him lead her over to the bed and make her sit down before leaving the room. Being alone scared her and she reached for her bear. A few minutes later he came back and a cold glass pressed against her hand.
“Cole?”
“Yeah, right here. What happened? Did you get mugged?”
If only it was that simple.
“No.”
“What happened?”
She took a drink of her water and blew her nose. The horrid grey film that had settled over things was going away and Cole came into sharp focus. He’d left the lights off, and his white face looked like it was floating in front of her. He looked scared and confused.
“Nance?”
She took another drink and managed to take several deep breaths before sitting up. Cole moved back from her.
“I want you to stay quiet until I’m done, okay?”
“Nancy?”
“You were right. When you asked if something had happened to me, you were right.”
“Nance, are you okay?”
“Please, just stay quiet until I’m done. If you want to…if you want to leave when I’m done, go ahead. I’m not gonna judge you for it.”
“Nance?”
She shook her head and he shut up. She didn’t want to tell him. But she was going to get this over with. She had to.
<
br /> “There was never anything between me and Dr. Grey. But he…I don’t know, he’s a horrible old man. And one afternoon, about three months after I started working there, he asked me to come to the back room. He said he wanted to show me something. And I said okay.”
She took a deep breath and tightened her hands around the water glass. Cole stayed quiet, looking at her. She wondered for a second if he could read her mind.
“I went back there and asked what was up. He told me to sit down and he’d tell me. So I did. He went into the other room for a minute. And then he came back and locked the door. He had a gun.”
She took a drink and looked at her bear. She couldn’t look at Cole anymore.
Talk to Teddy. Maybe it’ll be easier if I just talk to Teddy instead of Cole.
“I think he was drunk or something, I don’t know. He…he told me to strip and lie down on the exam table. I said no and he said he’d shoot me if I didn’t. I thought I was going to die. I…I did what he said. He said it wouldn’t hurt if I behaved. He lied. It hurt more than anything. I guess I fainted or blacked out or something because the next thing I remember was him throwing my clothes at me and telling me to get back to work. I didn’t go back to work. I went home sick.”
She took another drink and realized that she was crying again but didn’t care.
“Dear Jesus, Nance.” Cole whispered.
She nodded, still unable to look at him.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“I did. My pastor. He said it was my fault.”
“Oh, no, Nance, that’s not your fault. That’s never your fault. Ever.”
It’s not?
She made herself look at him. He looked concerned, to say the least.
He’s still here.
“Of course I’m still here. Did you think I was just gonna walk out?”
Shit, I must’ve said that aloud.
She shrugged and bit her lip and hugged her knees.
“Nance, I wouldn’t walk out on you after something like that. Never. Deep breaths.”
She did what he said and took another drink.
“It’s not my fault?”
“Of course not! It’s that fucker’s fault, not yours. Never yours.”
She didn’t have anything to say. She felt really numb now. Cole reached over and picked up her fuzzy blanket and put it around her shoulders.
“Thank you.”
“Shh. Just try to calm down, it’s okay now. He can’t hurt you anymore.”
“Cole?”
“Mm?”
“You promise you’re not gonna go?”
“Yes. I’ll be here as long as you want me to be, I promise.”
“Can I have a hug?”
He was quiet for a few minutes before nodding. She felt him wrap his arms around her and rub her shoulders. She buried her face in his sweater and sobbed.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. He’s not going to hurt you again, I promise.”
She hardly heard him. It was scary being this close to someone, but she’d been craving human contact. It felt good.
“Cole?”
“Shh.”
She didn’t really want to talk any more, anyway. That had been enough. She let go of him and curled up on the bed.
“I’m gonna rest my eyes for a bit.”
“Want me to go?”
“Would you stay? Please?”
“Sure.”
She heard him lie down next to her and open a book.
“Night.”
“Night, Nance. If you need to talk, I’m here for you.”
“Thank you.”
“Sure. Get some sleep, if you can.”
She fixed her blanket around her and hugged her bear. A few minutes later, she was asleep.
* * * *
Cole was unable to sleep. Nancy had fallen asleep a little bit ago-probably because she was sick-but sleep was the last thing on his mind.
Raped. My god, no wonder she didn’t tell me.
He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to treat her any different or…or what. And what if they ran into Dr. Grey again? What was he supposed to say? Anything?
Nancy sighed and rolled over. Cole looked at her. He had no idea what to do, what to say.
“Oh, Jesus, Nancy, I’m sorry.”
She didn’t wake up. Cole bit his lip and looked up at the ceiling.
And I thought I was bad off.
So much made sense now-the nightmares, the jumpiness, the fear of the dark. Not to mention her reluctance to tell him what had happened.
That reminds me…what made her decide to tell me?
He would have to ask her. Or maybe not-telling him had obviously been difficult. He would wait and see what happened in the morning. Well, later that morning-it was already three AM. He glanced over at Nancy and felt a surge of hatred for Dr. Grey. What kind of sick fucker did that sort of thing, anyway? Cole hoped he’d get run over or worse. Maybe attacked by seagulls. That would okay. He looked down at his hands and wondered what he would do if he ran into the man somewhere. Some of the ideas he came up with scared him and he forced his mind to think about something else.
I don’t wanna be like Dad. Rapist or not, I’m not gonna be like Dad.
But oh, it was tempting to find the man and make him sorry.
* * * *
Nancy woke up a little after four. She needed a cigarette and it was hot in the apartment. Cole looked like he was asleep, and she was thankful for that. She didn’t want to talk right now.
It was freezing outside and a fine mist had settled over the lawn. She lit her ciggy and inhaled slowly, savoring the familiar taste.
“It’s freezing out here.”
She jumped a mile and nearly dropped the ciggy.
“Thought you were asleep.”
“Sorry for scaring you.”
“Did I wake you up?”
“No.”
He leaned on the rail and looked at the mist.
“Are you okay, Nance?”
She shrugged. She didn’t feel okay. She felt numb.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you need anything?”
“No, thanks.”
“Okay.”
She wanted another hug, but she wasn’t sure if she should ask him for one.
“Cole?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think I’m overreacting?”
“No. You’re not overreacting. If anything, you’re under reacting. What makes you say that, anyway?”
“I don’t know…I mean, I was the one who stayed there. I could have quit any time and I didn’t.”
“Why?”
“My dad got me the job-they’re friends-and I was scared he’d find out. My parents don’t know and my mom would probably disown me or something if she found out.”
“No wonder you didn’t quit.”
“Besides…after the first time my pastor said that it was my fault and I thought if I changed he’d leave me alone.”
“It’s not your fault. Don’t ever think it is, not for a second.”
“Thanks, Cole.”
“Shh. It’s gonna be okay. Listen to me.”
She was crying without realizing it and she had to shake away a few tears before looking up at him.
“What?”
“I can’t promise you everything, but I can promise you two things. One, I’ll be here as long as you need me to be, no matter what. And two,”-he paused for a minute, looking at something in the street-“two, if I see that fucker crossing the road, I’ll speed up and run him over and say he jumped in front of the car.”
Nancy couldn’t tell if he was serious about the last bit, but his message was clear. She was safe.
“Thanks, Cole.”
“Come on, let’s go back to bed. It’s late.”
“Okay.”
He held the door for her and waited for her to get in bed before turning off the light.
“Get some sleep,
Nance.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
“Shh.”
“You’re gonna sleep, right?”
“Right. Night.”
“Night, Cole.”
He flopped down next to her, his arms over his face.
“Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
Chapter Fifty-Nine
It was another week before Nancy stopped puking. She hadn’t brought Dr. Grey up again, and Cole hadn’t asked. He had a sore throat again, but on Thursday Nancy woke up to him getting ready to go somewhere.
“Cole?”
“I’m gonna run by my house and get the rest of my stuff.”
“What?”
“I didn’t get it all, and I know Dad’s not home right now. I’ll be back in an hour or two.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to just get it and be done. Don’t worry. I’ll pick up lunch on the way home.”
“Okay…”
“He’s not home. You gonna be okay?”
“Uh huh.”
“Good. See you soon, m’kay?”
“Okay…”
He left and Nancy locked the door behind him. This didn’t feel right. She didn’t think he was going to get high, but it felt like something bad was going to happen.
Stop it! You’re just being paranoid. He said his dad’s not home, he’ll be fine.
She got herself a coffee and went to get ready for school. Cole would be fine. He’d back in an hour or two and prove that her worrying was useless.
* * * *
Cole was grateful for his stuffy nose-a sick baby was on the bus and someone was eating a fish lunch. Yuck. He had to walk a few blocks from the bus stop to his house, and by the time he let himself inside he was feeling very dizzy. Sean wasn’t home
why would he be?
but he wanted to get out of here as soon as possible.
He packed up everything he could find in his room, but it felt like something was missing.
What am I forgetting?
Then he remembered-his homemade sketchbook and the snake his mother had given him. He dug them out from under the mattress. He put the snake away but stood there for a minute, flipping through the sketchbook. Maybe he’d redo one of these for the coffee shop.
He didn’t realize how long he’d been standing there until a car pulled in.
Fuck…Dad must be home for lunch.
He took a deep breath. There was nowhere to hide in this room, but maybe if Sean went into the living room he could make a run for the door. He picked up his backpack and went into the hallway and downstairs.
Okay. When the TV comes on, go.
The TV didn’t come on. Cole wondered if the old man was having a heart attack or something.
“Cole?”
Cole went stiff and looked up. Running was useless now.
“Hi, Dad.”
“Where have you been?”
“I moved out.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to be here any more. I want to live my own life for once.”