Love Me by Christmas

by Jaci Burton

  He'd told her he loved her. And then she'd reacted by making love to him, when she'd told herself it wouldn't happen again.

  And it had been perfect.

  She was in love with Nick. She was in love with John's brother.

  What would Steven and Laura think? They'd be horrified to think that she'd gone from one of their sons to another. It made her seem like some kind of...of...

  She didn't even know what the terminology was for what she was doing. Gold digger didn't fit since money wasn't in the picture, though she had moved right into Nick's house after John had died. And now, five years later, she was still here. Not that Nick was financially supporting her. She paid half the bills, paid for her own car, paid all of Henry's expenses, but still...

  She rested her head in her hands, feeling a massive headache coming on.

  She needed to move out. That would solve one issue. Because there was no way she was going to be able to keep her hands off Nick anymore if she stayed. She loved him. She wanted to be with him, and how was he going to have a life of his own if she was constantly clinging to him?

  He'd told her he loved her, but her conscience couldn't allow that. She was just conveniently there. Once she was gone, he'd see that.

  It was time to carve out some independence for herself, anyway. Well past time, actually. She looked over at Henry, who was happily entranced with his new toys.

  She opened up her laptop and did a search for real estate. She'd want a place near Henry's preschool and by the hospital to make it convenient for her. She typed in the parameters and it brought up several houses for sale.

  She scrolled through the listings, stopping at a few to look at the particulars. One wasn't bad. It was a three-bedroom, two-bath brick home, only ten years old. It had a nice backyard for Henry, was in a great school district and near the hospital. She set up an account on the website and saved the house.

  Henry laughed and she looked up to see him playing with his new train set. She glanced around the house, realizing how much this place had become home to her over the past five years. She loved the kitchen with its big double sink, loved the island, where she and Henry would often bake cookies together.

  She loved the living room with its big fireplace that kept them all toasty warm in the winter. And Henry's room was so spacious and perfect with room for him to grow. The backyard had a jungle gym set and a sandbox and Henry loved playing out there. And as she looked over at her son, she realized this was the only home he had ever known.

  But he was a child, and he'd be happy as long as he was with her, right?

  Then she realized she'd gotten through Christmas Eve without falling apart. For the first time in five years, since the night John had died, she hadn't sat in her room and cried. In fact, last night, Christmas Eve, she'd been making love with Nick instead of thinking about the husband she'd lost five years ago.

  What was wrong with her? It was so important that she keep John's memory alive for Henry. And she couldn't do that if she was in love with someone else.

  She was doing the right thing.

  The door opened, so she closed her laptop and got up from the table.

  "Grandpa!" Henry got up and threw his arms around Steven.

  "Henry, it's so good to see you. Merry Christmas."

  "Santa came, Grandpa. Hi, Grandma. I got new trains. And books. And clothes and new Legos and action figures and games."

  "Merry Christmas, Henry," Laura said, bending down to give him a hug.

  "Merry Christmas, you two," Ellie said, coming over to hug both Steven and Laura. "I'm so glad you're here."

  "We've missed you, Ellie," Steven said. "You look good."

  "Thank you. So do you."

  Steven was a mix of both John and Nick, just an older version. He wore glasses like John but had darker hair like Nick, though his was mixed with gray now. He was tall and bulky, but like Nick, he still bore a lot of muscle from his days working as a plumber.

  Laura, on the other hand, was curvy and vivacious and wore her dark brown hair short. She was wearing skinny jeans and a red sweater, along with a beautiful pair of brown leather boots.

  "I love the boots, Laura."

  "Do you? Thank you. I got them last month and I've worn them constantly. They're so comfortable."

  "Would you like something to drink?"

  "Coffee for me," Steven said, sitting on the sofa as Henry brought him his collection of trains.

  "Ditto," Nick said, slanting a half smile in her direction.

  "Coming right up," she said, trying not to feel that ever-present flutter of butterflies whenever Nick gave her that look.

  She had to be strong. For Henry.

  "I'll come with you," Laura said as Ellie made her way into the kitchen.

  Ellie put water into the coffeemaker to brew a fresh pot, then poured herself a tall glass of water, because for some reason her throat had gone dry.

  "How's everything going?" Laura asked.

  "Oh, about the same as always. Work and Henry."

  Laura took a seat at the table while Ellie poured her a cup of coffee, then took two cups into the living room for Nick and Steven.

  "Thank you, honey," Steven said.

  "Yeah, thank you, honey," Nick said, giving her that teasing smile again that made her stomach do flip-flops.

  "You're funny, Uncle Nick," Henry said.

  "You think so, buddy?" Nick asked.

  "Yeah. You called Momma honey."

  "That's because she's sweet."

  "She's not sweet. She's Momma."

  Nick laughed, then gave Ellie that look again. If he kept looking at her like that, she was going to have to change out of her sweater and into a short-sleeved shirt.

  She took a seat at the kitchen table and turned to Laura. "Tell me what's going on with you and Steven."

  "Same as always. Though we're thinking about a trip to Europe in the spring."

  "Really? That sounds exciting."

  "It is. I didn't think I'd ever get Steven to agree to it, but you know how long I've wanted to see England and France and Italy. And I promised Steven he could tour all those golf courses in Scotland."

  Ellie smiled over the rim of her water glass. "Obviously the deciding factor for him, huh?"

  Laura laughed. "Obviously."

  Ellie knew how much Steven loved to golf, so she wasn't at all surprised about that.

  "Dating anyone?" Laura asked.

  Ellie nearly choked on her water. "Me? No. Of course not."

  "Why 'of course not'? It's been five years, Ellie."

  "I know."

  Laura reached her hand over and squeezed Ellie's. "No one loved that boy more than I did. Losing him devastated me. I know how much it did you, too. But I also knew him well, and he was more generous and giving than anyone I've ever known. And what he'd want for you is to be happy. And what that means, honey, is for you to have a life beyond him. A love beyond him."

  She never expected to have this conversation with John's mother. "I've been working on it. It's...hard."

  "I know it is. But you can't hold on to him forever. Let him go, Ellie."

  Tears pricked her eyes. Laura could say that now, but she didn't think she'd understand if she told her she'd fallen in love with Nick. So instead, she just nodded. "I'll try."

  Nick came into the kitchen with a wide smile, but as soon as he saw the tears in Ellie's eyes, he frowned. "Hey, what's going on?"

  She shook her head. "Nothing. It's all good. You know how misty-eyed I get when your parents come to visit."

  He looked at her like he didn't believe her. But he shifted into a grin. "Yeah, I totally understand. My parents often made me cry, too."

  "Hey," his mother said.

  He laughed, then leaned over and kissed his mom on the cheek. "Love you, Mom."

  They put Steven and Laura's things into the guest room. Henry was hyped up about having his grandparents visit and spent the first hour talking their ears off. When Ellie went back to w
orking on their Christmas dinner, Laura offered to help. Nick helped, too, and when it was time to carve the turkey, Nick was the one to take care of that.

  Ellie pushed aside all big thoughts and concentrated instead on enjoying family. It felt so good to have all of them sitting at the dining room table enjoying Christmas dinner together.

  "Dinner was so good, Ellie," Steven said as he pushed back from the table and rubbed his stomach. "I might not eat again until tomorrow."

  "Or until pie is served," Laura said with a knowing smile.

  "Or until pie is served," Steven repeated with a grin.

  "What kind of pie are we having, Momma?" Henry asked.

  "Pumpkin and pecan and apple."

  Henry gave her a wide-eyed look. "And I can have all of them?"

  Nick laughed. "No, buddy. You get to choose one."

  Henry frowned. "Not fair."

  Steven ruffled Henry's hair. "And so reality begins."

  Ellie laughed. "You don't like pecan or pumpkin pie, Henry. Remember how apple pie is your favorite?"

  Henry scrunched up his adorable face as he considered that. "Oh, yeah. With ice cream, right?"

  Ellie nodded. "With ice cream."

  They all cleared the table and put the leftovers away. Nick and Steven worked on washing dishes while Henry helped put the dried dishes away. At least the unbreakable ones. As far as Ellie was concerned, it was never too early for a boy to learn that he could be useful in the kitchen.

  Then it was time for pie and ice cream and coffee.

  "You outdid yourself this year, Ellie," Laura said as they cleared the dessert dishes.

  "Thank you. I've enjoyed the past couple of days. Not only did I have time off work, but it gave me a chance to do some holiday cooking."

  "I'm sure you don't have a lot of time for cooking, being busy with your job and with Henry."

  She dried her hands on the dish towel, then leaned against the sink. "I have more free time than a lot of single mothers, thanks to Nick. He picks up a lot of the slack."

  Laura smiled and glanced into the living room, where Nick and Steven sat on the floor with Henry, putting together one of Henry's train sets. "He is pretty great, isn't he?"

  Ellie suddenly wondered if Laura might be thinking the exact same thing that Ellie had been thinking lately--that she'd been taking advantage of Nick for far too long now. "I'm going to move out," she blurted.

  Laura's eyes widened in alarm. "What? Why?"

  "Because it's time for Nick to move on with his life, and he can't do that with Henry and me living here."

  Laura crossed her arms over her chest. "Has Nick complained about you living here?"

  "No. Never. But I just feel like...it's been five years. And like you said, it's time for me to move on. I need to do that for Henry." Saying the words out loud made her heart ache, and she couldn't help but look into the living room at Nick with Henry.

  "I see. And have you mentioned this to Nick yet?"

  She dragged her gaze away from Nick and planted it back on Laura. "No, not yet. I will after the holidays. I've already been looking at houses."

  "You have?"

  She forced a smile she didn't feel. "Yes. This will all work out great."

  Laura looked into the living room, then back at Ellie. "I hope it does, honey. I really hope it does."

  Henry was asleep. Nick's parents had gone to bed and Ellie was taking a bath. Nick had finished the last of the dishes and was putting water in the coffeemaker because he knew his dad was an early riser, so he wanted to make sure all Dad had to do was push the button in the morning.

  He got out a cup and went to set the sugar bowl near the coffeemaker, but his hand bumped the side and a little sugar spilled onto Ellie's laptop.

  "Shit," he whispered. He grabbed a paper towel and swiped the sugar off her laptop, then opened it up to make sure none of it had gotten inside.

  The screen booted up and he caught sight of a house. He saw that it was a real estate listing, a house near the hospital. He read the details. It was a perfect location for someone looking to find a place with a great school district, one that was near Henry's current preschool as well as located near the hospital where Ellie worked.

  "Hey, did you make coffee?"

  Ellie came out wearing her Christmas pajamas. Red ones, with the Grinch on them. Her hair was pulled into a high ponytail, her cheeks flushed. Her feet were bare and her toenails were painted bright red. And dammit, he wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her until the blush on her cheeks was from something other than a warm bath.

  But right now he had questions that needed answers.

  "I spilled some sugar on your laptop so I opened it up to brush it off."

  She looked at the laptop, then back at him. "Nick."

  "Why are you searching real estate listings, Ellie?"

  She chewed her bottom lip, a sure signal she wanted to evade the question. "Just...looking at redecorating ideas."

  "That's such a load of bullshit."

  She sighed. "Okay, fine. I'm going to find a place of my own and then Henry and I are going to move out."

  She couldn't have hurt him more if she'd have shoved a knife in his heart. It took him a second to catch his breath. "Why?"

  She looked at the laptop, not at him. "Because...because it's time."

  "Time for what?"

  "Time for me to be independent, to forge a life for Henry and for myself."

  His stomach churned. "And you can't do that here?"

  She finally looked at him. "No. I can't."

  That pain he felt got deeper, as if he could feel his heart bleeding. "What happened between you and me has something to do with this decision, right?"

  She shook her head. "No. I don't know. Maybe. Yes. What you and I did was a wake-up call for me. I need a new life, Nick. You need a new life. You need to move on with yours and I need to move on with mine. All you and I are doing is holding on to the past--with each other."

  With every word she spoke, she gutted him. "So what you're saying is that while you and I were making love, you were thinking about John?"

  Her eyes widened in horror. "No. Oh, God, Nick. No. Never."

  "Then what the hell are you saying?"

  "I don't know. Other than I don't think we're good for each other. I need...I need a new life. A fresh start. And you need to get out from under the responsibility of taking care of Henry and me. We have to get away from each other so we can see..."

  He waited. She didn't say anything.

  "See what?"

  "Nothing. I just need to move out. Please try and understand."

  "I am trying to understand, Ellie. I thought you and I had something."

  She paused for a few seconds, then looked down at her feet. "You thought wrong."

  "That's the biggest load of crap you've ever shoveled my way, Ellie Washington."

  She looked surprised. "It is not."

  "The hell it isn't. You know, one of the things I've always admired about you--the reason I fell in love with you--is because you're one of the strongest women I've ever known. I've never known anyone to bounce back stronger than you did when John died. God knows it was the hardest thing a woman could have to endure. There you were, pregnant and grieving, and you still went to work and carried a baby and gave birth and cradled and nurtured your son while mourning the loss of the man you loved. The brother I loved. And I had a front row seat for all of it."

  She looked down at her feet. "I had you to help me through it."

  He shook his head. "You'd have done fine without me to help you through it. Because you're a strong woman. Until now."

  Her head whipped up at his words.

  "Now you have a chance to grab happiness again--to have love again--and you're running from it, Ellie. And even worse, you're lying not only to me but to yourself."

  He moved toward her, wanting to make sure she felt a fraction of what he felt. He stopped right in front of her, so close their bodies nearly to
uched. "What you and I have isn't just sex, Ellie. It isn't fleeting. It's five years of heartache and real feelings. You have a man who loves you and who loves your son and is waiting to give you a lifetime of love and happiness. And I'm pissed as hell that you're willing to throw it all away because you're too damn afraid to grab on to it for all it's worth.

  "And frankly, I'm damn disappointed in you. I thought you were stronger than this. So you wanna run? Then go. I won't ask a woman to stay with me, to be with me, who isn't strong enough to fight for me or for what we could have together."

  He backed away and moved to the other side of the table to get out of the kitchen, keeping as far away from Ellie as possible.

  He'd always thought he could read her, could tell what she was thinking by the look in her eyes.

  Tonight her eyes had been shifty and filled with lies. He didn't know what the hell she'd been thinking.

  He'd been so wrong about her.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Normally Ellie enjoyed taking time off work. But the couple of days she'd taken off for the holidays had been brutal, so she was happy to be back. She'd enjoyed spending time with Nick's parents, of course, but there had been such a strain between Nick and her it had been unbearable. Nick's parents were staying for a week, and he'd taken some time off to spend with them and with Henry, which was great for them.

  Ellie, on the other hand, couldn't handle being around Nick, and she was certain he was going to tell his parents about their conversation.

  She knew she'd hurt him. It had devastated her to tell him the lies she'd told him.

  Not that he'd believed her lies, anyway. The one thing she could always count on with Nick was his ability to read her, to know her like no one ever had. He'd seen right through her. He knew how she really felt.

  Not that it made any difference.

  It was best for both of them to start fresh, to see where they could go without each other.

  Without each other. Just the thought of it caused a stab of pain in her heart.

  "Ellie, you have a new patient checking in to room two twenty-four," Fran said as she came into the break room. "Marion said to tell you she'll be up from checkin in about fifteen minutes."

  "Okay, thanks." She blew out a breath.

  Fran plopped on the sofa next to her. "Long day?"