The Monkey Theory

by Sfurti Sahare

  The P-Monkey or the Lazy Monkey

  T he P-Monkey (the Procrastinator Monkey) is a tough nut to crack. You probably don’t even sometimes realise that he is working hard to make you do things that he wants you to do.

  It’s because of the P-Monkey that your social media handles are so vibrant! When overdone, these things waste your time. He knows that. You know that. But, hey, it is so much fun and therefore, you should turn over a new leaf … tomorrow! The P-Monkey is ready for fun instantly, but loves to do everything else tomorrow.

  He wants to be a better person, but tomorrow!

  Think of all the times you have underperformed because you weren’t prepared enough. Think of all the useless shopping you have done. Look at your wardrobe and check out all the unnecessary clothes you bought. Think of the time you were a couch potato and spent hours lounging in front of the TV. You did all of this to get away from doing something else that was more important. Well, all of that was the P-Monkey at work.

  What is the actual definition of procrastination?

  Procrastination: the act of ruining your own life for stupid, demeaning reasons like:

  Let me take a small nap.

  Let me watch the next episode of Game of Throne s.

  Let me finish the next level of Candy Crush.

  Let me wonder about who is dating whom.

  Let me ponder about why she is thirty-two, but still not married.

  Feel free to add to this list.

  We all want to achieve something, we all desire something bigger, better and more significant. We all want that great body, those admirable work ethics, to work for that well-known company and that envious lifestyle. We all want to achieve world-class results.

  Pop psychology writer Malcolm Gladwell says that deliberate 10,000 hours of practice is needed to become world-class in any field. But leave alone 10,000 … the truth is that most of us can’t even focus for three hours at a stretch. Forget about three hours, I see many people struggling to focus even for an hour!

  It all boils down to this question: Why can’t we do what we actually want to do?

  The simple answer is procrastination. A simple and succinct word.

  And the solution to those who want to move ahead in life is just as simple.

  Here’s a simple exercise for you to try out now!

  Step 1: Go back to what you did yesterday.

  Step 2: Think about whether you were really productive.

  If yes, that’s great!

  If no, who or what stopped you? What were the things you should have absolutely avoided?

  All those things that you think could have been avoided are courtesy the P-Monkey. He was the one throwing all the useless distractions your way to make his life simple.

  Procrastination has been a challenge that humans have faced since ancient times. Struggling, delaying, avoiding and offering excuses on issues that matter is an old habit. The problem is so timeless that ancient Greek philosophers had coined a word to describe this behaviour. They called it ‘akrasia’ which essentially means, the state of acting against your better judgement. Yes, your better judgement actually gets paralysed when your P-Monkey traps you.

  But no, it’s not your fault. We have never been given the correct tools to understand and fight this state. We’ve only heard our parents say, ‘Please be disciplined. If you destroy time today, time will destroy you someday!’ They never bothered to tell us how.

  Now here we are:

  We need to make sure that people with deadlines avoid checking social media notifications frequently.

  We need to figure out how people interested in losing weight avoid taking those naps as excuses to not exercise.

  Students who need to be studying should avoid making those fancy boomerangs.

  Feel free to add to this list.

  How indeed?

  Instead of merely telling us (the victims of this state) that fancy quote about discipline, perhaps our parents should have explained to us why we were behaving in a certain way, and what the way out of it was. How does one get over the tendency to keep on postponing things?

  Nobody explained to you why your mind doesn’t allow you to go to the gym!

  Nobody explained to you why you are the last person to hand in your submissions!

  Nobody explained to you why your mind moves in the exact opposite direction of where you actually want it to!

  Sadly, neither have we attempted to understand our own behaviour.

  To state things simply, it is the P-Monkey who is responsible for this. For super-disciplined people, this monkey is in an almost-dormant state, but for those who are struggling to find their towel every day, this monkey is in the active state.

  The Human Monkey wants everything that is good for you. He is that voice in your head that says, ‘This is the ideal time to do this project. Let’s do it!’

  The P-Monkey will give you ideas like, ‘Let’s go on YouTube first and do some research.’ Once on YouTube, you are likely to spot the promo of a new movie, the video of a new song … and soon, you are elsewhere! Time is wasted, work does not get done and frustration crops up.

  For most people, the Human Monkey is the frustrated soul that doesn’t understand why he is doing all this. He blames himself! This blame keeps filling up the Box of Guilt.

  In the scenario detailed below, the Human Monkey wants to go for a root canal treatment. Observe how the P-Monkey stops him.

  Human Monkey: Let’s go for that dental treatment. Let’s act right away before it comes to a point where we have to replace the entire tooth, which will cost a bomb.

  P-Monkey: Hmm … go on Saturday.

  Human Monkey: Okay, fine.

  Saturday is soon here:

  Human Monkey: Let’s go.

  P-Monkey: Aren’t you feeling a little sick today? And the dental treatment will be painful. Let me get well. The tooth decay is just about beginning. It is not an urgent situation.

  The Human Monkey kept prodding you to go, but the P-Monkey kept throwing up excuses, one after the other.

  A few days later:

  Human Monkey: The tooth has started to hurt badly. Let’s go today!

  P-Monkey: Stop by after office since it is on the way.

  After arriving at the dentist’s:

  P-Monkey: Oh no, there is long queue!

  Human Monkey: Let’s wait.

  P-Monkey: You have lot of pending work, the pain is very basic, book an appointment and come again.

  This is how the P-Monkey will keep on delaying things, often by giving you a sense of false security.

  In most situations, the P-Monkey prevents us from doing anything constructive till the Human Monkey gets aggressive, gets into his Power Zone and demands that action be taken immediately!

  Consider a few more instances:

  Human Monkey: My weight has gone up by three kilos. It’s time to hit the gym.

  P-Monkey: Nope, don’t worry, nothing will happen. You are looking good, chubby-chubby, and you are not fat. Just look at Mrs Sharma.

  Another instance:

  Human Monkey: I have time today, let me start working on my new book.

  P-Monkey: Okay. A quick e-mail check and then, you can begin.

  Once online, the P-Monkey gets excited and starts doing something else that was not on the agenda.

  P-Monkey: Let’s read something about the deadly Blue Whale Challenge. Also, by the way, check out Amazon reviews on that new gadget you have been wanting to buy.

  Soon, before you know it, you are checking out the discounted price of the latest iPhone on Amazon.

  Now, it’s already 4.30 p.m. and you have to rush for your next appointment.

  This is how the P-Monkey acts like a slow poison, and hour after hour, day after day, week after week, kills time, frustrating the Human Monkey.

  In an ideal scenario, the P-Monkey must not be allowed to get active at all. But it is the most active among those who seem to be looking for external reasons for th
ings that did not work out. Like that lost opportunity for a promotion or those ‘few’ extra kilos that seem to have appeared out of nowhere.

  The P-Monkey enjoys leisure. He thinks, what’s the point of sweating in the gym, if I can play Candy Crush in an air-conditioned room and relax? What’s the point of disturbing my early morning sleep for yoga? Why should I avoid ice cream when it is so tasty? Why solve those difficult maths problems when there is a new Kylie Jenner post on Instagram?

  For the P-Monkey, the Human Monkey is an old fellow who is bent on making its life difficult.

  Do you put your diet off by a ‘few hours’ when you see something you want to eat? Do you make exceptions to your exercise routine on a ‘cold’ day? Are you always choosing the ‘easy’ option in situations? If your answer to all these questions is yes, then your P-Monkey is pretty active.

  The P-Monkey wants to navigate your boat according to his convenience. But since he is an unqualified navigator, you are unable to understand the direction in which your life is headed. The P-Monkey never considers past experiences or future ambitions. He just wants to play games on the chessboard in front of him at that moment, which unfortunately will yield nothing major and significant.

  I have seen many people say that they hate themselves. They have suffered a great deal in life because of their ‘let’s do it tomorrow’ attitude. They lose confidence and self-respect and start to believe that they are good at nothing. Even if they start doing something new with lots of hope and positivity, their determination goes out of the window midway because of the interference of the P-Monkey.

  List out the things you have lost because of the P-Monkey.

  Why am I asking you to do this? No, not to make you feel terrible! This is just a realisation tool which will help you counterattack his excuses!

  The Palace of the P-Monkey

  Once, the Human Monkey was frustrated because he couldn’t clear an entrance exam. He could clearly see that it was because of his indiscipline and laziness, meaning, the P-Monkey was in action. The Human Monkey resolved to make sure that the P-Monkey didn’t waste time or cause his schedule to go haywire henceforth.

  The next day, the Human Monkey started his day early, put the phone away while working, prepared a timetable, started early every day and got down to work! This went on for three days … and then the P-Monkey returned!

  Has this happened to you? You were very consistent for the first few days of your diet or gym or study schedule but a few days later, you began to lose focus.

  Similarly, after a few days, the Human Monkey realised that it was almost impossible to get rid of the P-Monkey so easily.

  ‘I need to find a way. I need to learn the tools to fool him!’ the Human Monkey told himself.

  It was time to catch, confront and do away with the P-Monkey forever, thought the Human Monkey. It was time to pay the P-Monkey a visit at his palace.

  The reason I am calling it a palace is because the P-Monkey actually lives like a king! His palace is a palatial one. It will take your breath away. It has beautifully painted walls, tinted rainbow-coloured window panes, a well-manicured garden and a majestic door.

  The tastefully done interiors and the antique furniture will leave you spellbound. The home is equipped with the latest technologies. The P-Monkey makes sure he is well-supplied with all the gadgets necessary for luxury and comfort. He likes to spend a lot of his money on big cars, mobile phones, video games, house interiors and so on.

  When the Human Monkey visited the palace, there were gadgets all over the place, many of them fairly new. The huge TV in the living hall was airing the latest movie. There was plenty of popcorn. The sofa was soft and comfortable. And yet, there was plenty that was wrong.

  It was stinking so much that the Human Monkey desperately wanted to get out and breathe some fresh air. One sock from a pair lay in the kitchen and the other was lying near the TV remote. There were chocolate wrappers below the bed … and the room smelt foul because of the left-over pizza from three days ago! The rooms were really messy and poorly maintained.

  The P-Monkey loves living in beautiful, lavish places, but keeps them messy, and cluttered. He is too lazy to maintain them. He would love to stay in clean places too … provided someone else was doing the cleaning!

  He bought plenty of gadgets but soon got bored of them. If there was a new gadget in town, the P-Monkey had to have it but couldn’t be bothered about doing away with the old ones.

  Everywhere the Human Monkey looked—on the walls, cabinets and elsewhere—‘tomorrow’ was etched in big, bold letters.

  The Human Monkey then discovered the P-Monkey’s to-do list:

  Clearing up iPhone data while writing an assignment.

  Checking the cost of those Nike shoes on Flipkart.

  Refreshing Facebook feed repeatedly to check out what’s new and looking at photographs till you find pictures of your friend with her boyfriend.

  Daydreaming about ‘how I will become the Prime Minister of the country’.

  Thinking about the latest dress of a famous celebrity.

  Looking at the latest pictures and getting confused about which one should go up on social media.

  Thinking about your ex and wondering what she must be thinking.

  Touching that new pimple hundred times a day!

  As is obvious, each one of the above tasks is unproductive and could have been used for something else resulting in concrete achievements.

  Clearing up iPhone data while writing an assignment.

  Checking the cost of those Nike shoes on Flipkart.

  Refreshing Facebook feed repeatedly to check out what’s new and looking at photographs till the time you find picture of your friend with her boyfriend.

  Daydreaming about ‘how I will become the Prime Minister of the country’.

  Thinking about the latest picture of Kylie Jenner.

  Looking at your latest pictures and getting confused about which should go on social media.

  Thinking about your ex- and wondering what he or she must be thinking.

  Touching that new pimple hundred times a day!

  In another spot in the house, the Human Monkey discovered the ‘achievement’ list of the P-Monkey!

  Increased body weight by ten kilos.

  Made 1000 Facebook friends and got 3423 Instagram followers.

  Crossed the 73th level of Candy Crush.

  Successfully fought with the snooze button on the alarm and got up exactly fifteen minutes before school.

  Kept you short by five per cent each semester.

  Shopped for the entire collection of Forever New.

  Watched all the latest movies at PVR.

  Attended all birthday parties.

  Watched all videos forwarded on WhatsApp.

  Checked all the new Hollywood gossip.

  Even as the Human Monkey was trying to process all that he had seen in the palace of the P-Monkey, he remembered a recent incident.

  One day, the Human Monkey was busy with a project and determined to finish it that day. Even as he pondered over the project, a little voice within spoke up, ‘Isn’t it time to take a break? You’ve been working for an hour.’

  ‘Sssshh,’ retorted the Human Monkey. ‘I am going to finish my project! Don’t disturb!’

  ‘Okay, I won’t … but I still think, tomorrow is a Monday and Monday is the best day to work. Sunday is a day for rest!’

  The P-Monkey was up to his tricks.

  ‘Listen,’ said the P-Monkey in a soft voice. ‘Clearly, you are tired. Tomorrow, start afresh. You might end doing poor quality work if you continue doing it today. Better take a break.’

  ‘No, I can’t do that. I MUST finish the project today,’ the Human Monkey replied.

  The P-Monkey spoke up again, ‘I don’t understand why you are like this. Life is beautiful. Why do you have to work so much? Your father has earned enough. You can sit, relax and enjoy, can’t you, buddy?’

  ‘I need to perform
well. My family expects a lot from me. It’s time for me to be focused and consistent. But because of you, I can’t perform. So please stop making these stupid excuses. Please let me stay away from the phone. Please let me finish.’

  ‘Tomorrow … tomorrow … tomorrow is the best time my dear … how can you stay away from the phone today, sweetheart? After all, that’s my favourite food. The phone is my favourite snack, gossip is my favourite dinner and shopping is my favourite pastime!’

  ‘I’m requesting you politely. Stop wasting my time.’

  ‘Honey, you don’t understand …. I need the phone, gossip and shopping to keep me fit. Else I will get sick, I will lose weight. Oh! Now go ahead, it’s time to eat some wafers and then take a nap. Move it. Work can wait!’

  ‘Polite conversation won’t work with you. Why are you like this?

  I earn. You spend.

  I diet. You eat junk.

  I save time. You waste time.

  I exercise. You sleep.

  I am going to kill you one day!’

  The Human Monkey started to fight with the P-Monkey. But the P-Monkey was huge and powerful and was only injured. The P-Monkey walked away, down, but not out.

  Having incapacitated the P-Monkey, even if for a while, the Human Monkey was able to focus. He woke up on time, exercised each morning, ate healthy food and began to feel energetic and happy. This discipline lasted for all of three days.

  The P-Monkey had returned!

  P-Monkey: Oh, it’s Sunday. Let me sleep for fifteen minutes more.

  And an hour passed by.

  Human Monkey: Oh my God, it’s 8.15, Dad is coming today. I need to rush to the airport to pick him up. Gosh, how could I sleep so much!