Bird Talk and Other Stories by Xu Xu

by Xu Xu

  Xu Xu’s self-portrait from 1951.

  Xu Xu in the early 1950s, shortly after arriving in Hong Kong.

  Xu Xu lecturing in the 1960s.

  Xu Xu with Lin Yutang 林語堂 in Taipei in 1974.

  Xu Xu in his home in Hong Kong in the late 1970s.

  Cover (right) and contents page (above) of the bimonthly Celestial Winds 宇宙風 from January 1937 that carried Xu Xu’s short story “Ghost Love.” The cartoon is by Feng Zikai 豐子愷.

  Cover of the anthology The All-Souls Tree 百靈樹 from 1951. Xu Xu frequently designed his own book covers.

  Cover of the anthology Step by Step, Mr. Everyman 小人物的上進 from 1964.

  Cover of volume 1 of The Complete Works of Xu Xu 徐訏全集, published in 15 volumes in Taipei by Zhengzhong shuju in 1966. This volume contains the wartime epic The Rustling Wind 風蕭蕭.

  Cover of the monthly The Seven Arts 七藝 that Xu Xu started in Hong Kong in 1975.

  A page from the manuscript of Xu Xu’s novel Time and Brightness 時與光 from 1966. The number in the right-hand margin is the character count, presumably added by the editor to calculate remuneration.

  Movie poster of Rear Entrance 後門 (1960), directed by Richard Li Han-hsiang 李翰祥.

  Movie still of Xu Xu in his cameo appearance in Blind Love 盲戀.

  The Italian steamer Conte Verde of the Lloyd Triestino line moored pierside at the docks in Shanghai in the late 1930s.

  Xu Xu (center) with the cast of Blind Love 盲戀 in 1955. Lo Wei 羅維 and Li Li-hua 李麗華 are third from left and right respectively in bottom row. Left to Xu Xu in top row are Peter Chen Ho 陳厚, Evan Yang 易文, who directed the movie, and Kuang Chao Chiang 蔣光超. Pin Ho 賀宾 is second on right of top row, Chung Ching 鍾情 is on the right of bottom row. Next to her is Lai Wang 王萊, who did not star in Blind Love.

  XI

  I could not easily fall asleep that night and lay awake until the early hours. I was awoken by the sound of birds and went into the garden. I saw Yunqian on the other side of the fence, chirping and trilling with the birds. Bathed in sunlight, with that graceful demeanor of hers, her mysterious expression and joyful smile, she seemed like an otherworldly creature. I thought of my vulgar stupidity of eating bird meat. How cruel and repulsive! I felt an unspeakable sense of shame and guilt. I walked through the gate but waited for the birds to fly away and for Yunqian to wave them off before I approached her. In that moment, I noticed in her beautiful appearance a sublime serenity and nobility. Since I had gotten to know her, I had never thought of her as less intelligent or in any way inferior to others, but maybe because I was older than her and had more book knowledge, I had always thought of her as a child. Yet on that day, amidst my own sense of shame and inferiority, did I realize what a pure, unblemished soul she really was.

  “Yunqian, I felt bad all last night. I am such a stupid and vulgar person. Thank you for your guidance,” I said.

  “And I am grateful that you are not upset with me,” she said as she greeted me.

  “I am the one who needs to thank you,” I said. “If it wasn’t for you, I would have stayed stupid all my life.”

  “But I shouldn’t have gotten upset, right?”

  “No, no, you must have been frightened by me,” I said.

  “It was just because you said that your heart is that of a bird.”

  “And yet my mind is that of a wild beast!” I said. “Do you think those birds that just flew off will forgive me?” She fell silent and nodded her head as tears welled up in her eyes. I took her hand and went on a walk with her. Neither of us said a word. The sun shone down on us. As we walked along the rice paddies, the long stalks brushed against our bodies. The hills lay peacefully in the distance, and the nearby woods were lush green. Suddenly, a deep cucurucucu drifted over. It was the cry of a turtledove. It was the meat of their kin that I had devoured the day before yesterday. Was this the lament for the dead? Or was it a rebuke for me?

  Overcome with sadness, I asked Yunqian, “Did you hear that sound?”

  She nodded her head and feeling my heartache said, “They can’t know.”

  I did not utter another word. Holding on to her hand, I walked back with her.

  From that day, I began to eat a vegetarian diet. And even though during my years of aimless roaming later in life I resumed eating meat, I never again touched fowl or poultry.

  After we had gotten back from our walk, we ate breakfast. At ten thirty, she came back for class. It seemed as if we had grown even closer. Our hearts and minds were in complete union, and I cannot describe the happiness we experienced in each other’s company. The weather had started to get hot. The first rice harvest had been brought in, and purple and yellow wildflowers littered the countryside. The sky seemed even clearer now. I had completely recovered, and grandma was convinced that it was thanks to her care while my mother and my friends in the city were convinced that it was my doctor’s prescriptions. No one but me knew that it was all thanks to the time I had been able to spend with Yunqian.

  I had to start to think about my return to Shanghai. At that time, I was an editor at a newspaper. When I had requested my medical leave, I had asked a friend to replace me temporarily. When he heard that I had recovered, he wrote me a letter, wanting me to come back. But how could I leave Yunqian? And would it not be equally tragic for Yunqian if she were separated from me? I discussed the question of Yunqian attending school in Shanghai with Bingyang. I told him that there were only my mother and me in our house now and that Yunqian could live with us. I guaranteed him that I would look after her like a younger sister and that I would make sure she graduated. I also told him that if he worried about the expense, I would take care of it. Bingyang listened calmly. Finally he said, “Of course I trust you.” He paused for a long time, and then asked, “Do you think that is what’s best for her?”

  “She is the right age to continue her schooling,” I said. “Besides, let me tell you that she is just as smart as you are. It’s just that your personalities are quite different.”

  “Maybe,” he said, “but no matter, what she needs most is a husband who loves her and can protect her.”

  I was bewildered by what he had said. Was I not in love with Yunqian? The question had never occurred to me. Now that I thought about it, I realized that there was no denying that I loved her, that I had been in love with her for a long time. I took all my courage and solemnly admitted to Bingyang that I loved her.

  “So why don’t you marry her?” He asked.

  I did not know. Since it had never occurred to me that I had fallen in love with her, I had never thought about marrying her.

  I did not have a reply to Bingyang’s question. Instead I said, “She is still young. She has no way of knowing whether she loves me, too. She is so pure and innocent and her character is still developing. And it’s the first time she has met a man who treats her with respect, isn’t it? If she feels that she loves me too,” I said, “I will immediately marry her. But, Bingyang, for the sake of her happiness, let her come to Shanghai with me to attend school for one year. We’ll return next summer and make a decision. During this one year, I will look after her as if she were my younger sister, you can rest assured of that. And hopefully within the span of one year, she will know whether she wants to be with me, whether she loves me.”

  Bingyang listened to my confession in silence. Eventually he said, “Have you asked Yunqian whether she actually wants to go to school in Shanghai?”

  “Not yet,” I said. “I haven’t even dared telling her that I am going back to Shanghai. I’ve pondered over this for a long time, and felt it was more appropriate to talk to you first. If she had been willing, but you had objected, that would have really broken her heart.”

  Bingyang again fell silent until he finally got up and said, “She was my mother’s favorite child. She might be a little slow, but she is kindhearted and has a beautiful and pure soul. If she decides that she really loves you, I
hope you will never fail her.” He stood up and got ready to leave. Turning his head, he said, “I will ask her myself tonight.”

  XII

  The reason I had wanted to talk to Bingyang first was that I had already made up my mind that, had he not given his assent, I would have quit my job and stayed with grandma for the time being. But since he had given his blessing and Yunqian had also happily agreed to come to Shanghai for school, I made arrangements to soon return to Shanghai. Naturally, I first wrote to my mother to let her know.

  In Shanghai, we lived in a terraced house in the Huaimingcun neighborhood. It was not a big house, but it was comfortable and quite elegant. My mother lived on the third floor and I lived on the second. Originally, my younger sister had lived in a small back room on the second floor, but the year before she had married a doctor ten years her senior, and soon after they had gone to England. After my sister had gotten married, my mother had felt rather lonely. Fortunately, I still had three older sisters. They were all married, but still lived in Shanghai and often came to our place to see my mother. As for me, except for sleeping and occasionally entertaining friends, I was rarely at home. If Yunqian came to stay with us, she could take my younger sister’s place, since her room was empty anyway. This arrangement would also delight my mother.

  Everything went well at first. But things began to change when, after a few days, my older sisters came for a visit. Yunqian was not good at socializing and just like back in her village did not know how to please others. She did not like small talk, she could not play cards, and she was not able to help with household chores. What was even more perplexing was that she did not like to walk around the city, go shopping, or immerse herself in the latest fashions. After we first arrived in Shanghai, I wanted to take her to the theater and the movies. We would go together with my mother and sisters, but after a couple of times she asked whether it was all right if she no longer came along. Of course, I said yes. From then on, she never again accompanied us.

  I got busy with work, and on top there were all the social obligations one has in a big city. I no longer could spend much time with Yunqian. Yunqian could not get used to mother’s lifestyle, and when friends and family visited, she always felt awkward. She soon became very lonely and would not talk with anyone practically all day. When our servants saw that my mother did not like her, they also began to treat her badly and say nasty things about her to my mother. Yunqian never once mentioned any of this to me. I was out all day and often only came home late at night. Without fail, Yunqian would wait up for me. It was only during those hours that I could spend time with her. We would sit for a while in the drawing room and chat a little while having some fruits or snacks I had brought home. She never spoke to me about what happened during the day, and I paid very little attention. In this way, the days passed.

  When the new school year was about to begin and schools started to accept applications, I signed her up for two middle schools, but I did not have time to prepare her for the entrance exams. When I accompanied her on the day of the exams, I could see how frightened she was. She did not get into either of the two schools. I read the announcements of the exam results in the newspaper and, realizing how much I had neglected her, rushed home. I found her alone in her room, crying. When she saw me come in, she tried to hide her tears. I told her not to be sad and that I would find her a girls cram school where she could make up her studies. I stayed with her the whole day. In the afternoon, I took her to *Jessfield Park in the International Settlement. I had kept her away from birds all this time, yet when I saw her chirp with the birds in the trees, her face again displayed that bright radiance. We went to the zoo afterward where she happily stood in front of the big cages that held myriad birds. Again and again, she talked about what it must be like to live life in a cage, but after chirping with the caged birds, she no longer seemed to feel particularly uneasy about it. We stayed for a long time and then went to have dinner at a very good vegetarian restaurant. It was quite late when we got home.

  The next day, I found her a private tutoring school. I also bought her two caged birds, a thrush and a lark. Those two birds brought her much joy, but after two days, she wanted to set them free. I told her that this was not the right environment. Even if she were to set them free in the park, they probably no longer possessed the ability to look after themselves and that someone else would catch them. In this world, I told her, there was not another person who loved birds as much as she did, and she should be the one looking after them. I also told her that she could let them out of their cages in her room whenever she wanted to. She accepted my suggestion, and from then on, she had two companions. Whenever I looked at her, she seemed relatively happy. She often spoke to me about the two birds, and when I came home in the evening, she wanted me to come into her room and see them. Once she suddenly said to me, “Before I had them, I only lived for that moment when you come home at night. But now, I have two more friends.” After I had retired to my room that day, I thought about what she had said and realized how lonely and isolated she was in our house. I gradually noticed how my mother and our servants disdained her and that she was slighted by my friends and family. All of this seemed to have gotten even worse after she had failed to get into school. My only hope now was that she would be a little happier once she started her classes. I also made sure that she would no longer take her lunches at home with my mother.

  But only three days after she had taken up classes, she waited for me by the door. I had come home late and everyone else was already asleep. As she walked with me into the drawing room, she said,“I don’t want to go to school anymore.”

  “But why not?” I asked.

  “It’s just, I feel …”

  “Come on now,” I said, “you didn’t get into middle school, but I found you another school. Give it some time, and you will get used to it. It will be good for you to mix with other people. You can’t just …”

  She lowered her head and sobbed silently. Finally she stammered, “Let me be your maid. I can serve you. Just don’t make me go to school anymore.”

  “What’s all this talk,” I said to her. “You are young, and you can learn anything. You must listen to me: You are no different from anyone else! I trust in you and I believe in you, and so does your brother. You don’t want to disappoint the two people who have placed so much confidence in you, do you?”

  She never once brought this up again. She went to school every day, and when I returned home at night, she would always greet me with a book in hand as she opened the door for me. Whenever I looked at her, she gave me what looked like a happy smile, yet the sparkling radiance gradually disappeared from her eyes.

  And then, about a week later, something terrifying happened.

  XIII

  That evening, I came home around ten. Already from the outside I could hear my mother’s loud voice as she was speaking to the servants in the kitchen.

  “Who cares whether she wants to eat or not? So my cat killed her birds, but it’s not that someone gave the order.… We treat her like a guest, are considerate with her, but she …”

  I hurried inside and ran into my mother, who gave me an account of what had happened. I tried to calm her down and said, “Mother, she is like a small child, don’t treat her like an adult.” Then I rushed upstairs and went into Yunqian’s room. Tears were streaming down her face as she was staring at the two dead birds and the two empty cages. Her cheeks that had seemed like white porcelain the first time I had seen her seemed even whiter and paler now. She was trembling, both because of her grief for her two dead friends and because she feared my mother’s anger. When she saw me, she pulled me close to her tear-stricken face and sobbed, “I let you down, I am sorry!”

  “No, it’s my fault, it’s all my fault.” I held her face in my hands, unable to withhold my own tears. She fell silent and just gazed at me blankly. She was still trembling, and her white cheeks, like frost-covered water lilies, were icy cold. Her lips were quivering an
d her eyes were flickering like stars in a frosty sky. The bleak whiteness of her countenance resembled a plum blossom in the snow, revealing the purity and nobility, the modesty and holiness of her soul. I bent down to her, clasping her frigid hands, pressing my face against hers.

  “Let me go home tomorrow, please,” she whispered.

  “Of course … but I will go with you,” I replied, kneeling in front of her, kissing her hands.

  She fell silent again. When she lifted her head, I asked, “Will you marry me? And live with me elsewhere?”

  “Are you sure you want me?” She asked.

  “I am just afraid I am not worthy of you,” I replied.

  “I am not worthy. I know I am not worthy,” she said, gazing at me blankly. “You have your work, your friends, your social circle; you have a future, and I don’t have anything to offer.”

  “But I love you. Without you, I am nothing.”

  “I will be yours forever, I will always be yours,“ she said, “but you should think carefully. I am a dimwit. I can’t study, I can’t socialize, I can’t get anything done. I am unworthy of your love and I am unfit for this world.”

  Noticing that I hadn’t left Yunqian’s room all this time, my mother started to make a fuss again. Yunqian told me to go downstairs, but I did not listen. We held each other tight and did not speak. After some time, I heard my mother angrily leave the house. I said, “Let’s go to Hangzhou tomorrow and stay there for a while. The aunt of a friend of mine runs a convent. She rents out rooms. I have stayed there before. She is a widow and does not have any children. That’s why she set up a convent and practices Buddhism. The place is very quiet and peaceful. Once we get there we can plan our further steps. Life in Shanghai is too chaotic anyway. Hangzhou is much more quiet. If I can find work in Hangzhou, we might as well live there. What do you think?”