Excited for what though?
That was the sad part.
No. That wasn’t the sad part.
The sad part was me, Stevie, and Bobby all kept looking at each other, wondering what the hell we were supposed to do for a high. It was such a messed up situation because we were all so worked up, that we all wanted a smoke or something, but that wasn’t going to happen because of what happened to Brad.
I couldn’t sit at the hospital all night.
I left with Stevie and Bobby pissed at me.
There was no point in driving around either.
I wanted to walk. To burn off everything I felt.
More so… I went back to the apartment to get the necklace for Elena.
Word would spread about the attack on Brad. By Monday it would be the biggest news in school.
But I wanted something bigger to happen.
Tonight was going to be the night of change for me.
No more of that bullshit.
Brad getting roughed up was going to be the eye-opening lesson for me.
That meant I was going to be completely sober when I faced Elena and told her I loved her. When I gave her the necklace. When I told her she would always be everything to me and I would do anything for her for the rest of my life just to make her smile. I knew she felt somewhat the same about me. The whole Chad thing was more for show than anything else. She was the super pretty and super smart girl with the broken home. And he was the perfect athlete with tough guy looks and a perfect family. That’s why they worked. She looked good hanging off his arm. He looked good as though he was saving her from the hell her mother created.
And while I was nothing to anyone, I wanted to be everything to Elena. Whatever she wanted, I would make it happen. Any dream of hers would become a dream of mine.
Like with her writing.
She was so good at it. She had won contests with her writing. Yet nobody believed in it. Her mother insisted on a career. Which seemed so hypocritical since her mother just sort of figured out her own career not that long ago. Everyone thought Di was such a good person for taking care of herself, but what was the fucking point when Elena was graduating?
The anger continued to build inside me.
I crossed the street and stopped. Right up there before the bend was Elena’s house. I took a second to realize something.
I had no idea where my mother was.
It wasn’t a shock or anything, it was just a sad truth.
I pulled the necklace out of my pocket and bit my lip as I looked at it. I dangled it from my middle finger and watched the sunflower gently twist left to right.
It wasn’t diamonds. It wasn’t fancy.
But I knew it would matter to her.
Elena wasn’t the kind of girl that needed fancy things or diamonds.
I was nervous as I walked up the street, my hand clutched tightly around the necklace. I rehearsed in my mind what I could say to her. I could go really cool and calm and just tell her I found the necklace and thought of her. That I liked her. That she was my best friend. Or I could go for it all and tell her I loved her. And then offer to put the necklace on her. Watch her move her hair out of the way to let me fight with the little clasp on the chain. And then maybe inch forward and kiss her neck.
Oh, that thought drove my mind crazy.
I collected my thoughts as I got closer to her house.
I first walked by the house, so I could check the driveway. With my fingers crossed, I saw that her mother wasn’t home. Not that her mother would stop me from coming over. In some weird way, I kept thinking her mother wanted me and Elena together. She would make comments about it. She would offer for us to be alone. She would come up with excuses to tell Chad. That was the hardest part about Elena’s mother. Di would be off the walls crazy one second and then your best friend the next.
As I turned before the bend to make my way back down to the house, the front door opened.
I stopped, sidestepping into the neighbor’s front yard to stay hidden.
I never used the front door. I always used the side door next to the driveway. I’d walk right into the kitchen, announce my arrival, and hit the fridge for a drink or a snack.
Chad apparently used the front door.
He stood on the porch on his phone. It wasn’t my business to hear the conversation, but I swore I heard him use the word baby a few times. And not in a dickhead voice like he was talking to his baseball goons.
The door opened again, and Chad quickly ended his call and tucked his phone into his back pocket.
There was Elena.
She was in super short shorts. Like pajama shorts. And a tank top that rose up, exposing skin. She looked like a fucking dream… a wet dream…
I crouched down and crept forward so I could hear what was happening.
“I’ve gotta go,” Chad said to her. “Baseball meeting or some shit.”
“Okay,” Elena said.
She moved her left hand and I saw a pack of cigarettes. She put the pack on the porch railing and took a cigarette out. Before she could get it into her mouth, Chad smacked her wrist, knocking it out of her hand.
“That shit’s nasty, Elena,” he said.
“Half the stuff you do is nasty too,” Elena said.
Chad stepped forward and crushed the cigarette under his foot.
“What the hell?” Elena yelled.
He touched her face.
While I didn’t like Elena smoking, it was her choice. Who the hell was Chad to tell her not to do that? All the dumb things he did…
“I love you, baby,” Chad said to her.
“I love you too,” Elena said.
Chad moved in for a kiss and I slowly stood up. I watched as he purposely knocked the pack of cigarettes off the railing into the bush in the front yard. I watched as this jerk off guy kissed the girl I had loved for so long.
I’d never heard her say it before… I love you.
But she said it. To Chad. And they were kissing.
Chad turned her and pinned her against the railing.
Her shorts pulled up even more on her long legs. His hand touched her waist and pushed at her tank top, moving it up.
And just like that, he broke the kiss and walked away.
I stepped back to hide myself better.
Chad walked down the sidewalk I had walked up. It took him all of ten seconds to take out his phone and make a call.
My eyes moved to the front porch of Elena’s house just in time to see the front door shut.
I walked forward and went to her house. I foolishly dug through the bushes to find the pack of cigarettes and placed them on the porch.
I love you too…
She really said that to him. She really loved him.
The sight of them kissing… their mouths together. Her hands touching his face. His hands touching her sides. The fact that she was in pajamas… it made me wonder if they had just finished up… you know…
I opened my hand and looked down at the sunflower necklace.
I wasn’t going to be that guy.
The last thing I needed was to lose Elena.
I had her the way I had her, which was good enough for now. It had to be good enough.
I walked away from her house with my heart in my throat. I blinked back tears, my feelings all mixed up. My mother gone again. Brad almost getting killed. Elena telling Chad she loved him.
At the corner, I looked down and saw the storm drain. Without thinking, I flicked my wrist and watched as the sunflower necklace hit the drain and disappeared. It was there and gone within a second.
Just like everything else in my life.
27
So Many Times Before
ELENA
(now)
“It was never supposed to be like this,” Adam said as he stood outside, leaning against the railing of the deck.
I was finally dressed, standing a few feet behind him, my mind still trying to comprehend everything that was happeni
ng. I finally got away from Chad and wanted it that way for the rest of my life. Only to then find a pill bottle that belonged to Adam, bringing to my realization that he was still battling some demons that went all the way back to high school.
From one fire into another, Elena…
“And what’s that mean?” I asked him.
“Everything,” Adam said. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Elena. I was just living here. Existing here. Keeping the diner running for the town. To make sure Judy could work and retire happily. To make sure Shannon had a job to help take care of her kid. That’s the purpose of the diner. And then one day I come home and you’re sitting on my steps, smoking a cigarette, crying.”
“Blame me then,” I said.
Adam turned. “No, sugar. I blame myself. And you.”
“Great,” I said. “Then say what you want. Because now there’s some kid in the hospital… shot? Because he was… what… a drug dealer?”
“Don’t say it like that,” he said. “Christ. This makes me think of Brad. All that shit he did. That time he almost got himself killed.”
“You’re a fucking adult, Adam. Stop going into the past.”
“It’s all I have of you,” he said. “It’s all I ever wanted. Everything after the night the car hit me has been shit. Okay? My entire world revolved around you and without you, there’s nothing.”
“I’m standing right here,” I said. “I’ve been here for how long now? And you’re still messing with that stuff. You could never have a night where you didn’t get high. And you’re doing the same as an adult.”
“I loved you,” he said. “I protected you. I had to stand there and watch you…”
He shook his head.
He made a move toward the steps and took them two at a time.
I chased after him, all the way down to the water’s edge.
“What do you want me to do right now?” I asked him. “Build a time machine and fix all your feelings?”
“No, sugar, that’s not how life works. Okay? Every time you stubbed your toe, you came running to me. I listened to you. I talked to you. I held you. Goddammit, Elena, I fucking loved you. So much and so hard. We walked around this lake together while your boyfriend was busy with other girls. I held your hand in these woods. I busted up the diner’s sign because I was so pent up with jealousy and love for you.”
“And what did you do about it?” I asked. “Huh? You’re going to bring back feelings from high school as though it’s relevant now?”
“To me, it is,” Adam said. “Because you’re here now. But for how long? How long before you leave again, Elena? That’s all I keep wondering.”
“How long until I run back to Chad, right?”
“Maybe.”
“So, you’re going to take fucking pills that you don’t need so you can hide… that’s what you’re saying?”
“I’m in pain, Elena,” he said. “Real pain.”
“But what you’re doing is wrong.”
“I know that. I’m going to fix it.”
“Of course you are. Why? Because I found out what you’ve been hiding? Or because some kid got shot?”
Adam’s nostrils flared with anger. “Did you ever feel anything for me?”
“You really want to keep talking about the past?”
“Maybe I do.”
“You know what? Fine. I loved you too, Adam. I just didn’t understand what it meant. Because it was really real for me. I went with the motions in life that I’ll always regret. I’ve told you everything about myself and my life. And I thought coming here…”
I stopped and shook my head.
“Yeah,” Adam said. “You thought. You just assumed I would be the same person. I would take you in and fix your broken heart again. And I did. And you know what? I always will. I could go off and marry someone and if you showed up, I’d be in love with you in a second. That’s what you do to me. And in my path… all I’ve done is leave things fucked up. I didn’t try to save Janet when I had the chance. I feel like I killed her. Okay? And now… Chris…”
Adam started to walk.
I sidestepped to block his way.
His hands touched my face instantly and he kissed me.
But then he broke away. “I’m sorry, sugar. This is all a big fucking lie. I tried to give you the life you deserve. I tried to be everything you wanted and needed. What I saw myself being to you for years. And look where it got me. Where it got you. Where it got us. So maybe it all worked out the right way then. Me forever taking care of your heart while someone else took care of the rest of you.”
“And what does that mean, Adam?”
“Maybe it’s my turn to walk away for once. I can stand losing you again, Elena. I can swallow the pain and find a way through it.”
“By what? Taking pills? Going to find a new high? Is that who you really are, Adam? After all these years… the feelings. The love. The regret. The pain. Waiting for you for so long. Fine. Go.”
“It’s not that simple, Elena.”
“I never said it was,” I said. “I never meant to just break into your life and mess it up so badly.”
“It was this way before you showed up.”
“And my life was the same,” I said. “The second I realized what Chad had done, you were the first person I thought of. Whether that’s right or wrong, I don’t know. I blame myself for what Chad did because I always loved you. I always thought you were going to find your true happiness. Because all those times we were together, I felt the same way you did. And I never did anything. I waited for you. For you to cross the line… and the night you did…”
“Yeah, I remember that night,” Adam said. “I got hit by a fucking car. My shoulder is still fucked up because of it. And my heart the same. Because of you.”
He started to walk again.
This time I stood in place.
He stopped and looked over his shoulder. “I love you, Elena. I love you more than anything in this world. I love you in a way that no other person ever can or will. But maybe that isn’t a promise of forever for us though. Maybe it’s just an easy ticket for heartache.”
I didn’t respond to his words.
Tears filled my eyes and tickled my cheeks.
All those days. All those nights. Everything he did for me. Saving me more times than he’d ever truly know. I never knew what to do about that though. Or how to do anything. It all felt determined…
I heard the sound of his truck starting and he drove fast, spinning his tires as he left.
“I love you so much, Adam,” I whispered.
Maybe we could stand losing each other again.
Like we had done so many times before.
* * *
“Write it all out.”
Those were Lucy’s favorite words to say to me. I thought about quitting writing after Chad had to give up baseball. Our entire world had collapsed in the blink of an eye. His injury. The surgery. Realizing he’d never play baseball again. It sent him spiraling into a dark depression that I respected. I had to be at his side almost twenty-four-seven. And when the depression got worse, he started to take medication the wrong way. I always thought he wanted to kill himself. But I never had the courage to ask him if that’s what he wanted to do.
In other words, I had to basically babysit Chad. I had to keep him from hurting himself. I had to all but rebuild him into a functional adult.
But when it was dark… it was dark.
I turned to Lucy and she would tell me to write it all out. To take that darkness and that pain and turn it into something beautiful. At that time, no matter what I wrote, it never felt right. It felt forced and twisted. Because in some way, in the back of my mind, all I wanted to do was call Adam and hear his voice. I wanted him to tell me it was going to be okay. I wanted him to tell me some stupid joke for a quick laugh.
And I hated myself for it.
Chad was in the darkest place of his life and I was sitting at a desk, forcing words, hiding my fe
elings.
It was all I could think about as I sat at the desk in the loft of Adam’s house.
I wasn’t sure if I belonged there or not.
I stared at my laptop screen, unable to type.
Lucy wanted more words from me. She wanted this story. And it had been coming to me so fast for so long. But now there was an ending in front of me that I didn’t want to write about. I didn’t want the ending to be Adam and I not together. I could write anything I wanted to fix the ending on paper, but in life… it wasn’t that simple.
I shut the laptop and stood up.
Before I knew what I was doing, I had my bag packed up and was basically running out of the house. My mind wouldn’t stop flashing with images. All the times watching Adam get high. Those rare times when he wasn’t high and it was just us. Those were nights I fell in love and wanted to tell him that. Now it was all these years later and it felt the same. He was hiding from his own pain, like he used to do about his mother. And I was running to him to hide from my pain, like I did when my mother or Chad did something to me.
And that meant one thing to me.
We each had to face the truth.
Alone.
“Alone,” I whispered as I wiped a tear off my cheek.
I sat in the driver’s seat of my car and thought about the day I showed up.
I had just been driving. Just to get away from that fake house and fake life I had with Chad. I ended up at Adam’s, as though it were supposed to be a shock. But it was where I wanted to be. It never hit me once that I was going to mess up Adam’s life. Or that I was stepping into all of his problems. I had gotten mad at him for talking about the past, yet I wanted it just as badly.
But the past was gone.
We were only promised today and nothing else.
I pulled away from Adam’s house and drove by the diner.
The night he threw those rocks and shattered the letters to make it say Butt Kiss Diner… that was the night I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anyone in my life. That was the night something really changed inside me. And it paved the way to the night of my graduation party. When he kissed me, that was our chance to either run away together or run up to my bedroom to finish what had been started.
IMAGINE US: by: Page 25
