Zombie Lover

by Piers Anthony

“I'm sure that we would find it as odd in Xanth,” King Ivy said.

  Bink wondered whether it could possibly be stranger yet on Pyramid. They would soon be finding out.

  Then the three kings held hands, faced Pyramid, and thought small.

  Chapter 5

  GOOD MAGICIAN

  At dawn Breanna reached the vicinity of the Good Magician's Castle. She could tell, because there was a sign saying VICINITY OF GOOD MAGICIAN'S CASTLE. But then the path petered out, leaving only interspersed forest and field.

  She stopped at the end of the path, perplexed. How could this be the place, if there was nothing here?

  She ticked off possible reasons on her ringers. One: this was a fake sign, and this was not the right vicinity. But everything else suggested that it was right, because she had seen other signs saying things like GMC NEXT LEFT, GMC obviously being the abbreviation for Good Magician's Castle. GMC HALF HOUR'S WALK. This was an enchanted path, so the signs should be accurate.

  Two: maybe the castle had moved. But then there should be a forwarding address or detour sign. There wasn't. Three: this was a challenge. But in that case— She paused, her refutation foundering before getting established. She knew that challenges could be anything, and were generally tailored to the folk who sought to bother the Good Magician with their stupid Questions. She was a person who liked to be forthright, to go straight to the person she wanted, to tackle a problem directly. What could be a bigger challenge for her, than not to be able to find the one she sought?

  “Very well, Good Magician,” she muttered. “You want to play Hide & Seek. I'll play your stupid game. But I'll bleeping well expect value for my effort.” She had learned not to try to swear; she could do it, being originally Mundane, but nasty effects tended to occur as the surrounding atmosphere of the Adult Conspiracy tried to suppress it. The De Censor Ship couldn't be everywhere at once, unfortunately, so until someone—maybe Breanna herself, in due course—mounted a successful campaign to suppress the Adult Conspiracy, it remained in force. Native Xanthians were inducted into the Conspiracy as they came of age, and thereafter made 180-degree turns and supported what they had opposed as children. It was ludicrous hypocrisy. But Breanna wasn't native, and there was nothing for her to learn that was going to blow her mind. It had been blown before she was six years old, when she got into her cousin's porno collection. So she would not change sides when she passed eighteen. Then, armed with the awful power of adult initiative, she would see what she wanted to do.

  All of which was halfway irrelevant at the moment. Right now she had to find the castle. So how should she go about it?

  First, she had to figure out just where the castle was. Had it been buried underground? She didn't see any sign of heavy construction. Of course with magic there might not be any telltale marks. Still, that seemed like an awful lot of trouble just to make one minor questioner pause. So probably the castle hadn't been buried or moved, just hidden.

  So how was it hidden? That was easy: with illusion. Illusion was cheap and versatile and effective, sort of the basic currency of Xanth. So the castle must be right there, somewhere in front of her, but made to look like part of the forest. The path probably went right to it, but illusion covered the path, making it look like untouched forest floor. She could probably walk right along the path, feeling it with her feet.

  She tried it. Sure enough, there was a path where it looked as if it ended. Her feet became invisible at the ankles, so it looked as if she were ankle deep in forest loam. Illusion covered reality.

  She continued—and suddenly stepped off the hidden path and lost her balance, almost falling. The path had curved, while she hadn't. So she backed off, looked around, and found a stick she could use as a cane. Then she walked into the illusion again, tapping ahead of her in the manner of a blind person, making sure the path was there before she stepped on it.

  Then it ended, again. She tapped all around, but there was no continuing path. Yet she was sure it was there, because she had been right about the illusion; why have illusion cover a few feet of a path that ended soon anyway? So what was going on?

  A moment's thought brought an answer: it must be more illusion. Illusion wasn't limited to sight; it could be sound or touch too. So now the illusion had been expanded to touch; she could no longer feel the path.

  So what could she do? Walk through the area in a criss-cross pattern, hoping to bump into the castle? She'd probably just fall into the moat and get gobbled by the moat monster. So that wasn't the best idea. She needed a way to penetrate the illusion, to know exactly where the castle was, even if she couldn't see or feel it.

  This was a real problem. Her experience seeing in the dark had gotten her used to never being blind. Now, suddenly, she was really sightless. The good magician had targeted her pretty well, finding her weakness, that she hadn't realized until now.

  She would have to do some heavier pondering. She sat down in the illusion, seeing her bottom disappear, and leaned back against a tree. And fell flat on her back. The tree was illusion!

  She scrambled back to her feet, dusted herself off, and walked back beyond the fringe of illusion. Then she sat down again and leaned against a real tree. She closed her eyes, trying to make her brain work better. But she seemed to have run out of creative notions.

  “Hello.”

  Breanna looked up without opening her eyes. There stood a black horse. “Oh, hello, Imbri. Did you bring me a daydream?”

  Mare Imbri assumed woman form so she could talk more readily. “I'm actually on business for that other party I had to attend, and saw you here. Are you all right?”

  “Mixed. I'm in the middle of a challenge, and it's getting the better of me.”

  “Oh, this is your challenge? I thought it was mine. Or Justin's.

  The invisible castle.”

  “Well. I thought it was mine. Who's Justin?”

  “Justin Tree. He was a man who opposed the Evil Magician, the year Chameleon was delivered, seventy six years ago, and was transformed into a tree. He's been there by the North Village ever since.”

  “The Evil Magician?” Breanna asked blankly.

  “That's what he was called. Later he assumed power, and became known as King Trent, now retired.

  “King Trent! Him I have heard of. The transformer. But why didn't he transform Justin back into a man?”

  “Justin didn't want it. He was satisfied as a tree. For one thing. he would be pretty old now, as a man, but remains in his prime as a tree. But still, he misses the adventure of being a man, of traveling fighting, loving, and so on. So he would like to have that. But he wants to remain a tree.

  Breanna shook her head. “How can a tree have an adventure?”

  “That's what he wants to ask the Good Magician. So I agreed to carry his dream to Humfrey. But I can't find the castle.”

  Breanna laughed. “Now wouldn't that be an irony. If I struggled to conquer a challenge that wasn't even meant for me. Or you did. Or Justin Tree did. So how do we know who it's for?”

  Imbri looked thoughtful. “It might be for all three. A general purpose challenge, and the one who gets past it and the others gets his Question Answered.”

  “I don't want to compete with anyone. I don't want to freeze your friend out by taking it myself, or to get frozen out. Does it have to be one or the other?”

  “I'm not sure. Sometimes two or more folk come as a group, and the challenge applies to all of them.

  “Then maybe we should cooperate. Combine our resources. Can Justin do that, if he's not really here?”

  “Yes, because I am carrying his dream. His body isn't here, but his mind is. In fact, if he has to handle challenges, he'll need help, because he can't actually do anything here. “

  “Then why don't I be the body, and he can be the mind? Because I'm sure stymied on this invisible castle. If he can help me here. maybe I can help him on the next challenge. And when we get in. we can both demand Answers.”

  Imbri flickered, and
Breanna knew she was checking with the tree. “Yes, he agrees. I told him of your situation with Xeth Zombie, and your desire to escape. He understands. So I will put you in touch with each other, via my dreams.: Then Breanna saw a tree. It was growing in a glade near a village and it was a handsome specimen of its kind, whatever kind that was. This was Justin. “Hello. I am Breanna of the Black Wave.” A face formed in the foliage, making the whole tree seem to be a head on a trunk of a neck. This was Imbri's design.

  “Hello I am Justin Tree “ His voice in the dream seemed vaguely archaic and vegetative.

  “So you want to tackle this challenge together? I'm stumped. Uh, excuse the expression.”

  The face smiled. “No problem. May I use your eyes?”

  “That depends. I need them myself.”

  “I merely wish to look through them, to see what you see, so I can assess the problem I merely need you to look in directions I request, on occasion “

  “Oh. Okay. As long as it doesn't hurt.”

  “It would be a shame to hurt such a pretty young woman “

  There was something about this tree she liked. He seemed not to be aware of her color or her age, and he didn't mind associating with her gender. “So where do you want me to look?”

  “Perhaps I should explain I have had some time viewing a forest scene, and have learned something about it. There is the phenomenon of parallax, in which distant objects seem to change their positions as the viewer moves “

  “Oh, sure, that happens all the time,” Breanna agreed. “So what?”

  “It may be possible to use it to penetrate the illusion Because illusions are normally two dimensional, while reality is three dimensional “

  “Well, I guess so. But if you look through my eyes right now, you'll see that it's bleeping convincing illusion.” She opened her eyes. “I don't care whether it's one dimensional or ten dimensional it's covering up what I need to see.”

  “Yes, I do see But if we can define exactly where the illusion is, we should know where the castle is “

  “I don't get it. But if you have a way, go to it.”

  “If you will walk back and forth while looking in the direction you think the castle is. I can test my theory “

  So Breanna got up and walked back and forth, staring in the direction the path went before it faded. It seemed pointless, but she had nothing better to offer.

  “Yes “ Justin said. “I see it”

  “See what?”

  “The lack of parallax.“

  “I guess I'm not seeing what you're seeing.”

  “Let me help you. Walk again, and attune to my vision.” She tried, though mystified. And suddenly she saw what he meant. The distant trees were shifting their positions in most of the forest, but in one area they weren't. They looked just the same from one angle as from another. Like a picture, whose perspective didn't change. “That's the illusion!” she exclaimed. “That unmoving picture!”

  “Yes, by elimination So now we can define it by continuing parallax, reducing the area of search “

  “You're pretty smart.” she said admiringly.

  “No, just old, with time to think “

  She walked back and forth, and soon narrowed the “picture” down to an area just about the size of a castle and moat. Then she used her cane to probe ahead, and walked to the edge of that region. When she got there, her cane came up against something solid. It was a low wall. She poked beyond it, found footing, and stepped over.

  The illusion vanished. The Good Magician's Castle stood there in all its glory. They had conquered the illusion.

  Curious, she stepped back over the low wall, which was evidently there to prevent anyone from blundering into the moat. The castle disappeared, and the picture of forest returned. She stepped back inside, and the castle returned. That was the inner limit of the illusion. All she had had to do was find her way through it; it didn't work from the inside. Just as a person couldn't look at a painting from the back of it.

  “Well, that wasn't so bad after all,” Breanna murmured. “Thanks to your insight, Justin.”

  “And your sight,” he replied, seeming as pleased as she was. “Where's Mare Imbri?”

  The mare appeared in a day-dreamlet. “I am here, maintaining the contact between you.

  “Oh, okay. You just faded out.”

  “It's my nature, except when I'm with my tree and faun. Day dreams seldom last long.”

  That made sense, maybe. Breanna walked toward the drawbridge, which was down. But as she did, the ground became sticky. At first it was just a nuisance, but with each step it got worse, until she could hardly drag her feet up. She was stuck to the ground.

  “I think we have encountered the second challenge,” she murmured. “I'm in a sticky situation.”

  “Can you back out and circle around the bad patch?” Justin asked. She tried, but now she was completely stuck. “No. Like a fool, I barged right in until it was too late.”

  “Like anyone encountering the unexpected,” he corrected her. There was just something about this tree that appealed. Her folks were quick to rebuke her when she messed up; Justin made her action seem reasonable.

  “So what now? Do I take off my shoes and jump?”

  “And get your pretty feet dirty? No, there must be a better way, if this is a challenge. Let me ponder “

  Meanwhile, something happened beside the drawbridge. The lid of a large container slowly lifted. There was a picture of a skull and crossbones on the box. “This is not a good sign,” Breanna muttered, feeling a chill. Was a monster going to come from that crate to gobble her. since she couldn't get away?

  A skull appeared, followed by a skeleton. It looked around with its eye sockets, spied her, and rattled forward. It stopped just beyond the sticky section. “Apop Tosis at your service,” it said.

  Breanna was terrified, so she bluffed. “Not at my service. Whatever you're selling, I don't want it.”

  “Skeletons aren't generally dangerous,” Justin said. “They lack desires of the flesh.“

  That helped. “What do you want?” she demanded, still not exactly settled.

  “I see you are in a sticky situation, so I have come to help you.”

  “I don't think I want—” she started.

  But Justin was more cautious. “This must be part of the challenge It is better to hear him out.”

  “To be impolite,” Breanna improvised. “How do you want to help me?”

  “Let me make myself more comfortable,” Apop said. He brought out a bottle labeled Boot Rear and lifted it to his jawbone. There didn't seem to be any fluid in it, but suddenly he sailed into the air flying apart. The bones fell to the ground in a pattern, forming a rocking chair with the skull on the seat. “I always carry some boot rear with me,” he explained. “So I don't have to depend on someone else to boot me in the rear so that I can change configuration.”

  “Good policy,” Breanna agreed guardedly. “I'm not exactly in a position to boot anybody's rear right now.” Skeletons were not her favorite companions, though they weren't as bad as zombies. At least they weren't rotting.

  “Now I will ask you three questions.” Apop said. “If you answer them well, you will get out of your sticky situation. But if you don't, you will find it embarrassing.”

  “Yeah, sure,” she muttered.

  “First question: Are you a bigot?”

  “What the bleep kind of a question is that?” she demanded, outraged. “Of course I'm not! How could you even suggest it?” But as she spoke, something awkward happened. Her clothing was shrinking. Her blouse felt tight, and her skirt was riding up on her hips.

  “What is happening?” Justin inquired.

  “Can I talk to you silently?” she subvocalized.

  “Yes, we are dream connected, so I can hear whatever you direct to me, as well as what you hear from outside I heard the skeleton's question But then you started wriggling, and I don't know why I am unable to fathom your actual thoughts, so that yo
u retain your natural modesty “

  He couldn't read her mind. That was a relief. She also liked the way he phrased her desire for mental privacy. She had never been to a court, but suspected Justin was courtly. “Because my clothing suddenly shrank,” she said silently. “Maybe it got wet.”

  “Maybe,” he agreed. “Meanwhile, I'm not sure you gave a satisfactory answer to the question “

  “It was a lousy question!”

  “Perhaps it is intended to make you react negatively.“

  “Well, it succeeded! It's outrageous to suggest that I could be a bigot. I'm black!”

  “I hadn't realized But does your color relate?”

  “Sure it does. I'm a victim, not an oppressor.”

  “I fear I am being slow in comprehension What is the definition of bigot?”

  “It's a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing belief or opinion. We were up against it in Mundania. That's one huge reason we left.”

  “Then your answer must be no. The penalty must be because you objected to the question rather than answering it”

  He had to be right. She had let the question blow her equilibrium, like an idiot. “For sure.” She faced the skeleton. “No, I can't be a bigot.”

  Apop didn't answer. But her clothing shrank another notch. Her blouse was constricting her breathing, and in danger of tearing, and her skirt was becoming a mini.

  “My clothing's still shrinking,” she told Justin, alarmed.

  “There must be a connection to your answer to the question,” the tree concluded. “Perhaps it is a penalty for what is considered an unsatisfactory answer”

  “I don't give half a bleep what a stupid skeleton thinks is unsatisfactory,” she retorted. “He has no business asking such a question.”

  “Now I don't wish to be offensive,” Justin said carefully. “But it strikes me that if the skeleton desires a certain answer, and can make you uncomfortable when you don't give it, some consideration may be required.“

  “Meaning I'm stuck here, literally, and getting my undies in a knot, so I'd better watch my mouth.”

  “I'm sure they are very nice undies.“