empower: fight like a girl (words empower Book 1)

by Amy Berg

  Arrive

  Become movie star

  Here’s what actually happens:

  Arrive

  Rejection

  Rejection

  Rejection

  Starvation because everybody here is super thin and therefore if you starve you will no longer have to deal with rejection

  Rejection

  Starvation because you literally ran out of money to buy food

  Rejection

  Rejection

  Fuck this, I’m trying a different line of work

  See, that’s the truth. That’s the actual truth right there. I am healthy and happy, and I do love this blog, and I do welcome you to it, but I left a lot out before. Like the eating disorder (and subsequent recovery…although, frankly, I still take it day by day, so I’m hesitant to say I’m fully out of the woods). And the part where my boyfriend at the time dumped me for a girl who’d just gotten a (tiny, by the way) role in a miniseries and weighed fourteen pounds less than me while being three inches taller. That was years ago; I’m over it. OVER IT! I’m just telling you guys now because I’m a little loopy from anesthesia (got my wisdom teeth out—all four of them, this morning, all at once) and I just woke up from my post-surgery nap, and it’s dark outside, and I haven’t checked the time because I’m in too much pain, and my mouth is stuffed with bloody gauze, and it’s gross, and I probably shouldn’t even post this. Whatever. I’m gonna take, like, six Vicodin and then post this. Hahahahha who cares aaaaa!!!!! POSTING! I’m gonna regret this tomorrow, probably. Sorry. POSTING!

  October 9, 2013

  Hi everyone! I’m so sorry for yesterday! I had just gotten oral surgery and was clearly high as a kite. I even contemplated taking that post down, but I’ve decided to leave it up instead, as a lesson to myself, and to others, that all surgery is serious. Anesthesia can absolutely affect your health, so if you ever undergo a procedure where it’s necessary, make sure to take care of yourself both before and afterwards. Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming:

  No workout today because I’m still recovering (giving myself three full days until I hit the gym again, although I may do some bodyweight exercises at home tomorrow, depending on how I feel).

  Today’s paleo eats: nothing for breakfast, nothing for lunch, nothing for dinner (my mouth still hurts so I didn’t want to attempt even soup). I did drink a lot of water, though, and a little bit of kombucha. Water and kombucha are the best!

  Stay healthy! Stay happy! :)

  October 10, 2013

  Feeling so much better today! I refuse to be kept down by the holes in my mouth formerly known as my wisdom teeth. Actually, I am too tired to blog much (not being able to eat = zero energy), but I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that I’m okay. Have any of you ever gotten your wisdom teeth out? Let me know in the comments section!

  Stay healthy! Stay happy! :)

  October 12, 2013

  I would post a picture of my breakfast this morning except I didn’t really eat any. I made a smoothie (frozen banana + spinach + strawberries + almond butter + chia seeds = soooo good!) and like any good blogger, I took a photo of it arranged on my favorite vintage silver tray with a fresh daisy and this cute little striped paper straw. It looked SO CUTE! So cute that I then tried to drink it through the straw, forgetting that the dentist told me not to use straws because the suction can sometimes mess up your stitches. One giant mouthful of salty redness later…yeah, exactly. I’ll spare you further details. Let’s just say the smoothie didn’t go down the hatch, but a bunch of blood did. Ewww, I know.

  Oddly, I feel much better now, even though I haven’t eaten in days. Like, super energetic.

  Stay healthy & happy! :)

  October 15, 2013

  This is so weird I just have to tell someone (so everyone, I guess…hi, internet!). I went in so Dr. Forrester could redo my stitches, and during the process…I could feel it. They didn’t knock me out this time, just injected some local anesthesia, but it must not have worked because I could feel everything she was doing. And it hurt, but it didn’t hurt. It didn’t bother me. Pain normally really bothers me! I’ll push through it during a workout, of course, but I know my limits and I always stop if it seems like it might be something serious. You can tell when your body is just complaining about one more pushup, as opposed to suffering for real. And today was real pain! But I was just like eh, whatever.

  Today’s workout: nothing. I’m actually beginning to feel really guilty about it—if a fitness blogger doesn’t stay fit, does that mean she can still blog or is she just a FAT USELESS LUMP? Whoa, sorry. Falling back into old habits there.

  Today’s paleo eats: nothing. Whatever blood I accidentally swallowed during the re-stitching, I guess. Gross. Sorry.

  October 23, 2013

  I know. I’ve been AWOL. After being really honest with myself, I thought it would be best to just lay low and really recover before blogging again; I started this because it was fun, not because I felt like I needed to. But I finally worked out today! Nothing special: 100 squats, 100 pushups, 5 one-minute planks, and a few minutes of hill sprints. Today’s paleo eats (or just look at the photo I posted): bone broth, green smoothie, and a few (okay, several) (okay, most of the jar) spoonfuls of homemade coconut butter. Shut up! I’m still scared to chew! Last time I tried, a few days ago, my stitches opened up again. Just a little bleeding this time, but basically it made me not want to even bother. Blood in mouth = not hungry.

  Stay healthy! Stay happy! :)

  October 25, 2013

  Today’s workout: an hour of beach running and then half an hour of the Santa Monica stairs. I wasn’t even tired. I barely broke a sweat! It’s weird, I never jumped on the juice cleanse bandwagon before, but maybe there is something to taking a break from solid food? They say it lets your body take the focus off digestion and spend time healing other things instead? Because I had INSANE energy today. And the only thing I ate was one nibble of a cacao almond protein bar. Shout out to Vixen LifeBars, by the way, for sending that box of samples! Their slogan is “Badass fuel for badass women,” but that didn’t stop my CrossFit buddy Jason from snarfing six. If you’d like some for yourself, check out their website and use the code “HHHBLOG” to get 20% off until midnight tomorrow! I love to hook my readers up!

  Stay healthy & happy! :)

  October 26, 2013

  My gums are 100% healed! I feel so much better: went to the gym and lifted, took two yoga classes, and took Pip-Pip out for an hourlong hike. Unfortunately, he found a dead squirrel and had it in his mouth and I didn’t even see it until he’d already brought it inside. Gross! I took a picture for you. I know I usually only post pics of my meals, but hey, a squirrel is technically a paleo eat. I’m kidding, of course—not about the paleo—it’s totally paleo—but of course I didn’t eat it. Though I did get a little of its blood on my hand while I was throwing it out and I screamed when it happened and then my hair fell in my face so I moved the hair and that got some blood on my face near my mouth and some of the blood ended up going in my mouth. Aaaa, disgusting!

  It actually wasn’t that disgusting.

  I shouldn’t post this. I’m going to, though, and if you don’t like it, nobody’s asking you to read my blog! Just point that browser somewhere else and mind your business!

  Stay healthy! Stay happy! :)

  November 2, 2013

  So weird: I was just out walking Pip-Pip and I ran into my old commercial agent. Haven’t seen her in years! Ever since she dropped me. She said I looked great, which, duh, I do! Much better than when I was her client and anorexic. It’s my new diet. Which is still paleo! All parts of the animal are! Shout-out to the artisanal butcher in Los Feliz who’s been hooking me up.

  EDITED TO ADD: I’m seeing a lot of haters in the comments who are telling me that I am overdosing on my pain meds (not true…the Vicodin ran out a week ago) or think I am suffering from some sort of psychotic break. Wrong. I feel better than I ever have. C
omments will be disabled from now on. I’m sorry to my LOYAL readers; if you have POSITIVE things to say, feel free to tweet me!

  Stay healthy & happy! :)

  November 5, 2013

  OMG. I was out walking Pip-Pip late last night because he was freaking out and kept pawing at the door (I normally try not to go out too late by myself since he’s not exactly an attack dog), and this guy comes running up to me and I was so fucking scared I hit him before he could even say anything (thanks, Krav Maga classes, I guess!) but he wasn’t even mad. In FACT, he’s a manager, and he said, and I quote, that I just had a certain something that drew his eye across the street to me, even though it was dark out and he could barely see. He could just sense my energy and he couldn’t stop looking at me and he just had to come over. Ha! I wasn’t even doing anything! I was walking my dog in SWEATPANTS. And then when I hit him, he realized I was so feisty that he just HAD to sign me. “Are you an actress? I don’t even care if you aren’t, I’ll make you one.” I told him no, that I haven’t acted in years, but I also took his card. I know. It’s been forever! I can’t get back into the game now, can I?

  November 26, 2013

  I guess I can! Booked three commercials already. Barely even two weeks since I started auditioning again. And the best part is: I’ve lost weight. But gained muscle. And haven’t even been working out. I swear. I haven’t worked out in FOREVER but do you know how long I can hold a plank now? Twelve minutes. Insane, right? Without even trying. I could just hang out on my elbows and toes all day if I wanted. You could use me as a coffee table. Ha!

  December 14, 2013

  Confidential to the fucked-up motherfucker who roofied my drink and then offered me a ride home from the Christmas party and then tried to force your way into my house even though I said I’m tired and goodnight: It was super fun punching you multiple times in the head while wearing this gorgeous cocktail ring, it was super fun watching all your wounds bleed profusely as you lay unconscious on my doorstep, it was super fun licking the blood off your face, and congratulations, I didn’t call the cops on you. I’d be mad at my manager for even inviting you to his party, but it’s not his fault his friend was a secret scumbag. Besides, he introduced me to like a zillion casting directors, and they ALL loved me. I know they did. I could feel it. I literally felt like I was looking in their eyes and crawling into their brains and being wrapped up in giant warm blankets made of love and future roles on award-winning cable dramas.

  December 16, 2013

  Okay, fucked-up motherfucker, apparently YOU called the cops on ME. I gotta admit, I was scared when they knocked on my door. An assault charge, you say? Not after I charmed the police officer and made the whole thing go away. Oh yeah. It pays to be fit and pretty in Hollywood, I will tell you that, which obviously we all already knew. I looked that cop in the eye, said I had no idea what he was talking about, and after a moment of blankly staring at me, he agreed and left. Ta-da!

  December 17, 2013

  I walked into an audition today, and before I even said anything, they just gave me the part. Is that weird?

  Shout-out to my pal at the UCLA platelet research center who’s been hooking me up.

  December 25, 2013

  Pip-Pip growled at me for no reason, and then he bit me. WTF? So I bit him back. Dogs are property, so this isn’t a crime. Right? Whatever. Come at me, cops. Merry Christmas.

  January 5, 2014

  Check out my Instagram before and after pics! From last fall, to today…it’s only been three months, but I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been. Faster now. Obviously we knew that being fit was 80% nutrition, or even 90%, with working out being important but not necessarily the thing you should concentrate on first; that’s why I tried so many different diets (vegetarian, vegan, just plain clean eating, etc.) before landing on paleo. But now that I’ve found this new thing, I don’t even work out any more and yet I keep getting stronger (and…let’s face it…better-looking). My body is sick—look at those abs!

  January 9, 2014

  Shout-out to the homeless guy who decided to say something incredibly crass, offensive, and unrepeatable even though I had just given you all of my change: I know you were probably mentally ill but that just means I put you out of your misery, right? And this morning I can suddenly deadlift 684 pounds. Pretty cool.

  I have a confession: I may discontinue this blog soon. Acting is really picking up and I’m just kind of busy lately. Or I may just take a break, or blog less; I’m not sure. Have any of you other bloggers ever felt like quitting? Let me know in the comments! (I’ve enabled them again. I’m not worried about spam or negativity because I can just sort of…think now that I don’t want that stuff to appear…and it doesn’t. That sounds crazy, I know, OR DOES IT? Manifest your dreams!)

  Stay healthy! Stay happy! :)

  January 17, 2014

  Giant, huge, big, awesome news! Can’t talk about it yet. Aaaaaaaa!!!!!

  January 27, 2014

  Okay, the press release is out so I can finally talk (I think I could have before, actually, and if anyone had gotten mad at me, let’s just say they wouldn’t have stayed mad) but…I got cast in a CW pilot! And I know some of you heard already because of all the congratulatory tweets/comments you’ve been throwing my way, and I’m so grateful for all of them, and I want to thank you all so much! And now the world can know! I’ll be playing a high school sophomore. HA, right? Playing a teenager at my age? I literally failed and quit the business, and now I’m back and playing a KID! But that’s how young I look. That’s how great I look. I’m finally confident enough to say that, by the way. I was always my own harshest critic before, but not anymore, and never again. Because why would I criticize perfection? I look great! I’m perfect. We are all perfect!

  The show hasn’t been picked up yet, but it will be. Get me in a room with the network execs, let me look them in the eyes…it will be. If I’m still blogging by May, I will tell you all about the upfronts parties! They still have those, right? I don’t even know anymore, I’ve been out of the game so long, but I’m back. I AM TOTALLY BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!

  Shout-out to my manager, who was so rude to disagree with me about whether or not I should change my hair color, but that just gave me an excuse to do what I did. You always loved Runyon Canyon, no reason you (well, most of you) shouldn’t stay there forever. And now I can sprint a 48-second mile! And lift a trailer! I’m serious, I tried it when I was at Paramount the other day. Next year when I’m filming a movie (I know this will happen), I’ll be able to move my trailer around with my bare hands if I feel like it. Hell, by then I’ll probably be able to move it with my brain.

  Stay healthy! Stay happy! Stay strong! Stay beautiful!

  Forever! :)

  About The Author

  Cherry Chevapravatdumrong is originally from Ann Arbor, Michigan. She is the author of two novels, She’s So Money and DupliKate, and a contributor to the anthology Open Mic: Riffs on Life Between Cultures in Ten Voices. Cherry currently serves as a writer/producer on the Fox animated series Family Guy. She lives in Los Angeles.

  Follow her on Twitter: @cherrycheva

  Follow her on Tumblr: cherrycheva.tumblr.com

  Visit her website: www.cherrycheva.com

  “Hallelujah”

  by Akela Cooper

  Mary kept her head to the floor as the leather belt struck her brown skin. That last hit was going to leave a horrible bruise—black, blue or purple. A few more licks and he should be finished. He was really mad at her tonight, putting his back into his punishment. He had torn her Sunday dress at the back; her mother was going to have to fix it. There was yet another hit coming. She tightened her position into a ball, tucking her head into her knees now. Biting her lip she tasted cold blood. She would not give him the satisfaction of screaming.

  She was more powerful than that.

  The belt struck the small of her back and she flinched. Her muscles were still aching from her trip in the forest last night.
Or as her father called it while he preached “fornicating with sin”. It wasn’t fair; she was just practicing her religious beliefs. He didn’t know any better than she did. He was as much a heathen to her as she was to him.

  Her mother stood, keeping watch in the kitchen doorway. She didn’t want the other children to see—or for Mary to run.

  The final blow came to her shoulder blade. The skin raised and in mere moments went from red to black. Mary raised her head in defiance. She met her father’s eyes.

  “Are you finished, Father?”

  “Only if you’ll swear child, that I won’t catch you doing your… your voodoo, any more!”

  She liked it when he said “voodoo”. He said it with the distaste of a white man. And that’s what he was turning into: a white man wrapped in black skin.

  “No, Father, you will not catch me again.”

  He wasn’t satisfied. The same as his white people were never satisfied. Raping and pillaging whatever they found. They were never pleased. Even though he had just beaten her, even though he would do it again, she felt sorry for him. He was assimilating himself into a culture that wanted nothing to do with him. A culture that would rather see him hanged than see him succeed.