The Sweetest Secret

by Jacquie Underdown

  Ellie looked between the two of them, not understanding what had happened.

  Sam released a long breath of air—it sounded like relief, but it could have been something else. He smiled at his daughter. ‘That’s okay, Livvy. I am your dad, so you can call me Dad.’

  Livvy grinned and continued with her story about how they went to the shops during the week and picked out the most beautiful tea set. But Ellie was concentrating on Sam. He had turned away and drawn in a deep breath. There was a shudder to it. When he joined the conversation, Ellie could see his eyes were glossy.

  She put her hand on his thigh and squeezed, letting him know that she understood how monumental that moment must have been for him.

  ‘Do you want to go up and get the tea set, so we can show Ellie?’

  Livvy bounced off her chair and ran for the door.

  ‘Slow down,’ Sam called after her. ‘Remember how we practiced.’

  Livvy nodded and slowed to a walk. She opened the door, but then her footsteps rushed again up the stairs once she was out of sight.

  Ellie laughed.

  Sam shook his head, but a grin filled his face. ‘If it breaks, we have a spare.’

  She wanted to mention the ‘dad’ incident, but she could already see Sam was finding it difficult to keep his emotions at bay. What a humungous set of circumstances to happen to him. This was bigger than Ellie could have even begun to understand.

  ‘I’m really proud of how you’ve coped with all this,’ she whispered.

  He met her gaze, parted his lips to speak, but Oliva was at the back screen door. ‘A little help please.’

  Sam jumped up and opened the door for her. She smiled at Ellie as though super-excited to show her the tea set in the wicker basket she was holding.

  ‘Oh wow, that’s a lovely tea set.’ It truly was. White china with pale blue painted flowers. Obviously expensive. It had matching little teaspoons and saucers.

  As she set it out on the table, a high-pitched whistle sounded from inside. ‘The jug’s boiling,’ she yelled.

  ‘I’ll go get it.’ Sam ran inside and came out a while later with another tray, this time filled with snack foods and a jug of boiled water.

  ‘Me and Dad …’ she stopped and shared a glance with Sam, ‘made everything.’

  Little iced cupcakes, misshapen slices, and haphazard sandwiches were spread out on a platter. ‘I can tell,’ Ellie said, ‘because it all looks so wonderful. It has to be homemade.’

  ‘With love,’ Livvy said. ‘Dad said we had to make everything with love. Aunty Amy had taught us that it makes things taste better. She made me a unicorn cake and it tasted the best. I love unicorn cakes.’

  ‘I’ve never had a unicorn cake.’

  ‘But Ellie does have unicorn pyjamas,’ Sam said, pushing his elbow into her side and laughing.

  Livvy’s eyes widened. ‘I would really love unicorn pyjamas.’

  ‘They are my favourite pyjamas.’

  ‘After lunch, we have a special present for you,’ Livvy said.

  Ellie’s eyes widened. She peered at Sam, who was giving nothing away, then back to Livvy. ‘I can’t wait.’

  ‘You will love it. It’s so beautiful. Me and Dad made it too.’ No hesitation this time when she said his name.

  ‘Sounds like you and Dad have been very busy.’

  Livvy nodded and sighed as though she was exhausted. ‘Yep. So busy.’

  Sam made a pot of tea and allowed Livvy to carefully pour them each a cup.

  ‘I have to have cold water in mine,’ she said, sitting again. She filled the rest of her half-filled cup with water. ‘So I don’t burn my tongue. Dad said that it’s because I’m not big like him yet that things feel hotter.’

  ‘That makes sense.’

  They drank their tea and ate their snacks. They tasted much better than they looked.

  ‘Is your sore better?’ Livvy asked.

  Ellie looked down at her arm. They had healed well, but the doctor had to put a cover on her forearm after taking out the stitches. ‘It’s much better.’

  ‘You got your stitches out?’ Sam asked.

  She nodded.

  ‘And the shop is in order. The glassier rang me and said she got your window in.’

  Again she nodded. ‘Thanks again for arranging that.’

  They were speaking, but underneath it all was what they truly wanted to talk about—how that day had ended. It was the only lingering unresolved part of that day.

  Monday morning, after the brick incident, Roger had come into the shop to let her know that they had made an arrest. Her store was operational again. She was okay, healing. But still, the air between her and Sam remained unsettled.

  ‘How about you go and get Ellie’s present.’

  Livvy fist pumped the air. ‘Yes!’ Then she climbed off the seat and ran for the door.

  ‘Remember to take it slowly. We don’t want to drop it.’

  Livvy slowed to a walk and exited out the door, then they saw her sprinting past, not realising they could see her through the glass louvres.

  Ellie rolled her head back and laughed. ‘Kids. I remember being exactly the same.’

  ‘Me too,’ Sam said. ‘The three of us boys … I don’t know how Mum handled it.’

  Silence fell between them.

  Ellie shifted in her seat, scrambling for something to say. They’d never had uncomfortable silences before. ‘It’s great news that Roger made an arrest.’

  ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I hadn’t even thought it could be Daisy Jones. But it makes sense. I used to supply flowers for her. But she had stopped paying her invoices and was getting quite obscene about it when I would bring up the unpaid bills. So I had to cut her off. She obviously didn’t take it well. I’m sorry you had to get involved.’

  ‘I actually met her at a local market.’

  His eyebrows rose. ‘You did?’

  Ellie nodded. ‘She was so rude to me when I asked her about her business. But, I never in a million years would have thought she would be the one to vandalise our properties. Roger said she was trying to drive me away. Supposedly her business had dropped off since I arrived.’

  ‘It’s because she’s difficult to deal with. She’s not a pleasant person at all. You’re much sweeter. I’d come get my flowers from you any day. And the townsfolk obviously agree.’

  Ellie grinned. ‘Thank you. I’m just glad it’s over.’

  ‘Me too.’

  Little feet clopping on the path sounded as the whir of Livvy’s body streaked past in front of them.

  The side door opened and Livvy came through, beaming, a little breathless from sprinting. She held in her hand a small ceramic pot. In the pot, a long green stem stretched upward and branched into two. Two pink flowers burst from each branch. An orchid, obvious from the tell-tale shapes of the petals, but not like any type she had worked with before.

  She glanced back at Sam. ‘You’ve started growing flowers again?’

  He nodded.

  Livvy handed the pot to Ellie. ‘This is for you.’

  ‘Thank you so much.’

  ‘It’s a new type of Orch …’

  ‘Orchid,’ Sam helped.

  ‘Orchid. We made it ourselves.’

  Ellie’s eyes widened. ‘Wow. A new variety?’

  Livvy nodded enthusiastically as she sat back on her seat. ‘It’s a hy … a hybrid. Dad said we should call it a Sweetheart.’

  Ellie stared at the fragile pink petals. ‘I like that.’

  ‘He said to call it a sweetheart because two flowers grow to every branch. Which is really different. And he said that he is the green stem. And these are his arms,’ she said pointing to the two branches. ‘And he said that this flower is me. And this flower is you. It’s Dad holding his two sweethearts in his arms, nice and close.’

  Ellie’s chest warmed with an unanticipated storm of emotion. That was the most romantic thing she’d heard anyone say. Tears welled. ‘That’s just beautiful.�
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  Livvy frowned. ‘Why are you crying?’

  Ellie offered a watery smile. ‘They’re happy tears. Hearing that makes me happy.’

  She didn’t dare look at Sam yet, in case she really lost control of her emotions.

  ‘My mummy had happy tears.’

  ‘Did she, sweetheart?’ Sam asked.

  ‘Yep. When I finished prep, I had to go on stage and shake my teacher’s hand. Mummy cried. She said that it was because she was happy.’

  ‘Seeing that would have made me happy too,’ Sam said.

  ‘Do you love it?’ Livvy asked.

  Ellie tried to get the words out, but it was useless. ‘I love it so much.’

  Livvy smiled. ‘We have lots of them.’

  Sam reached for her under the table and rested his hand on her thigh. ‘If you want, I thought you might want to sell them at your shop. You’d be the only florist in the whole world to have them.’

  She met his gaze.

  ‘Of course, that’s if you decide to stay in Alpine Ridge,’ he qualified.

  ‘Are you going to stay, Ellie?’ Livvy asked.

  She drew a deep breath in. ‘That depends on a few things yet.’

  ‘You should come with us to the duck pond. It’s really beautiful. And the ducks are so cute. I love ducks.’

  Ellie laughed through her tears. ‘I love ducks too.’

  ‘We could definitely take Ellie with us,’ Sam said. ‘If she wants to.’

  She shared a glance with Sam. A look that said ‘no more games, it’s time to come clean’.

  Chapter 37

  Amy picked Olivia up at the agreed upon time. They were going to have a girl’s afternoon, firstly going to get their nails painted and then watching Beauty and the Beast at the local cinema.

  It would give Sam and Ellie some alone time. Time to talk.

  Sam waved goodbye to Olivia from the front porch step as she drove away in Amy’s car, a huge grin on her face.

  He spent a moment outside to get some space before he went back in and shut the door behind him. Ellie was waiting on the lounge in the living room.

  An edgy buzz of nerves found him now that it was zero hour. He was unsure of himself. Uncertain of how Ellie would react.

  They had a wonderful morning together. Ellie had got along with Olivia as well as he could have hoped, and Olivia had seemed a little awestruck by Ellie. Chatty. Happy. He wanted that to continue. He wanted both of his sweethearts in his life.

  Ellie drew a deep breath in when their eyes met. She was fidgeting with the hem of her dress. He couldn’t blame her for being nervous; he’d been nothing but vague about everything for the last couple of months.

  ‘Would you like a grown-up drink?’

  She smiled and nodded.

  He came back with two glasses of wine.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said, taking hers.

  He took a seat beside her, breathing deeply, trying to quell the nerves that were tugging and slicing in his gut. He didn’t want to lose her. But if she didn’t accept him for who he truly was, that possibility may become a hard, painful reality.

  ‘Olivia is adorable,’ she said.

  ‘She is.’

  ‘Very talkative.’

  He arched a brow, grinned. ‘Oh, you noticed?’

  ‘A little. Doesn’t hurt in this world to be sociable.’

  ‘No, it doesn’t.’ Though it did hurt when you weren’t. This current economy didn’t support introverts. ‘I’m glad you came over today to meet Olivia. But I also asked you over so we could talk.’

  She took a big gulp of her wine.

  He smiled. ‘I’ve asked that you give me some time. And I know, I pushed your boundaries a little too far.’

  She didn’t refute him.

  ‘In fact, I think I crossed right over them.’ He looked away and groaned. He was babbling. Felicity advised that he be quick and to the point. Nice, clear communication, that way no-one was left wondering about anything. ‘I’m not exactly the man I’ve shown myself to be.’

  Her eyes widened. ‘Oh? How so?’

  He closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose. One breath. Two breaths. When he opened his eyes, she was watching him with a wary gaze. ‘This is really hard for me to admit, but if you and I have any chance of a future together, I need to be completely upfront with you.’

  ‘I thought you already had been.’

  He sighed. ‘Yes, and at the time I thought I was, but that’s only because I was still in denial about …’ he trailed off, had a big swallow of his wine. Then he told himself to back off on the alcohol. He was on anti-anxiety medication and shouldn’t be drinking at all. He placed the glass on the coffee table.

  ‘About what? Denial about what?’ Her words were quick, impatient.

  He was blabbering again. Quick and concise, Sam, so no-one is left wondering about anything.

  ‘I have … I have anxiety. And panic disorder. Well, that’s the diagnosis. It really just means that I get nervous about a lot of things, so much so I sometimes have panic attacks.’

  Ellie sat back in her chair. ‘I didn’t even realise.’ She shook her head, blinked. ‘No, I think maybe I did. Just little things suggested … But I didn’t put two and two together.’

  He shook his head. ‘That’s okay. I’m really good at hiding it.’

  She frowned. ‘I’m sorry to hear that. It must be really difficult.’

  ‘It can be. Incredibly difficult. But, I’m telling you so you know who I am. The real me. I finally started seeing a professional, and I’m on medication …’ he stopped, waiting for her reaction.

  She just nodded, listening, quietly prompting him to continue.

  ‘Remember I told you about Tamara?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘It looks as though things started getting worse after my relationship with her. Her emotional abuse was traumatic. It was the catalyst for this anxiety. But, I think I’ve always had some small level of anxiety my whole life. Unfortunately, relationships are a trigger for me. Deep down, I kind of knew that already. Just from the way I’ve behaved, usually by running.’

  ‘Relationships are a trigger?’ she said distractedly. He knew what she was thinking. If relationships were a trigger, how were they expected to have a successful one?

  And Sam didn’t know the answer to that himself. He only knew that he wanted to try.

  ‘Yes. And I thought we were going great, but then I was thrown this curveball with Olivia, and my ability to cope with it all fell apart. I should never have treated you the way I did. I should never have cut you out like you meant nothing. Because, Ellie, you mean everything to me. But I truly thought you’d be better off without me.’

  Ellie placed her wine down and shuffled closer to him. ‘Sam, why would you ever think I’d be better off without you? I never gave you that impression—’

  ‘I know that. Truly, Ellie, I do. And this may not make sense to you, but for me, it’s totally real. When I’m not well, I feel so broken and irreparable, that I think people are better off without me in their lives.’

  Tears welled in her eyes. ‘That’s horrible, Sam.’

  ‘It’s not great. But I don’t feel like that all the time. Only when something triggers me. Most of the time I’m fine. Most of the time I truly am that Sam you’ve gotten to know. But sometimes, I’m not. And that’s the side of me I try and hide. And I hide it by running away and never letting anyone get close enough to me to find out. But I don’t want to do that with you. And if you know, right here, right now, that side of me I’m ashamed of, then maybe I won’t have to run.’

  Ellie got to her knees on the couch beside him and held his face in her hands. ‘Sam. My heart is breaking for you.’

  ‘Please don’t, Ellie. I can’t accept sympathy.’

  ‘It’s not sympathy. It’s empathy. And it’s heartbreaking that we’ve had to go through the last couple of months without each other. And I’m sorry that it was so difficult for you to tell
me this because it wouldn’t have changed how I feel about you, not one little bit.’

  His own eyes welled with tears—happy tears like he was watching his daughter graduate, but in this case, it was because Ellie was still here. ‘I’ve been raised to be a man. Men don’t cry. Men don’t fumble. And men definitely don’t fall. I was worried I wouldn’t be man enough for you.’ He tapped his head. ‘In here.’

  ‘By admitting this to me. And by opening up and sharing this part of you, instead of hiding it away out of fear, and showing me your true emotions, takes real courage, Sam. Believe me, you’re more of a man than any man I’ve ever met.’ She pressed a hand to his chest. ‘In here.’ She lifted her hand to his head. ‘And in here.’

  He stared into her eyes. ‘The big question that remains is with everything you learned about me, and with the way my life has changed, can you be a part of it? It’s not just me now, there’s Olivia too. The entire way I live my life has been flipped upside down.’

  She sat back and shook her head. ‘No, Sam, I think the real question is, are you going to run again when there is another hiccup? Because there will be more. There will be plenty. But I’m not going to commit to this relationship because, yes, there are Olivia’s feelings to take into consideration now. And for me to become a part of this family, a real part, not just half-hearted, but all in, for you to just shut me out again at some point, is not fair on me or Olivia. I’m willing to give this a go again. I always have been. I would have stood beside you no matter what was thrown our way. But are you willing to do the same?’

  Sam looked away. Her question was like an ice bucket of truth thrown over him. And she was right. This all came down to him. He was the one who pushed her away and locked her out. And here she was now saying that she was committed to becoming a part of this small family of his, despite his mental illness. But she also had the mind to take Olivia into consideration, protecting her, in the process.

  Somewhere, he must have done something right to have fallen in love with such a gorgeous, caring woman and for her to have loved him in return. He had experienced life without her in it, and no inner-turmoil, nothing life could throw at him, compared to that.