by Brie Paisley
I suck in a deep breath, as my heart pounds, before asking, “What if she doesn’t want the real me?”
His answer is instant. “Then fuck her. If she can’t see that you’re a great guy, and will treat her like a queen, then the hell with her.”
Nodding, I repeat Clark’s advice. “Honesty. Okay, yeah. I think I can do that.”
Clark stands, and as he does so, he claims, “You’ll be fine, Caleb. Don’t let your nerves get the best of you, either. Just lay it all out for her, and then go from there. Also, don’t worry about me blabbin’ to anyone. I’ll keep this just between us.”
I nod once more, as Clark takes his leave. Before he reaches the stairs, I say, “Thank you.” He turns, and I clench my jaw, holding back the questions from rushing out. God, his eyes seem so sad and just … lost. Our gaze only holds for a second, two at most, but in that moment, I have to fight every urge inside of me not to rush over and hug him. I have no idea of what his demons are, because Clark doesn’t talk about it, but fuck, seeing him so troubled, makes me want to beg him to open up.
As he turns to leave once more, I call out, “If you ever want to …” My words die off, as he turns back around again, and I quickly blurt out, “Thanks for not bustin’ my balls about my whole woman situation. And for not rattin’ me out to Caden. Lord knows he’d never shut up about it.” Clark doesn’t utter a single word. He only gives me a saddened smile and a nod, before he walks right up those steps.
Rubbing the center of my chest, I think fuck, he needs someone to help him.
As “White Iverson” by Post Malone plays softly, I finish shading the woman’s face, making it seem like she’s in the background. Drawing has always been a way to escape for me. First, it started, because I wanted to be just like my dad. After all the shit that happened with my family, I found myself drawing more, just to blank my mind. To forget all the fuck ups, and all my regrets and mistakes.
Now, all I can think about is how much I miss my best friend.
When Caleb told me Carter proposed to Shelby, I wasn’t surprised one bit with the way my stomach dropped. Or the way my chest began to hurt, like someone stabbed me with a knife. The one thing that did shock me was the fact I wasn’t jealous. No, it was guilt and regret that rushed through me. Oh and sorrow. Sorrow, because I wasn’t there to cheer on my BFF, or how Carter has completely forgotten about me. I know it’s my fault. I literally screwed up so bad, that I doubt there will be anyway to fix it.
It’s crazy to me how I wanted Carter all to myself, because I was in love with him, but if I’m being honest, I just miss my friend more than anything. Actually, I just miss the way the entire Harlow clan became my family. I miss being part of that, and being a part of something filled with love and devotion.
God knows I’ll never have that with my parents. They can’t even stand to be in the same room together.
I’m lucky if I can even see them for myself. Since the divorce, Mom has changed into a person that I don’t even recognize. At first, I thought it was her way of filling the void Dad created, but now, I don’t think it’s anything more than her being selfish. I can’t remember the last time her and I just … talked. Now that she’s dating this hot shot guy, she’s never around. Apparently, they’re off to Vegas for a few weeks, according to the note she left me on the fridge a week ago. My dad, on the other hand, well he’s replaced me with his brand-new wife and two kids.
I’m used to being alone in this big empty house.
Taking a break from my drawing, I glance around my room. Last year, I repainted the walls, making it seem like splashes of color are everywhere. I wanted my room to show how my emotions felt, after what happened between Carter and I, and not to mention, all the shit with my parents. Last year, as I was repainting, I felt out of control. I felt as if my entire world was changing without my permission. Not only had I ruined my relationship with my best friend, but my dad remarried and forgot all about me. Looking at all the colors now, tears fill my eyes, because I still feel those same emotions. I still feel as if I’m utterly alone in the world, with no one to lean on.
The thing with emotions, they come out one way or another. I chose for so long to hold everything inside, and I’ve never wanted to show how I truly felt. Why bother talking about things, when no one really and truly listens? Why burden those around me with petty bullshit, when others are worse off? My problems are nothing compared to what other people go through every single day. So, I’ve kept it all in, and still do, as a matter of fact. Hell, I lost Carter, because I didn’t know how to express myself. My mom is never around, and even if she were, she wouldn’t give me the time of the day, because I’m the wrong sex. My dad … My dad just doesn’t even matter anymore.
Pushing out a breath, I wipe my cheeks, as I realize I’ve been crying. Clenching my jaw, I try to get a lock on my emotions, trying to make them go back into the box where they belong. My phone pings with a text, and I’m glad for the distraction. Picking it up, I notice Caleb’s name, but my chest clenches seeing it. Laying the phone face down on the bed, I turn back to my sketch pad, and lean back against my headboard. I cross my legs, as I get comfortable on my bed, and then begin to finish my drawing. It’s probably one of the best ones I’ve ever done before. The woman I’ve been working on for an hour straight is starting to blend into the background, as if she’s not really there. But that’s how I wanted it. The trees, mountains, and even the river are supposed to stand out, as the woman fades into the background, always to be overlooked and misunderstood.
It isn’t lost on me that I’m basically drawing myself here.
Using my middle and ring finger, I gently shade some more around the woman’s neck. I’m so lost in my drawing, that when my phone pings back to back, I completely ignore it. I don’t bother seeing who it is, or asking why whoever it is, really wants to talk. I just want to finish my drawing. I just want to forget all this bullshit going on in my life.
So lost into my drawing and listening to “Blue Jeans” by Lana Del Rey, I never notice him, standing beside me. The only reason why I happen to glance up is because a feeling of contentment flows through me. Glancing up, I startle, and hold onto my sketch pad for dear life. “Fuckin’ hell, Caleb.”
“Sorry! I’m sorry, but you scared me. You weren’t answerin’ your phone, and I got worried.”
Slowly laying my pad down, I will my pounding heart to calm down. Not just because he scared the shit out of me, but because suddenly, I realize how much I needed to see him. Banishing that thought right out of my mind, I say, “It’s fine. Just knock or cough or do somethin’ next time.”
He frowns, as he claims, “I’ve been callin’ your name for the past ten minutes.”
“Oh, well, I’ve been sucked into my drawin’.”
“I can see that,” Caleb says, with a small chuckle. Out of nowhere, the room begins to feel smaller now that he’s here. It’s sort of awkward having him in my room, and in my personal space. He clears his throat, as if he can sense the feeling, too. “So, uh, why wouldn’t you answer me? Other than the fact that you were workin’.”
Oh, what a loaded question that is. For starters, I needed some time to work through my shit, and another, I was trying to avoid him for several reasons. With the way those brown eyes hold my gaze, I know I should’ve done more to avoid him. I should’ve never told him where I lived. I should’ve locked the damn door to keep him out. I should tell him to leave, and to get the hell out of my home, because when I’m around him, I want to fall into those arms and let him do whatever he wants with me. I want him to be the one who fills this hole inside my heart, when I’m not with him. I need him to be near me to make me feel alive again. He’s the only one who makes my heart race, with just one look, and the only one I’ve craved just to see every day. Plus, I found out who Savannah’s birth mother is, and I have a feeling that it’s going to open up a can of worms no one is prepared for.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t intentionally ignorin’ you,�
� I lie. I am sorry, but I’m not sorry for trying to protect myself.
Caleb stares at me for a moment, before moving closer, as he takes a seat on the edge of the bed. “Have I done somethin’ wrong?”
Recoiling, I say, “God, no. Why would you think that?”
He shakes his head, as if he’s trying to gather his thoughts, before saying, “It’s just … somethin’ is up, and I want you to know you can tell me whatever it is. I’m here for you, Bet.”
Shit fire. I’m in such deep shit here. How does he know? How can he tell that something is wrong, but yet, he barely knows me? It’s a mystery. Instead of coming out with the truth, about everything going on with me, I blurt, “I found Savannah’s birth mother.”
“Really?” He asks, as his eyebrows raise in shock. I nod, as he says, “Wow. That didn’t take you long. Have to say, I’m impressed.”
His smile makes my stomach clench with a need I didn’t know I wanted. Ignoring it, I just shrug. “It was nothin’. I reached out to some of my friends on the dark web, and they pointed me in the right direction.” Okay, so that’s a half lie. I did find out who made the fake documents, but the asshole wouldn’t give me any information about Savannah’s mother’s true identity, until I paid him. Two grand later, and I have a name, her real social, and where she currently lives. Not to mention, I know everything there is to know about where Savannah was placed for adoption, including all her medical records. It’s kind of strange knowing so much about a person, yet I don’t know Savannah at all. However, her real mom, I know some things about her. Carter told me a few stories back in the day, but he would only share those times, when he was shit faced.
Getting up, I walk over to my desk in the corner of my room, and pull out the paper and flash drive Caleb will need. As I hand them over, our gazes lock, and I swear he can see into my soul. God, this feeling is unlike anything I’ve felt before. It’s like tunnel vision, where nothing, absolutely nothing else matters, but him. My racing heart literally skips a beat, as my breath hitches. Suddenly, my stomach fills with butterflies, as my pussy clenches with a need so strong, it makes me swallow hard. Not to mention, as I raise my hand without realizing it, he touches my hand, and it’s like an electric shock. Seeing his mouth moving, I blink a few times, shaking my head. “Impressive,” is all I hear.
“I’m sorry. What?” Surely, this isn’t all one sided? Fuck, who am I kidding? Of course, it’s all one sided. Why in the hell would Caleb ever want me? I’ll never be good enough for him. He deserves someone else. Someone who isn’t still fucked up from their parents’ divorce. Someone who doesn’t have horrible trust issues, or problems with opening up. He deserves someone better than me.
“I said,” he begins, with a smirk. “This is very impressive work, Bet. I can’t believe you found her so quickly.”
Blushing from his compliment, I step back, as I say, “It was nothin’. Plus, you haven’t even looked at who she is. Trust me, you need to be prepared.” Anyone with a working brain, will see and know how bad this will be. Not only for Shelby, but for Caden and Savannah, too. I don’t know everything about Shelby or her family, but I’ve heard so many horror stories, with the time I spent with Carter, to get the gist of it.
Caleb’s eyes widen, as he quickly reads over the page, and I know he’s understanding what I meant now. “Holy shit.”
“Yeah. That should be a fun family reunion.”
He doesn’t say a word for a moment, and I watch him closely, as he folds up the document, placing it, and the flash drive to the side. “Caden is not goin’ to take this well.” I can’t say for sure what’ll happen, but I hope, when Caden does tell Savannah, she’ll handle this news okay. Caleb shakes his head, and I cross my arms, as he glances up at me. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
Holding onto myself tighter, as if somehow it’ll keep me from falling apart, I nod. “Yeah. I’m just peachy.” But I’m not. My heart races, knowing that if I’m not careful, I’m going to fall hard for him. I have to remember to keep my fragile heart guarded, if only to protect myself for when he leaves me, because he will. Deep down, I’m already preparing for it. In the end, every single person I care for ends up leaving.
“Okay. Good.” My eyes never leave him, as he takes both hands and rubs up and down his legs. He seems nervous, but that’s ridiculous. What would he have to be nervous about? “So, um, I have somethin’ I want to get off my chest.”
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
This isn’t good. Here’s the part where he tells me he knows what a shitty human being I am, and he never wants to see me again. This is the part where I’ll act strong, but really, it’ll be like I’m dying all over again. Yes, this is crazy to feel so strongly about, but come on. The second he and I connected at the airport, something clicked into place for me, and I can’t handle him rejecting me.
He can’t just toss me aside.
But what he does literally takes my breath away.
Fuck, I’m going to be sick.
All the pep talking I did, on the way over here, goes right out the door, as I try to tell her how badly I want her. Bethany stares at me, waiting for me to speak, but I’m having a hard time, telling her how much she means to me. In the back of my mind, I know I should dial my feelings for her back some. I get the sense that if I were to tell her I’ve loved her for the past six years, she’ll run away screaming.
Clark’s advice runs through my mind once again, and I decide to say the hell with it. I’m done with being shy about my feelings for Bethany. I’m done with being a fucking pussy, when it comes to taking what I want.
Right now?
I want her.
I want to feel her lips against mine.
I want to taste her.
Getting up, I don’t bother using words. I don’t give a damn if I’m crossing a line with our friendship. With what I’m about to do, she’ll know without a doubt that I want her, and only her. My eyes never waiver from hers, as I take a step closer. I give her credit. She doesn’t move an inch, as if she knows what is about to happen, and she wants it, too. As if she knows what’s on my mind, her hands lower, and I take it as my chance. One hand grabs her by the waist, as my other cups her cheek. Pulling her as close as possible, I lean down, hovering right over her lips. Hearing her breath hitch, I smirk.
Closing my eyes, I kiss her.
I kiss her with everything I have in me. I kiss her with all the love I have to offer. I put everything I am into our kiss. Using my tongue, I touch her lips, seeking permission. My hold on her tightens, as she opens for me, and then moans, as we connect. Fuck me, the way this girl makes me feel is unreal. My entire body is ready and primed just for her, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get enough. Her taste is more than I imagined, and my hand on her waist moves up slowly, sliding under her shirt. I can’t seem to help myself. Something has broken free, the moment my mouth landed on hers, and I don’t think I can hold back anymore.
Unfortunately, Bethany comes to her senses, because she pulls away, and places her hands on my chest. “Caleb, wait,” she says breathlessly. Fear rushes through me, as I force myself to let her go and step back. Did I just fuck up royally? I know she felt something, like I did. Her cheeks are flushed, and she’s panting. Jesus, I feel my face flush, as I realize I’m supporting one hell of a boner. Praying she doesn’t notice, I hold her gaze. She shakes her head, as if she needs a moment, before she whispers, “I … I don’t think this is a good idea.”
She looks away, and I know my opportunity is running out, unless I change it. Sucking in a deep breath, I grab her hand, laying it all out. “There is nothin’ in this world that I want more than you, Bet.” Her head snaps back to me, and as those amber eyes stare at me, I hope she knows I’m telling the truth. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve been holdin’ back for a while. Since we met up at the airport, I can’t get you out of my mind. Every single day, for every second of the day, you’re all I see. You’re all I can think about, drea
m about, and fuck, I know you feel the same.” Her eyes search mine for something, but I don’t give her a chance to say anything just yet. Pulling her closer to me, I continue, “I’ve wanted to kiss you, since the moment I met you. These past few weeks with you have made me realize that I have to have you. Yeah, it’s a lot to take in, but I’m askin’. No, I’m tellin’ you that I want a chance to show you how much I want you.” Bethany sucks in a breath, as I pause, and I use this moment to brush her hair back behind her ear. Cupping her cheek once more, I say, “I want you, Bet.”
It kills me that tears start to pool in her eyes, and I resist asking why she seems so sad. But just as fast as she lets her emotions out, she shuts it down to ask, “What about our friendship? I don’t want to lose what we have, Caleb.”
“Who says we’re losin’ anythin’?”
“I don’t know … what if—”
“No,” I cut her off. “No what ifs. No talkin’ yourself out of it.” Dropping her hand, I use both of my hands to cup her face. “If you don’t feel anythin’ for me, then tell me now, and I’ll leave, but our friendship will be the same.” Fuck. That would kill me, but I’ll respect her wishes. “All I’m askin’ is for a chance, Bethany. Just one.”
My heart hammers in my chest, as I wait for her to either deny me or accept me. It feels like a hundred years pass, before she answers. “Okay. I’ll give us a shot on one condition.” Holding my breath, I wait for her to tell me what she wants, knowing I can’t deny her anything already. “We keep doin’ what we’ve been doin’.” With my frown, she adds, “Us doin’ our thing without anyone else involved. Just us, okay?”
