The Killing Ride

by Michelle, Christine

  I couldn’t deal with shit, I went to Toby, because if he were still alive, he’d give me the advice I needed to hear. I told him just how much I had been fucking up since he was gone. I could almost hear him laughing about the shit I had seen and done on the road with the bands and Phoenix. Then I told him about Lindsay and swear to fuck I could hear him telling me, “I could have told you the bitch was crazy from the beginning. No woman agrees to finish out a concert tour with a stranger – unless the stranger is part of the band and she’s hoping to get knocked up and set for life with child support.” Yeah, I should have seen the crazy coming, considering. Toby – at least the version of him talking to me in my head – was right. I knew better.

  “It should be me here, permanently, man. You were always the better person. The better man, better brother, better fucking friend! I should be in the ground, and you should be sitting fat and happy with your old lady and kid. Fuck, I can just see you at the clubhouse barbecues now. I don’t deserve to be here.”

  I glanced down at the tattoo on my arm, the one his sister had put there for me years ago. It finally started to sink in. It took me all this time and going through this bullshit to see those words for what they were. She knew all along that Toby was the better person too. Not because he just inherently was, because T-Bone had been prone to some stupid shit too. It was because I refused to see past myself, my own wants, desires, and bullshit. She had been right. I was shallow as fuck, and honestly didn’t know how Toby had stuck by me all the time that he did considering.

  “He still talks to me too, you know?”

  Hearing her voice was like having her conjured straight out of my own thoughts, or hell my recurring nightmare. Ever sat down beside me in the grass and brushed her hand along the front of Toby’s grave as she did. It was almost as if she were saying her own personal version of hello to him with the gesture.

  “I come here when I’m lost, and I swear I can hear him talking me through things. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true.”

  “I was just thinking there’s a version of him living in my head that answers me when I talk to him here,” I admitted.

  Ever smiled over at me before turning to stare at the cold, headstone again. “Sometimes, I have bad dreams. In them, I’m pushing Toby away and telling him I can’t forgive him. Then, he’s gone, and I want nothing but to take those words back. We worked on forgiveness before he was gone, but we weren’t the same as before. I always worry that he died thinking I didn’t love him anymore.”

  “That’s not true,” I told her. “That man loved you fiercely from the moment you stepped foot into his life. He knew you loved him, even when you were angry.”

  She popped a shoulder in a half shrug. “I guess. That doesn’t change how it feels inside here,” she told me as she touched the area of her chest over her heart.

  “No, it sure as fuck doesn’t.”

  “What brings you out here to see Toby today?”

  I don’t know why I did it, but I told her about the dream. Then I sat and waited for a response. She made me wait on it too. We sat there for long minutes before Ever responded. “I know it’s hard to believe, but I really don’t feel that way, Jay. I let it all go a long time ago, and I wish you would too. It’s only going to keep hurting you until you learn to forgive.”

  “Who do I have to forgive? You guys never did a damn thing to me.”

  “You need to forgive yourself. You’re human. You made a damn mistake. It’s not your fault that the ball just kept rolling down hill and other people added to the mass it became. That’s not on you. It’s on them. Let them carry their own weight and you release yours. I don’t think you’re a curse. You were a blessing to me when I first came to live here. You remained that way for a long time.”

  I side-eyed her, not believing that completely. “Deck told me how stupid and clueless I’d been.”

  “So?” She questioned.

  “So? I didn’t make your life easy. Even before I said those things to you at school, I’d been flaunting my flings in your face, and didn’t even think about how it made you feel.”

  She laughed then. Her voice sounded like musical notes shifting in the slight breeze that pushed her hair around into her face. “J-Bird!” She huffed my name amidst her laughter. “My heart wasn’t yours to cherish or protect. I had a crush. My crush wasn’t your responsibility. I had a lesson to learn, and I learned it well.”

  “What lesson was that?”

  “You can’t always have what you want, and sometimes what you want isn’t necessarily what you really need.”

  “Well, that sounds too grown up for me to comprehend,” I told her, half in jest.

  She smirked my way. “It’s not.” She tipped her head down toward the ink I had exposed on my arm. “You finally figured it out,” she told me. It wasn’t a question. She just knew. That was Ever though. The woman was always more in tune with everyone around her than anyone gave her credit for. I think that was part of the reason she was such a phenomenal artist. She saw more than any of us, because she had years of sitting back, unseen, and watching the people around her.

  “I did.”

  “Good, I’m glad.” We sat, just breathing in the crisp winter air and being at peace with our other favorite person.

  “I miss the days when we were all three together.” The words came softly from my lips. I turned to see her smile even as the wet in her eyes spoke of something else.

  “Me too, Jay. Every single day. That’s why I need you to forgive yourself. He already did.” She told me as she nodded to Toby’s grave.

  I shook my head. “No, he hadn’t forgiven me yet.”

  “He did. He told me. His distance from you toward the end was two-fold. He had a woman in his life that was taking up his time,” she told me with a wink. “He was also angry with himself. He loved you more than almost anyone on this planet. I think Toby didn’t trust himself to be your friend for a while. Not that he didn’t trust you, but he didn’t trust himself. Having to choose between the two of us, and being wrong about it, never left him. He was tormented over that more than you know. He left this world still struggling to let himself off the hook. It was part of what kept us so distant. I know what I’m saying about you and Toby is true, because he was doing the same thing with me.”

  “I think he just felt guilty for dating your coworker,” I teased her to lighten the emotional load we were both feeling.

  She bumped her shoulder into mine and smiled. “That’s probably true too.” She then reached over and smacked his headstone playfully. “You little shit! I can’t believe you kept that a secret so long. I would have loved that you two were together.” The way she spoke with such love in her words, and a playful tone in her voice, it broke something in me. It was as if he was actually sitting there with us for a moment. Fresh hot tears stung my eyes as emotion clogged my throat. I leaned forward with my hands in my face to hide from her, but it was too late. Her arms wrapped around me and Ever hung on tightly. “I know,” she spoke so lightly it was just a whisper against my arm.

  “I miss him so fucking much,” I managed to get out. “I’ve missed you too.”

  “I know, honey. I know.” She kept repeating herself as we sat there on her brother’s grave and she comforted me, rocking us back and forth as I finally let out all the grief I’d been trying to swallow for years. “Let it out,” she cooed to me. “It’s time.”

  “T, man, you were the best part of this world. It’s so fuckin’ empty with you gone,” I managed to get out. “I felt like I already lost you in a way before you were gone, but at least then I had hope. Now, there’s just this empty fucking hole inside of me. It refuses to close, and that’s because there’s not a soul alive that can replace you.” Ever’s hand continued to rub up and down my back as I spoke to her brother. “Don’t worry, Deck’s taking good care of your sister. His best friend is taking good care of your other sister,” I told him in a suggestive tone as I laughed. Ever smacked my shoulde
r.

  “Stop it,” she hissed at me playfully. “Joker is doing right by Anna, even if they did have a bit of a rocky start. Our niece is going to be a heartbreaker one day,” she added. “Can you believe that Anna was the first of us…” Her question died on her lips just as her shoulders started to shake. “That’s not true. You were the first, but…” I watched as her lower lip trembled when she realized the mistake she’d made. T-Bone had been the first of us to have a kid on the way. The baby left the world the same day he did though.

  “I know you’re taking care of your son or daughter up there, waiting until your family can meet your kid,” I said out loud, but mostly for Ever’s benefit. “You would have been an amazing father here in our world, but I bet you’re even better wherever you are right now.” That did it. Ever started bawling and simply collapsed in my arms. Where she had been holding me up moments ago, it was now on me to return the favor and I did.

  “We love you man,” I continued on as I held her to me. “Miss you every fucking day.” I kissed the top of Ever’s head and then let him know that even while his job on Earth was done, I had his back. “Deck’s got her, but I promise, I’ve got your sister’s back too. My head has been removed from my ass, and I can see clearly now.”

  That made Ever chuckle and pull back from me. She swiped away the tears that had trailed down her cheeks with the sleeve of her hoodie. “He’s in love with a stranger, Toby, you should see it.”

  “What? No!” I couldn’t believe she told him that.

  “Yep. He’s beyond infatuated. Jason and Christina sitting in a tree… K-I-S-S-I-NG,” she started to sing-song before the giggling impeded her efforts.

  “Brat!” I hissed at her and swatted her ass as she doubled over laughing.

  “Hey now!” I heard from somewhere behind me. I turned to see Deck standing there, his back leaned up against a tree, and a serine smile on his face. I wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing there, but my guess, it was probably the whole fucking time. “If you two are about done, we have to head on over to your parents’ place, Ev.”

  “Oh, shoot,” she huffed out as she stood from where we’d been sitting in the grass. “I almost forgot.” Her hand reached out to tap on T-Bone’s headstone. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell everyone you said hi,” she told him before turning back to me. “Jay, you want to come to dinner?”

  “Nah, I have some shit to go take care of,” I explained. Okay, it was a lie. I had nothing, but I wasn’t sure I was up for a family dinner at my best friend’s house considering he’d never be able to do it again himself.

  “Jay needs to be in Savannah tonight,” Deck mentioned. Ever turned her head in my direction and smiled brightly before giving me a wink and a thumbs up.

  “She hasn’t been there, man.” It seemed my brother was due a reminder.

  “I have it on good authority that she will.”

  “Shit!” I was reminded of what I’d found while cleaning Lindsay’s stuff out of the apartment. “Should I give her Lindsay’s journals?”

  Deck narrowed his eyes on me. “Why would you do something like that?”

  “Not only did Lindsay know I was the same man who she had been telling her best friend was her soulmate for years, but she continued seeing me, and trying to trap me with a fake baby to get back at Christina.”

  “Get back at her for what?” Ever asked.

  I shook my head. “Nothing. Christina did nothing to deserve that expect marry her high school sweetheart and then introduce him to her friend Lindsay.”

  “Oh no,” Ever managed to get out.

  “Yeah, the journals go back to the beginning of their affair, they chronicle the whole thing, including her actual pregnancy. The reason Christina’s husband killed himself.” I pointed to the grave where I had seen her before. He knocked up Lindsay during their affair, couldn’t live with the secrets, and took his own life. Lindsay talked about all of it in the journals. She talked about how she got rid of the baby since the dad wouldn’t be around, and because she didn’t want Christina to find out since the guy was dead anyway.”

  “Jesus, fuck!” I couldn’t argue with Deck’s assessment. “Do you think she really wants to read all of that?”

  I ignored my brother and turned to Ever. “Would you want to know?”

  “I did find out about my brother’s girlfriend and their baby after they were gone. I wouldn’t want to have been kept in the dark, but if she doesn’t know why he did it, then…”

  “She knows why he killed himself. The bastard told her in a letter that he’d been having an affair and there was a baby on the way. He only failed to name the woman. He told her so she’d do the right thing and share insurance money with the kid.”

  “What the fuck?” Deck asked. I shrugged, because I agreed.

  “She should know then,” Ever told me. “If I were her, I’d want to know. Don’t leave her hanging with regrets for a person who doesn’t deserve it. I know about regrets.” She nodded toward Toby’s headstone. “We missed out on so much because I couldn’t get over the fact that he chose you and the brothers over me. He was supposed to be my protector for life. He promised me when we met.”

  “He was ten-years-old then, Ever.”

  “I know, but that didn’t matter. It was always Toby there before Mamma Luce came around to liking me. It was him by my side when our dad would take Anna places and show her off, but never me. It was Toby who told me he’d give me rides on his motorcycle once he was old enough because no one else would. He was always my knight in shining armor. Then he chose everyone else too, and I was all alone. I had Mamma Luce, but I didn’t even trust that fully. If Toby could turn on me, so could she. She had more reason than anyone to turn me out. You know? So, I never got over it. I never forgave him the way I should have. I know he was young. I know he realized he made a mistake, and I even know he tried to correct it. I lost faith in him though, and by the time I let it all go, and wanted to put it behind us and get my brother back, he was gone.

  “I wasted so much precious fucking time drowning in all the hurt I couldn’t see past. That’s why it’s important for you to give those journals to Christina. She needs to know. There’s no need for her to drown in her guilt and regrets. You can take that from her.”

  “Still, we can’t ever be together,” I mentioned, and it was the first time I really admitted, to Ever, out loud how captivated I was with the woman I barely knew. I still didn’t understand it.

  “Why not?”

  “I was dating her best friend. I’m the reason she’s dead. She’ll never want to be with me.”

  “Her best friend was no friend at all, and you didn’t kill that girl. A deer on a dark road during a storm did. What if you hurt her more by denying yourselves? You said yourself she spent two years painting you. That has to mean something, Jay.”

  Maybe it did, but I couldn’t get ahead of myself, or Ever’s rational. “I need to get going if I’m going to make it down there before dark tonight,” I told them.

  “Find a place to stay there tonight, no matter what happens, and let us know you’re okay,” my brother ordered. I gave him a sarcastic salute, but he knew I’d listen. There was no way I’d worry anyone after what my accident put them through recently.

  Chapter 20

  At My Door

  Christina

  Going home sucked and I wished I had the resources to move again, but I didn’t. Well, I did, but practically speaking, I couldn’t move again without a job waiting on me somewhere. I needed to stay busy and keep money coming in, no matter what. I was the only person I had to rely on.

  It was difficult to walk through the door of my apartment again knowing that the last time I saw Lindsay had been just before she died, and that she had been running from me because she couldn’t look at me. I couldn’t take back the fact that I’d seen and been obsessed with Jay enough over the years that I painted him over and over. I supposed I could have gotten rid of them after she had brought him to my hous
e the first time, but they were a part of me. I couldn’t bring myself to throw them out. I had tried before, but it was like trying to throw a piece of my soul away. I know it sounds weird for someone to say that about a stranger, but the truth was, it wasn’t so much him that I was painting. It was the pain in his eyes that matched my own. Throwing those paintings out would have been equal to me trashing my own inner turmoil, and I simply hadn’t been ready.

  I took a deep breath, tried to shove all that stuff aside, and then I opened the door to find the same paintings strewn across my living room, right where Lindsay had left them. I had been too distraught to do anything with them after I found out she was gone, and then by the time the funeral came around, I had barely been functional, blaming myself for her demise because I had wished her out of Jay’s life so that I could have him. It had been a selfish thought that I never, in a million years, would have acted on and yet that wish had been granted anyway.

  The first thing I did was to tuck all of the paintings away, back into the guest room where they belonged, out of sight, out of mind. At least, that was the hope. It had never worked to keep them out of mind before, but I could only hope that my heart had learned its lesson by now. Just as I got the last one settled in the room, there was a knock on my door. The moment I opened it; I was shocked to see Jay standing there with a canvas bag slung over his shoulder. I was so stunned that I said nothing while I stared at the man.

  “Can I come in?” He asked with a shy smirk kicking up one corner of his mouth, the mustache that rode above it twitched with the movement. He had his head angled down, while looking at me through the too-long piece of his dark hair that escaped whatever hold his product had that once kept it slicked back. His beard had grown out even longer than when I’d last seen him, or maybe it was just unruly from the wind in his face on his ride here. I didn’t know. What I did know, was that combination made him dangerous to look at as my eyes continued to consume him. Just reminding myself that what he had to offer was dangerous to my mental state had me closing the door a bit as I gave my answer.