by Daniel Defoe
Well, hitherto we went upon Guesses at one-another’s Designs; but as he continued to importune me to marry, tho’ he had lain with me, and still did lye with me as often as he pleas’d, and I continued to refuse to marry him, tho’ I let him lye with me whenever he desir’d it; I say, as these two Circumstances made up our Conversation,155 it cou’d not continue long thus, but we must come to an Explanation.
One Morning, in the middle of our unlawful Freedoms, that is to say, when we were in Bed together; he sigh’d, and told me, he desir’d my Leave to ask me one Question, and that I wou’d give him an Answer to it with the same ingenuous Freedom and Honesty, that I had us’d to treat him with; I told him I wou’d: Why then his Question was, why I wou’d not marry him, seeing I allow’d him all the Freedom of a Husband? Or, says he, my Dear, since you have been so kind as to take me to your Bed, why will you not make me your Own, and take me for good-and-all, that we may enjoy ourselves, without any Reproach to one-another?
I told him, that as I confess’d it was the only thing I cou’d not comply with him in, so it was the only thing in all my Actions, that I could not give him a Reason for; that it was true, I had let him come to-Bed to me, which was suppos’d to be the greatest Favour a Woman could grant; but it was evident, and he might see it, that as I was sensible of the Obligation I was under to him, for saving me from the worst Circumstance it was possible for me to be brought to, I could deny him nothing; and if I had had any greater Favour to yield him, I should have done it, that of Matrimony only excepted, and he cou’d not but see that I lov’d him to an extraordinary Degree, in every Part of my Behaviour to him; but that as to marrying, which was giving up my Liberty, it was what once he knew I had done, and he had seen how it had hurried me up and down in the World, and what it had expos’d me to; that I had an Aversion to it, and desir’d he wou’d not insist upon it; he might easily see I had no Aversion to him; and that if I was with-Child by him, he shou’d see a Testimony of my Kindness to the Father, for that I wou’d settle all I had in the World upon the Child.
He was mute a good-while; at last, says he, Come, my Dear, you are the first Woman in the World that ever lay with a Man, and then refus’d to marry him, and therefore there must be some other Reason for your Refusal; and I have therefore, one other Request, and that is, If I guess at the true Reason, and remove the Objection, will you then yield to me? I told him, if he remov’d the Objection, I must needs comply, for I shou’d certainly do every-thing that I had no Objection against.
Why then, my Dear, it must be, that either you are already engag’d, and marry’d to some other Man, or you are not willing to dispose of your Money to me, and expect to advance yourself higher with your Fortune; now, if it be the first of these, my Mouth will be stopp’d, and I have no more to say; but if it be the last, I am prepar’d effectually to remove the Objection, and answer all you can say on that Subject.
I took him up short at the first of these; telling him, He must have base Thoughts of me indeed, to think that I could yield to him in such a Manner as I had done, and continue it with so much Freedom, as he found I did, if I had a Husband, or were engag’d to any other Man; and that he might depend upon it, that was not my Case, nor any Part of my Case.
Why then, said he, as to the other, I have an Offer to make to you, that shall take off all the Objection, viz. That I will not touch one Pistole of your Estate, more, than shall be with your own voluntary Consent; neither now, or at any other time, but you shall settle it as you please, for your Life, and upon who you please after your Death; that I shou’d see he was able to maintain me without it; and that it was not for that, that he follow’d me from Paris.
I was indeed, surpriz’d at that Part of his Offer, and he might easily perceive it; it was not only what I did not expect, but it was what I knew not what Answer to make to: He had indeed, remov’d my principal Objection, nay, all my Objections, and it was not possible for me to give any Answer; for if upon so generous an Offer I shou’d agree with him, I then did as good as confess, that it was upon the Account of my Money that I refus’d him; and that tho’ I cou’d give up my Virtue, and expose myself, yet I wou’d not give up my Money, which, tho’ it was true, yet was really too gross for me to acknowledge, and I cou’d not pretend to marry him upon that Principle neither; then as to having him, and make over all my Estate out of his Hands, so as not to give him the Management of what I had, I thought it would be not only a little Gothick and Inhumane, but would be always a Foundation of Unkindness between us, and render us suspected one to another; so that, upon the whole, I was oblig’d to give a new Turn to it, and talk upon a kind of an elevated Strain, which really was not in my Thoughts at first, at-all; for I own, as above, the divesting myself of my Estate, and putting my Money out of my Hand, was the Sum of the Matter, that made me refuse to marry; but, I say, I gave it a new Turn, upon this Occasion, as follows:
I told him, I had, perhaps, differing Notions of Matrimony, from what the receiv’d Custom had given us of it; that I thought a Woman was a free Agent, as well as a Man, and was born free, and cou’d she manage herself suitably, might enjoy that Liberty to as much Purpose as the Men do; that the Laws of Matrimony were indeed, otherwise, and Mankind at this time, acted quite upon other Principles; and those such, that a Woman gave herself entirely away from herself, in Marriage, and capitulated only to be, at best, but an Upper-Servant, and from the time she took the Man, she was no better or worse than the Servant among the Israelities,156 who had his Ears bor’d, that is, nail’d to the Door-Post; who by that Act, give himself up to be a Servant during Life.
That the very Nature of the Marriage-Contract was, in short, nothing but giving up Liberty, Estate, Authority, and every-thing, to the Man, and the Woman was indeed, a meer Woman ever after, that is to say, a Slave.
He reply’d, that tho’ in some Respects it was as I had said, yet I ought to consider, that as an Equivalent to this, the Man had all the Care of things devolv’d upon him; that the Weight of Business lay upon his Shoulders, and as he had the Trust, so he had the Toil of Life upon him, his was the Labour, his the Anxiety of Living; that the Woman had nothing to do, but to eat the Fat, and drink the Sweet; to sit still, and look round her; be waited on, and made much of; be serv’d, and lov’d, and made easie; especially if the Husband acted as became him; and that, in general, the Labour of the Man was appointed to make the Woman live quiet and unconcern’d in the World; that they had the Name of Subjection, without the Thing; and if in inferiour Families, they had the Drudgery of the House, and Care of the Provisions upon them; yet they had indeed, much the easier Part; for in general, the Women had only the Care of managing, that is, spending what their Husbands get; and that a Woman had the Name of Subjection indeed, but that they generally commanded not the Men only, but all they had; manag’d all for themselves, and where the Man did his Duty, the Woman’s Life was all Ease and Tranquility; and that she had nothing to do but to be easie, and to make all that were about her both easie and merry.
I return’d, that while a Woman was single, she was a Masculine in her politick Capacity;157 that she had then the full Command of what she had, and the full Direction of what she did; that she was a Man in her separated Capacity,158 to all Intents and Purposes that a Man cou’d be so to himself; that she was controul’d by none, because accountable to none, and was in Subjection to none; so I sung these two Lines of Mr.—’s.
O! ’tis pleasant to be free,
The sweetest MISS is Liberty.159
I added, that whoever the Woman was, that had an Estate, and would give it up to be the Slave of a Great Man, that Woman was a Fool, and must be fit for nothing but a Beggar; that it was my Opinion, a Woman was as fit to govern and enjoy her own Estate, without a Man, as a Man was, without a Woman; and that, if she had a-mind to gratifie herself as to Sexes, she might entertain a Man, as a Man does a Mistress; that while she was thus single, she was her own, and if she gave away that Power, she merited to be as miserable as it was pos
sible that any Creature cou’d be.
All he cou’d say, cou’d not answer the Force of this, as to Argument; only this, that the other Way was the ordinary Method that the World was guided by; that he had Reason to expect I shou’d be content with that which all the World was contented with; that he was of the Opinion, that a sincere Affection160 between a Man and his Wife, answer’d all the Objections that I had made about the being a Slave, a Servant, and the like; and where there was a mutual Love, there cou’d be no Bondage; but that there was but one Interest; one Aim; one Design; and all conspir’d to make both very happy.
Ay, said I, that is the Thing I complain of; the Pretence of Affection, takes from a Woman every thing that can be call’d herself; she is to have no Interest; no Aim; no View; but all is the Interest, Aim, and View, of the Husband; she is to be the passive Creature you spoke of, said I; she is to lead a Life of perfect Indolence, and living by Faith (not in God, but) in her Husband, she sinks or swims, as he is either Fool or wise Man; unhappy or prosperous; and in the middle of what she thinks is her Happiness and Prosperity, she is ingulph’d in Misery and Beggary, which she had not the least Notice, Knowledge, or Suspicion of: How often have I seen a Woman living in all the Splendor that a plentiful Fortune ought to allow her? with her Coaches and Equipages; her Family, and rich Furniture; her Attendants and Friends; her Visiters, and good Company, all about her to-Day; to-Morrow surpriz’d with a Disaster; turn’d out of all by a Commission of Bankrupt; stripp’d to the Cloaths on her Back; her Jointure, suppose she had it, is sacrific’d to the Creditors, so long as her Husband liv’d, and she turn’d into the Street, and left to live on the Charity of her Friends, if she has any, or follow the Monarch, her Husband, into the Mint,161 and live there on the Wreck of his Fortunes, till he is forc’d to run away from her, even there; and then she sees her Children starve; herself miserable; breaks her Heart; and cries herself to Death? This, says I, is the State of many a Lady that has had ten Thousand Pound to her Portion.
He did not know how feelingly I spoke this, and what Extremities I had gone thro’ of this Kind; how near I was to the very last Article above, viz. crying myself to Death; and how I really starv’d for almost two Years together.
But he shook his Head, and said, Where had I liv’d? and what dreadful Families had I liv’d among, that had frighted me into such terrible Apprehensions of things? that these things indeed, might happen where Men run into hazardous things in Trade, and without Prudence, or due Consideration, launch’d their Fortunes in a Degree beyond their Strength, grasping at Adventures beyond their Stocks, and the like; but that, as he was stated in the World, if I wou’d embark with him, he had a Fortune equal with mine; that together, we should have no Occasion of engaging in Business any more; but that in any Part of the World where I had a-mind to live, whether England, France, Holland, or where I would, we might settle, and live, as happily as the World could make any one live; that if I desir’d the Management of our Estate, when put together, if I wou’d not trust him with mine, he would trust me with his; that we wou’d be upon one Bottom, and I shou’d steer: Ay, says I, you’ll allow me to steer, that is, hold the Helm, but you’ll conn162 the Ship, as they call it; that is, as at Sea, a Boy serves to stand at the Helm, but he that gives him the Orders, is Pilot.
He laugh’d at my Simile; No, says he, you shall be Pilot then, you shall conn the Ship; ay, says I, as long as you please, but you can take the Helm out of my Hand when you please, and bid me go spin: It is not you, says I, that I suspect, but the Laws of Matrimony puts the Power into your Hands; bids you do it, commands you to command; and binds me, forsooth, to obey; you, that are now upon even Terms with me, and I with you, says I, are the next Hour set up upon the Throne, and the humble Wife plac’d at your Footstool; all the rest, all that you call Oneness of Interest, Mutual Affection, and the like, is Curtesie and Kindness then, and a Woman is indeed, infinitely oblig’d where she meets with it; but can’t help herself where it fails.
Well, he did not give it over yet, but came to the serious Part, and there he thought he should be too many for me; he first hinted, that Marriage was decreed by Heaven; that it was the fix’d State of Life, which God had appointed for Man’s Felicity, and for establishing a legal Posterity; that there cou’d be no legal Claim of Estates by Inheritance, but by Children born in Wedlock; that all the rest was sunk under Scandal and Illegitimacy; and very well he talk’s upon that Subject, indeed.
But it wou’d not do; I took him short there; Look you, Sir, said I, you have an Advantage of me there indeed, in my particular Case; but it wou’d not be generous to make use of it; I readily grant, that it were better for me to have marry’d you, than to admit you to the Liberty I have given you; but as I cou’d not reconcile my Judgment to Marriage, for the Reasons above, and had Kindness enough for you, and Obligation too much on me, to resist you, I suffer’d your Rudeness, and gave up my Virtue; but I have two things before me to heal up that Breach of Honour, without that desperate one of Marriage; and those are, Repentance for what is past, and putting an End to it for Time to come.
He seem’d to be concern’d, to think that I shou’d take him in that Manner; he assur’d me that I mis-understood him; that he had more Manners, as well as more Kindness for me; and more Justice, than to reproach me with what he had been the Agressor in, and had surpriz’d me into; That what he spoke, refer’d to my Words above; that the Woman, if she thought fit, might entertain a Man, as the Man did a Mistress; and that I seem’d to mention that way of Living as justifiable, and setting it as a lawful thing, and in the Place of Matrimony.
Well, we strain’d some Compliments upon those Points, not worth repeating; and I added, I suppos’d when he got to-Bed to me, he thought himself sure of me; and indeed, in the ordinary Course of things, after he had lain with me, he ought to think so; but that, upon the same foot of Argument which I had discours’d with him upon, it was just the contrary; and when a Woman had been weak enough to yield up the last Point before Wedlock, it wou’d be adding one Weakness to another, to take the Man afterwards; to pin down the Shame of it upon herself all Days of her Life, and bind herself to live all her Time with the only Man that cou’d upbraid her with it; that in yielding at first, she must be a Fool, but to take the Man, is to be sure to be call’d Fool; that to resist a Man, is to act with Courage and Vigour, and to cast off the Reproach, which, in the Course of things, drops out of Knowledge, and dies; the Man goes one-way, and the Woman another, as Fate, and the Circumstances of Living direct; and if they keep one-another’s Council, the Folly is heard no more of; but to take the Man, says I, is the most preposterous thing in Nature, and (saving your Presence) is to befoul one’s-self, and live always in the Smell of it; No, no, added I, after a Man has lain with me as a Mistress, he ought never to lye with me as a Wife; that’s not only preserving the Crime in Memory, but it is recording it in the Family; if the Woman marries the Man afterwards, she bears the Reproach of it to the last Hour; if her Husband is not a Man of a hundred Thousand, he sometime or other upbraids her with it; if he has Children, they fail not one way or other, to hear of it; if the Children are virtuous, they do their Mother the Justice to hate her for it; if they are wicked, they give her the Mortification of doing the like, and giving her for the Example: On the other-hand, if the Man and the Woman part, there is an End of the Crime, and an End of the Clamour; Time wears out the Memory of it; or a Woman may remove but a few Streets, and she soon out-lives it, and hears no more of it.
He was confounded at this Discourse, and told me, he cou’d not say but I was right in the Main; that as to that Part relating to managing Estates, it was arguing a la Cavalier,163 it was in some Sence, right, if the Women were able to carry it on so, but that in general, the Sex were not capable of it; their Heads were not turn’d for it, and they had better choose a Person capable, and honest, that knew how to do them Justice, as Women, as well as to love them; and that then the Trouble was all taken off of their Hands.
I t
old him, it was a dear Way of purchasing their Ease; for very often when the Trouble was taken off of their Hands, so was their Money too; and that I thought it was far safer for the Sex not to be afraid of the Trouble, but to be really afraid of their Money; that if no-body was trusted, no-body wou’d be deceiv’d; and the Staff in their own Hands, was the best Security in the World.
He reply’d, that I had started a new thing in the World; that however I might support it by subtle reasoning, yet it was a way of arguing that was contrary to the general Practice, and that he confess’d he was much disappointed in it; that had he known I wou’d have made such a Use of it, he wou’d never have attempted what he did, which he had no wicked Design in, resolving to make me Reparation, and that he was very sorry he had been so unhappy; that he was very sure he shou’d never upbraid me with it hereafter, and had so good an Opinion of me, as to believe I did not suspect him; but seeing I was positive in refusing him, notwithstanding what had pass’d, he had nothing to do but to secure me from Reproach, by going back again to Paris, that so, according to my own way of arguing, it might die out of Memory, and I might never meet with it again to my Disadvantage.
I was not pleas’d with this Part at-all, for I had no-mind to let him go neither; and yet I had no-mind to give him such hold of me as he wou’d have had; and thus I was in a kind of suspence, irresolute, and doubtful what Course to take.
I was in the House with him, as I have observ’d, and I saw evidently that he was preparing to go back to Paris; and particularly, I found he was remitting Money to Paris, which was, as I understood afterwards, to pay for some Wines which he had given Order to have bought for him, at Troyes in Champagne; and I knew not what Course to take; and besides that, I was very loth to part with him; I found also, that I was with-Child by him, which was what I had not yet told him of; and sometimes I thought not to tell him of it at-all; but I was in a strange Place, and had no Acquaintance, tho’ I had a great deal of Substance, which indeed, having no Friends there, was the more dangerous to me.
