The Monkey Theory

by Sfurti Sahare

  ‘He is excellent at telling lies and trapping people. Close to 90 per cent of humans fall prey to Fear Monkeys. It is difficult to beat their arguments. They hypnotise people to give up on a lot of things. They influence us against investing, from going up on stage, against following our passions and from taking up any kind of risk.

  ‘And if you disagree, they will show you the wall of misery. They will confuse you and prevent you from taking any step. And even if you do, they will be the poorly thought-through ones.’

  ‘What’s the wall of misery?’ asked the Human Monkey out of curiosity.

  ‘The Fear Monkeys used all those situations, where you were rejected, humiliated, ignored and when you failed, to build a wall, brick by brick. With every failure, this wall becomes bigger and stronger! All of us have it.’

  ‘So, what’s the way out? Can you tell me that?’ the Human Monkey asked.

  ‘No … I don’t know the way out exactly. You can’t destroy them immediately! You need to make a master plan to deal with them! The school library has a book called The Lifeline which holds the secret to dealing with the Fear Monkey. There are three families of Fear Monkeys. You will have to learn to deal with all three of them.’

  The Fear Monkey and his Families

  The Human Monkey was taken aback when it heard that the Fear Monkey had three families. What could those three be, he wondered aloud. Pat came the reply from the Confidence Monkey.

  The three families are:

  1) The Insult-Proof Family

  They will make you avoid all the things that could hurt your ego.

  2) The Dark Facts Family

  They will haunt you with past mistakes and future worries.

  3) The Death-Proof Family

  These are good Fear Monkeys. The Human Monkey needs to use his judgement when dealing with them.

  ‘Remember, not all of the Fear Monkeys are evil. Some are good for us too. We must learn to overpower only those monkeys who are not adding value to our life. I heard them say once that they are afraid of some 5-3-1 rule,’ said the Confidence Monkey.

  ‘What’s this 5-3-1 rule?’ asked the Human Monkey with curiosity.

  ‘The 5-3-1 rule is a tool to destroy the Fear Monkey empire. I am not sure what it is. You have to find the book, understand it well and come up with a plan. I want to be with you always!’ the Confidence Monkey replied.

  The Human Monkey understood now that it was very important to recognise and accept the Fear Monkeys, and prepare a foolproof plan to deal with them.

  The Human Monkey came back from the Land of Terror feeling quite excited about his decision to understand his own fears. He was now very certain that through a systematic process, he could gain control over the Fear Monkey. He also remembered the warning given by the Confidence Monkey—not to kill all the Fear Monkeys. Some of them are good for us, the Confidence Monkey had said. We only have to kill the unproductive ones.

  The next day, the Human Monkey went to the library. He was a little worried about the availability of the book the Confidence Monkey had spoken about. Other students may have already had it issued, he thought and nervously asked the librarian for the book.

  The librarian showed him where the book was located. As he made his way to the bookshelf, the Human Monkey was overcome by a feeling of curiosity. What was the 5-3-1 formula? Would it work?

  Then he saw the book— The Lifeline .

  Surprisingly, the book had not be issued in the last four years. If everyone has fears, then why aren’t they trying to overcome them, he wondered.

  The Human Monkey decided to pose this question to the Eagle of Wisdom at their next meeting. But for the moment, he was super-excited to read the book.

  The Human Monkey learnt that originally, the Fear Monkey’s job had been to protect us humans. This was when humans hadn’t settled and had numerous threats to their lives. But the threats of modern day life are different. The Fear Monkey has started doing more harm than good in today’s scenario by trying to protect us.

  The three families of the Fear Monkey and the 5-3-1 rule were also mentioned in the book.

  The Insult-Proof Family

  These monkeys will try to avoid all public embarrassment and are afraid of being judged. Furthermore, they are afraid of humiliation and rejection. They are constantly comparing you with others. They will want to keep you inside the caves forever so that nobody can ever make fun of you!

  If you are very adamant about going and speaking to your latest crush, Anna, and if you think you should tell her that you like her, these monkeys will throw a googly in the form of destructive thoughts such as:

  You are overweight. Look at Anna! She is slim and tall.

  You look like a zombie, don’t go!

  What if she slaps you right on your cheek!

  Similarly, if you are part of a public gathering and want to speak up about something, these monkeys may start to say things like:

  It’s not a good idea.

  People will laugh.

  What if you fumble?

  This is perhaps the reason why public speaking is the #1 fear followed by death. The moment you decide to get up and speak in public, the Fear Monkey will start telling you all the possible things that could go wrong to protect from you from insult and humiliation.

  Three out of four people suffer from speech anxiety. This monkey is successful in paralysing performance, which is accompanied by an immediate variety of physical and emotional symptoms. These symptoms interfere in the person’s ability to successfully give a speech or make a presentation. They include anxiety, worry, nervousness, trembling, sweating, dizziness and so on.

  These are the monkeys which prevent you from going up in public. They attempt to avoid a public appearance at any cost.

  If you have any of the fears mentioned below, then you are probably a victim of the Insult-Proof family of monkeys:

  Fear of expressing your point of view

  Fear of questioning

  Fear of speaking in mass gatherings

  Fear of asking about your rights

  The Insult-Proof family will never let you speak. To express opinions, you need to be free, and your mental space has to be utilised for preparing not for panicking.

  How to deal with the Insult-Proof Family?

  (Note: Don’t fight with them! Fighting with them will multiply their strength! Yes, they do reproduce fast!)

  There are five rules for dealing with these monkeys. The final and most important one will help you reach the Purple Island.

  Rule 1: Offer cherries to these monkeys

  Let us suppose that you are walking upstairs. You don’t know yet but there is a lizard on the twelfth step which you will notice only when you reach the eighth step.

  Now, after spotting the thick, fat, brown, spotted hazel-eyed lizard, within a tenth of a second, the lizard’s image is transferred from the retina to the brain. And, it takes you another tenth of a second to realise that it may spit poison at you. Another tenth of a second to realise that since you have to go upstairs for a scheduled meeting, you can’t create a scene.

  And if you have a phobia of lizards, this is a really tough situation. But, suddenly, you get a call from a friend saying that a common friend has broken up with her boyfriend of nine years. Even as you are processing this, you get a message from another person indicating that you are required at the meeting upstairs quickly. You then calmly and quickly walk up those stairs, past the lizard, without batting an eyelid!

  Now what happened here?

  The call from your friend diverted your attention.

  Due to the change in focus, your body stopped releasing the stress hormone.

  You were quite shocked to hear of your friend’s break-up. Technically, you were distracted, and that made you walk up those stairs without worrying too much about the lizard.

  This is what I mean by giving cherries to the monkeys. The Fear Monkey will keep eating those cherries and you can go about your work. There is
nothing better than keeping the anxious monkey distracted.

  Distraction methods:

  Anxious? Distract yourself with a game.

  Afraid? Give yourself a surprise.

  Surprise is food for all the monkeys. While they are playing with it, the Human Monkey can quickly finish work.

  So, when I say feed the monkeys with cherries, I actually mean, surprise them!

  Rule 2: Let me see what happens next

  Accept the fears. Don’t argue.

  By arguing, you may actually be helping the reason that the Fear Monkey is proposing to become stronger. He will show you the Wall of Misery that will demonstrate the umpteen number of times that things did not work out for you.

  Instead, motivate yourself by saying that you are ready for a new challenge. Just try to let go and get excited about what’s in store next. ‘Let’s see what happens next,’ is a good mantra to live by.

  Rule 3: The ‘I am not alone’ mantra

  I have a superpower. I am not alone .

  So the next time you are afraid of walking alone on the path of uncertainty, wary of taking that tough decision or just working yourself up about giving a big public talk, taking that business risk or speaking out to your loved ones about a sensitive issue, just remind yourself, ‘I am not alone.’ You can pray and recall the God you worship.

  Prayers have an important significance in life.

  I am not alone!

  I am not alone!

  I am not alone!

  Try it for the first three times and you will find that the Fear Monkey is already becoming weaker.

  Attempt number 1: You will be very, very afraid!

  Attempt number 2: You will be very afraid.

  Attempt number 3: You will be slightly afraid.

  Attempt number 4: The Fear Monkey starts to become weaker and weaker.

  Point to Note: You only have to show willpower for the first two to three times. Any task is frightening at the start. Later, it becomes easy.

  Rule 4: Set a timer

  The next time the Fear Monkey comes and hampers your attempt, stop and set a timer!

  Fear Monkey: Oh, don’t speak in between! They are really big shots. They will never consider your idea.

  Start your mental timer—tick, tick …

  Human Monkey: Okay, what else?

  Fear Monkey: He is the president of the company. Your idea of improving sales is stupid and it will take you nowhere. They will laugh at you … probably humiliate you in front of these VIPs.

  Human Monkey: Okay, you have been speaking for the last fifteen seconds … what else do you want to say? Speak up, I am giving you time.

  Fear Monkey: Speaking about this idea can turn into your worst nightmare … they might just throw you out of the company! You will lose your job.

  Human Monkey: Ask him, ‘How will I lose my job by speaking about this idea?’

  Fear Monkey: Umm … I don’t know!

  Then the Fear Monkey stops nagging you.

  Just accept whatever it is saying and go and do what you feel is right. Setting a timer and accepting whatever the Fear Monkey is saying for a brief interval is a good idea. Let him speak but don’t agree with what he has to say. There is always a difference between accepting and agreeing.

  Believe that you are not alone and just do it!

  Yes, just do it and finish it.

  You will feel a lot better.

  And act fast.

  The Fear Monkey is afraid of quick actions. He can’t think that fast.

  Rule 5: The Purple Island.

  This place has the power to instantly nullify all the Fear Monkeys. We will learn all about this island a little later.

  The Dark Fact Family

  The Dark Fact Monkeys will remind you about all the past experiences where you failed and thus prevent you from taking a step ahead. Your past failures are the dark facts that they cling to.

  Did you go through a failure in the past that haunts you even today and affects your ability to make a decision? If yes, you are a victim of the Dark Fact family of monkeys.

  There are three rules for dealing with these monkeys.

  Rule 1: Throw some oxygen bars at them

  The minute you see that your Fear Monkey is growing stronger and beginning to give you panic attacks, resort to using oxygen bars. They will help the Human Monkey take control.

  But what are they? Oxygen bars are nothing but deep breaths. And there are many different techniques of taking deep breaths, all of which are equally powerful.

  You can start with simple Anulom-Vilom pranayama, Bhramari or something even simpler. You could keep it uncomplicated and go for the good, old-fashioned deep breath, too!

  How many oxygen bars? It depends on the dominance of the Fear Monkey at that point of time. If it is hyperactive you may need to take around ten or more oxygen bars at frequent intervals.

  These deep breaths release good chemicals called endorphins and soon, the Fear Monkey becomes inactive!

  On the contrary when you are stressed, cortisol, the stress hormone is released which is responsible for fear and anxiety.

  Rule 2: Light the Candle of Hope

  Certain negative experiences from the past can have a powerful impact on a person. In such a situation, logical reasoning may not be very helpful. During these times, use the power of hope.

  Imagine that you are holding a candle and it is taking you towards light. That candle is helping you find the right path.

  Hope has cured many diseases, resolved many difficult situations and won many arguments. A person with hope can go a long way.

  Rule 3: Take him for a walk.

  Ask the Dark Fact Monkey questions. Speak to him gently. Try to resolve the matter in your own head.

  Recall the past incident and try to understand why it still haunts you. Is it really that scary? Or have you just created a mountain out of a molehill?

  The Death-Proof Family

  This family of monkeys is the one that tells you to be afraid of all kinds of heights, water, speed, fire, health hazards and so on.

  To deal with these monkeys, you will need to use the Key of Judgement i.e. your own judgement.

  For instance, when a person is afraid of elevators or flying, it’s actually the Fear Monkey that is afraid of accidents. But is there really something to be afraid of? This is what the person has to decide, based on the facts in front of him.

  Similarly, if you are afraid of going for a swim in a lake which might land you in trouble, then it’s a good fear.

  So, it’s all about thinking and using your right judgement when dealing with this fear.

  And this, my friends, is the 5-3-1 rule.

  Insult Proof Family

  Dark Fact Family

  Death Proof Family

  Give them cherries

  Let me see what happens next!

  Throw some oxygen bars

  I am not alone!

  Light the Candle of Hope

  Use judgement

  Set a timer

  Take him for a walk

  Wait for Purple Island!

  These are the key solutions. But the ultimate solution lies in the Purple Island.

  Points to remember:

  Fear is good and bad. Our mind secretes fear hormones to protect us from danger. That’s fine, because it wants to keep us alive.

  But constant, pointless fear is deadly to have.

  When in fear, divert your mind. Don’t give your mind space to think about the fear. Keep yourself busy.

  When afraid, start breathing deeply!

  Always carry a candle of hope! When in doubt just believe that everything will be fine!

  Take deliberate action the first three times, the fourth time you will see it pay off.

  The Drunk Monkey … The Monkey That Changes Colours!

  T he P-Monkey places huge obstacles in your path. The Fear Monkey damages your soul by restricting your choices and risk-taking ability. The wild Drunk Monkey dam
ages your relationships and ruins the quality of your life.

  The Drunk Monkey is different. This monkey can change his form in a fraction of second. The most important thing to understand about this monkey is that he is very difficult to find. Sometimes, he is to be found in the cleanest of places and at other times, he hangs around in messy locations. Sometimes, he can be seen with people engaging in spiritual discussions and at others he might be found talking ill about a work colleague. He is happy and grateful at times and cranky and complaining at others. The Drunk Monkey is capable of confusing you completely or making you think clearly. You may appear to be a wonderful human being on some days and an annoying beast on others depending on the Drunk Monkey’s mood.

  This monkey is a great believer in tit for tat. Let’s understand it through a situation. Your roommate has had a bad day and is therefore not in a talkative mood. The Drunk Monkey will tell you to show your roommate the same kind of behaviour on subsequent days. If your roommate behaved arrogantly, you respond with arrogance. If they acted selfishly, you will also demonstrate selfishness.

  How to Identify the Drunk Monkey

  Have you ever been in a situation where you reacted to something or someone and then regretted it? Have you said yes to a deal because you got excited at that moment and later thought it was a poor decision? Have you abused someone and later wondered whether the situation that prompted it was actually your fault and not the other person’s? Have you displayed a lot of attitude in a relationship, although your intention was to respond to these situations in a healthy or mature way?

  Controlling oneself in a situation is not something everyone can manage. Often, instead of responding, we react. And react badly! Not only does it exhaust and irritate us but also the people around us. There are several situations where we do things at the spur of the moment and regret every second of it later.