Girl at Heart

by Kelly Oram

  When we start to walk off, Eric stops me. Shelly’s standing off to the side with her girlfriends, glaring at me. Pretty sure Eric has already forgotten about her. “Hey. I thought I was going to come over tonight so we could talk.”

  I shake my head. “Sorry. I’m not in the mood anymore. Have fun at prom tomorrow. We can try again after that.”

  I walk away and refuse to look back because his sad, confused, hurt look is too much to bear right now.

  I’m the only team member who has to take the bus back to the school, so it’s a quiet ride. It gives me lots of time to dwell on everything that’s wrong between Eric and me. We really do just need to lock ourselves in a room until we can work it out. I’ll ask him over after prom, but I need a night to recover from Evil Shelly Turner.

  My quiet ride of contemplation does nothing to help my mood. The fact that I’m going to go to my first-ever sleepover as soon as I’m showered and can pack a bag keeps me from falling apart on the way home. But when I walk into my big, empty house, I burst into tears. I fall onto the couch and pull out my phone. Thankfully, Dad answers. It’s a video call, but he sets me on the bed so he can keep packing his suitcase. They have a red-eye back to Pittsburgh tonight. “Hey, slugger! Congrats on the win!”

  “Dad?”

  Dad jolts at the sound of my shaky voice. He picks up his phone and frowns into the camera. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  Those three words open the floodgates to my tears, and I start sobbing. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I don’t mean to bother you.”

  “Sweetheart, you never bother me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “It’s Eric.” I sob.

  Dad freezes. “What happened? Is he okay? Where is he?”

  “He’s fine,” I say quickly. I feel bad that I’ve just given my father a heart attack. He loves Eric as if he were his own son. He’d die if anything happened to him. “Sorry. No. He’s okay. He’s just…we’re fighting right now, and I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to lose him, Dad.”

  “Charlie.” Dad plops down on the hotel bed and lets out a sigh. “Sweetie, you guys have had a million fights before. You’re not going to lose him.”

  I shake my head and swipe frantically at my cheeks. “Not like this.”

  “But I saw your video message right after the game. You guys looked fine.”

  My nose is running, and I have to get up to find tissue. “That was basically the first time we’ve talked all week, and we had another fight right after because his stupid prom date was being this evil witch. She’s been bullying me because—”

  “Who’s been bullying you?” Dad demands. He slams to his feet like he’s going to storm out of his hotel room and make them start the plane early. “What’s she doing? Why aren’t Eric, Kevin, and Diego taking care of it?”

  Dad looks so mad that I manage to stop crying and smile. I find a tissue, blow my nose, and dry my cheeks. “It’s fine, Dad. She’s nothing. Inconsequential. I took care of it myself.”

  “Where were the guys?”

  I shake my head. “They didn’t see it. Eric only showed up when I finally told her off, and Dad, he took her side. He just wrapped her in his arms and looked at me like I was a horrible person. He didn’t even ask me why I was mean. When I said I was only defending myself, he said that didn’t matter.”

  And my tears are back. “Dad, it’s like he hates me. He hates everything about me now. All these new changes, he doesn’t like them. That’s what we’re fighting about. I can’t quit being this new me, and he can’t accept it.”

  Dad’s face drops. “Are you really so different?”

  I grab a water out of the fridge and twist off the cap. “I guess, kind of, yeah.” I take a big swig of water and plop down onto a stool at the kitchen counter. “I mean, it’s nothing huge, just lots of little things, like I’m trying to put myself out there more. I’m opening up with the other guys on the team. I’m taking a little more pride in my appearance.” I grimace and add, “I have a giggling problem.”

  Dad’s eyebrows climb his forehead. “Giggling?”

  I nod gravely. “Leila does it, and it’s contagious. I swear.”

  Dad grins. “Well, honey, if giggling is your worst habit right now, then what’s the issue? It’s good that you’re putting yourself out there more. I’ve been trying to get you to do that for years. As long as you’re not becoming conceited or thoughtless or anything, I’m glad you’re finally figuring out who you are.”

  “But—”

  “Eric will figure it out, too. You know he doesn’t handle change well, and you know how stressed he is with the draft coming up. His life’s about to be turned upside down forever, and he can’t take you with him. I’m sure he’s terrified. You’re his rock. You always have been. I’m sure he needs you right now more than ever, and he’s just afraid you’re not there for him anymore because you’re making new friends and doing things without him.”

  His perspective is so specific I wonder if Eric has made his own stressed out call to Dad this week. It wouldn’t surprise me.

  I groan at the ceiling, and a few more tears escape down my cheeks. “Way to lay on the guilt, Dad.”

  Dad chuckles and doesn’t apologize. He’s always patient and kind, but he doesn’t hesitate to tell you what’s up if you need a lecture. I respect that. He treats me like an adult and expects me to act like one. I love him for it, but right now it’s not working in my favor. “Of course I’m still there for him.”

  Dad cocks an eyebrow. “Are you sure? Does he know that?”

  My stomach rolls. If he’s challenging me, then I’m doing something wrong. “You’re right. I need to talk to him. It’s not his fault I went to Jace for help this time. I didn’t mean to leave him out. I just needed a girl. Jace had access to an entire cheer squad of them.”

  “And you’ve explained this to Eric?” Dad prompts. The tone of his voice tells me he already knows the answer.

  I groan again. “Not in so many words…” Dad gives me a look. I’m not fooling him. “Okay, no, all right? I was embarrassed. I haven’t told any of the guys about my insecurities of not knowing how to be a girl. They wouldn’t understand, anyway.”

  “Try them,” Dad says flatly.

  I slump in my chair.

  “Charlie. This is all just a miscommunication. Call the boys up. Have them come over tonight and talk to them. You’ll all feel better by morning.”

  He’s probably right. He’s Dad. He’s always right. I’m tempted to call up Leila and tell her I can’t make it, but she only asked for this sleepover for my sake. “I can’t tonight. After our fight at the game, Leila organized my first-ever sleepover to help cheer me up. They’re waiting for me to go over there right now.”

  Dad thinks about this, then gives me a soft smile. “Leila’s been really good to you, hasn’t she?”

  I want to cry just thinking about how wonderful she’s been. “A total lifesaver. You have no idea. I think she’s a forever friend.”

  Dad smiles again. “I’m glad.” His lips twitch. “So, a sleepover, huh? You mean a real one? Like they do in all the girly movies you watch on Netflix and pretend you don’t?”

  I grin. There’s no denying my viewing history when we share an account. “Yeah. Just like that. With a bunch of girls camped out on the floor, watching movies, painting nails, eating junk food, and talking about boys. I’m embarrassingly excited for it.”

  Dad shakes his head and laughs. It’s pretty close to the way Jace does it when he thinks I’m being cute and amusing. “Well, have fun, then. But you need to talk to the boys soon.”

  “I will. I promise. Tomorrow is prom, but maybe they can all stay over after the team party Sunday. We can camp out in the backyard or pull an all-nighter in the game room or something. I know it’s a school night, but the year’s almost over.”

  Dad smirks. “Are you trying to plan a sleepover with the boys right now?”

  I start to deny it, but then I realize he’s right, and
my face blushes. “No!” I cry, horrified. “I wasn’t. I just thought we could use the time together.”

  Dad bursts out laughing. “You’re a trip, kiddo.”

  “And you’re obnoxious.”

  Dad grins, proud of the not-compliment. “Listen, I’ve got a plane to go catch. Are you feeling better?”

  “A lot. Thanks.”

  “That’s what I’m here for.”

  I smirk. “You mean that’s what FaceTime is here for.”

  Dad sighs. “I’ll be able to hug you in the morning.”

  My heart warms. Dad is seriously the best. “Not too early. We’ll probably be up as late as you, so you’ll be able to sleep in. But can we do lunch together?”

  Dad’s face lights up as if I’ve just made his entire year. “It’s a date, baby girl.”

  “Bye, Dad. Love you.”

  “Love you, too. See you tomorrow. And don’t think I don’t realize that you’re spending the night at Jace’s house tonight even if it is with his sister.” He gives me the Dad Look.

  “What? Jace will be there?” I blink, feigning innocence. “I hadn’t even realized.”

  Dad snorts. “Sure.” Another Dad Look. “Behave yourself. No going in his room. No spending time alone with him. No spending any time at all with him between the hours of midnight and eight. Make sure his parents are—”

  “What’s that, Dad? I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up!”

  “I’m serious.”

  “I know.” I laugh. “That’s what’s so funny.”

  “You’re going to put me in an early grave.”

  I roll my eyes. “I’m the best daughter in the universe.”

  Dad sighs. “You are. Love you, slugger. Have fun.”

  “Love you too, Dad. Bye! Promise I won’t get pregnant!”

  I end the call just as Dad’s face turns white and he starts yelling. Dad is too easy.

  I’m a bundle of excited anticipation as I stand on the Kings’ front porch in my pajamas and slippers with my duffle over my shoulder and my pillow and sleeping bag in my arms. The sullen Bethany answers the door. She takes one look at me, rolls her eyes, throws the door open, and shouts, “Jace! Your girlfriend’s here!”

  I chuckle. She’s a real piece of work. Was I that sassy when I was in middle school? I hope not. However, I can’t argue her results. Jace arrives at the door within seconds. Almost as if he was waiting for me to show. He pushes his sister out of the way. “I got it. Thanks.” It earns him the same eye roll I got.

  Jace waves me in and closes the door behind me. He looks me over and grins down at my Pittsburgh Pirates pajamas and slippers. “Cute.”

  I smirk, but my cheeks heat up. “Dad gets discounts at the team store. Pretty sure I have at least one of everything by now.”

  “All the girls are in the basement,” he says. I stand there waiting for him to show me the way, but he doesn’t. He takes my stuff out of my hands and sets it by the door. Then he tangles my fingers in his and leads me through the living room. “So this is the house. It’s not a grand estate on a hill,” he teases, “but it’s home.”

  It’s a very average-size home, standard to the area. Nothing fancy but not shabby, either. And it’s very cute. It looks lived in. My house never has that look. “I love it,” I admit.

  When Jace drags me toward the stairs to the second floor, I stop at the base of the steps and arch a brow. “You said the girls are all in the basement.”

  “They are.” He flashes me a grin that totally validates all of my father’s warnings.

  I should go find the girls, but I let Jace lead me upstairs. When I see where he’s headed, I snort. “Are you seriously dragging me into your bedroom right now?”

  The gleam in Jace’s eyes and the wicked smile on his face still don’t prepare me for his next words. “Well, I got to try out your bed last week. Figured it was only fair you come try out mine.”

  The innuendo is over the top, and I burst out laughing so hard that I double over and have to hold my stomach.

  “Not the reaction I was going for,” Jace says dryly.

  I only laugh harder. “Oh, please. That was exactly the reaction you were going for with that line.”

  Jace chuckles. “True. You want to play video games with me until Leila finds you and steals you for the rest of the night? The Xbox happens to be in my room, but I have gamer chairs. Two of them, so we don’t have to share the bed.” He waggles his eyebrows. “Unless you want to cuddle.”

  A ridiculous amount of desire shoots through me at the thought of cuddling with Jace. It hits me so hard it nearly knocks me over, and there is absolutely no hiding my reaction from him. He freezes, his eyebrows lift in surprise, and his lips part slightly. Now I’m so embarrassed I want to die. Seriously. Die. My face is on fire, and I have no idea what to say. I’m so utterly inept when it comes to boys.

  Jace recovers first and starts messing with the pillows on his bed. His bed is a double mattress, and it’s pressed long ways against the wall. The TV and game console are sitting on his dresser across the room on the other wall. Jace moves his pillows from the head of his bed so that they’re up against the wall and facing the TV. Next he tosses his remote and two game controllers onto the bed. Then, he holds his hand out to me. “Come on.”

  My feet won’t move. I’m seriously freaking out right now. Is this really happening? Jace takes my hand and pulls me onto his bed with him. I guess it’s happening.

  Jace scoots back against the pillows and pulls me into the space next to him. When I sit straight as a board and leave at least six inches between us, Jace shakes his head. “Nope. That’s not how you cuddle.”

  He tugs my arm so hard that I fall against him. I gasp and scramble to sit up, but he wraps his arms around me and tucks me snugly against his chest. I sag, my body melding against his. It’s like one of Eric’s or Dad’s hugs but also not. Definitely not. Because there’s this charged electricity that is making my body go haywire. My eyes drift shut, and a sigh of content escapes without me realizing it. I could die right now and not even know it. I’m in heaven. “Does cuddling always feel like this?”

  Jace chuckles and hugs me just a little tighter. “With the right person, yeah. Have you seriously never done this?”

  “Not since I was a little girl and watched movies curled up against my dad. Certainly never like this.”

  Jace lays his cheek on top of my head, and starts absently playing with my hair. “How is that possible?”

  I shrug. “Who would I cuddle with? I’ve never dated before.”

  I feel like I should be embarrassed by this conversation, but I’m so comfortable I feel like, right now, I could tell Jace anything and it would be okay.

  “What about Sullivan?” he asks. “I know you guys are just friends, and you’ve never dated, but you’ve never just snuggled? He doesn’t hold you when you watch the games together?”

  I shake my head. “It’s never been like that with us. No one ever believes that, but there’s genuinely never been anything between us more than friendship.”

  “But you’re so close.”

  “Close, yeah. But physically affectionate?” I shake my head. “That hug you saw after the game tonight? That might have been the most intimate we’ve ever been with each other. I could probably count on my fingers the number of times we’ve hugged like that.”

  “He’s an idiot,” Jace mutters, to himself more than anything.

  I smile, but I sigh at the same time. “It’s not his fault. Eric doesn’t get a lot of—or any—affection at home. He’s prickly. His walls are really thick, and he has a hard time letting even Dad and me in.”

  “I get it.” Pause. “He’s still an idiot.”

  I should be insulted on Eric’s behalf, but I’m still just flattered. It’s a heady feeling to know someone wants you.

  We fall silent for several minutes, content to just sit here with each other. I can’t remember the last time I felt so relaxed. When Jace breaks
the silence, I barely hear his murmured question. “Is it true, what Shelly said? Are you in love with Sullivan?”

  My heart leaps up into my throat. I really don’t want to have this conversation, but I do owe it to Jace.

  “Shelly said it’s obvious.” He swallows and shifts me in his arms so that he can look down at me. “Am I missing something here? Am I just seeing what I want to see?”

  For the first time, there’s a hint of desperation in his voice. Or maybe it’s yearning. I feel terrible, and I realize just how much my mixed signals and wishy-washy feelings have the potential to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt Jace. Not ever. He deserves so much better than that from me. He deserves the truth. Even if I don’t know what that is. “I always did, but I don’t know anymore,” I admit. “This whole thing has been so confusing, I’ve not been able to figure out how I feel or what I want.”

  “Could you try for me?” he asks quietly.

  I meet his gaze and see so much emotion staring back at me. Emotions I’ve never seen directed at me before. Want. Need. Fear that I’ll reject him.

  “I’ll understand whatever your answer is,” he says, “but I need to know where I stand—as best as you can give me—because this is getting real for me.”

  The air leaves my lungs. He’s so sweet. And when I’m with him like this, I hardly even think of Eric. I’m pretty sure I know what that means. “I think it’s getting real for me, too,” I murmur.

  Jace sits up a little straighter and takes my hand. He rubs his thumb on the back of it, then brings it to his lips. When I suck in a small gasp, he drops our hands to his lap and clings to my fingers. “And Sullivan?” he asks.

  I take a deep breath. “I love him,” I admit. “I know that much. But I don’t know if what I feel for him is more than that anymore.” I pull my head back and look at Jace. “Does that make sense?”

  “Maybe. Think you could elaborate?”

  I lie back against him and tuck my head under his chin. He places a kiss to the top of my head, then rests his cheek against it. I’m grateful he’s being so understanding. He’s always been that way about my relationship with Eric. I don’t think I could be with someone who didn’t accept Eric as part of my life.