Mixed Up In You

by Sammi Cee

  “What did you decide?” I ask.

  “Do you actually know what Sky High is?”

  “Yes, I do. I know I’m older than you,” I wrinkle my nose as he shrugs and giggles, “but I have younger cousins and that was a favorite for them. In fact, one of my little cousins used to watch that movie over and over.”

  By the face Julian makes, I can tell he’s being transported back to a happy time in his life. It’s amazing how expressive he is when he lets his guard down a bit. Before we continue, we both order our food. The minute the waiter steps away from our table, I ask, “And what did you want to be at fifteen?”

  “Out of high school.” He nods emphatically when I arch an eyebrow at him. “I wasn’t a fan of school at all; I couldn’t wait to get out.”

  “But you went on to college anyway?”

  “Well, of course. By eighteen I was a fan of money.” We share a laugh.

  “And what did you want to be when you grew up at twenty-two?”

  Julian sobers, takes a sip of his water, and he straightens his spine in the way I’ve noticed he does when he’s going to say something that embarrasses him. “On graduation day, I wanted to go into a company and work in the accounting department. Six months after that, I just wanted to not be a druggy. I was praying I’d even have the chance to keep growing up.”

  “And now?” I ask softly. “Why did you decide you want to be a CPA if that wasn’t something you’d planned before?”

  “Huh. You know no one has actually asked me that, yet.” He grins, but there’s a flash of reluctance before he answers me. “Believe it or not, there’s two people who influenced that decision. When I was in rehab we spent a lot of time examining our actions and really focusing on the types of personalities we were drawn to before our drug use started. Do you really want to hear this?”

  Reaching across the table, I lay my hand over his where he’s twisting them together on the table. “Very much.”

  Julian looks down at my hand for a minute, peeking up at me with a grateful smile. “Okay, well, I realized one of the reasons I wanted to work for your brother Jack was because I really respected him, you know? I knew he was working for your dad at the time, but I also knew he was in training to take over the company. I admired his focus and drive.” I nod at him to continue when he pauses, and his eyes drop before he tells me more. “The other thing I realized is one of the reasons I was so drawn to Phillip, my ex, the dealer, was because he was in charge of his own thing, too. Maybe not a great business to run, obviously.” He looks up and rolls his eyes, probably at himself. “But I liked how he kept his own schedule and could adjust it around his family time. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being dumb.”

  Squeezing his hand, I say, “That doesn’t sound dumb. So you want to become a CPA and go in business for yourself?”

  “I’m not sure if I really want to be a CPA, honestly. But I did get my bachelor’s in accounting, and I know I don’t want to go back to school. Studying for my CPA just seemed like the best route to go to be qualified to eventually be able to work for myself and set my own hours. I’m not even sure I really like numbers all that much, but I’m good with them, so...”

  “Tell me what else you found out about yourself while you were in rehab.”

  “I love to work with my hands and be outside. There’s nothing like the satisfaction of a job well done when your body’s exhausted, but you can see with your own two eyes what you’ve accomplished. You know?”

  “Yeah, yeah. As a matter of fact I do.” We share a knowing smile as the waiter arrives with our food. The rest of the night we move onto lighter topics, like the sizes of our families and things our parents did to drive us crazy while we were growing up.

  I’m sad our night’s over when I walk Julian to the door, but it’s the best first date I’ve ever had. “Do you want to come in?” Julian asks.

  “Not tonight, maybe next time.”

  “Next time?” That small smile I’m coming to adore hovers on his lips.

  “If you’re willing to go out with me again?”

  “I’d love to.”

  “Good.” As he turns to unlock his door, I say, “Hey, Julian. Remember when I was asking you at dinner all the different things you wanted to be as you grew up?”

  “Yeah?” He tilts his head, blinking up at me so cute that I almost forget the point I wanted to make.

  “All of those times are having to find ourselves again. Each time we discover something new that causes us to change direction, we’re on a new path and it’s like starting over. When we’re young, everyone tells us we’re going to change our mind a million times, so we don’t think anything of it. But as we get older, we lock ourselves in. For some reason, we think we’re being childish when we want to wipe our slate clean and try something new. In your case, the drug abuse is making you feel like a failure who has to start over. But you could have just as easily gotten a corporate job and discovered you hated wearing a monkey suit all day and wanted a fresh start doing something else. Maybe don’t be so hard on yourself, okay?”

  Taking a step closer, Julian reaches up and plants a light kiss on my cheek. It’s a barely there press of his lips, but I feel his touch coursing through my whole body like a slow burn. “Thank you, Vaughn. This has been the best date I’ve had in a long, long time. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says softly. He slips through his front door, but not before I catch the glimmer of tears in his eyes and the slight tip to his lips. Humming softly to myself, I retreat to my truck knowing no matter what I’m going to pursue this thing with Julian because he is indeed special.

  Chapter Eight

  Julian

  * * *

  “I’m telling you, Chuck. It was the best date of my life.”

  “I hate to tell you this, but technically, I think it was the only real date you’ve ever been on. I don’t think starting to hang out with guys you slept with first counts as a date.” Chuck snickers.

  “Haha, funny guy. At least I get out there. You wallow in a crush on a guy you have no intention of telling you like him.” I level a hard stare in his direction as we eat our lunch at the picnic table that’s been set up on the construction site.

  “Leave it alone, Julian. There’s no way he’d ever be interested in a guy like me.”

  Hearing the sadness in his voice, I set my sandwich down. “Explain,” I demand.

  Chuck’s eyes widen in shock at my tone. “Explain what?”

  “Why you don’t think he’d be interested in a guy like you. What’s wrong with you? I happen to think you’re a fantastic guy.”

  “You mean fabulous.” At the quirk of my brow, Chuck sets his sandwich down, too, and guzzles some of his sports drink. I know he’s stalling, but I wait patiently. “Nathaniel’s like a man’s man.”

  “Chuck, all three of us are gay. I’m pretty sure we’re all into men.”

  Fluttering his hands up in between us, he says, “No, you know what I mean. I’ve only ever seen Nathaniel hang out with bigger guys like him. You know, like you. Solid. Muscular. Taller. I’m not like that. If it wasn’t for you and Jack hiring us when we were kids, no one would accuse me of being a man’s man.”

  “Again, you’re a man. I’ve never seen Nathaniel even hang out with anyone, so I’m not sure where you’re getting that information. And dude, you may not be the biggest guy in the world, but you’re out here busting your ass everyday just like the rest of us. If anything, I’d think Nathaniel would be impressed that a lean pipsqueak like you can you can yield a sledgehammer with such skill and precision.”

  He chuckles good naturedly at my description, but before we can continue, I hear a voice I hoped to never hear again. “If you’re home from rehab, why the hell haven’t I heard from you?” Before I can even process what’s going on, Phillip is by my side yanking me up from the bench. His face is contorted in rage with the vein throbbing in his temple, and his iron grip on my bicep is already cutting the circulation off in my arm.

 
; Frantically turning my head to see if any of the other guys are around to help me, I see Chuck retreating toward the trailer at a dead run before I notice that a furious Bernie is standing slightly behind Phillip. “Yeah, Julian. Phillip paid for your lawyer and the minute you’re done with court you disappear without so much as a thank you. If we hadn’t been driving by and spotted you on this bench, he wouldn’t even know you were home. What the hell is that?”

  “Really, Bernie?” I stammer. “Where were you when we got arrested that night? Why weren’t you there, too? Where did you go?”

  “I told you when you got home from jail that wasn’t any of your business. Leave it alone.” Phillip shakes me and starts to pull me toward him. “Come on. You don’t need to work. I’ll take care of you like I always have, after we deal with your disappearing act.”

  Planting my feet, I rip my arm away from his grasp. Phillip’s used to people doing what he says the minute he says it, so my arm slips free from his grip with little exertion. The shock on his face would be comical if not for the fear pumping through me, making me feel like I just ran a marathon in a minute. Not willing to bend for even a second, I grumble, “Oh, are you going to take care of me like you did when you got me out of jail?”

  “I told you I was coming to get you. I had to check on Bernie and make sure he was okay first.”

  “You just left me in there after saying you were coming right back for me!” I yell.

  “Listen you little shit—”

  “No, you listen,” Vaughn growls as he comes running up with half the guys from our crew right behind him. “Julian’s working and you have no business here. Get the hell off this property or I’m calling the police.”

  Phillip’s face morphs into an easy smile (which is creepy) although his eyes are thunderous. “No problem.” He raises his hands and backs away. “I’ll see you later, Julian.” He points at me.

  Stepping in front of me, Vaughn says, “No you won’t.”

  Not caring about the other guys being present, I rest my head against Vaughn’s back while I get my breathing under control. Before I can melt down into a full panic attack, he’s spinning around and embracing me. “He’s gone.”

  As I feel his hands rubbing my back, I feel another hand wrap around my elbow and open my eyes to see Chuck’s concerned face peering at me. “I’m okay, Chuck.”

  “I’m sorry I ran, but I wanted to get Vaughn.”

  Before I can reassure him, Vaughn says, “No. You did the right thing. Those guys are bad news, and it’s better to have had me deal with them.”

  Chuck asks, “Should it make us nervous that he went so easily?”

  Vaughn’s hands still on my back for a second, and then he’s rubbing soothing circles on my back again.

  “Hey, boss,” one of the guys says. “Why don’t you take Julian home? We can finish up today. I’ll call Jack, too, and let him know what happened, so he can come by if he wants.”

  Either suffering from shock or some form of post-traumatic stress from Phillip appearing out of the blue like that, I allow myself to be placed into Vaughn’s truck. Dimly, I’m aware of how gently Vaughn gets me in his truck and belts me in. Just the vague thought causes memories of being shoved into the car by Phillip to surface, and I squeeze my eyes closed tightly in attempt to escape the memories. The next thing I’m conscious of is being unbuckled and lifted just as gently out of the truck. I hear Vaughn and Chuck’s voices, but I’m not following the conversation at all. When Chuck says, “Come on, Jules. Take a little drink for me.” I obediently open my mouth and swallow some water. For some reason, the use of my childhood nickname reactivates my brain and pulls me out of my fog.

  Blinking, I focus in on the pained expression on Vaughn’s face before turning to see the concern permeating Chuck’s. “I—” I clear my throat. “I’m okay. I don’t know what happened.”

  “I think you went into shock,” Vaughn says gently.

  Nodding my head, I glance around the unfamiliar living room. “Where are we?”

  “I brought you to my house for tonight, just until we can figure out what Phillip’s up to. Chuck is right; he left way too easily.”

  Leaning my head against the back of the couch, I can’t even argue with that. “I don’t want to put you out,” I mumble.

  “You’re not putting anyone out. Chuck is going to queue up your favorite movies on Netflix, I’ll order some pizzas, and we’ll all hang. Does that sound okay?”

  “And I called your parents. I just told them you were sleeping over with me. I didn’t tell them where though.” I hear Chuck giggle.

  “Thanks. Both of you. I’m sorry to be such a pain.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Vaughn stands up and leans down to kiss me on the forehead. “Get some rest, we’ll wake you when the pizza gets here.”

  “Okay.” Closing my eyes, I let sleep take me, giving me a reprieve for a while from the reappearance of my worst nightmare.

  The rest of the night is like a fog. I remember taking a shower, pulling on a pair of Vaughn’s sleep pants and eating and cuddling up between Chuck and Vaughn while they watched TV. Then Chuck was arguing with Vaughn when he insisted that we share his bed, and he’d sleep in his spare bedroom because he didn’t want us to be squished. I wake up at my normal time, only seconds before the alarm on Chuck’s phone goes off. Surprisingly I woke up knowing exactly where I am, and not at all disorientated even though I’d never been to Vaughn’s before. “How are you this morning?” Chuck asks.

  “Good. A little scared now that I know Phillip knows I’m back.”

  “Hey.” Vaughn’s voice sounds from the doorway, startling us. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you guys. Maybe we should take the day off today, Julian. Make a plan and get situated with this whole Phillip situation.”

  “Oh, that’s a great idea. I love that idea,” says Chuck.

  “No, I think I’m good to work.”

  “Julian, it’s probably safer for the other guys in the crew if you don’t go in until we decide how to handle this, too,” Vaughn says.

  “I agree, but I can work to pick up the slack so let me get out of here and drive home. You’ve got him, right, Vaughn?”

  “I’m not leaving his side.” I look up into the doorway and am hit with the tenderness in his eyes. I don’t remember ever dating a man who looked at me like that before.

  “I’m just going to walk Chuck out.” I scurry pass Vaughn to where Chuck is waiting out in the hall.

  “You didn’t even see his house yet,” Chuck says as we walk down the hall toward the front door. He’s right, but I had seen the main room in the house that I was interested in since I woke up in there. He had a nice big bed with a gray sheet set and a gray comforter with blue squares. The bed was extremely comfortable; I definitely wouldn’t mind spending more time in there, well, not with Chuck, though.

  As we pass the hallway bathroom, I glimpse variations of the color blue, and in his living room, there is large, solid gray furniture with various shades of blue throw pillows. Everything I can see is neat which I assume is the norm since it wasn’t like we anticipated having to end up here yesterday. Once we reach the door, Chuck turns to me. “If you leave here today, please stay with Vaughn.”

  “I will. I promise. I have no desire to end up dealing with Phillip by myself.”

  “Okay, good.” Chuck gives me a quick hug before unlocking the door and walking out to his car in the driveway. I didn’t even realize he drove separate from us yesterday.

  When I shut the door and go back in, Vaughn still hasn’t appeared so I walk back to his room where he’s leaning against his dresser. “How do ya feel today?”

  “Scared. Annoyed. Pissed off. Take your pick.” I shrug as I walk over to perch on the side of his bed.

  “You know Jack and I will help you, right? You’re not in this alone.” Searching his face, I see the sincerity.

  “I feel bad getting you mixed up in this, though. It’s not your probl
em.”

  “Julian, I’m already so mixed up in you there’s no chance I’d walk away now.” Tears spring to my eyes, so I blink trying to hold them back.

  “Hey, what’s that about?” he asks as he walks over and squats right in front of me, leaning his elbows on my legs.

  “You’re so kind to me. It’s just, you know one of my sisters won’t even go to my parents’ house now if I’m home?”

  Vaughn frowns. “Are you kidding me?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “She was so mad at what I put Mom and Dad through. And then I guess one of my nieces had something for gymnastics the same day as my first NA meeting after I moved back home, and they wanted to go with me. My sister was furious that they’d miss something for their grandchild when she’d invited them. I told my parents to go ahead and go, but my mom assured me that my sister was only trying to cause problems. My sister and I never got along the best so I don’t care about her so much, but I miss her kids.”

  “What about your other sister?”

  I can’t resist touching his beard anymore, so as I answer him, I run my fingers through the neatly trimmed hair. “She’s awesome. She’s actually the one who recommended my NA sponsor. They’ve been close friends since college, and she thought we’d hit it off.”

  I notice he’s leaning into my touch when he asks, “Do you?”

  “Yep. She’s super cool. I actually think that’s why my oldest sister jumped on wanting to cast me out of the family. She’s always been super jealous of my and my other sister’s relationship. I told you she’s bi, right?” Vaughn’s eyes have closed, but he nods into where my hands are now cupping his face. “I think she felt left out after I came out because it was my other sister I went to about things. As the oldest, I think she felt like I excluded her somehow.”

  “That doesn’t give her the right to be mean to you or make your parents feel bad for wanting to support their son.”

  “I know. I screwed up the dynamics in my family, and now I’m messing with your schedule. You’re home when you should be at work and—”