The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down: How to Be Calm and Mindful in a Fast-Paced World

by Haemin Sunim

  Only when we know how to control this overflowing passion can we work harmoniously and effectively with others. Only then can we effectively share our enthusiasm with those around us.

  The toll of a bell is heard far and wide only when the bell is struck hard.

  Your influence won’t spread far without the sacrifice of hard work.

  The world notices your efforts more quickly than you think.

  It is important that you work hard,

  but don’t be enamored of the feeling of working hard.

  If you are drunk on that feeling, then you care less about the actual work

  than about how you appear to others to be working hard.

  The most dangerous people

  are those who have passion but lack wisdom.

  If you want to predict how a politician will act after winning an election,

  look at how he currently lives and how he has behaved in the past.

  A person does not live the way he says he would.

  He lives the way he has been living.

  Historically, the people who bring about change in society

  tend to be not the middle-aged but the passionate youth.

  Their hearts are sensitive to the plight of the oppressed.

  Their spirits stand tall against injustice and fight for the voiceless.

  Hold on to that youthful heart and spirit no matter how old you are.

  Everyone is kind to someone they meet for the first time.

  The question is how long their kindness lasts.

  Don’t be fooled just because someone is nice to you at first.

  When hiring, look beyond skills and experience

  to see if the candidate knows how to enjoy her job.

  People who enjoy their work are usually more successful than those who don’t.

  No matter what we do,

  the top button of our business must be fastened properly.

  If we think, “I’ll just do it this way for now and fix it later,”

  it usually does not happen,

  because later we may not have the motivation to fix it,

  or we just get used to the way it is.

  It is like moving into a house and deciding to fix it up over time.

  Even after many years, we never get around to fixing it up.

  We end up just living with the way things are for a long time.

  Someone thinks, “I’ll study hard so I can get into a prestigious college.”

  Someone else thinks, “I’ll study hard so I can teach my sister,

  who cannot attend school because my family cannot afford to send her.”

  Although they both have the same determination to study hard,

  their motivations are quite different.

  A vow to help others can summon immense energy from within.

  This is why people take the Bodhisattva vows to save all sentient beings

  before embarking on a journey of spiritual enlightenment.

  When you are making a decision, try to assess how many people it will benefit.

  If it satisfies only your ego and unnecessarily hurts many, then it is the wrong decision.

  Be the kind of person who can put yourself in someone else’s shoes

  and understand something not just from your own perspective

  but from theirs as well.

  Are you trying to get closer to someone?

  Is it because you want something from him?

  If you wish to be truly close, then discard your ulterior motives.

  When you are genuinely kind, without an agenda,

  then others will more readily open up to you.

  Some people are generous and kind to those outside their circle

  while neglecting the needs of those within it.

  It is a mistake to take family and close colleagues for granted.

  When those closest to you feel ignored and betrayed,

  everything you have built can collapse in an instant.

  A large boulder is an example to us

  of how to stay true and not to waver

  even when waves of praise or criticism rush over us.

  Being Right Isn’t Important; Being Happy Together Is

  Every one of us has beliefs, values, and thoughts that are fundamental to us and that we cannot imagine compromising on. We believe these are irrefutably right and that everyone would agree if they came to their senses. But every once in a while we have to spend time with people who do not share our convictions.

  We may clash over political views, religious beliefs, or life values. If the conversation touches on these topics, it quickly becomes an argument. No one feels they are being heard or respected, and what remains is mostly anger, confusion, and hurt.

  We must ask whether it was worthwhile if we make each other feel unhappy or hurt in the name of defending our beliefs. Instead of maintaining the sanctity of our values, shouldn’t we care more about the person sitting in front of us? Isn’t it better to be happy together than to be right alone?

  Trying to convince someone to adopt our views is largely the work of our ego. Even if we turn out to be right, our ego knows no satisfaction and seeks a new argument to engage in.

  Maturity comes with experience. One lesson of maturity is that we should not take our thoughts too seriously, and must learn to curb our ego and see the bigger picture.

  Being right isn’t nearly as important as being happy together.

  Instead of being the smartest person in the room, quick to critique others,

  be the warmhearted friend, bringing people together and sharing things.

  Be the sensitive neighbor, capable of feeling the suffering of others.

  If I want to convince someone,

  I first listen attentively and try to understand them.

  Even if I am right, they won’t be convinced until they feel heard and respected.

  Many conflicts in our lives can be resolved

  if we put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.

  Try to look at things from her point of view.

  If you consider only your side,

  you are no different from a child.

  If you get angry while debating right and wrong,

  your enraged voice has just conceded defeat.

  Being a critic is easy.

  But if the critic tries to run the operation,

  he soon understands that nothing is as easy as his criticisms.

  Criticism without a solution is merely an inflation of the critic’s ego.

  When you hear something that makes your blood boil,

  don’t shoot off a text or an e-mail right away.

  A wise person sleeps on it.

  An instant emotional reaction often leads to a regrettable outcome.

  It is easy to make people feel special.

  People usually prefer talking to listening.

  Ask many open-ended questions and listen with genuine interest.

  They will feel flattered by your attention, and even like you.

  A powerful person is often surrounded by only yes-men,

  helping their boss feel important and exceptional.

  If the people around you always agree with you,

  they are probably opportunists, not loyalists.

  When a question has both a long, complicated, but logical-sounding answer

  and a simple answer that can be understood by even a child,

  the right answer is usually the simple one.

  When you ask a question

  and there is no response,

  then that is the answer.

  There are only those who know their shortcomings

  and those who do not.

  Nobody is perfect.

 
Everyone has shortcomings.

  If someone looks perfect,

  then that is because you don’t know the person very well.

  “Don’t try to make it perfect. Instead, make it interesting!”

  —AN INTERIOR DESIGNER’S ADVICE

  Do you want to be happy,

  or do you want to appear happy?

  Never mind what the world tells you to do to be happy.

  Be truthful to yourself and discover what you really want.

  Choose happiness, not success, as your life’s goal.

  If you become successful but aren’t happy, then what is the point?

  There are those who want to become successful

  in order to thumb their noses at the people who looked down on them.

  But what happens after you achieve success?

  What do you do after proving that they were wrong?

  If you want to truly succeed, don’t use anyone else’s yardstick.

  Meaningful praise is from someone in the same field as you.

  It is worth praise from ten or more people outside your field.

  Professionals have their talents and areas of expertise.

  If a client tries to control and monitor every detail,

  the professional cannot work at full capacity and feels inhibited.

  If you want the best result, watch with interest but know when to back off.

  A veteran doctor, lawyer, or accountant won’t necessarily provide better service

  than the passionate young professional who has been in the field only a few years.

  The amount of attention you get is often more important

  than the professional’s illustrious career history.

  After mastering eighteen levels of kung fu,

  you can hurt someone with the flick of a finger.

  But if you go on to master all thirty-six levels,

  you choose to retreat when the weak foolishly come to fight.

  Are you moving up?

  Are you doing well?

  Then see whether you are succeeding at the expense of others,

  or along with others.

  If you shove others aside on the way to success,

  then you will be pulled under once the tide changes.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Relationships

  The Art of Maintaining a Good Relationship

  MANY OF US invest time and money to live in a nice house, drive a fancy car, and appear young and beautiful. But how much do we invest in the intangible, like good relationships? If we are fortunate enough to be surrounded by family and friends who love us for who we are and genuinely care for our well-being, we feel secure and emotionally stable even in the face of challenges. On the other hand, even if we possess our dream house, a luxury car, and a perfect body, we remain deeply unhappy if there are problems in our relationships. When the problems persist without any resolution in sight, we become depressed and even think of committing suicide. If happiness is what we hope to achieve in our lives, shouldn’t we put more effort into cultivating good relationships with the people around us?

  IN MY TWENTIES, I went on a two-week backpacking trip in Europe with a close friend from my monastery. When we arrived at the airport in Rome, our spirits were high. We had known each other for a couple of years and got along very well. I liked his sense of humor and warmhearted nature, and he appreciated my adventurous spirit and optimism. Since he did not speak much English, I felt obligated to stay close to him. After the first seven days of spending every moment together, we’d run out of things to talk about and both became irritable. It was not because of any concrete problem in our friendship; it was just that we longed for some time alone. So the following morning I suggested we take different routes and meet up at the hostel at night. My friend welcomed my suggestion.

  As I left the hostel, I felt free—I knew I could choose to do whatever I liked for the day; I did not have to negotiate with my friend about where to go first and what to see next. But as the morning turned into the afternoon, I was reminded of the advantages of traveling with a friend. When I needed to go to the restroom, I could no longer rely on my friend to watch my backpack. Eating alone was no fun; it felt more like a chore than a time for enjoyment and relaxation. I didn’t take any pictures of myself that day because I did not want to bother strangers. When I encountered something beautiful, such as a famous piece of art, I was not as thrilled since there was no one to share the excitement with. When I arrived at our hostel at the end of the day, I was quite happy to see my friend. Over dinner we found many new things to talk about in recounting our respective days.

  From this experience I realized that the art of maintaining a good relationship can be compared to sitting by a fireplace. If we sit too close for too long, we become hot and possibly burned. If we sit too far away, we cannot feel the warmth. Similarly, no matter how well we get along with someone, if we stick too close without building in some personal space, we soon feel trapped and burned out; it is easy to take the relationship for granted and feel resentful about not having enough privacy and independence. On the other hand, if we put in too little effort to stay in touch with friends and family, we can’t feel the warmth of their love. Striking a balance is key.

  I HEARD A story from Korea that holds another good lesson about relationships. It is about a man named Maeng Sa-seong (1360–1438), a member of the literati class during the Joseon Dynasty. He was renowned for his intelligence: At age nineteen he received the highest marks in the state civil service examination, and at age twenty he became county magistrate. But his quick success made him haughty and vain. One day Maeng paid a visit to an eminent Zen Buddhist master in his district and asked, “What should I keep in mind as I rule this village?”

  The master answered politely, “All that is necessary is to avoid evil and to do good for many.”

  Maeng snapped, “Even a child knows that! Is that all you have to tell me?”

  As Maeng got up to leave, the master insisted he stay a bit longer. After brewing tea, the master poured some in Maeng’s cup but did not stop when the cup was full. Perplexed, Maeng demanded to know what he was doing.

  “You seem to know that too much tea will ruin the floor,” the master answered, “but how do you not know that too much knowledge will ruin one’s character?”

  Embarrassed, Maeng sprang to his feet and rushed toward the door to leave, but in his haste he hit his head on the doorframe. The master gently admonished him: “If you lower your head, you won’t bump into trouble.”

  As we can see, too much pride can be a source of conflict. If we treat people with humility and respect, conflicts can be avoided. It is often our pride that encourages us to stand up straight and wage a battle of wills. While fighting to determine who is right and who is wrong, we end up causing physical and emotional pain. Some people even drag family and friends into the conflict and create more unnecessary confusion and ill will. If someone comes up to me and says, “Let’s see whose religion is right,” I first listen respectfully, then say, “Thank you for introducing me to aspects of your religion that I didn’t know much about. I appreciate that.” If I were to engage in an argument in order to win, the only result would be that someone would feel hurt. Even if I did win, what good would result? The other person would only feel defeated.

  We all grow up in different environments. Our experiences are varied, and so are our personalities, habits, values, and thoughts. It is not easy for diverse people to live together and try to forge relationships. According to the Buddhist scripture The Treatise on the King of Treasures Samadhi, “Do not expect others to follow your way. When things always go your way, it is easy to become arrogant.” As we experience adversity in our lives, we mature and become more understanding. Just remember that the person who has made your life difficult today could be an undercover teacher sent from above, tasked wi
th your spiritual growth.

  Do you often feel lonely at work or in school?

  Perhaps your heart is closed off to those around you.

  “I don’t get her.”

  “I’m better than her.”

  “We’re on different wavelengths.”

  If you think this way, how could you not be lonely?

  Open your heart, and have a cup of coffee with her.

  You will soon see that she is not that different from you.

  When you open up about your hurt and sorrow,

  I feel grateful that you’ve turned to me for support.

  It’s as though I am meeting you in the most sacred chamber of your heart.

  Politicians always say what sounds good.

  But what they say does not always resonate with us—

  because their words are coming from their head, not from their heart.

  Speak from your heart, which is tender, simple, and true.

  People will understand you, and like you.

  If you think you are either superior or inferior to someone,

  an invisible wall goes up between you.

  Treat him like an old friend you haven’t seen in a while.

  When you let your guard down, so will he.