by Daniel Defoe
I shall have Leisure too, Sir, said I, to tell you all my Adventures since that; which have not been a few, I assure you.
In short, he took up his Lodgings in the same House where I lodg’d, and the Room he lay in, open’d as he was wishing it wou’d, just opposite to my Lodging-Room; so we cou’d almost call out of Bed to one another, and I was not at-all shy of him on that Score, for I believ’d him perfectly honest, and so indeed, he was; and if he had not, that Article was at present, no Part of my Concern.
It was not till two or three Days, and after his first Hurries of Business were over, that we began to enter into the History of our Affairs on every side, but when we began, it took up all our Conversation, for almost a Fortnight: First, I gave him a particular Account of every thing that happen’d material upon my Voyage; and how we were driven into Harwich by a very terrible Storm; how I had left my Woman behind me, so frighted with the Danger she had been in, that she dorst not venture to set her Foot into a Ship again, any more; and that I had not come myself, if the Bills I had of him, had not been payable in Holland; but that Money, he might see, wou’d make a Woman go any-where.
He seem’d to laugh at all our womanish Fears upon the Occasion of the Storm; telling me, it was nothing but what was very ordinary in those Seas; but that they had Harbours on every Coast, so near, that they were seldom in Danger of being lost indeed; for, says he, if they cannot fetch one Coast, they can always stand away for another, and run afore it, as he call’d it, for one side or other: But when I came to tell him what a crazy Ship it was, and how, even when they got into Harwich, and into smooth Water, they were fain to run the Ship on Shore, or she wou’d have sunk in the very Harbour; and when I told him, that when I look’d out at the Cabin-Door, I saw the Dutchmen, one upon his Knees here, and another there, at their Prayers, then indeed, he acknowledg’d I had reason to be alarm’d; but smiling, he added, But you, Madam, says he, are so good a Lady, and so pious, you wou’d but have gone to Heaven a little the sooner, the Difference had not been much to you.
I confess, when he said this, it made all the Blood burn in my Veins, and I thought I shou’d have fainted; poor Gentleman! thought I, you know little of me; what wou’d I give to be really what you really think me to be! He perceiv’d the Disorder, but said nothing till I spoke; when shaking my Head, O Sir! said I, Death in any Shape has some Terror in it; but in the frightful Figure147 of a Storm at Sea, and a sinking Ship, it comes with a double, a trebble, and indeed, an inexpressible Horrour; and if I were that Saint you think me to be, which, God knows, I am not, ’tis still very dismal; I desire to die in a Calm, if I can: He said a great many good things, and very prettily order’d his Discourse, between serious Reflection and Compliment; but I had too much Guilt to relish it as it was meant, so I turn’d it off to something else, and talk’d of the Necessity I had on me to come to Holland; but I wish’d myself safe on Shore in England again.
He told me, he was glad I had such an Obligation upon me to come over into Holland, however; but hinted, that he was so interested in my Wellfare, and besides, had such farther Designs upon me, that if I had not so happily been found in Holland, he was resolv’d to have gone to England to see me; and that it was one of the principal Reasons of his leaving Paris.
I told him, I was extremely oblig’d to him for so far interesting himself in my Affairs; but that I had been so far his Debtor before, that I knew not how any thing could encrease the Debt; for I ow’d my Life to him already, and I could not be in Debt for any-thing more valuable than that.
He answer’d in the most obliging Manner possible, that he wou’d put it in my Power to pay that Debt, and all the Obligations besides, that ever he had, or should be able to lay upon me.
I began to understand him now, and to see plainly, that he resolv’d to make Love to me; but I would by no means seem to take the Hint, and besides I knew that he had a Wife with him in Paris; and I had, just then, at least, no Gust148 to any more intriguing; however, he surpriz’d me into a sudden Notice of the thing a little-while after, by saying something in his Discourse, that he did as he said, in his Wife’s Days; I started at that Word; What mean you by that? Sir, said I; Have you not a Wife at Paris? No, Madam, indeed, said he, my Wife died the beginning of September last; which, it seems, was but a little after I came away.
We liv’d in the same House all this while; and as we lodg’d not far off of one-another, Opportunities were not wanting of as near an Acquaintance as we might desire; nor have such Opportunities the least Agency in vicious Minds, to bring to pass even what they might not intend at first.
However, tho’ he courted so much at a distance, yet his Pretensions149 were very honourable; and as I had before found him a most disinterested Friend, and perfectly honest in his Dealings, even when I trusted him with all I had; so now I found him strictly virtuous, till I made him otherwise myself, even almost, whether he wou’d or no; as you shall hear.
It was not long after our former Discourse, when he repeated what he had insinuated before, namely, that he had yet a Design to lay before me, which, if I wou’d agree to his Proposals, wou’d more than ballance all Accounts between us: I told him, I cou’d not reasonably deny him any-thing; and except one thing, which I hop’d and believ’d he wou’d not think of, I should think myself very ungrateful if I did not do every thing for him that lay in my Power.
He told me, what he should desire of me, wou’d be fully in my Power to grant, or else he shou’d be very unfriendly to offer it, and still, all this while, he declin’d making the Proposal, as he call’d it, and so, for that time, we ended our Discourse, turning it off to other things; so that, in short, I began to think he might have met with some Disaster in his Business, and might have come away from Paris in some Discredit; or had had some Blow on his Affairs in general; and as really I had Kindness enough to have parted with a good Sum to have help’d him, and was in Gratitude, bound to have done so, he having so effectually sav’d to me all I had; so I resolv’d to make him the Offer, the first time I had an Opportunity, which, two or three Days after, offer’d itself, very much to my Satisfaction.
He had told me at large, tho’ on several Occasions, the Treatment he had met with from the Jew, and what Ex-pence he had put him to; how at length he had cast150 him, as above, and had recover’d good Damage of him, but that the Rogue was unable to make him any considerable Reparation; he had told me also, how the Prince d’;—’s Gentleman had resented his Treatment of his Master; and how he had caus’d him to be us’d upon the Pont Neuf, &c. as I have mention’d above; which I laugh’d at most heartily.
It is pity, said I, that I should sit here, and make that Gentleman no Amends; if you wou’d direct me, Sir, said I, how to do it, I wou’d make him a handsome Present, and acknowledge the Justice he had done to me, as well as to the Prince, his Master: He said he wou’d do what I directed in it; so I told him, I would send him 500 Crowns; that’s too much, said he, for you are but half interested in the Usage of the Jew; it was on his Master’s Account he corrected him, not on yours: Well, however, we were oblig’d to do nothing in it, for neither of us knew how to direct a Letter to him, or to direct any-body to him; so I told him, I wou’d leave it till I came to England, for that my Woman, Amy, corresponded with him, and that he had made Love to her.
Well, but Sir, said I, as in requital for his generous Concern for me, I am careful to think of him; it is but just, that what Expence you have been oblig’d to be at, which was all on my Account, shou’d be repaid you; and therefore, said I, let me see – and there I paus’d, and began to reckon up what I had observ’d from his own Discourse, it had cost him in the several Disputes, and Hearings, which he had with that Dog of a Jew, and I cast them up at something above 2130 Crowns; so I pull’d out some Bills which I had upon a Merchant in Amsterdam, and a particular Account in Bank, and was looking on them, in order to give them to him.
When he seeing evidently what I was going about, interrupted me with some Warmth, and told me, he
wou’d have nothing of me on that Account, and desir’d I wou’d not pull out my Bills and Papers on that Score; that he had not told me the Story on that Account, or with any such View; that it had been his Misfortune first to bring that ugly Rogue to me, which, tho’ it was with a good Design, yet he wou’d punish himself with the Expence he had been at, for his being so unlucky to me; that I cou’d not think so hard of him, as to suppose he wou’d take Money of me, a Widow, for serving me, and doing Acts of Kindness to me in a strange Country, and in Distress too; but, he said, he wou’d repeat what he had said before, that he kept me for a deeper Reckoning, and that, as he had told me, he would put me into a Posture to Even151 all that Favour, as I call’d it, at once, so we shou’d talk it over another time, and ballance all together.
Now I expected it wou’d come out, but still he put it off, as before, from whence I concluded, it cou’d not be Matter of Love, for that those things are not usually delay’d in such a manner, and therefore it must be Matter of Money; upon which Thought, I broke the Silence, and told him, that as he knew I had, by Obligation, more Kindness for him, than to deny any Favour to him that I could grant, and that he seem’d backward to mention his Case; I begg’d Leave of him to give me Leave to ask him, whether any-thing lay upon his Mind, with respect to his Business and Effects in the World? that if it did, he knew what I had in the World, as well as I did; and that if he wanted Money, I wou’d let him have any Sum for his Occasion, as far as five or six Thousand Pistoles, and he shou’d pay me as his own Affairs wou’d permit; and that, if he never paid me, I wou’d assure him, that I wou’d never give him any Trouble for it.
He rise up with Ceremony, and gave me Thanks, in Terms that sufficiently told me, he had been bred among People more polite, and more courteous, than is esteem’d the ordinary Usage of the Dutch;152 and after his Compliment was over, he came nearer to me, and told me, that he was oblig’d to assure me, tho’ with repeated Acknowledgements of my kind Offer, that he was not in any want of Money; that he had met with no Uneasiness in any of his Affairs, no not of any Kind whatever, except that of the Loss of his Wife, and one of his Children, which indeed, had troubled him much; but that this was no Part of what he had to offer to me, and by granting which, I shou’d ballance all Obligations; but that, in short, it was that seeing Providence had (as it were for that Purpose) taken his Wife from him, I wou’d make up the Loss to him; and with that, he held me fast in his Arms, and kissing me, wou’d not give me Leave to say No, and hardly to Breathe.
At length, having got room to speak, I told him, that, as I had said before, I could deny him but one thing in the World; I was very sorry he shou’d propose that thing only that I cou’d not grant.
I could not but smile however, to myself, that he shou’d make so many Circles, and round-about Motions, to come at a Discourse which had no such rarity at the Bottom of it, if he had known all: But there was another Reason why I resolv’d not to have him, when, at the same time, if he had courted me in a Manner less honest or virtuous, I believe I shou’d not have denied him; but I shall come to that Part presently.
He was, as I have said, long a-bringing it out, but when he had brought it out, he pursued it with such Importunities, as would admit of no Denial, at least he intended they shou’d not; but I resisted them obstinately, and yet with Expressions of the utmost Kindness and Respect for him that cou’d be imagin’d; often telling him, there was nothing else in the World that I cou’d deny him, and shewing him all the Respect, and upon all Occasions treating him with Intimacy and Freedom, as if he had been my Brother.
He tried all the Ways imaginable to bring his Design to pass, but I was inflexible; at last, he thought of a Way, which, he flatter’d himself, wou’d not fail; nor would he have been mistaken perhaps, in any other Woman in the World, but me; this was, to try if he cou’d take me at an Advantage, and get to-Bed to me, and then, as was most rational to think, I should willingly enough marry him afterwards.
We were so intimate together, that nothing but Man and Wife could, or at least ought to be, more; but still our Freedoms kept within the Bounds of Modesty and Decency; But one Evening, above all the rest, we were very merry, and I fancy’d he push’d the Mirth to watch for his Advantage; and I resolv’d that I wou’d, at least, feign to be as merry as he; and that, in short, if he offer’d any-thing, he shou’d have his Will easily enough.
About One a-Clock in the Morning, for so long we sat up together, I said, Come, ’tis One a-Clock, I must go to-Bed; Well, says he, I’ll go with you; No, No, says I, go to your own Chamber; he said he wou’d go to-Bed with me: Nay, says I, if you will, I don’t know what to say; if I can’t help it, you must: However, I got from him, left him, and went into my Chamber, but did not shut the Door; and as he cou’d easily see that I was undressing myself, he steps to his own Room, which was but on the same Floor, and in a few Minutes undresses himself also, and returns to my Door in his Gown and Slippers.
I thought he had been gone indeed, and so that he had been in jest; and by the way, thought either he had no-mind to the thing, or that he never intended it; so I shut my Door, that is, latch’d it, for I seldom lock’d or bolted it, and went to-Bed; I had not been in-Bed a Minute, but he comes in his Gown, to the Door, and opens it a little-way, but not enough to come in, or look in, and says softly, What are you really gone to-Bed? Yes, yes, says I, get you gone: No indeed, says he, I shall not begone, you gave me Leave before, to come to-Bed, and you shan’t say get you gone now: So he comes into my Room, and then turns about, and fastens the Door, and immediately comes to the Bedside to me: I pretended to scold and struggle, and bid him begone, with more Warmth than before; but it was all one; he had not a Rag of Cloaths on, but his Gown and Slippers, and Shirt; so he throws off his Gown, and throws open the Bed, and came in at once.
I made a seeming Resistance, but it was no more indeed; for, as above, I resolv’d from the Beginning, he shou’d Lye with me if he wou’d, and for the rest, I left it to come after.
Well, he lay with me that Night, and the two next, and very merry we were all the three Days between; but the third Night he began to be a little more grave: Now, my Dear, says he, tho’ I have push’d this Matter farther than ever I intended; or than, I believe, you expected from me, who never made any Pretences to you but what were very honest; yet to heal it all up, and let you see how sincerely I meant at first, and how honest I will ever be to you, I am ready to marry you still, and desire you to let it be done to-Morrow Morning; and I will give you the same fair Conditions of Marriage as I wou’d have done before.
This, it must be own’d, was a Testimony that he was very honest, and that he lov’d me sincerely; but I construed it quite another Way, namely, that he aim’d at the Money: But how surpriz’d did he look! and how was he confounded, when he found me receive his Proposal with Coldness and Indifference! and still tell him, that it was the only thing I cou’d not grant!
He was astonish’d! What, not take me now! says he, when I have been a-Bed with you! I answer’d coldly, tho’ respectfully still, It is true, to my Shame be it spoken, says I, that you have taken me by Surprize, and have had your Will of me; but I hope you will not take it ill that I cannot consent to Marry, for-all that; if I am with-Child, said I, Care must be taken to manage that as you shall direct; I hope you won’t expose me, for my having expos’d myself to you, but I cannot go any farther; and at that Point I stood, and wou’d hear of no Matrimony, by any means.
Now because this may seem a little odd, I shall state the Matter clearly, as I understood it myself; I knew that while I was a Mistress, it is customary for the Person kept, to receive from them that keep; but if I shou’d be a Wife, all I had then, was given up to the Husband, and I was thenceforth to be under his Authority only; and as I had Money enough, and needed not fear being what they call a cast-off Mistress, so I had no need to give him twenty Thousand Pound to marry me, which had been buying my Lodging too dear a great deal.
Thus his Project of coming to-Bed t
o me, was a Bite153 upon himself, while he intended it for a Bite upon me; and he was no nearer his Aim of marrying me, than he was before; all his Arguments he could urge upon the Subject of Matrimony, were at an End, for I positively declin’d marrying him; and as he had refus’d the thousand Pistoles which I had offer’d him in Compensation for his Expenses and Loss, at Paris, with the Jew, and had done it upon the Hopes he had of marrying me; so when he found his Way difficult still, he was amaz’d, and, I had some Reason to believe, repented that he had refus’d the Money.
But thus it is when Men run into wicked Measures, to bring their Designs about; I that was infinitely oblig’d to him before, began to talk to him, as if I had ballanc’d Accounts with him now; and that the Favour of Lying with a Whore, was equal, not to the thousand Pistoles only, but to all the Debt I ow’d him, for saving my Life, and all my Effects.
But he drew himself into it, and tho’ it was a dear Bargain, yet it was a Bargain of his own making; he cou’d not say I had trick’d him into it; but as he projected and drew me in to lye with him, depending that it was a sure Game in order to154 a Marriage, so I granted him the Favour, as he call’d it, to ballance the Account of Favours receiv’d from him, and keep the thousand Pistoles with a good Grace.
He was extremely disappointed in this Article, and knew not how to manage for a great-while; and as I dare say, if he had not expected to have made it an Earnest for marrying me, he would never have attempted me the other way; so, I believ’d, if it had not been for the Money, which he knew I had, he wou’d never have desir’d to marry me after he had lain with me: For, where is the Man that cares to marry a Whore, tho’ of his own making? And as I knew him to be no Fool, so I did him no Wrong, when I suppos’d that, but for the Money, he wou’d not have had any Thoughts of me that Way; especially after my yielding as I had done; in which it is to be remember’d, that I made no Capitulation for marrying him, when I yielded to him, but let him do just what he pleas’d, without any previous Bargain.
